Same old story- DH texting sport ‘friend’

[Staroriginal]

Sooo, DH has a hobby that he enjoys that I don’t take part in - or much interest. It’s a sport related thing and he takes part in it in an organised club on a regular basis.
It appears he has struck up a friendship with a woman in this club who I have recently discovered he messages with on a regular basis-think early mornings/late at night, often when I’m in bed. It used to be sport related chat, but now is more general, a lot about shared film watching.
I’m starting to feel uncomfortable about this. I’m not a cool wife, but equally not fussed about friendships of either sex. But this woman had an affair with someone in the club, and the conversations with DH occasionally refer to partners being ‘old’ or ‘boring’ for falling asleep, and there’s a definite ‘let’s have a special chat about this film we’re both watching’ vibe. Added to this he has never mentioned her to me, and certainly never in the context of chatting or friendship.
I dunno, am I reading too much into nothing? I can’t decide if I should have a chat with him. I suppose I should regardless, if I feel uncomfortable, but there’s no real reason why I feel this way. I don’t think! And yes, I have sneaked phone looks- he doesn’t know this!

You are right to be on your guard OP. Easier to head it off at the pass now than intervene later on.

@sammylady37

Oh, stop with all the snooping talk- DS was on his phone and I like to keep an eye as to what’s he’s doing, and this woman’s name popped up with a message. Odd, I thought, she has an unusual name so I can’t imagine there are two

But you did snoop, so I’m not sure why you’re trying to gloss over it. You read back on all their messages- you’re able to state that ‘for a long time it was about…’ but now has become less so. So clearly you went back and read them all- ie you snooped.

So what if she did snoop, her spidey senses were going off and she had a look, so what? Now she knows that her DH is tipping into EA territory she can have a conversation with him.

Sorry but cheating and EAs are worse crimes than snooping on a phone

Thank you all; lots of good, level-headed advice here.

I do think the whole ‘snooping’ thing is a red herring and really not the point. And I do think the messaging is an issue and is moving towards EA territory. My DH is generally a lovely chap and possibly doesn’t realise, or maybe he does- I suppose that’s the conversation we need to have.
I’m leaving for work now so will check in later.

Ah hes your husband, you need to and should be able to a chat with him.

Sometimes all of us need to be reminded or remind ourselves that those who play with fire, tend to get burned.

Those who think it's ok to text other people's husbands with an emotional attachment on a regular basis need to cop themselves on if they think it's totally innocent on both sides.

Hi OP,

Yeah I would be a bit concerned about this too. I can see why you are worried. The fact that she has already had an affair with one of the other men would make me anxious too - we don’t know her and it may have been a one off that she regrets etc etc but, equally, we don’t know her and she might have form for this kind of thing.

Speak to him and ask him. Tell him the truth that her name came up when your DC was playing on her phone. Tell him how it made you feel.

Hopefully he will understand why it makes you uneasy.

Oh wow I'd skim read the OP. So she has already had one affair - yeah I'd be very concerned.

Ah, all the cool people are out today - claiming there is nothing wrong with a woman who has previously had affairs having private late night chats with a married man during which she tells him her partner is old and boring. Ok then.
What if it was a man your DH was chatting with, these cool people say? Why make such a fuss just because it’s a woman? There’s no difference at all these days between women and men, we’re all exactly the same!! Righty-ho.
OP it may be just a friendship but it’s a little disrespectful to your relationship so you’re right to be concerned imo. I would certainly mention that you’ve seen the messages but rather than saying “you shouldn’t be doing this,” try saying “it makes me feel concerned because I find you attractive and therefore assume other women do too” and see what his reaction is. Resist the temptation to go in all guns blazing but have a little look in general at how things are going between you.

This is exactly how emotional affairs start. He may be slipping into that territory, or he may not but he’s definitely in the danger zone and may not even realise it because to him it seems so innocent. Did he refer to you as ‘old and boring’? That, alongside the fact that he has not mentioned this friendship to you at all, has my alarm bells going off loud and clear.

If he sees her at the club, why the need to text chat?

I'd mention that the message popped up while you were supervising son on phone - I presume a preview showed first sentence perhaps? And suggest he ought to be careful his name isn't being linked to her as her affair with x is still the talk of the neighbourhood.

