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Original poster

How to separate when you both love each other

98 replies

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 07/10/2021 10:02

Found out my dh had an affair last year, weve tried for a year but I'm just finding it too hard and csnt get over it. Weve come to the conclusion we need to separate but how do we do that when we both love each other so much. We get on so well and he is just my favourite person, we hardly ever disagree or argue, we have so much fun and are into the same things. I know I'll never find anyone as perfect for me as he is, he is the one. But there is just too much heartbreak for it to work, I've put my guard up and cant let him in anymore, pushing him away. We have 2 children too and it just seems so sad to split up our fantastic family but I can't see any other way. How do I leave when I just dont want to. He says the same as me, that he loves me and wants to be with me but it's all just ruined and too sad and that we cant go back to what we had, so what's the point in staying and being sad together.

OP posts:
Pollypocket89 · 07/10/2021 10:04

In the nicest possible way, he's not really your 'person' or 'favourite person' is he... He cheated on you. I think you need to start reframing that in your head, op x

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 07/10/2021 10:07

Yeah your probably right but I just adore him. I know what he did was stupid and wrong, as does he and he is very sorry and wishes it had never happened. He says he just got caught up in it and that things had been going a bit shit between us, which I dont deny. And instead of dealing with it he had an affair to boost his ego. And I'm not saying it's right or acceptable but we both want to be together, so how do I get the strength to leave when all I want is to stay??

OP posts:
TheUnbearable · 07/10/2021 10:08

Well he ruined it I would find a bit of anger at him op, in fact did you not have any?

He split up the family, remember that and get annoyed.

I adore DH I really do but I know the betrayal would be too much and I wouldn’t be able to get over it.

3luckystars · 07/10/2021 10:09

Have you been for counselling together?

Clymene · 07/10/2021 10:10

Men who really live their wives don't have affairs

HeartsAndClubs · 07/10/2021 10:12

Could you go for couples counselling?

It’s not a popular view on here, but many couples do actually get past infidelity and go on to have happy marriages. But it takes a lot of work, and you both need to be prepared for what it will take.

But if you genuinely love each other then this could be salvageable with some outside intervention and a lot of time.

romdowa · 07/10/2021 10:12

Sorry but if he had loved you so much then he wouldn't have gone off with someone else. Good people don't do that

HollyBollyBooBoo · 07/10/2021 10:14

He doesn't love you enough to stop himself having an affair though does he.

Atla · 07/10/2021 10:14

I think you just have to rip the band-aid off and do it. Also, as @Pollypocket89 says you need to re-frame it in your head, he isn't your best friend, or perfect for you or any of that because if he was he wouldn't have had the affair.

I think when you have been with someone a long time you have all those threads of familiarity and connection built up over the years - activities you do together, shared jokes and humour, your friends and love for your children etc. It can be like a bereavement to lose that, but that's not to say you can't find a new way forward - alone, or eventually with a new partner.

If you both care for each other it should be easier to separate amicably and eventually build a friendship on different terms.

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 07/10/2021 10:14

No he wont go to counselling together and I've tried to go on my own but it's not my thing, I just didnt feel it helped at all. Yes I'm anger, very much so and heartbroken too. He accepts he has ruined it and it was all on him, he says he was doubting if he loved me but losing me (we did separate for 6 months) has made him realise he wants to be with me and that he loves me. He has had some counselling and like me he said he didnt feel it helped at all. He is willing to do anything to fix it but I just think it cant be fixed and now its ruined it might as well be over, but I dont want it to be. I k ow other people can make it work, so why cant we? Do they just pretend to make it work when really they are just accepting unhappiness and I cant do that? Or are they really ok? I just cant see how I could be happy without him when he is all i want.

OP posts:
WhoWearsShortShorts · 07/10/2021 10:17

Can you try another trial separation?

If he was really your best friend he wouldn't have had an affair because he could never have hurt you like that. What's he done to try and make it right?

Lisheen21 · 07/10/2021 10:17

@Clymene

Men who really live their wives don't have affairs
This 👆
WithRosesAroundTheDoor · 07/10/2021 10:19

But he's not willing to do anything to fix it if he won't go to counseling with you.
Honestly, it must be hard but you need to take off the blinkers and see him for what he is.

3luckystars · 07/10/2021 10:20

You have nothing to lose by going to one or two sessions of counselling together. It might help even if you decide to separate. It’s worth asking him once more and if he says he will do anything, he might just give it an hour of his time to this.

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 07/10/2021 10:20

I just think we cant put the kids through separating again. When he left I really did think it was over for good and I was happy and accepted it at the time. But then he started wanting to come back. He has made some effort, it's not been easy- he was white nasty to me for a while and says that was because he was scared I'd leave him so he was pushing me away, and he accepts this was awful and he is sorry. He has been much better recently and weve been getting on so well but then I had a wobble as I convinced myself he had been speaking to her and blew up about it. I just feel like if I'm not over it after a year is it ever going to happen? And why keep trying just to put off the inevitable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 07/10/2021 10:22

I did ask him yesterday to try counselling but he said no. And to be honest I dont really see how it could help as the issue is what he did and we cant undo that even if we wanted to.

OP posts:
WithRosesAroundTheDoor · 07/10/2021 10:26

He doesn't sound very nice. He was unfaithful and then awful to you?

Atla · 07/10/2021 10:26

Well if he was willing to do anything he'd go to counselling with you surely?

Honestly, I think very few couples truly get over an affair. It's very hard to really move past something like that. He's not the person you thought he was really is he? He's a liar and a cheat. He was having doubts about his feelings and instead of being honest with you, or trying to work on your relationship he had an affair. I don't think I could forgive that or move past it - why should you?!

Smashingspinster · 07/10/2021 10:28

He is willing to do anything to fix it but I just think it cant be fixed and now its ruined it might as well be over

But he isn't is he? He wont go to counselling. Plenty of people get over affairs and rebuild their marriages but it takes work and it sounds like you are not able to do it by yourselves. So either get help and stick with it, or dont and walk away. You don't see how it would help? Well, you wouldn't when you have not done it, would you? You have some hard choices to make it sounds like.

WhoWearsShortShorts · 07/10/2021 10:29

He's a liar and a cheat, he was nasty to you and he refuses to go to counselling.

You say you're angry - are you allowed to express that anger with him? How long have you been together?

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 07/10/2021 10:29

I know he has been awful to me and I do accept I dont deserve it, I mean things werent even that bad, I think he has convinced himself they were to justify his affair. We were very happy up until he did it. I dont want to want him, I want to be able to leave but I dont know how. I dont know how to stop loving him and i dont want to. How do i do it??

OP posts:
riotlady · 07/10/2021 10:29

Nothing you are saying make him sound like your best friend or a good husband at all.

  • He had an affair (so not a one night stand? Multiple incidents?)
  • He decided to “push you away” by being nasty to you (not something kind men do however “confused” they are)
  • He now refuses to go to counselling with you
BloodyBack · 07/10/2021 10:30

I think you should find some anger Op, he cheated, he was nasty and he also refuses couples counselling- he doesn't sound like he cares for anyone except himself Thanks

Atla · 07/10/2021 10:31

And then he was horrible to you!? Ugh.

Look, only you know if you can live with this or not. Separating will obviously be hard on you all but you can and will get through it to better times.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2021 10:31

Today 10:12 romdowa

Sorry but if he had loved you so much then he wouldn't have gone off with someone else. Good people don't do that“

This. One strike and you’re out, for me.