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Relationships

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Original poster

How to separate when you both love each other

98 replies

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 07/10/2021 10:02

Found out my dh had an affair last year, weve tried for a year but I'm just finding it too hard and csnt get over it. Weve come to the conclusion we need to separate but how do we do that when we both love each other so much. We get on so well and he is just my favourite person, we hardly ever disagree or argue, we have so much fun and are into the same things. I know I'll never find anyone as perfect for me as he is, he is the one. But there is just too much heartbreak for it to work, I've put my guard up and cant let him in anymore, pushing him away. We have 2 children too and it just seems so sad to split up our fantastic family but I can't see any other way. How do I leave when I just dont want to. He says the same as me, that he loves me and wants to be with me but it's all just ruined and too sad and that we cant go back to what we had, so what's the point in staying and being sad together.

OP posts:

tenredthings · 07/10/2021 12:35

Personally if it was my DH I'd find a way to forgive him, what we've shared over the years has so much more depth and value than him shagging someone else. It could make you both more likely to stay together in the future, knowing the hurt this has caused he might be more sure to stay faithful to you.

Fluffypastelslippers · 07/10/2021 12:38

@tenredthings

I think working on your own self worth would be more beneficial under these circumstances

KeepPortlandWeird · 07/10/2021 12:49

Just stay together then. He’ll do it again in the future. Next time you’ll break up for good.

Sunshineandflipflops · 07/10/2021 12:57

@tenredthings

It could also make him more likely to do it again because he knows he can.

I was unfortunate to read some of the messages between my ex and the OW and believe me, what they said to each other was worse than the 'shagging'. That's a very simplistic way of looking at it.

Original poster

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 07/10/2021 13:12

I didnt thinking was shit at the time I think we had drifted apart and werent appreciating each other or taking time with each other and resentment was building but nothing that wouldn't have been easily fixable with a few honest talks and some date nights! Just standard ups and downs of a relationship. But it was our first one and apart from those few months, it wasnt even a long time, it was wonderful. I do think I have rose tinted glasses and he will end up looking more than me over this, he will want to come back again but I wont let him.

OP posts:

Letthefunandgamesstart · 07/10/2021 13:12

I was in the same position as you many years ago - been together 20 years, 2 children - he had an affair with someone at work. He moved out but moved back in after a few months. I just could not get over the betrayal and hated feeling that I couldn't trust anything he did. He didn't understand why I couldn't just get over it. In the end we went to couples counselling 4 times together and the last 2 on my own. It proved to be the thing that helped me end the marriage for good - on my last session the counsellor said to me that I had lost respect for the man I had loved for all those years- she was right, I had, and I couldn't be with someone I did not respect. It was the best thing to do for all of us - I respect him as the father of my children but nothing else. You are able to do this, and I hope, like me, that you will look back in a few years without regret.

BrilliantBetty · 07/10/2021 13:22

I'm so sorry but to me it actually sounds like he wants out.

He cheated. He has no motivation to have counselling. He is putting up no real fight to stay together.

Rejection is a really horrible, bitter pill to swallow. But he isn't The One and all that. And you're clearly not his The One. So get this over with, officially separate, get yourself some therapy and allow yourself to grieve but also to move forward with optimism

layladomino · 07/10/2021 13:28

I think he probably wants out. He's saying the right things (he'd so anything) but his actions show he isn't willing to make that effort. I suspect he wants you to take the decision so he can be the good guy who wanted to try but was let down by his wife.

But if he wanted to make it work, the bare minimum would be agreeing to counselling. And not some theoretical councelling in the future, but making an appointment tomorrow.

Plus any other conditions you need to establish in order to trust him again. He should be desperate to convinve you it won't happen again, and that means taking steps to reassure you - every day if necessary - until you're in a place where you can trust him.

If he doesn't want to do that, then he won't do 'anything' to save your marriage, and in fact isn't that bothered.

I think you deserve better than him.

dottiedodah · 07/10/2021 13:30

I wonder if you "love" your lifestyle? Thing is looking out to an unknown future on your own with 2 DC is daunting .You are looking at what you had and bigging it up .I think he has cheated on you,doesnt want Counselling ,and has come crawling back when you were on your own . If you can make the break for good it will be for the best .Divorce is painful ,and many people have some feelings for their partners ,you cant just stop loving someone overnight.This doesnt mean hes the "one " though!

1forAll74 · 07/10/2021 13:31

I think it is possible to get over all the hurt of someone having an affair. You have discussed together, how much you love each other, and what you have to lose if it all ended. Some people will obviously go along the road, of thinking that all is lost, and all trust has gone after an affair, but it doesn't always have to be like this. It is hard to break a long serious bond between people who have been happy before, and people can recover in time, it depends on people's personalities.

i wouldn't be bothered with counseling, as these people are just people, who are looking in from the outside, and know nothing about life at home and all that goes on.

Scbchl · 07/10/2021 13:37

"If he hadn't tried to come back, I'd be over it by now and be fine"

There's your answer. If you separate again then you'll be over it in time and be fine.

