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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me unlock this instead of buying dp head off

107 replies

Burnerphone21 · 07/10/2021 17:35

My dp of several years is a kind and lovely man. He's the only partner I've ever been really proud of. He's gentle and supportive and an amazing step parent. My dds adore him. Even my exh thinks he's really nice and they actually get on well the two of them.

Dp will do anything I ask him to do and always wants to help. He really likes doing diy for me (we don't live together) and has taken on some big projects. He's v skilled.

My issue is that he rarely organises anything and the mental load is always on me. I'm expected to work out the details of whatever we do. If I organise an activity he will be delighted/offer to pay/always join in etc and always enjoys it that isn't the issue.

I had a bit of a meltdown at him few months back and his come back as ever is 'just tell me what you want and I'll do it' (he will it's true). I said ok look I need you to sort out one evening meal a week. Decide on food, buy it and cook it. He happily agreed to this and it lasted 2/3 weeks before he was texting me 'shall I put the dinner on?' Expecting me to have decided and shopped. It amounted to nothing really but I was too busy and tired to argue about it.

I posted a meme about female mental load on fb back along and dp took offence at it - again 'I'll do whatever you need me to just tell me'

Just tell me how to work this out with dp before I yell at him. He's not perfect and he's probably much more patient than me

An event which nearly tipped me into yelling at him was travelling a long distance to an event he was participating in which was close to his home but not ours and involved quite a bit of faffing about (related to his role). I realised in the afternoon he had put no thought whatsoever into where/when me and the kids would have dinner when there was quite a limited window for that. He isn't a parent but he's v experienced looking after children etc etc. We did end up having a brilliant time but it would have been easier if sorted out a lot more for us. This happens quite a lot when we visit his home. It's quite far, there's loads of nice stuff to do but he organises nothing in advance and I end up resenting the drive.

We both have very demanding jobs so I try not to get into the I'm more stressed than you thing. To be fair he never brings that up anyway.

FYI he has adopted routine tasks around the house which he does without being asked (sorting out the pets and food prep which is exactly the same every week so he knows exactly what to do)

OP posts:

Livpool · 08/10/2021 12:27

I think you are expecting a lot from a boyfriend who doesn't live or have children with you.

saleorbouy · 08/10/2021 12:29

You need to define the areas of work and planning.
In our house we have pink and blue jobs which we're responsible for. That isn't to say you can't help out in those areas but at least one of us have the low down on that area.
Your DP seems to be able to understand his role in "build a shed mode" but not make a meal mode. Is this because he is unsure of having to get the ingredients and cook or work from the larder?
If you want him to do something then set it out and then hopefully over time it will become his norm.
Know one is a mind reader and we all tick to different levels of stress, necessity and importance when doing tasks.
Is it worth beating a "generally good egg" up over this; this is his demeanour and how you discovered him and liked him. Don't try to change him to fit your circumstances, instead work with his good, kind traits and feel blessed with them.

NoSquirrels · 08/10/2021 12:31

I think it’s probably quite hard for him to adjust to what you want from him when he doesn’t live FT with you and they’re your children not his.

Many men are like this, it is true, in their own homes with their own children. Those men definitely need to get with the programme.

But things like cooking and catering when he doesn’t live FT with you all and isn’t responsible all the time for feeding children nonstop will probably seem a bit invisible to him.

I do get your frustration but I think your living situation doesn’t lend itself to the equal division of these sort of chores easily.

What you want, probably subconsciously, is the caring role of feeding/organising/responsibility to be taken off you once in a while. But if that’s not his strength and it’s hard to set a routine then concentrate on what he does do and can offer that fulfils that need for you with less friction.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 08/10/2021 12:32

My dh is a sahp and does in theory more than me!!

NoSquirrels · 08/10/2021 12:35

@Burnerphone21

Here is a new example I just recalled. We have been on holiday several times to a self catering place. This caused me a lot of stress I didn't predict. On one holiday we went somewhere and on the way back in the car I said to dp and the kids - it will take an hour to get home and we will pass the supermarket, could you lot decide on a few meals on the way so when we get to the shop I know what to buy. Dp got quite grumpy and repeated 'can't we decide together'.

See, in this scenario I guess I’d also be grumpy if I was your DP - because you’re all in a car together, so why wouldn’t you all be involved equally in the discussion?

I think this is one of those examples where you wanted the decision-making relieved as a gift to you, but in practical terms to an outsider/him, it seemed like an annoying demand.

