Page 2 | Same old story- DH texting sport ‘friend’

Staroriginal · 2021-10-06T20:47:13+00:00

Sooo, DH has a hobby that he enjoys that I don’t take part in - or much interest. It’s a sport related thing and he takes part in it in an organised club on a regular basis. It appears he has struck up a friendship with a woman in this club who I have recently discovered he messages with on a regular basis-think early mornings/late at night, often when I’m in bed. It used to be sport related chat, but now is more general, a lot about shared film watching. I’m starting to feel uncomfortable about this. I’m not a cool wife, but equally not fussed about friendships of either sex. But this woman had an affair with someone in the club, and the conversations with DH occasionally refer to partners being ‘old’ or ‘boring’ for falling asleep, and there’s a definite ‘let’s have a special chat about this film we’re both watching’ vibe. Added to this he has never mentioned her to me, and certainly never in the context of chatting or friendship. I dunno, am I reading too much into nothing? I can’t decide if I should have a chat with him. I suppose I should regardless, if I feel uncomfortable, but there’s no real reason why I feel this way. I don’t think! And yes, I have sneaked phone looks- he doesn’t know this!

Onthedunes · 06/10/2021 23:57

I don't feel you are being unreasonable to think your husband is dedicating a little too much time and effort to this woman.

altmember · 07/10/2021 00:10

I think it depends on the frequency and content of the messages. I mean if they're sending each other good morning/night messages every day, and flirty banter then that's a bit beyond just mates. I don't have any friends that message every single day.

I think in your position I'd make some jokey comment about this woman's affair tendancies next time her name comes up in conversation - "I hope she's not working on you for her next conquest lol". His reaction will be telling, and also, if he's completely oblivious to her targeting him (if she even is), then it might set gears in motion in his head to identify it as that.

MsDogLady · 07/10/2021 00:47

Star, you are not overreacting. Your H is secretly developing emotional closeness with a woman he’s never mentioned.

They have been interacting at the hobby, and have now moved into regular private messaging. Whereas their initial chat was related to the sport, the dynamic is now infused with more emotional energy. They are in each other’s heads first thing in the morning and late at night, and are carving out space to build a connection. They are now sharing information about their personal lives and are bonding over films, etc.

Of further concern are the ‘old, boring partners who fall asleep’ remarks. Besides the obvious disrespect, they are making comparisons. In others words, ‘Your P is boring but I’m not/My P is boring but you’re not/Our Ps are boring but we’re not. This sort of criticism/comparison is commonly made during the slippery slope into emotional affair territory.

This wouldn’t be happening in my marriage and it shouldn’t be happening in yours. You need to have a serious conversation with your H.

Onthedunes · 07/10/2021 01:34

Also, the texts you see are maybe not the whole story.

Have a look at his recent emoji list, they may be revealing.

Sakurami · 07/10/2021 03:22

It doesn't sound like anything has gone on but it sounds like it's beginning to get a bit more intimate. I play a sport and it's all women and I do a hobby with both men and women but both in a small group and we have group chats. We only chat in the group chats.

The problem is fessing up to reading his messages - why did you? Just curiosity or did you have a feeling?

GiantHaystacks2021 · 07/10/2021 03:48

I wouldn't be happy about this.
I don't think it sounds good at all.

1forAll74 · 07/10/2021 03:49

Are there some kind of rules, or a list of things, that you can only talk about, if a man has a woman friend, who he talks to, at a sports thing or other establishment. And is it possible. to find a woman anywhere, who does not snoop on another persons phone.

peardropsonarainyday · 07/10/2021 05:00

This is heading in to an emotional affair op . Nip it in the bud now . The way they are slipping partners being boring in to conversations means they are hinting at affair

Original poster

Staroriginal · 07/10/2021 06:22

Oh, stop with all the snooping talk- DS was on his phone and I like to keep an eye as to what’s he’s doing, and this woman’s name popped up with a message. Odd, I thought, she has an unusual name so I can’t imagine there are two.

I know what you mean about moral high ground, but equally I wasn’t checking his phone on a regular basis to make sure he was behaving.

I think I feel uncomfortable because there just seems to be - not red- vaguely amber flags.

OP posts:

HarebrightCedarmoon · 07/10/2021 06:30

@peardropsonarainyday

This is heading in to an emotional affair op . Nip it in the bud now . The way they are slipping partners being boring in to conversations means they are hinting at affair

How would you suggest the OP "nips it in the bud"? It isn't her friendship and she can't control someone else's actions. If someone wants to cheat, they will cheat.

sammylady37 · 07/10/2021 06:32

Oh, stop with all the snooping talk- DS was on his phone and I like to keep an eye as to what’s he’s doing, and this woman’s name popped up with a message. Odd, I thought, she has an unusual name so I can’t imagine there are two

But you did snoop, so I’m not sure why you’re trying to gloss over it. You read back on all their messages- you’re able to state that ‘for a long time it was about…’ but now has become less so. So clearly you went back and read them all- ie you snooped.

IsabelGowdie · 07/10/2021 06:42

You could be honest then.

