Same old story- DH texting sport ‘friend’

[Staroriginal]

Sooo, DH has a hobby that he enjoys that I don’t take part in - or much interest. It’s a sport related thing and he takes part in it in an organised club on a regular basis.
It appears he has struck up a friendship with a woman in this club who I have recently discovered he messages with on a regular basis-think early mornings/late at night, often when I’m in bed. It used to be sport related chat, but now is more general, a lot about shared film watching.
I’m starting to feel uncomfortable about this. I’m not a cool wife, but equally not fussed about friendships of either sex. But this woman had an affair with someone in the club, and the conversations with DH occasionally refer to partners being ‘old’ or ‘boring’ for falling asleep, and there’s a definite ‘let’s have a special chat about this film we’re both watching’ vibe. Added to this he has never mentioned her to me, and certainly never in the context of chatting or friendship.
I dunno, am I reading too much into nothing? I can’t decide if I should have a chat with him. I suppose I should regardless, if I feel uncomfortable, but there’s no real reason why I feel this way. I don’t think! And yes, I have sneaked phone looks- he doesn’t know this!

Errr I really couldn’t give a shit about this.
I am going to stab at a running club?
The smaller ones tend to be super mate-y and most people chat often in my experience. One of my best friends is a man, married, two kids, we text most days including sometimes at funny hours and their is literally the square root of nothing going on. his wife likes me, my DP likes him. All good.

It wouldn’t bother me other than:

But this woman had an affair with someone in the club, and the conversations with DH occasionally refer to partners being ‘old’ or ‘boring’ for falling asleep

What would he say if you suggested joining?

It’s cycling rather than running, but yes, small, local club.

If I suggested joining he’d probably be amused- I’m not known for my interest in cycling!

@WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy this is the point for me- for a long time it was about cycling gear, but now it’s moved into a different direction. And if I knew her I’d have no issue but I don’t- she is literally never mentioned except in the context of the affair occasionally.

I dunno, my spidey sense are slightly tingling.

Hmm. Bit direct but I think I would say apropos of nothing 'dh, you know that if you get friendly with a woman from the club I would not be happy with secret messaging that you don't tell me about, right? I think you know where the boundaries are but do we need to have a conversation about it to make sure we are on the same page?'

If your spider senses are tingling that's usually a sign you're picking up subtle signals...especially if you're never normally anxious about that kind of thing. Does he usually talk about other female friends openly?

Oh. I have a male sport friend who I'm in text contact with fairly regularly.

To begin with all our conversation was about the sport, but naturally as we became friends rather than acquaintances that became wider and we do share a fairly specific interest in film and discuss film that no one else we know is interested in.

I don't know for sure that his wife knows about this, there's absolutely no reason she shouldn't but otoh if the exchanges happen when she's not there, they're not interesting enough to mention later and she's not interested in the subject matter anyway.

I've never had any message that criticises his wife in any way though and I'd give him short shrift if I did.

Phew, my sport's not cycling

I’d talk to him about it. Not necessarily because I think he’s cheating but because I think he’s in danger of blurring boundaries here, especially talking about you negatively to her, that’s just not on.

@KintsugiForever

If your spider senses are tingling that's usually a sign you're picking up subtle signals...especially if you're never normally anxious about that kind of thing. Does he usually talk about other female friends openly?

I don’t know if he does, I’m trying to think… I think he does in passing, as in ‘ oh, Kim messaged me saying she’s got a new dog’ kind of thing.

Sounds like she is the clubs favourite umm bike?

I wouldn't be happy with the tone or direction of there relationship

Thinking about it, there are a couple of men in my running club I exchange messages like this with. It wouldn’t occur to me to tell DP, because I’ve no interest in these men beyond casual chat, they’re really not important enough to “mention”, iyswim. Entirely possible that’s why he hasn’t “told you” about her - she’s just a woman from a hobby who he sometimes has a chat with.

I suppose you can bring it up with him and see what his reaction is and whether it tells you he’s actively been hiding her or just hasn’t thought anything of it.

Yeah I'd definitely feel uncomfortable if DH referred to be as old and boring whilst secretly chatting to his fun new cycling female friend.

Not sure what I'd do, but I would ignore the "Oh yes I have a male friend it's such fun brigade". It's easy for boundaries to get blurred especially if you're spending time doing your hobby with an attractive member of the opposite sex who wants to have secret evening chats with you.

Oh and what gives the game away is talking about spouses in a derogatory fashion. Those of you with genuine matey banter with your hobby pals - I bet you never mention your DPs, because it shouldn't be relevant.

@rookiemere

Oh and what gives the game away is talking about spouses in a derogatory fashion. Those of you with genuine matey banter with your hobby pals - I bet you never mention your DPs, because it shouldn't be relevant.

I got the impression it was the woman referring to her partner as old and boring, rather than the other way around.

If OP’s DH is telling anyone, of any sex or attractiveness level, that he thinks his wife is old and boring then it isn’t the messaging or the friendship that’s the problem, it’s that he’s disrespectful and clearly doesn’t like her very much - which is the reason to consider ending the relationship, not his friendship or messaging.

Snooping through your partner's phone is a much, much bigger red flag and reason to LTB than chit-chat about sport and film.

Like a lot of people I have friends, of both sexes, that I talk to about subjects that DP has no interest in. I might have mentioned them to him in passing at some point. I certainly don't mention that I've messaged them, specifically or generally. "So DP, this person you don't know and have never met has such-and-such opinion on this film you haven't seen and wouldn't like." I can just imagine his unimpressed "why on earth are you telling me this" face.

I also don't know why people read so much into the timing of messages? I sometimes get round to clearing a Whatsapp backlog before bed or when I wake up and it means nothing?

Ahem. I wasn’t ‘snooping’. Actually, there is that too- he’s not careful with his phone- we have two young boys and they know the code and use it all the time to play nonsense on.

I think perhaps I’m not accusing him of anything, it’s more like @GoWalkabout says, I think boundaries may be crossed/ about to be crossed.

I think talking about partners in a contemptuous way is a really really bad sign. I think things are getting far too cosy and you need to confront it sooner rather than later.

It's bothered you enough to come on here with it - I think you have to raise it with him.

I would go with a tone of 'concerned he may be straying into blurred boundaries territory' and steer clear of anything accusatory that may cause defences to go up. It sounds hopeful that he hasn't done anything awful, but that gradual drip drip into a danger area is a real thing that he should absolutely want to avoid.

I have opposite sex pals I message about all sorts of things. Eg people Ive met through work. But over the years I've learnt it's healthier to try and keep it as a group chat - even 3 is better than 2.

Unfortunately you can't suggest they do that, but it'd be nice if they could figure that out on their own.

If he knows you know his passcode then I’d be comforted that he hadn’t changed it. Snooping in his phone takes away the moral high ground imo so id just tell him straight that you’d had a peek and didn’t like what you saw. Yes you’re wrong for looking but is he completely innocent? You need to find out and talking to him is the easiest way

@Theunamedcat

Sounds like she is the clubs favourite umm bike?

I wouldn't be happy with the tone or direction of there relationship

Christ. Such casual misogyny

You say you weren’t snooping yet you also say And yes, I have sneaked phone looks- he doesn’t know this and you have ‘recently discovered’ his text chats, know the content of them going way back yet haven’t discussed it with him- so how do you know if you weren’t snooping?

@HollowTalk

I think talking about partners in a contemptuous way is a really really bad sign. I think things are getting far too cosy and you need to confront it sooner rather than later.

I agree completely. Your husband is playing with fire.