Wombat49 · 08/10/2021 12:39

I have adhd & still had all the mental load...

It might be adhd in some blokes but it's definitely not for mine.

JonahofArk · 08/10/2021 12:47

@Burnerphone21 does he have a job? Does he have a boss? Does he sit and wait every day for his boss to tell him exactly what to do, how to do it and when to do it?

If yes, then fair enough.

But if he is perfectly capable of holding down a job and managing his own time and tasks within it then he is taking the piss with you. Because he knows that you are more likely to just take over and do everything yourself and that suits him just fine.

burnoutbabe · 08/10/2021 12:53

@Burnerphone21

Fir that one though I thibk you do all beer to decide together to get a cohesive meal.

If obe wants something that takes 2 hours in the oven that doesn't gel well with others having a 5 min microwave.

It's far easier if all people get something similar -ie all Chinese ready meals then you can add matching sides. Generally all from same range need similar oven time.

Feelslikealot · 08/10/2021 12:57

Why would he take the lead on planning food for you and your kids? I don't really get what the problem is. They're your children, it's your house. Sounds like he already does a lot and your intolerance and lack of patience is really shining through. You don't have to train him. Maybe you need to accept that as you're the one who is responsible for the children, of course you'll have more of a mental load because the children and their needs will be what's causing most of it. He's not their stepdad. He's just your boyfriend.

Feelslikealot · 08/10/2021 12:58

That's just weird. You're in the car too, why wouldn't you be involved in the discussion? Maybe he's fed up of you pushing this on him when it's really not up to him to negotiate with your kids what they'll eat.

BertieBotts · 08/10/2021 13:11

I don't think you need to train him, I think he needs to get it - really get it.

You said you showed him the comic and he said "I'll do whatever you need me to - just tell me'"

Which immediately tells you that he is missing the point.

The mental load comic is a great explanation. So is this blog post:
mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

Whether it's a big argument or a calm conversation, that's your crossroads. And if he still doesn't get it then I think yes you need to make a decision whether to deal with it forever or leave.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 08/10/2021 13:15

If you don’t want him. I will have him.

Your problem is that he doesn’t take on mental load. Without him, you’d have it anyway but no one to delegate to.

You’re being a bit odd op. Your expectation for a man, who doesn’t live with you, who isn’t father of your children and been with for only 3 years… is through the roof and unfair

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 08/10/2021 13:17

That I'm intolerant and lack patience. As I said he's much more patient than me, with me and with everyone else!

He would walked by now if not

ravenmum · 08/10/2021 13:19

I don't live with my bf either, but he still cooks for me when I visit, and if he visits me knowing I'm busy he offers to pick up food on the way. If it was always him coming to me, I'm pretty sure he'd offer to sort something out - he wouldn't come over expecting me to feed him. And he'd organise some meals if we were on holiday together - alone or with others. This is not what my exh was like at all, but the bf sees it as simple, obvious good manners. I'm not sure I'd be up for a partner who saw me as the cook any more.

FlamesEmbersAshes · 08/10/2021 13:21

One of the reasons (many) reasons I left my ex was because he left the mental load to me and it was fucking exhausting. So I do get it.

I also think you are expecting an awful lot of a boyfriend who doesn’t live with you and who you don’t share children with.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a similar length of time and in similar circumstances. I wouldn’t dream of expecting him to take on any ‘mental load’ at this stage. I mean he’s great - he mows my lawn, hunted down petrol for me last week and brought me food/treats when I had to self isolate. But my kids and their meals are absolutely not his responsibility.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 08/10/2021 13:22

@ravenmum

Doesn’t cook without a nudge

But loving, patient, kind, supportive, adored by your children, easy relationship with ex husband

burnoutbabe · 08/10/2021 13:29

@ravenmum

But that's just you and him and not also 2 kids.

It's not been answered whether just ordering a takeaway /pizza in oven is okay or if it had to be a good home cooked meal ?

tofuschnitzel · 08/10/2021 13:30

@Burnerphone21
"I think what I've got from this thread is I need to reframe this a bit and build and encourage what he does do and stop battling over the cooking. I think I'm stuck with the cooking 😂"

Why are you stuck with it? You didn't press the issue when your DP didn't cook dinner when he said he would, you've just decided to give up at the first hurdle. If he wants to help then he should bloody well help. Just because he's at your house most of the week, doesn't mean you have to do everything for him. If he doesn't help, or isn't willing to help, then it's just an added burden you don't need. The fact that he knows you are upset about this, but doesn't do anything to address that, it really telling.

