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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me unlock this instead of buying dp head off

107 replies

Burnerphone21 · 07/10/2021 17:35

My dp of several years is a kind and lovely man. He's the only partner I've ever been really proud of. He's gentle and supportive and an amazing step parent. My dds adore him. Even my exh thinks he's really nice and they actually get on well the two of them.

Dp will do anything I ask him to do and always wants to help. He really likes doing diy for me (we don't live together) and has taken on some big projects. He's v skilled.

My issue is that he rarely organises anything and the mental load is always on me. I'm expected to work out the details of whatever we do. If I organise an activity he will be delighted/offer to pay/always join in etc and always enjoys it that isn't the issue.

I had a bit of a meltdown at him few months back and his come back as ever is 'just tell me what you want and I'll do it' (he will it's true). I said ok look I need you to sort out one evening meal a week. Decide on food, buy it and cook it. He happily agreed to this and it lasted 2/3 weeks before he was texting me 'shall I put the dinner on?' Expecting me to have decided and shopped. It amounted to nothing really but I was too busy and tired to argue about it.

I posted a meme about female mental load on fb back along and dp took offence at it - again 'I'll do whatever you need me to just tell me'

Just tell me how to work this out with dp before I yell at him. He's not perfect and he's probably much more patient than me

An event which nearly tipped me into yelling at him was travelling a long distance to an event he was participating in which was close to his home but not ours and involved quite a bit of faffing about (related to his role). I realised in the afternoon he had put no thought whatsoever into where/when me and the kids would have dinner when there was quite a limited window for that. He isn't a parent but he's v experienced looking after children etc etc. We did end up having a brilliant time but it would have been easier if sorted out a lot more for us. This happens quite a lot when we visit his home. It's quite far, there's loads of nice stuff to do but he organises nothing in advance and I end up resenting the drive.

We both have very demanding jobs so I try not to get into the I'm more stressed than you thing. To be fair he never brings that up anyway.

FYI he has adopted routine tasks around the house which he does without being asked (sorting out the pets and food prep which is exactly the same every week so he knows exactly what to do)

OP posts:

imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 07/10/2021 23:06

You can't fundamentally change how people are. Do you love him, want to be with him? Then choose your battles, accept that's how he is. Play to your strengths. You think and plan, he does. You know he doesn't think and plan but will happily do, so provide the thought and let him pick up the work. If that's too much for you then he is not the partner for you.

fluffyatemycake · 07/10/2021 23:12

I could have written this. I am definitely the planner and organiser of the family. My husband is great. Amazing dad and partner but just doesn't have the head space to plan things..considering he manages a very large department and his whole job revolves around this, pretty annoying. We won't go out and do anything unless I plan an itinerary. I can send him the info and he will book and pay for it, no problems there but I have to organise everything. I think he just just indecisive? He would rather I plan it all out and then he is happy to go along with it.

Fivebeanchilli · 07/10/2021 23:24

I think it might be worth just accepting these idiosyncrasies. No one is going to be perfect but his annoying traits sounds as though they are outweighed by his very decent ones.
Could you maybe have a white board or a shared app or something where you meal plan for the next fortnight? Then you could say to him "I'm running late; can you sort food for x o'clock?" and he'll already know what you're having. (You could meal plan together so it's not all your decision making).
I get the annoyance. But I think it sounds as though it's worth it...

Flowersinthefireplace · 08/10/2021 08:12

It’s not an idiosyncrasy. He manages a large organisational role at work. He just can’t be bothered at home and thinks it’s fine if you do it all. Even though you had a bit of a breakdown about it. That would be a dealbreaker for me. He doesn’t care

burnoutbabe · 08/10/2021 08:19

@Flowersinthefireplace

But it's nit his home is it? He does not live there.

He should 100% be contributing to costs if there most of the time but arranging and planning meals for you and 2 kids doesn't seem right. Treating you all to a takeaway once a week would probably sufficient really.

Original poster

Burnerphone21 · 08/10/2021 08:45

@fluffyatemycake

This is exactly my situation!

OP posts:

Original poster

Burnerphone21 · 08/10/2021 08:47

@Flowersinthefireplace

It does feel like that sometimes. I don't think he doesn't care but he will want to default to 'ill do whatever you ask me to as long as you make all the decisions'

OP posts:

Original poster

Burnerphone21 · 08/10/2021 08:49

@burnoutbabe he contributes plenty to Costs. It's not as formal as I would like but he's not a leech.

