Help me unlock this instead of buying dp head off

[Burnerphone21]

My dp of several years is a kind and lovely man. He's the only partner I've ever been really proud of. He's gentle and supportive and an amazing step parent. My dds adore him. Even my exh thinks he's really nice and they actually get on well the two of them.

Dp will do anything I ask him to do and always wants to help. He really likes doing diy for me (we don't live together) and has taken on some big projects. He's v skilled.

My issue is that he rarely organises anything and the mental load is always on me. I'm expected to work out the details of whatever we do. If I organise an activity he will be delighted/offer to pay/always join in etc and always enjoys it that isn't the issue.

I had a bit of a meltdown at him few months back and his come back as ever is 'just tell me what you want and I'll do it' (he will it's true). I said ok look I need you to sort out one evening meal a week. Decide on food, buy it and cook it. He happily agreed to this and it lasted 2/3 weeks before he was texting me 'shall I put the dinner on?' Expecting me to have decided and shopped. It amounted to nothing really but I was too busy and tired to argue about it.

I posted a meme about female mental load on fb back along and dp took offence at it - again 'I'll do whatever you need me to just tell me'

Just tell me how to work this out with dp before I yell at him. He's not perfect and he's probably much more patient than me

An event which nearly tipped me into yelling at him was travelling a long distance to an event he was participating in which was close to his home but not ours and involved quite a bit of faffing about (related to his role). I realised in the afternoon he had put no thought whatsoever into where/when me and the kids would have dinner when there was quite a limited window for that. He isn't a parent but he's v experienced looking after children etc etc. We did end up having a brilliant time but it would have been easier if sorted out a lot more for us. This happens quite a lot when we visit his home. It's quite far, there's loads of nice stuff to do but he organises nothing in advance and I end up resenting the drive.

We both have very demanding jobs so I try not to get into the I'm more stressed than you thing. To be fair he never brings that up anyway.

FYI he has adopted routine tasks around the house which he does without being asked (sorting out the pets and food prep which is exactly the same every week so he knows exactly what to do)

Do the mental load as if you're single. Enjoy the good stuff. Encourage him and praise him to step up. They're not his kids they're yours. Make plans, enjoy the plans. Step back when you need to.

My DH is like this. Top bloke, capable, beyond helpful and capable. But no clue with family life.
His argument “I’ve never been taught”
Well neither have I.
Dh grew up in a houseful of women who did the mental load whilst he fucked off out and came back to dinner.
So he never saw what was needed
My only suggestion is lists, lists and lots of them. Yes it’s still you thinking which defeats the object. But he will get it eventually.

Oh I’ve just seen you don’t live together. I missed that bit.
Scrap the lists then!

2 things:

1. He's good at a responsible job - so he must be capable. But maybe he does things in a different way and with different priorities to you. You can't expect him to live life in the way you do. If you don't salvage things when he doesn't do things, what would happen? I would say that , for example, for his weekly dinner: don't do anything. If he asks advice or for instruction, say "it's up to you. I'm having the evening off". See what happens after 3 or 4 weeks.

1. There are things he's good at that you're not. So, he's great at DIY. What if he came on here saying "I really like Burne-Jones, but she never does any DIY. I have to do it all. I wish that once a month, she built a shed. She's great at organisation but shit at DIY." The point I'm making is that you are each good at different things. That, on the whole, is a good thing.

He sounds like a good man, doing his best to do right by you. Only you can decide if that is good enough

I recon tell him in advance.

So even the day before. Do a note "cook this for dinner. You need to buy broccoli to go with it.

Put it on at 5pm. I'll be home at 6pm. Leave the veg until I'm home."

As specific as it needs to be.

There's things my husband just can't do without my input. And vice versa. But we do a lot each and are being helpful. So even though it'll frustrate me when he can't do the bloody laundry or him when I can't find a screwdriver we both recognise that each other is trying to help. X

Lolz yeah I had this for ages!

We be I just stopped doing things for him 🙈 got food for me and the baby ! Only did mine and the babies laundry

What used to piss me off most was things like when bathing the baby - calling me and saying does she need her hair washed tonight?
Which towel?
What will she wear to bed?

Like seriosuly figure it out yourself 😂😂

It sounds as if he divides tasks along traditional gender roles, especially as you are a parent so need to feed your children.

He might need a shift in his thinking and knowing he is capable of cooking. The ideas for Hello Fresh etc is positive.

When he is solo, does he cook for himself?