“DS was playing on your phone and a message came up from X. To be honest, I was a bit surprised. I’m not proud of this but I clicked on it. I had no idea that you were one to one messaging a woman so much.
“I don’t know why but it made me feel really uncomfortable. I know you would never do anything with her, but maybe we should have a chat about it?”

Bagelsandbrie · 07/10/2021 06:46

This would upset me too. Every time there’s a thread like this everyone piles on saying people can be friends blah blah etc. Yeah course they can but it’s weird to message someone who is in a serious relationship early in the morning or late at night like this. It’s developing an emotional closeness that is at risk of tipping over into more. So no it’s not okay. I would not be happy about this. I know my dh wouldn’t be either - if he went to bed and knew staying up late watching a film and messaging “Bob” from the running club he’d find that weird.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 07/10/2021 07:04

It’s developing an emotional closeness that is at risk of tipping over into more.

This. I’ve been there. It’s an unholy mess to get out of because it’s so subtle, gradual, seductive. I’d have a word. And tbh if I was using my husband’s phone and a heap of messages came through from someone I thought was an acquaintance I’d also do what the op did.

Shoxfordian · 07/10/2021 07:05

Do you trust him? Seems like you don’t. Reading his messages is not ok; I’d be very annoyed if my husband decided to read through mine

Thatsplentyjack · 07/10/2021 07:08

Well I can guarantee he has the nbers of the men in the club and I would put good money on him not texting them like this, so yes, it would make me uncomfortable.

Dery · 07/10/2021 07:28

“Star, you are not overreacting. Your H is secretly developing emotional closeness with a woman he’s never mentioned.

They have been interacting at the hobby, and have now moved into regular private messaging. Whereas their initial chat was related to the sport, the dynamic is now infused with more emotional energy. They are in each other’s heads first thing in the morning and late at night, and are carving out space to build a connection. They are now sharing information about their personal lives and are bonding over films, etc.

Of further concern are the ‘old, boring partners who fall asleep’ remarks. Besides the obvious disrespect, they are making comparisons. In others words, ‘Your P is boring but I’m not/My P is boring but you’re not/Our Ps are boring but we’re not. This sort of criticism/comparison is commonly made during the slippery slope into emotional affair territory.”

This with bells on. And as another PP said, it’s a fair bet he isn’t texting any of the blokes in this way.

girlmom21 · 07/10/2021 07:48

The comments about the old/boring partners - are they specifically talking about their partners?

FrazzledY9Parent · 07/10/2021 07:54

@IsabelGowdie

You could be honest then.

“DS was playing on your phone and a message came up from X. To be honest, I was a bit surprised. I’m not proud of this but I clicked on it. I had no idea that you were one to one messaging a woman so much.
“I don’t know why but it made me feel really uncomfortable. I know you would never do anything with her, but maybe we should have a chat about it?”

This seems like a good approach. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

I am single and I would not have this sort of chat with a married man - to my mind it's crossing the line into intimacy.

thesearelaughterlines · 07/10/2021 07:56

@IsabelGowdie

You could be honest then.

“DS was playing on your phone and a message came up from X. To be honest, I was a bit surprised. I’m not proud of this but I clicked on it. I had no idea that you were one to one messaging a woman so much.
“I don’t know why but it made me feel really uncomfortable. I know you would never do anything with her, but maybe we should have a chat about it?”

This is a perfect conversation starter !

I would not be comfortable with this at all
Spidey senses are on point

MsDogLady · 07/10/2021 07:59

It appears that your H is choosing to cross boundaries.

Staroriginal, in my opinion, when the elements are taken together, the flags are red. I see an escalation in the building of intimacy, as I pointed out earlier. Even the timing of their chats is saying, “The coast is clear…let’s cozy-up!” When you add in the comments that mock and marginalize the partners, I believe this is headed in a dangerous direction.

It would be unwise to underreact here.

Buildingthefuture · 07/10/2021 08:16

Strong relationships are about communication. So, if he’s doing something you are uncomfortable with then it’s absolutely right you should discuss that with him. And I do not believe that you were snooping or have in any way “lost the moral high ground”. You were on his phone (which is normal for you) and a message popped up from a woman you have never heard of. Of course you would look to see who she was and what was what. I would have done exactly the same and not felt a single iota of guilt! Discuss it with him NOW before you either get yourself in a spin, imagining all kinds of things which really aren’t happening……OR…..he heads further down a path which could be damaging for your marriage xx

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 07/10/2021 08:19

I agree

Iwannabeadog · 07/10/2021 08:26

I had a similar issue with a running club friend. I did do some looking at the messages and in the end confessed my worries to DH. He admitted that, although there was nothing going on at all, he would have felt uncomfortable if I was messaging a male friend so frequently. He backed away from the 1-1 messaging and they do still message but in a group chat. I felt a bit silly and insecure but I am glad I brought it up as it was resolved pretty easily. Maybe worth a try?

SirChenjins · 07/10/2021 08:27

I agree with the others who have said this probably needs a bit of a chat - and then a bit of a watch to make sure it doesn't escalate into a 'you'll never guess what Staroriginal has just said to me! Our relationship isn't what she thinks it is - is it?' type conversation . If you get a sense that something's up then it usually is - and the secret emotional intimacy would bother me.

Have you met the woman?