How to separate when you both love each other

[Bogiesaremyonlyfriend]

Found out my dh had an affair last year, weve tried for a year but I'm just finding it too hard and csnt get over it. Weve come to the conclusion we need to separate but how do we do that when we both love each other so much. We get on so well and he is just my favourite person, we hardly ever disagree or argue, we have so much fun and are into the same things. I know I'll never find anyone as perfect for me as he is, he is the one. But there is just too much heartbreak for it to work, I've put my guard up and cant let him in anymore, pushing him away. We have 2 children too and it just seems so sad to split up our fantastic family but I can't see any other way. How do I leave when I just dont want to. He says the same as me, that he loves me and wants to be with me but it's all just ruined and too sad and that we cant go back to what we had, so what's the point in staying and being sad together.

@Bogiesaremyonlyfriend

I know he has been awful to me and I do accept I dont deserve it, I mean things werent even that bad, I think he has convinced himself they were to justify his affair. We were very happy up until he did it. I dont want to want him, I want to be able to leave but I dont know how. I dont know how to stop loving him and i dont want to. How do i do it??

Well if you don't want to, you will have to live with it then.

I'm not really sure what you want from this thread

oh OP. Try to separate your feelings from your actions maybe. Push "love" off to one side and think "what do I need to do that's best for me" in as cold and detached way as possible.

What would you say to a friend that was going through what you are? Try to be a friend to yourself too.

Yeah the affair was I guess emotional leading to him sleeping with her on one occasion. I dont know if it would have carried on if I hadnt found out, he says not but obviously he would. I know it hadnt happened again after that one time until I found out which was about a month later. He hasnt contacted her since so he says, but again he would. I suppose I'm not keen to push him to go to counselling because I didnt find it helpful to me, she just said I sounded like I know what I want and to just get on with it. I know i probably sound so stupid but I just camt do it. Weve been together 19 years, since I was 14.

I always thought I'd be one strike and your out, and when he left first time I was all for him staying away but the reality isnt so easy

I'll bet you don't know the full story.

Weve come to the conclusion we need to separate but how do we do that when we both love each other so much

It would be helpful to be realistic here I'm afraid.

This man does not 'love you so much'. It's not a romantic tragedy you are living, just a cunt of a husband. The sooner you face him for what he is you will get past the bit where you also 'love him so much'. After all, he hasn't given you much to love, has he?

No I'm 100% sure I dont know it all but i guess that is irrelevant as I will never know. I think I know about as much as I can, I'm pretty good at finding stuff out and he wasnt great at hiding anything, I spoke to her too and they both told the same story. I guess what I'm looking for is a magic cure that will tell me how to leave this, I do recognise it is the right thing to do, I just csnt seem to go through with it

You don't have an affair if you love someone

I think you should post in Relationships or ask for this to be moved there.

There have been threads in the past where people have got over affairs, the main thing was that it's really tough to get over and can take years.

I know id tell my friends they deserve so much better and they would be better off without him!

How do you do it? One day at a time. You split and put firm boundaries in place that you do not cross. And you do things that are selfish that bring you happiness (on days when kids are with him). You do not engage with conversations about how much he misses you or how much you miss him. It will hurt and it will be difficult but while he pays lip service to doing anything that isn’t true - he’s already refused a request you made of him.
He also hasn’t accepted any responsibility - you say he has as he accepts fault but he has made no attempt to understand why he did it and as you say has justified it to himself. He says he got caught up in it - no, he made conscious decisions to engage in behaviour leading up to it, during it and then minimised it (lied about it too I assume). He says the marriage wasn’t good - he then decided to put his ego ahead of your and kids well-being - he hasn’t explained why. If he isn’t prepared to look at the worst parts of himself and change them then it will happen again. I’m so sorry but you cant make him do these things. He has to be want to do it to protect you. IMO that is how people get over it and stay together - by really digging into the whay and accepting personal failings and doing something about it.

What bit can't you do?
Saying its over and him moving out or sorting out assets/joint bills?
What's your housing situation?

You did it before so what is different this time?

I don't there is a magic cure other than time.

OP, if he won’t go for counselling then there really is no way back.

I get the finding it hard to separate when you’re still good friends. I went there with my eXH. We lived together under the same roof until I moved out after 8 months, and I can honestly say we still remained friends, and I thought we always would.

Even after we’d split, he would do things for me, I would go in for a drink when dropping off the DC, we had chats etc, and members of my family said we should probably never have split up.

But the thing which made the difference was distance. It’s harder to separate yourself from someone when you’re still in each other’s space, because you have that familiarity of being together, and even if there has been infidelity, feelings do still remain.