Time is actually the only healer for many things and I think in this case whether you stay or whether you go, time is only what will heal it.

usualreaderonly · 07/10/2021 14:37

For me time has been the healer yes. 1 year was nowhere near long enough to feel completely settled in the relationship again. Its now been 5 years. I, honestly, only turned the corner at around 4 years but to get there we both had to fully move forward for years before that. And I mean no bringing it up at any/every occasion. It’s a very difficult road but is possible. People will judge of course, you need to decide the road that you want to go down.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 07/10/2021 14:48

@tenredthings

Or it could make him realise that you'll stay regardless; and mean he has more affairs.

There's no way for either of us to know; but he's hardly falling over himself to be a decent husband now, and his actions don't match his words.

TreeSmuggler · 07/10/2021 15:15

The bottom line here is that he actually doesn't want to stay. If he really wanted to stay, he'd be begging for you back, willing to do anything, etc. Instead he is saying "oh dear, it's ruined now, nothing I can do".

So maybe move on from thinking you both love each other so much. Basically you've been dumped.

daffodils123 · 08/10/2021 14:00

@HeartsAndClubs

Could you go for couples counselling?

It’s not a popular view on here, but many couples do actually get past infidelity and go on to have happy marriages. But it takes a lot of work, and you both need to be prepared for what it will take.

But if you genuinely love each other then this could be salvageable with some outside intervention and a lot of time.

I second this.

Separate for a period of time but so couple counselling throughout and see if the distance + therapy helps.

People on MN are too quick to tell people to leave, especially when children are involved. If it can be avoided, not great for kids to bring a boyfriend / step dad into the situation and to them have to split custody and navigate his new relationships.

Also depends how remorseful he is, the nature of cheating (was if a one-off or was there prolonged deception over a long time, as the latter is a lot harder to forgive).

daffodils123 · 08/10/2021 14:02

@Bogiesaremyonlyfriend

I did ask him yesterday to try counselling but he said no. And to be honest I dont really see how it could help as the issue is what he did and we cant undo that even if we wanted to.

If he doesn't agree to go to counselling frankly it shows that he isn't willing to do anything to make it work.

He was the one who cheated so needs to put even MORE effort than you into making it work!

Moonface123 · 08/10/2021 14:36

You need a reality check, love does not cheat, lie or jepadise a seemingly secure family unit. Men who cheat, often go on to cheat again. Your showing a lack of respect towards yourself by tolerating it. A man who truly loves and respects a woman will have no desire to cheat, you let him off the hook now, he will respect you even less.
The fact you've had to post on here shows he was quite happy to put his own needs above yours and your children, and now created the ugly mess you are in.
I would let him go.

Tal45 · 08/10/2021 14:36

OP it doesn't sound like you want to split up at all. You might feel like you should because it's hard knowing the shit things he did - but it doesn't sound like it's going to be any easier being apart. If it was me I think I'd try again but I'd need a fresh start somewhere new, a new chapter where you both really put your time and effort into a new relationship together. I don't know if that's possible. I don't find counselling very helpful either but a good counsellor can sometimes reframe things in a way that in really helpful for you.

Loveshelly · 08/10/2021 18:15

It’s quite clear he doesn’t think you’re the one, otherwise he would do anything to save it.
You need to get angry

Confuseddotcom2021 · 08/10/2021 19:08

I’m in need of advice please. Sorry very long post about a very complicated marriage.
We’ve been married for nearly 20 years.
DH had a sex addiction of 5.5 years that I discovered in 2017.
I struggled with it a lot. Supported DH he went to therapy but the pain and shame never left me. I only ever told my mum and had group therapy and was carrying this dark secret.
During his addiction we had two more children (we had a 6 month old baby when it all started). So we now have three kids.

I found the whole time since the discovery of his addiction so painful. I found him also a quite an angry person after the nice behaviour wore off. He is prone to a temper.
Anyway during Covid I got quite low being at home doing home schooling and feeling generally trapped. I found the way he spoke to me made me feel worse and worse about myself and I think I was actually depressed. Anyway one day he swore at me and something snapped. I went online to a site and started to chat to some guys. I know it’s wrong but it made me feel better so much better than I’d felt for years. To have attention and to feel a bit of an excitement. Anyway one guy and I got chatting and arranged to meet for coffee. Early this year. Then our second meeting we went to a hotel and slept together. My husband found out a couple of days later when he saw messages on my phone and went ballistic.
He left for a few days.
He came back.
We had couples therapy individual therapy but he says he can’t forget what I did and can’t get over it. Eight months on I have moved on but he can’t. We now think it’s maybe better to separate as it’s simply not working.
Advice is much needed. I’m extremely sad and low and very confused.

Confuseddotcom2021 · 08/10/2021 19:13

Sorry I’ve posted in the wrong place 🙈

LizzieSiddal · 08/10/2021 21:44

@Confuseddotcom2021 don’t worry just report your post and ask @MNHQ to help you start a threat of your own.

gonnabeok · 08/10/2021 22:13

OP, I was you 18 months ago.Found out accidentally about the affair. Got told half of the truth (as is quite often the case with cheaters).we had been together a long time, I was devastated. I had him back and I really tried but I just couldn't forgive him. I couldn't forgive the pain he'd caused me and our dd, the lies, the moods and I eventually realised he was not the person I thought he was. I had lost respect for him and I knew I was done. I deserve better. It was weird I think we both had an element of codependency. Many months down the line I feel so much calmer and loads happier. He's with someone else and to be honest she's welcome to him.Ive raised my bar.you can do it too.

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