Same old story- DH texting sport ‘friend’

[Staroriginal]

Sooo, DH has a hobby that he enjoys that I don’t take part in - or much interest. It’s a sport related thing and he takes part in it in an organised club on a regular basis.
It appears he has struck up a friendship with a woman in this club who I have recently discovered he messages with on a regular basis-think early mornings/late at night, often when I’m in bed. It used to be sport related chat, but now is more general, a lot about shared film watching.
I’m starting to feel uncomfortable about this. I’m not a cool wife, but equally not fussed about friendships of either sex. But this woman had an affair with someone in the club, and the conversations with DH occasionally refer to partners being ‘old’ or ‘boring’ for falling asleep, and there’s a definite ‘let’s have a special chat about this film we’re both watching’ vibe. Added to this he has never mentioned her to me, and certainly never in the context of chatting or friendship.
I dunno, am I reading too much into nothing? I can’t decide if I should have a chat with him. I suppose I should regardless, if I feel uncomfortable, but there’s no real reason why I feel this way. I don’t think! And yes, I have sneaked phone looks- he doesn’t know this!

I would take this opportunity to bring up his general phone usage too. If he never puts his phone down that's an issue in addition of this woman

Did he not answer when you turned it on him and ask how he'd feel in your position? Did he really just say "What do you want me to do?"

And then did he respond to your "Do the right thing."

If that is how it went down, and nothing's happened since, then to keep things mature and amicable I would hold my head high and start a second conversation. "I wanted to check in after our conversation about X the other day. Have you had any thoughts since? How are you planning on handling it?"

I think that will give you some important information, either way....

Thank you all once again for your measured responses, and yes, I agree, a calm ‘checking in’ is the best idea.

I just feel so bloody angry though-where would he have drawn the line if I hadn’t said anything? I feel as if I’ve lost the trust in our relationship, which is a really shitty place to be. Having said that, I know I am prone to massively catastrophising things, so thank you all for keeping my feet on the ground with this.

Ok, so he's chosen to ignor your requests, back to silence on the matter.

Sat here listening to Simon and Garfunkel on Radio 2, the lyrics "silence like a cancer grows", this is your marriage and here is the silence that will allow this threat to your marriage to grow.

He needs to respond, been there got the T shirt as many have, the reassurances didn't come, just that akward moment when you thought someone cared.
Even if he makes the right noises, it could then go underground, they now have a shared intimacy of keeping things quiet and you will be the outsider.

I hope none of this is your relationship, but honestly I couldn't do it again, the second guessing, I think I would go straight to the end, but that's me, battle worn.
Your husband has no idea how important this time is regarding your marriage, it can make or break it, he needs to be very respectful to you and put your first.

@Staroriginal. Sorry you are going through this. I had something similar earlier this year. Husband was chatting to a colleague and blissfully missed all the signals and she came come on to him via drunken WhatsApp messages. He brushed her off but also chose not to tell and kept it all secret. One night I noticed loads of notifications pop up when I couldn’t sleep do questioned him about it. He says it was nothing just him supporting a friend through a difficult time but I just don’t trust him anymore. Sad after 30 years together - I just don’t feel the same about him. Like you I wonder what would have happened if I didn’t say anything….

I hate this kind of thing. It makes you go crazy and then when you break up (not saying that you will!) The guy is like "oh she was crazy".

Yes well...why is that hmmmmm?

I don't even care if you snooped or not. It's not like you'd been checking his phone daily before this. It's when something changes and it's a quick way to find out because usually, people lie!

Have you managed to see any messages since you spoke to your husband? Would be interesting to know if he took what you said on board or just disregarded your feelings completely

He hasn’t done anything different since you talked about it; he’s very disrespectful of you and your relationship

…there’s nothing going on, I’d never sleep with someone else.

But he will allow himself to act like a single man by building inappropriate emotional closeness with and reliance on this OW, as evidenced by their regular chats and film ‘dates’ while you are sleeping.

Star, your anger is a reasonable response. You expressed your deep concern that he is crossing boundaries, but he hasn’t respected you enough to follow through with any dialogue or reassurances that he has made changes.

His EA behavior + stonewalling + ramped up phone use = contempt.

I’d walk away and leave them to it.