Help me unlock this instead of buying dp head off

[Burnerphone21]

My dp of several years is a kind and lovely man. He's the only partner I've ever been really proud of. He's gentle and supportive and an amazing step parent. My dds adore him. Even my exh thinks he's really nice and they actually get on well the two of them.

Dp will do anything I ask him to do and always wants to help. He really likes doing diy for me (we don't live together) and has taken on some big projects. He's v skilled.

My issue is that he rarely organises anything and the mental load is always on me. I'm expected to work out the details of whatever we do. If I organise an activity he will be delighted/offer to pay/always join in etc and always enjoys it that isn't the issue.

I had a bit of a meltdown at him few months back and his come back as ever is 'just tell me what you want and I'll do it' (he will it's true). I said ok look I need you to sort out one evening meal a week. Decide on food, buy it and cook it. He happily agreed to this and it lasted 2/3 weeks before he was texting me 'shall I put the dinner on?' Expecting me to have decided and shopped. It amounted to nothing really but I was too busy and tired to argue about it.

I posted a meme about female mental load on fb back along and dp took offence at it - again 'I'll do whatever you need me to just tell me'

Just tell me how to work this out with dp before I yell at him. He's not perfect and he's probably much more patient than me

An event which nearly tipped me into yelling at him was travelling a long distance to an event he was participating in which was close to his home but not ours and involved quite a bit of faffing about (related to his role). I realised in the afternoon he had put no thought whatsoever into where/when me and the kids would have dinner when there was quite a limited window for that. He isn't a parent but he's v experienced looking after children etc etc. We did end up having a brilliant time but it would have been easier if sorted out a lot more for us. This happens quite a lot when we visit his home. It's quite far, there's loads of nice stuff to do but he organises nothing in advance and I end up resenting the drive.

We both have very demanding jobs so I try not to get into the I'm more stressed than you thing. To be fair he never brings that up anyway.

FYI he has adopted routine tasks around the house which he does without being asked (sorting out the pets and food prep which is exactly the same every week so he knows exactly what to do)

But, with regards to the event, it was yours and your children’s dinner, so surely you should have sorted that?

@citycitycity

But, with regards to the event, it was yours and your children’s dinner, so surely you should have sorted that?

It was the 4 of us. And actually we had lots of time he didn't. I think moving forward I will agree to these trips on the condition that all that jazz is pre arranged

There's more though. Dp seems to struggle with the timings of things. Like offering to take me out for lunch and then wanting to deliberate over restaurant options on a Sunday when it's already about 2.30 and most places are shut.

This is an ace suggestion. I have the same issue with my DH. ‘Just tell me what needs doing.’ No! Just look around! It’s so much worse now I am on maternity leave. I am worried about when I go to work. These suggestions are fab though. I’m going to try and hope these work in our household.

It sounds like he’s worried he might do things wrong.

@Busybubbles

This is an ace suggestion. I have the same issue with my DH. ‘Just tell me what needs doing.’ No! Just look around! It’s so much worse now I am on maternity leave. I am worried about when I go to work. These suggestions are fab though. I’m going to try and hope these work in our household.

Sorry in response to @MaverickDanger comment

Dh is like this and always has been. But without the diy skills. He does loads of routine tasks around the house ie washing the clothes, hanging them up to dry, folding and putting them away, cleaning the bathroom every day etc.

He likes to do certain things on certain days ie Thurs is bedding and towel washing day etc. I just let him crack on with his jobs and I make sure we don’t run out of certain foods (he has the same breakfast every morning etc). After a bit of a discussion he now cooks at the weekend. But this with either be sausages, potatoes and veg, pasta and sauce or chili and rice.

I have (eventually) accepted him as he is and if I try to push him out of his comfort zone he gets really stressed and makes mistakes etc.

Again, he has a responsible job, has managed staff, buildings and resources etc.

It’s as though his brain can’t cope with doing and thinking loads of things at once.

Fortunately ds1 & 2 are nothing like that.