OP posts:

Original poster

Burnerphone21 · 08/10/2021 08:52

Here is a new example I just recalled. We have been on holiday several times to a self catering place. This caused me a lot of stress I didn't predict. On one holiday we went somewhere and on the way back in the car I said to dp and the kids - it will take an hour to get home and we will pass the supermarket, could you lot decide on a few meals on the way so when we get to the shop I know what to buy. Dp got quite grumpy and repeated 'can't we decide together'.

OP posts:

Marikali · 08/10/2021 08:58

This sounds workable and relatable to me. I would start by talking about the meal he agreed to take care of making, how it made you feel when he did it (perhaps how disappointed you are that its stopped) request he starts again? Then maybe requests like when we come to you could you organise 1 activity for us all. Small doable requests.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 08/10/2021 08:59

@minipie

DH is rather like this.

I compensate by allocating more of the regular, routine non thinking tasks to him. So he does more of breakfast/bathtime/actual cooking but I do more of the thinking stuff (eg it’s me who remembers to get something out of the freezer for dinner, or add ingredients to the shop, etc).

I agree with this. It sounds like there are a lot of good things about your relationship, I would focus on those positives and to compensate of carrying the mental load, I would off load more menial tasks to him.

You can make some of the ones you describe his - I agree with the poster above about the Hello Fresh account. Set it up on his phone, he picks 2/week they come and he cooks them. Also, have a joint notes app on your phones or google list that you add shopping too. Make it a rule that he looks at it every day before coming home, so he knows whether he needs to pick up milk or whatever. Make cleaning the bathrooms or doing the laundry or whatever his ‘Sunday night job’ or similar, and it is always cleaned/done that day.

But there are 2 big rules with this. One is, you have to let go, so if you don’t like the meal or don’t like the standard he does it, you have to accept it. And secondly, you can’t step in and do it again if he did a bad job or didn’t do it. You have to let him fail - including no dinner for the family or no clean clothes etc. If you always fix it, he’ll know that. If you sit at home and say where is dinner? And he forgot, then you sit there and say what are you going to do then? Let him fix it! He won’t forget next time, after the JI dry kids have been at him!

Puppalicious · 08/10/2021 09:22

I don’t know, usually I am angry with men for not carrying the mental load - but really, these are your kids. It’s not really for him to decide what they should be eating for dinner? It’s completely different (and much more difficult) to plan things for a family v a couple. I know most of my childless friends/relatives wouldn’t really know too well how to plan it.

ravenmum · 08/10/2021 09:24

I'm generally against the idea of trying to change your partner into the person you'd like them to be, rather than finding someone you can put up with as they are, and letting go of those who annoy you. My feeling is that even if you do manage to train them in the habits you prefer (which is unlikely in most cases), you won't respect them any more as a result. And also that people who are "let go" might realise they need to up their game of their own accord, and have a better relationship next time round.

Still, if you really want to train him, have you thought about using the positive reinforcement approach - e.g., when he shows some initiative, you tell him how sexy it is to see a man taking control of a situation? Or tell him that when he's considerate you really feel like you have a partner who cares about you? That you'd rather have a partner who quietly organises lunch for you than a hundred suitors bearing red roses? Or just go on about how delicious the food he's cooked tastes, and how you absolutely, definitely can't make a baked potato the way he can?

gannett · 08/10/2021 09:59

I don't know why people can't understand that organising things at your workplace, where it's a job and process you know inside out that plays to your strengths, is different to organising something where you're uncertain about what the best thing to do is and you're not very good or very practised at it?

In our house DP is the one with the knack for cooking. He can look at an empty cupboard and somehow think of, and produce, an incredible meal out of it. I can't do that - when I cook I choose a recipe, shop for every specific ingredient on it and follow it to the letter like a robot and then still burn the food. So I guess I'm more like your DP there.

Two things that helped were 1) if DP wants me to take charge of a meal he gives me a starting point - an ingredient or two we need to use up, or a rough type of meal. And then 2) he completely leaves me to it and doesn't criticise whatever eventually gets produced.