Many is the person who wish they had snooped because they ended up totally blindsided. I can only presume those who go on about snooping have never been crapped on from a great height. If you’ve got nothing to hide then it’s no big deal and I tend to find people only snoop if other things aren't quite right or like the OP they spy a message that alerts their gut instinct. Having been on the receiving end of an emotional affair where the alert for me was our phone bills were full of texting to a particular number — I wish I had kept quiet at that point and snooped.

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy

It wouldn’t bother me other than:

But this woman had an affair with someone in the club, and the conversations with DH occasionally refer to partners being ‘old’ or ‘boring’ for falling asleep

100% this. I’d be less than impressed for sure.

*So what if she did snoop, her spidey senses were going off and she had a look, so what? Now she knows that her DH is tipping into EA territory she can have a conversation with him.

Sorry but cheating and EAs are worse crimes than snooping on a phone*

I guess it all depends on your values. For me, the end doesn’t necessarily justify the means, nor do two wrongs make a right. I value my privacy highly and invasion of privacy is a red line issue for me. It isn’t for everyone, I acknowledge that, but it is for me. Each to their own.

Read the opening chapter of Not Just Friends. It explains how we need to establish and then make conscious choices to protect whatever boundaries of the relationship we have agreed to. Most people slide into emotional affairs with friends or colleagues and never ever intended to.

I agree with this:

" Many is the person who wish they had snooped because they ended up totally blindsided. I can only presume those who go on about snooping have never been crapped on from a great height. If you’ve got nothing to hide then it’s no big deal and I tend to find people only snoop if other things aren't quite right or like the OP they spy a message that alerts their gut instinct. "

I also think it's pretty naive to assume you'd actually know if your partner was cheating so wouldn't need to snoop.

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck….

You can easily send out the feelers here.
“I saw a text message on your phone when DS was playing with it. Who was it? …. Oh you’ve never mentioned her before. Do you chat often?” And go from there. I’d be pretty incensed about my DH calling me old or boring though. That’s not respectful.

OP I'm a single woman and I would never be messaging a married man while his wife was asleep next to him, and cracking jokes about how spouses are old and boring. Especially if I had a history of having sex with married men.

The snooping is a red herring, you're right. He is only messaging her when you are asleep/not around and hasn't mentioned her to you at all. I wouldn't be comfortable with this.

Sorry OP.! In my experience women can be close friends with men but not vice versa.

Every straight close friendship I’ve had with a man has ended with him coming on to me. Goddess I am emphatically not!
I only have gay guys as male besties now for this reason!

There’s some scientific evidence suggesting this is because men are hard wired to strike up friendships only with women they find attractive.

www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends/

Others will disagree but I think this needs nipping in the bud.

Anyone know of a younger guy suddenly taking up messaging/texting with a new female friend who was in her 60s or one who wasn’t at least kind of ‘his type’ — I don’t.

Early morning / late night texts with the old "boring" partner bit casually chucked in.

From a woman who has past form. Wouldn't like that one bit.
Speak to hubby.

Good to hear you’re not a ‘cool wife’ OP. You need to speak to him, lay out your boundaries, other than that there isn’t much you can do. If it’s dodgy he’ll put a different passcode on his phone or get a burner phone.
Listen to your gut.

There’s some scientific evidence suggesting this is because men are hard wired to strike up friendships only with women they find attractive.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone I thought acted this way. Why would you? It would be exhausting.

Would he be happy if you were on your phone early morning and night time with another man having chats. I would not be happy with this at all especially since she had an affair with a man in the club. It would be different if you knew her and had met her but you haven't. They have crossed a line as not just messaging about cycling and the club but spending time chatting about other stuff. He should be spending this time with you and doing fun things together. Am sure he sees enough of her at the club and should not carry this home. I would say something and see how his reaction is. If he has nothing to hide then he will not be on the defensive. Go with your gut and nip it in the bud now.

Op, trust your instincts. If it doesn't feel right to you, then it's not right. Speak to him and tell him you're uncomfortable - he really should stop messaging her as your feelings should mean a lot more to him than being able to message her.

Trust your instincts and act on them.Don't be the last one to know just how" friendly" your husband has become with this women,trust me, she won't be thinking about you .