I just think everyone is different and responds in their own way, but it can be very frustrating and has taken me years to get to the stage where I accept him as he is and not what I’d like him to be.

It sounds like you don't live together? Which makes it hard to know what you expect him to do.

But I agree with those who say you should have stood by the cooking once a week. When he texted to ask about it, you just needed to reply "I don't know, you're sorting food tonight"; "It's up to you tonight", etc.

I would take that tack with more - e.g. "I want you to organise a day out for all of us on the last weekend of every month. Lets put it in our calendars now as 'DP's day'", and "I want you to organise a weekend away for the two of us twice a year (I'll sort childcare). Shall we agree on the weekends now?"

You don't live together and the children are yours and not his.

Not his responsibility to sort their food!

Honestly, only 3 years together and living apart, you are boyfriend and girlfriend. He is not "step-father" to your children, he is just your boyfriend.

I think it would be nice if you organised things like days out or holidays together, but ensuring that your children's needs are catered for is your responsibility.

It sounds like he goes over and above for you - doing DIY etc at your house! What do you do for him at his house in return?

He shouldn't be carrying the "mental load" for your household or for your children. It's not his responsibility. He carries the mental load for his household, you carry the mental load for yours.

I think it sounds like you do live together?

I think it's difficult. DH often asks me what to cook for dinner. He doesn't want to use up something when I may have a plan for it.

Generally though, I empathise because DH is exactly the same. Generous, hard working, diligent, but if it's not established in his calendar, it doesn't get done. We have linked online calendars so we can both see what's going on.

Some people have been awful here. Only you know this for sure but I suspect like someone else mentioned, he's worried about doing it wrong. It sounds like a confidence problem, not a lack of effort, considering he doesn't even live with you he does a lot for you all. It doesn't make sense tor him to drop the ball there really. And while, yes, it puts the mental load on you sometimes, it doesn't sound malicious. I'd try treating this with kindness and just tell him that he won't get it wrong, that you just don't always want to have to deal with every detail.

Not his responsibility to sort their food! usually I would agree with this. It's hard to explain without outing everyone. But it involved knowledge of where we were going (new place to me), very limited time and needing to travel to somewhere else and back. Really I should have left dp to sort his own dinner and taken the kids out but that would have upset him and he always wants to do things together.

@Lougle

I think it sounds like you do live together?

I think it's difficult. DH often asks me what to cook for dinner. He doesn't want to use up something when I may have a plan for it.

Generally though, I empathise because DH is exactly the same. Generous, hard working, diligent, but if it's not established in his calendar, it doesn't get done. We have linked online calendars so we can both see what's going on.

He stays with us a lot. We don't live together but when we spend time together it's 95% at my house. We could go to his more but I find it v stressful and now the dds have weekend commitments again.

DH is rather like this.

I compensate by allocating more of the regular, routine non thinking tasks to him. So he does more of breakfast/bathtime/actual cooking but I do more of the thinking stuff (eg it’s me who remembers to get something out of the freezer for dinner, or add ingredients to the shop, etc).

I’ve just gone back to work after mat leave @Busybubbles and so far, so good.

I make sure whoever is working from home puts on the dishwasher and a load of washing before they start work, and then unloads/puts out washing at lunchtime. Dry laundry is folded into individual baskets & we put our own clothes away. No ironing ever!

Cooking is 50/50, Hello Fresh has been great for him for ideas and then just grabbing and getting on while I put DS to bed & have a shower - I come down and it’s ready to eat! If we eat with DS, I clean up while DH is bathing him. If DH isn’t cooking, he tidies up & packs the nursery bag while im putting DS to bed.

We have a hanging organiser with days of the week in DS’ room that has slots for each day. On a Sunday I put in clothes, nappies etc in each slot and DH just packs it all in his nursery bag for the next day & grab it on the way out in the morning.

Slightly overtaken the thread, but part of DH’s reluctance to not “see” things was that he didn’t want to get them wrong and I was so “good” at doing them. So we had a really frank conversation where I said I didn’t care how things were done, just to get them done & we divvied out things that we naturally didn’t mind doing or really hated doing, and are fully responsible for those areas.

