Same old story- DH texting sport ‘friend’

[Staroriginal]

Sooo, DH has a hobby that he enjoys that I don’t take part in - or much interest. It’s a sport related thing and he takes part in it in an organised club on a regular basis.
It appears he has struck up a friendship with a woman in this club who I have recently discovered he messages with on a regular basis-think early mornings/late at night, often when I’m in bed. It used to be sport related chat, but now is more general, a lot about shared film watching.
I’m starting to feel uncomfortable about this. I’m not a cool wife, but equally not fussed about friendships of either sex. But this woman had an affair with someone in the club, and the conversations with DH occasionally refer to partners being ‘old’ or ‘boring’ for falling asleep, and there’s a definite ‘let’s have a special chat about this film we’re both watching’ vibe. Added to this he has never mentioned her to me, and certainly never in the context of chatting or friendship.
I dunno, am I reading too much into nothing? I can’t decide if I should have a chat with him. I suppose I should regardless, if I feel uncomfortable, but there’s no real reason why I feel this way. I don’t think! And yes, I have sneaked phone looks- he doesn’t know this!

How do you know about these messages? Are you going through his phone?!

I snooped and wish I had snooped 3 years sooner.

I would not be happy about the way this is heading OP.

It's all explained in the thread.

There’s some scientific evidence suggesting this is because men are hard wired to strike up friendships only with women they find attractive
www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends/

What an interesting article! Thanks for sharing @MoreStuffingMatron

Anyone know of a younger guy suddenly taking up messaging/texting with a new female friend who was in her 60s or one who wasn’t at least kind of ‘his type’ — I don’t.

@Crikeyalmighty Nope. Funny that, eh!
In my experience, the men who have been my friends have eventually shown to have had ulterior motives, which I've actually found rather disrespectful. It's not exactly flattering to find out that they wouldn't have given me the time of day had they not found me physically attractive.

I’d be seriously pissed off if my DH was messaging a woman early in the morning and late at night.

She’s got form and your DH is being very deceitful and disrespectful to you.

Theres a few issues here for me, the regular contact, the late night texts and her history. I think you have to come clean about seeing his phone and have a big honest chat with him. Warn him what direction he is going in.

Hmm I'm not sure. On one hand I think there's probably nothing to it if he openly allows your DC to faff about on his phone but then again, I'd have to wonder why he hadn't mentioned her as the conversations have now deviated from their sport.
I think the approach of seeing her message pop up and going from there is a good place to start.

Nah mate. Shut it down. Your senses are tingling for a reason. DH needs to mention you and your kids and back off from this. He wouldn't be texting men like this. The woman's got form. He's straying into emotional affair territory. Don't be cool, this has upset you and he's jeopardising your relationship.

I would be wondering why he was messaging her and I would also be wondering why she was messaging him.

Well, we had a talk about it.

He said: I told you we were friends, there’s nothing going on, I’d never sleep with someone else.

I said: here’s what an EA looks like, you need to guard your heart in a long term committed relationship, how would you feel if this was my level of communication with another man?

He said: what do you want me to do?

I said: THE RIGHT THING. DO THE RIGHT THING.

I was ok for a couple of days but today have woken up full of fury. I’m second guessing everything, he never puts his phone down and he has literally said nothing since about it. It’s like it’s all over, carry on as normal. No mention of how he’s sorted it. I absolutely hate this, I have enough to manage without feeling like this.

I can’t work out if I need to manage my issues with trusting someone or if this is normal!

That isn't normal.

Agree - it's not normal. You need to ask him if he's cut off contact now & see what he says. Sorry he's putting you through this Op

@garlictwist

How do you know about these messages? Are you going through his phone?!

Oh lord the fake outrage.

Would never let my partner text another woman just for a chat. I’m not a controlling person I just think that’s standard behaviour! If I was in a relationship and joined a cycling club there’s no way I’d spend any time outside of the club texting a bloke from about films or about my day! Soo weird!

Did he answer your question about how he would feel if you were behaving the same way with another man ?
Not sure where you go from here OP, but I wouldn't be impressed in your shoes.

What do you actually want him to do, as 'do the right thing' seems very vague at the moment? If you're cross at him for something he hasn't done because he doesn't know you want him to do, then maybe you need to be more specific.

@Staroriginal I think you need to bring it up again and ask him exactly what action he’s taken to draw a line under that level of communication. It was defo heading into EA territory and he damn well knows it.

This doesn't sound good.

Normal reaction would be ...hell, I didn't realise this was making you feel so bad, she's not important to me, just someone from the club. I can see yes we've started texting more to the point its not normal. I'm not gonna blank her but I'm gonna just stick to texts about the sport and there's no need for lots of those.

The "just a friend" line is a classic all on its own.

I'm sorry.

I think his response of silence since is disrespectful and I can understand you annoyance.

Raise it with him again and ask how he has dealt with what you spoke about. It reads to me that you need him to react to what you have said to him, i.e. react = take actual actions. Tell him specifically what that looks like for you and see how he responds. I suspect reading between the lines you don’t want him texting her at all as a best scenario but maybe you are willing to compromise to some other level.

My DH runs a lot with other men but also with women. They all chat for hours on their longer runs. There are no one to one texts after it is all banter on what’s app groups.

So he’s now guarding his phone? And not mentioned it at all.
I agree that’s not normal. And I’d be waking up angry too in your position.
I think you need to ask him what he’s done about it and judge his reaction. Be prepared he might lie though and tell you what he thinks you want to hear.
And as phone seems more guarded, I’d check snd see if he’s changed his password.

I think his response is that he now knows it's not quite right, and knows your upset but is not sure how to close things down with her. Please don't be angry, be calm. Just say have you heard much from friend, have you told her I'm uncomfortable with how close your friendship has become and it's upset me, what did she say, then go from there. I have been here and it's not nice.

“Never puts his phone down”? If this is new, then it’s not good. The sudden ‘everything is fine now’ attitude and not mentioning it is classic stonewalling to get you to have to be the one to bring it up again and be the bad guy. Makes it look as if it’s massively insignificant to him and you’re making too much of it. You’re ever likely angry and frustrated.
He needs to tell you what he thinks and what he’s done about it. “I’d never sleep with anyone else” sounds like his idea of cheating is that it isn’t cheating unless it gets physical. This might be how he justifies the friendship to himself. “I’m not really doing anything”. If it isn’t an emotional affair he’s making it sound like one and his behaviour is making it look worse.
It actually makes it look like he’d rather protect his relationship with his female friend than his relationship with you.
Raise it again as calmly as you can, tell him you need to know what he thinks the right thing to do about it is and that his closeness to another woman is hurting you and you want it to stop.

I'd ask him what he's done/how he feels since you spoke to him.
He should have reassured you and he hasn't. I'd have to follow it up.

I'd ask him what he's done/how he feels since you spoke to him.
He should have reassured you and he hasn't. I'd have to follow it up

His silence says to me he’s angry, guilty, doesn’t care or thinks you are over reacting and is ignoring it. That’s probably why you’re suddenly furious.

I’d wait a week or two, then raise the matter again when you’re both relaxed eg Sunday afternoon. If I were you I’d just be calm and gently questioning and suss out the “feeling” element, rather than go on attack or ultimatum mode. Just focus on him and what he’s doing, why, and the feeling element. That will give you a lot more information and you can ponder more.

I’m single, but if I had a partner I wouldn’t like daily messaging with another woman. I’d be suspicious.

Is he attentive, respectful and loving to you? Do you think his head has been turned? Does he like flirting generally? Etc.