How to separate when you both love each other

[Bogiesaremyonlyfriend]

Found out my dh had an affair last year, weve tried for a year but I'm just finding it too hard and csnt get over it. Weve come to the conclusion we need to separate but how do we do that when we both love each other so much. We get on so well and he is just my favourite person, we hardly ever disagree or argue, we have so much fun and are into the same things. I know I'll never find anyone as perfect for me as he is, he is the one. But there is just too much heartbreak for it to work, I've put my guard up and cant let him in anymore, pushing him away. We have 2 children too and it just seems so sad to split up our fantastic family but I can't see any other way. How do I leave when I just dont want to. He says the same as me, that he loves me and wants to be with me but it's all just ruined and too sad and that we cant go back to what we had, so what's the point in staying and being sad together.

@Bogiesaremyonlyfriend

I know he has been awful to me and I do accept I dont deserve it, I mean things werent even that bad, I think he has convinced himself they were to justify his affair. We were very happy up until he did it. I dont want to want him, I want to be able to leave but I dont know how. I dont know how to stop loving him and i dont want to. How do i do it??

No, you weren’t very happy. He was having an affair and you were happy with what you THOUGHT your marriage was. It was an illusion and not real. He sounds like he’s acted like a bit of a shit since he’s been found out as well

He wasn't sorry when you didn't know.

We were very happy up until he did it

I don't think this is true though. Happily married people feel no need to have an affair, just like people in love don't. Maybe you felt you were happy but he obviously felt something was lacking.

He’s do anything to stay together but won’t do the really obvious thing that would help… couples counseling?

Are you sure he actually wants to get back together? Sounds like in any case you can do much better than someone who cheats on you and only gives a half hearted effort at reconciliation

Things are never black and white OP . A year isn't very long to get over something and for you both to reconnect .

Personally I'd carry on and see if things improve .

Have a listen to this

www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved?language=en#t-35465

I'm sure if I insisted he would try counselling I just havent been that keen myself. I'll try that and see where to go from here. I'm usually so decisive and not at all like this and I am disappointed in myself for being such a looser about it all!!

I have a friend who’s husband cheated on her. She found it by finding photos on his phone.

Anyway - they are still together. Because he knew he had massively fucked up. And he said he would do anything. And he did. Which included counselling together. That was a really important part of it. It was a place for them both to talk it out.

The fact that your DH won’t even think about couples counselling is telling. And I know you didn’t find counselling helpful,for you but it sounds like it was the wrong counsellor. You are at a different stage in the process now. He left. He was horrible. Then wanted to come back so came back. You are both trying to re-settle back but you can’t really. You have to be able to acknowledge what happened and the process and steps that got you to where you are now. And figure out what is going on for both of you.

As others have said the fact he was horrible to you on top of cheating doesn’t a good husband or best friend make.

[quote peridito]Things are never black and white OP . A year isn't very long to get over something and for you both to reconnect .

Personally I'd carry on and see if things improve .

Have a listen to this

www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved?language=en#t-35465[/quote]
Thanks. I guess i just feel like a year is ages and if I'm not over it now I never will be! I'll take a listen

We're just moving this over to our relationship topic at OP's request

When I read your first post I thought what a shame as you still love each other and maybe with counselling you could make it work despite the affair.

But every post makes him sound worse and worse. He won’t go for counselling - that’s a minimum surely if he wants to give things a go. He was horrible to you - even though it was him that had the fair. etc etc

He doesn’t sound like a lovely man at all.

This guy that sounds like a total arse is your ‘favourite person’. He’s treated you like shit. Grieve for your relationship and set the bar higher, easy for me to say but as an outsider, no, he doesn’t sound very nice.

OP - focus on the need not for a load of talk but on restorative justice for you.

I think you need to re-examine your belief that he will 'do anything to fix it' tbh OP, there seems a lot in your post that says otherwise from an objective view. Buy him a copy of 'How to help your spouse heal from your affair' and see whether he can be bothered to read it and act on the advice, then you'll know exactly how much effort he's really prepared to make. This was his 'mistake' and it's up to him to fix it, if he won't then you have your answer.

Consult a divorce lawyer and start the practical elements of separating. Where will you live/money.
Seriously, don't put up with a shame marriage. Your kids will feel your unhappiness, however we'll you think you hide it.

Buy him a copy of 'How to help your spouse heal from your affair' and see whether he can be bothered to read it and act on the advice, then you'll know exactly how much effort he's really prepared to make

Sounds interesting! (Make him buy it though :))

My exH left me for OW 3 years ago. I never felt angry. No one could understand my lack of anger. I felt hurt but not angry. I think it was because I just know my ex isn’t a ‘bad’ person. Sometimes good people do bad things.

I educated myself on how and why people have affairs. I read until I fully understood. People who have affairs are comparing the bad aspects of the old relationship with the shiny new one, so it’s not a fair comparison. They also justify the affair to themselves so they can live with what they’ve done and your H being unkind to you is textbook affair behaviour.

I have been separated very amicably from my ex for 3 years now. I’m in a new relationship now and very happy. I will always love my ex as the father of my children; he’s family to me.

If you still love one another and want the marriage to work then I believe you can.

I found this organisation had a lot of useful advise and helped me understand why affairs happen: marriage-helper.com

I had a lot of people tell me that I should be angry and bitter but I didn’t want to waste a day of my life on that.

If you decide that you’ll be happier if you separated, you’ll be fine that way, too. I was very scared at first but life is good.