From what you said he doesn't seem like a twat - rather unsure of himself. I am somewhat similar. I can forget needing to get things out of the freezer, think what to cook etc. I have ADHD so a lot of things just go undone and neither DP nor I care.
The other thing is expectations. DP and I used to fold our own laundry before divvying up the chores and when we discussed it I simply put 'laundry'. Which i took to mean washing , folding the lot but he thought it meant only putthing things in the machine!

Two things can help:

• A frank discussion of chores and what he thinks you mean when you say 'do X'. Can't assume laziness. My mother for example claims she wants my dad to cook dinner and then gets pissy when he does because she still wants control.
• Consequences. If he fails at something let him. Don't pick up the pieces he will learn. I told DP that he needed to fold the laundry too and he forgot. I just went to sleep and ignored it and he now does all of it.

If you want a training method I suggest agreeing specific regular jobs for him e.g. dinner every Tuesday ('once a week' is too vague), and then come hell or high water DO NOT DO THEM! Under any circumstances. This was the only thing that worked with my DH. It took a while but he'd point out X hadn't been done and I'd just calmly reply 'that's your job' and go back to whatever I was doing! You need to be prepared for a bit of chaos and a couple of weeks of things not getting done and make your peace with it. Don't lose heart, he will get there! Sounds like you have a decent guy xx

(I realise women shouldn't have to do this!)

Also, maybe showing him this thread will give him an idea of just how much mental load there is (and give you ideas on what responsibilities to pass to him!)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feminism/4274326-Can-you-help-me-compile-a-list-of-tasks-that-are-emotional-labour-life-admin

With my OH I just accepted that we had different skills. I was good at dreaming up great things to do and organising them; he was good at enjoying them and generally being supportive.

There were things that he was good at that I was grateful for.

Yin and yang and all that.

Tbh he sounds like me. I have ADHD and anything to do with meal planning is horrendous for me.

I'd rather make it up on the fly. I mean, we're gonna eat something, right? It's not like we're going to starve!

But i have to take my turn so I do. But I occasionally will get to 4pm and realise with a start that people are gonna be expecting dinner in an hour and I don't even know what's in the freezer.

I'm successful at work. I have a job that suits my brain. It's reactive. But I do struggle with the mental load otherwise.

What has helped is having a whiteboard in the kitchen (DH calls it my "external brain") and lots of phone apps and phone calendars and phone alarms and timers set for 1 hour if I have to pick the kids up in an hour!

But I can honestly say that if I lived alone? I wouldn't bother with these efforts, as they are pretty exhausting on a daily basis, and I only keep all of it up because I have kids. I didn't have kids until I was 40, and spent the previous 20 years making it all up on the fly and doing everything last minute.

OP, try sharing this with him:
mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

It sums it up better than I ever could and as it’s written by a man, from his perspective, it may just get through…

I’d leave him. He’s a man child. You’re not his manager. He knows what he’s doing when he says ‘just tell me what to do’. He’s asking you to think about it ALL and give him some easy tasks. He’s a dick

I guess I was hopeful for some training methods 😂

You’ve put a laughing emoji but it’s really not funny. You’re not his mum.

If you want a training method I suggest agreeing specific regular jobs for him e.g. dinner every Tuesday ('once a week' is too vague), and then come hell or high water DO NOT DO THEM! Under any circumstances.

This x 1000

This is the only thing that will work. When he asks anything about food/meal/shipping just say “I don’t know, you’re sorting food tonight, you need to crack in with it because th kids need feeding at x o’clock”.

You may well need to preempt him for a bit but he will soon get the message if you stick to specific times/tasks.

But won't he just then say fine, Tuesday night is pizza night?

Would that be acceptable as a meal every week?

I don't tend to cook in my house but will often say it's my turn for dinner and have bought a fancy fish pie or ready meals or we order takeout. Which is fine with my partner. He cooks stuff as he like cooking.