On the other hand I'm the holiday planner. He's happy to go with the flow and mooch around relaxing, which is nice and all but not helpful if there's anything specific I want to see or do.

traintraveller · 08/10/2021 10:10

I don't think it's fair to expect him to take on mental load whatever that is when you don't have children together and don't live together. Especially when he's carried out some big DIY projects in your house.

ravenmum · 08/10/2021 10:18

dictionary.apa.org/cognitive-load

bigred22 · 08/10/2021 10:23

It sounds frustrating, it really does and only you can decide if it's a deal breaker but if he's great in every other way maybe this is his downfall, no one if perfect after all.

Has this always annoyed you or did you do everything at the start and then start to get frustrated when that became the routine?

I'm thinking about my relationship with DP and he gets frustrated with me if I ask him stuff like that but he's more bothered about what we eat so I would rather ask and get what he wants than get something he doesn't want and potentially get moaned at.

Original poster

Burnerphone21 · 08/10/2021 10:59

Maybe I'm not e planning very well. Dp eats with us a lot around half the week hence my expectation he helps with food. I don't expect him to get involved with laundry for example as as pp have pointed out he simply doesn't live here! He does help with laundry though and doesn't need to be asked bless him

OP posts:

KirstenBlest · 08/10/2021 11:07

They are your DC not his. It's not his place to make arrangements for them

Original poster

Burnerphone21 · 08/10/2021 11:09

@KirstenBlest

They are your DC not his. It's not his place to make arrangements for them

Dp would disagree with this. He doesn't push back about taking on tasks he just won't take on any decisions.

I think what I've got from this thread is I need to reframe this a bit and build and encourage what he does do and stop battling over the cooking. I think I'm stuck with the cooking 😂

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 08/10/2021 11:21

How is he a step-parent when you don't live together? Anyway after 3years i think you need to accept that this is how he is and decide whether you can live like this. Tbh he sounds like a good guy and this is his weakness.

If someone asked his what your weakness was what do you think he'd say?

Original poster

Burnerphone21 · 08/10/2021 11:30

@pinkyredrose

If someone asked his what your weakness was what do you think he'd say?

He is very involved with the dc and states he is committed to them. He demonstrates that really well I can't fault him. The 3 of them have a great relationship he's worked very hard to bind with them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Burnerphone21 · 08/10/2021 11:30

If someone asked his what your weakness was what do you think he'd say?

That I'm intolerant and lack patience. As I said he's much more patient than me, with me and with everyone else!

OP posts:

venusandmars · 08/10/2021 11:44

My dh is like this, and yes I do sometimes get frustrated. However, it's a million times better than my bossy abusive, controlling exh!

My dh is genuinely not lazy or trying it on, but he thinks in a different way to me and has a different skillset. He likes logistical puzzles, travel, research, so on a recent extended travelling holiday, he researched all the sights, attractions, walks, activities and planned a route and an itinerary. Then I booked the hotels, restaurants and travel tickets - that way I get to eat and stay in the kind of places I like . When it's like that it feels like team work at it's best.

When I'm overwhelmed with work, stressed, tired and he's standing in the kitchen with an expectant look on his face wondering what gourmet delight I'm going to tempt him with, I could hit him!

I recognise the balance of how we do things means that I get my own way a lot, and I can get petulant if he buys something for dinner that I don't want. Or if there are things in the fridge that need eaten up. I can look in the fridge and veg box and create a meal, he doesn't have that interest or talent.

But he is 100% solid, reliable, easy-going, trustworthy, and our relationship feels truly equal (despite how I've described it above). It's equal in how we appreciate and value each other.

However, we're currently in a new and different phase of life. Dh has taken semi-retirement so we've got a new set of rules. I've been clear that when he's not working he has to sort his own life - what he does, what he eats, where he goes. There are sometimes moments when he looks genuinely bewildered without the structure of work, or my demands plans. But he's getting on with it. Never too late to learn

AryaStarkWolf · 08/10/2021 12:23

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Sounds like my dh. He has we think adhd... I carry the whole mental load for our family. Unless he has a list... Only you can decide if this is the life for you...

No offense to your DH but there are so many men who behave like this I doubt they all have ADHD. They're just socialised to think it's not mens jobs to organise trivial domestic stuff. if they can organise themselves at work they're perfectly capable of doing it outside of work too.

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