Good luck.

@Atla

I think you just have to rip the band-aid off and do it. Also, as *@Pollypocket89* says you need to re-frame it in your head, he isn't your best friend, or perfect for you or any of that because if he was he wouldn't have had the affair.

I think when you have been with someone a long time you have all those threads of familiarity and connection built up over the years - activities you do together, shared jokes and humour, your friends and love for your children etc. It can be like a bereavement to lose that, but that's not to say you can't find a new way forward - alone, or eventually with a new partner.

If you both care for each other it should be easier to separate amicably and eventually build a friendship on different terms.

Hi op. I have been in a very similar position to you and I have to agree with this.

I found out my husband was having an affair. We had pretty much been together since we were 16, married for 13 years when it happened. He was my everything and I adored him.

I knew the second i found out though that my marriage was over. I would never be able to look at him again in the same way and not see her and what he did to our family.

He said he'd been unhappy but couldn't give a reason why and it was the first I knew. His 'unhappiness' seemed to coincide very well with starting an affair with a younger woman at work.

It's been almost 4 years now and I'm not sure I will ever be "over it". I meant every one of my marriage vows and a switch doesn't just click when you find out something like this that stops you loving them. You can love them and be angry with them all at the same time.

My marriage ending has had a profound impact on me and I feel guilt every day for our children BUT I couldn't let them grow up in a house full of resentment, where I became a shadow of myself and believed that was all I was worth. I worked hard to be amicable with their dad and they see a lot of both of us. Even together sometimes (birthdays, etc). He and I both have new partners (not the woman he had an affair with funnily enough) and I'm happy.

It's hard and if I could choose, I would have our family unit back without the affair having happened but it did happen and that's on him. I love my dp but I will never feel what I felt for my ex husband for anyone else. I know that. All relationships are different though and different can be good too.

Sorry if that was all about me, I was just trying to say I understand how you are feeling. You desperately want to cling on to what was but that has gone forever and if you both can't work with what is now then you need to walk away and try and co-parent your children the best way you can.

@SophieKat1982

My exH left me for OW 3 years ago. I never felt angry. No one could understand my lack of anger. I felt hurt but not angry. I think it was because I just know my ex isn’t a ‘bad’ person. Sometimes good people do bad things.

I educated myself on how and why people have affairs. I read until I fully understood. People who have affairs are comparing the bad aspects of the old relationship with the shiny new one, so it’s not a fair comparison. They also justify the affair to themselves so they can live with what they’ve done and your H being unkind to you is textbook affair behaviour.

I have been separated very amicably from my ex for 3 years now. I’m in a new relationship now and very happy. I will always love my ex as the father of my children; he’s family to me.

If you still love one another and want the marriage to work then I believe you can.

I found this organisation had a lot of useful advise and helped me understand why affairs happen: marriage-helper.com

I had a lot of people tell me that I should be angry and bitter but I didn’t want to waste a day of my life on that.

If you decide that you’ll be happier if you separated, you’ll be fine that way, too. I was very scared at first but life is good.

Good luck.

I agree with this too. I was angry for what he had done to our family but I have remained friendly with him, which some people can't understand. Truth is, he is a good person who did a stupid thing but that one stupid thing led to the end of our marriage. He is a good dad and our kids are happier if we have a decent relationship.

@SophieKat1982 is spot on. If you are both 'tired of trying' which I think is what your OP is saying then you can move forward. Honestly if you both still care for each other, use that love to move forward with care and compassion for yourselves and each other. - this means you can help each other to separate. It doesn't have to be full of anger and pain and isn't he a bastard stuff - that isn't what will keep you moving forward towards a new happiness - I promise.

The reason I know this is that I have experienced the pain of ending a marriage (my infidelity in the end was the final nail in the coffin). Now we are good co-parents to our 2 children, they have done amazingly and now this is our normal. Since the divorce, he and I have both found new partners who are much better suited. I married when I was 23, had my first child at 24 - who I chose as a partner then is not the same person I choose now.

Its ok to end your marriage because you can't get past the sadness, it's ok to grieve what you had and then its good to move through healing to happiness again...you will get there lovely.

OP

You said you’ve been with him since you were 14?

I think that’s a big part of it.

You might not even know who you are without him.

For me it would be: couples’ counselling or you leave.

Thanks for sharing your experiences it does all help. That Ted talk was excellent

Rather than you having counselling to try and get over the affair start having counselling to help you come to terms with ending the relationship. This can be very helpful.

I don’t think he loves you as much as you think. He doesn’t sound like he wants to save the marriage and you’ve put him on a pedestal. You seem to have rose tinted spectacles wrt him. I think you’re holding onto what you had before his fling/affair.

Having an affair doesn’t mean someone doesn’t love you. But refusing to go to counselling does for me. He’s also still blaming you by saying your relationship was the problem so he’s not engaging with why he actually did it (which will have been nothing to do with you). He doesn’t seem to feel genuine remorse. I wonder if reflecting on that might help shift something in how you’re feeling?

We get on so well and he is just my favourite person, we hardly ever disagree or argue, we have so much fun and are into the same things. I know I'll never find anyone as perfect for me as he is, he is the one.

The above might be how you think you relationship is but if you look at what you have actually said, it is in reality very different.

He had an affair, he won't go to counselling despite say he will do 'anything' to make it right not to mention you admitting in one update your relationship was 'shit' at the time. Time to reframe your relationship in your head I think.