But over time we both moved forward. He started going out on dates, and eventually I got together with someone else. Once he was in a relationship his new partner essentially forbade him from ever having any kind of dealings with me, and obviously as time progressed that just became the norm.

For you the hardest and yet the easiest way to separate is going to be to move out, or have him move out.

The affair is a red herring at this stage. Not because it doesn’t count, but because in spite of you both loving each other, the chemistry between you both has changed. The affair is the cause of that, but now that the affair has finished, the change still remains. And if you can’t live with it, then the only solution is to walk away from it.

I think you need to stop putting him on a pedestal op

He cheated on you and all that comes with that. The lies, deceit and shittyness
His ego boost was more important than the pain he knew he'd cause
He won't go to counselling to try to work through it

He really isn't a nice person op, you certainly shouldn't be thinking he's perfect for you. Set the bar higher

I really do think counselling would be best for both of you. But if he refuses to go I can’t imagine how you could get through this. Time is a good healer, take it day by day if you leave him and after a while you should feel ok again

@Bogiesaremyonlyfriend

I know he has been awful to me and I do accept I dont deserve it, I mean things werent even that bad, I think he has convinced himself they were to justify his affair. We were very happy up until he did it. I dont want to want him, I want to be able to leave but I dont know how. I dont know how to stop loving him and i dont want to. How do i do it??

You need to get angry, you need to take off those Rose tinted glasses and be royally pissed at how he treated you. You need to tell yourself that you will not let this guy treat you like crap. You need to believe that you deserve better.

Last time it seemed so easy as we both wanted to separate but now neither of us do so it seems stupid to do. I'd be fine if he left, I'm lucky to be financially stable alone and to not have to worry about that side of things too much, obviously it would be more difficult but not impossible.

If he hadnt have tried to come back I'd be over it by now and be fine, but he did.

I'm not in the LTB category for the affair. Even though I'm a secret misandrist I get quite uncomfortable at the LTB responses on here sometimes, especially if both parts of the couple want to resolve issues.

But his lack of willingness to engage in counselling or even some form of restorative justice (for you) puzzles me. If he was willing to do 'anything' then surely he should do this?

Ther's no such thing as the one. You will be limiting your opportunities for a happy future if you think like that.

I have been very happily married for 35 plus years and I can't imagine being with anyone else. He is my best friend and I consider myself very fortunate indeed. An important element of our happiness is that neither of us would cheat on the other and are very honest with each other. I still don't think he is literally the only man I could have been happy with, even though I can't imagine being with anyone else.

Let's be honest if your husband was really this mythical "one" he probably wouldn't have cheated on you. You can have a happy life with another "one" who will not have affairs and will remain faithful to you.

His behaviour since the affair has been worse than the affair. He won't go to counselling because he's worried the counsellor would see right through him. He's gaslighting you into thinking your marriage was much worse than it was. He's been nasty to you, when it was all his fault.

The thing is that you're used to him - he's all you've known if you've been together since you were 14. It must feel as though you'd be ending your relationship with your family.

There's a new and better life awaiting you, OP. You have to get angry at everything - the nastiness and gaslighting as well, not just the affair - and stay angry.

And thank you. This is helping me a great deal.

He doesn't love you. He had an affair. He can't be arsed to go to counselling to try and save your relationship. And there's no way that he has told you the whole truth.

You need to be strong here.

He won't go to counselling to repair your marriage?

He sounds awful op. The affair is one thing, but this surely means the end.

You need to read back through your own posts. You're romanticising what you're losing in your head.

He had an affair.
He was awful to you.
You split for six months; and did fine, and found a new normal.. and then he decided he didn't want to be split anymore and came back, but he's not willing to entertain counselling.

He's not a fine specimen of a man; and I doubt he's your perfect person or your favourite person, really... and you're not those to him, either, because he cheated. He had an emotional affair; and then slept with her at least once. It wasn't even just sex.

You got over it once; you were okay by yourself. You will be again.

It'll help to be a bit blunter with yourself here.

Can you live like you currently are? Some people can. Some people can handle the anger and resentment; some can prioritise the life that they have over the one that they'd end up with if they split, it's not uncommon for people to stay for the house/lifestyle/etc.

If you can't, it's time to stop thinking about how much you love each other and how he's perfect; and remember that he cheated, and even if he was The One before; he obliterated that and it's gone, and it's not helpful to mourn it right now - you need to push on and make arrangements, so you can give yourself space and time to heal.

And if you did want to try again to forgive it... I'd be looking VERY carefully at how he can say he doesn't want to leave and he loves you and he's committed to you; whilst also not doing EVERYTHING HE POSSIBLY COULD to help you to forgive him, including counselling or voodoo dolls or whatever it might be that could help you out. His words don't match his actions, there.... and he's got form for lying.