And to the comments saying your DP is a catch for doing some poxy DIY at your house. If he does fuck all else, expects to be catered for and looked after fully when with the OP, why exactly should any woman be bloody grateful for that?

tofuschnitzel · 08/10/2021 13:32

I'd much prefer an equal partnership than a few bits of DIY throughout the year.

ravenmum · 08/10/2021 14:25

that's just you and him and not also 2 kids
He'll cook for a group, too. His dd is not usually there when I visit, but when we have been on holiday with her, we've both made food - it wouldn't occur to me to think that the presence of children would mean I got all my meals cooked, and he wouldn't think that way either.

Otoh, as I say, normally I see him when his dd is not there, as she only gets three/four days a week with her dad and doesn't need some random woman hanging around getting in the way during that time. Sounds like the situation would be easier for OP if the two were spending more time alone.

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 08/10/2021 19:54

He does sound like a decent guy. You could start with a one night a week you take responsibility for dinner, thinking, propping, clearing away as I want a night off. Start as you mean to go in and normalise it.am doing this after 20 years and getting fed up with it, do it now! Best of luck xxx

FrazzledY9Parent · 08/10/2021 20:08

I'd normally be the first person to castigate a man for not pulling his weight, but I have to say he sounds nice and I agree you should play to his strengths. I like the suggestions of the Hello Fresh box and the idea of you doing more thinking, and him doing more doing.

Your anecdote in the car sounds just like a bit of a tired grumpy hangry end of the day holiday incident. We've all been there!

TractorAndHeadphones · 08/10/2021 20:39

@ElspethFlashman

Tbh he sounds like me. I have ADHD and anything to do with meal planning is horrendous for me.

I'd rather make it up on the fly. I mean, we're gonna eat something, right? It's not like we're going to starve!

But i have to take my turn so I do. But I occasionally will get to 4pm and realise with a start that people are gonna be expecting dinner in an hour and I don't even know what's in the freezer.

I'm successful at work. I have a job that suits my brain. It's reactive. But I do struggle with the mental load otherwise.

What has helped is having a whiteboard in the kitchen (DH calls it my "external brain") and lots of phone apps and phone calendars and phone alarms and timers set for 1 hour if I have to pick the kids up in an hour!

But I can honestly say that if I lived alone? I wouldn't bother with these efforts, as they are pretty exhausting on a daily basis, and I only keep all of it up because I have kids. I didn't have kids until I was 40, and spent the previous 20 years making it all up on the fly and doing everything last minute.

Also me ...

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/10/2021 21:42

Hi OP

I'm normally the first one on these types of threads to say peoples partners are lazy and selfish etc.

But from what you've said, for the first time on a mental load thread, I don't think thats the case. It just sounds like planning and coming up with ideas isnt his strength. And i normally agree with the 'but he does this at work' comments but....people can be different at home and work. My husband is really driven at work, is out and about all the time, and at weekends he is happy just to chill. He didnt mind lockdown as was happy being around the house. He is really social but doesn't see his friends much as he just isn't great at organising himself out of work. He will say 'I really need to meet with x and y' every year and not do anything about it, but at work he will say 'I've not visited this customer in a while' and the next week will make it happen. Anyway I digress sorry.

To me, it sounds like, in his home life he is just a natural 'follower' not a leader, he just isnt good at coming up with ideas. But to me it sounds like he actually makes up for that in execution. You've said has has taken on tasks at home such as pets and laundry that isnt even his, without being asked. You've said if you said you fancied fajitas he would be out buying ingredients for them and if you wanted a shed he would build one from scratch.

To be honest everyone has good and bad qualities and irritating habits. It sounds like his lack of planning and decision making is an irritating habit rather than a major personality flaw or indicative of anything more sinister like laziness or selfishness.

It's up to you if you think you can put up with this or not. But before I'd finish it I'd think of how you can both play to your strengths. If he is good at routine tasks, give him more of them to free you up for your planning/ decision making stuff

mrsm43s · 08/10/2021 21:55

The problem here is that your expectations are for him to act as a husband/cohabitee and a step dad.

He's not either of those things.

He's your boyfriend who doesn't live with you.
He is acting entirely like a non-live in boyfriend.

If you want to move the relationship to a deeper level, you need to have that conversation. But you can't expect him to act like something he is not.

Not his job to take on the mental load for your household and your children. Entirely unreasonable for you expect him to do so.

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