Managing finances with different earning amounts

[Willtherebeoctobersnow]

Difficult one. I don’t earn a ‘low’ salary by any means, just over £40,000, so above average. However, DH is on more - just over £70,000.

We have a brilliant joint income, therefore, but somehow I never have any money, and it both depresses and humiliates me a bit.

I take home just under £2400 and our joint costs are around £3000, so in theory I have about £800 for me. The problem is that once I’ve paid all of my things off, I’ve hardly any left, so have to rely far too heavily on DH.

Some of this is because I’ve only recently returned to work and so I’ve accumulated some debt which needs paying off, but just the same, wondering how best to manage this.

I’m not. I asked how best to make it fair and everyone just started telling me off for getting into debt in the first place!

OP - in fairness many people are trying to help you. Your original post is titled 'managing finances' there is no indication there that it's relationship advice in specific you are after and sounds more like it's about managing finances in a relationship

What part of this do you want relationship advice on that doesn't involved your finances or how you both split them?

At the end of the day you need to have a chat with your DH about this and come to an agreement together. People are trying to tell you it's not fair for you to have racked up debt while on maternity leave if paying beyond your means and your partner getting more

There are various ways couples split income and people are posting here to tell you that - which may give you an idea on what could work best for you.

You're being very defensive and shutting out details here and you won't get the advice you are after if this is what you continue to do

Fair enough.

What you have typed and what you explain seem at odds with each other, I can't follow what youare asking, what you need, what you do and do not do. So can't actually help you.

Given that, I'll stop annoying you. I'll leave you to it. I hope you find a solution.

I’m sorry if you feel I haven’t been clear. I was wondering how best to go about making it fair - some have suggested 60/40 and some have suggested a proportion of our incomes.

You’re not annoying me at all Samphire but I am really confused with what you’re suggesting. I think if someone asked me to summarise your posts I couldn’t as I genuinely can’t understand you or I think you me!

@Willtherebeoctobersnow

I’m not. I asked how best to make it fair and everyone just started telling me off for getting into debt in the first place!

OP, that is simply not the case. People were trying to understand how the debt occurred when it appears it was used to pay for joint things

Many, many people have given you advice on how to rebalance and make it fair and for some completely unknown reason, you won't consider it, despite that being your op

You say you asked about relationship advice but, with respect, you posted about a financial situation and listed 'joint outgoings' so people have given advice based on that

The general consensus isn't to continue as you are, but to have a simple conversation about your joint costs, differences in salary and how to rebalance.

I honestly think proportional to your take home pay is worth considering.

My concern about the debt is if it's been incurred because you took a hit whilst on mat leave which is completely unfair. If it's because you can't afford the standard of living in terms of mortgage, council tax, utility bills on a house that can't afford that is also unfair.

If you are no longer working full time to take care of if your joint DC then he needs to compensate £ for that too as it's saving him nursery fees that he would otherwise pay towards.

It's sad that you are married, have DC, yet financially you are struggling and he isn't. I hope you resolve it.

@Willtherebeoctobersnow

I don’t want advice on my finances Vivienne. You pulling snippy faces at me won’t change that. It depends whether people want to be helpful or just to tell me I’m doing life all wrong. I don’t think I am. I used CCs when my income drastically reduced.

I think the consensus is just to keep things as they are and that’s fair enough.

I really don't think that the consensus is to keep things as they are.

This is both a money and a relationship problem. It can't be solved as just one or just the other.

The finances matter because if you have £800 a month left over and all it has to pay for is e.g. non-family holidays and some clothes then that's completely different from it having to pay for (in this case) debts you accumulated on behalf of the family and family assets (which they are, if you're married, even if you don't view them as that). £800 Vs however much more might not be "fair" in either case but in one it's grossly unfair and wholly unsustainable and in the other I might not view it as fair but it might be manageable.

In this case it's wholly unfair and clearly unsustainable and you have got to come up with an alternative, or you're going to be living in penury while your husband lives in luxury.

Where have I said ‘no I won’t consider that’? I don’t think I have - only about getting more in debt. It’s my turn for the face.

This is obviously a personal view, but I think a marriage should mean “what’s yours is mine”.. you should both be paying off the debt, and both have the same amount of “personal spending” money every month. Otherwise you risk there always being an underlying “niggle” regarding money. Me and DH are far less earners than you, but we ensure we have the same spend money each month regardless of who earns what. It was a deal breaker for me when we bought our first home together that it must be equal. I really hope you sort it OP, best of luck ❤️

One more time - simply

1. Every couple finds their own route to financial fairness

• this usually involves a simple conversation
• you have ignored this suggestion repeatedly

1. You identify that you pay 50:50 or more, depending on what asset /cost it is you are talking about.

• that has worried some because you seem to have said you pay for a house that you don't live in because it it 'yours'
• so some have advised that unless you have a legal document that withholds that property from the family pot, it is half his too.

1. You say you have debts that are your alone, debts built up buying things for your child, yourself, that house, your car, existing debts etc.

• some point out that those debts are family debts and as your DH has money he should pay them off now. That you should never have been in a position to rack up those debts.
• you insist that they are your debts...

1. You want us to tell you what % split would be reasonable but from only the word syou typed, many repsonses identify the inequity in your financial affairs seems to go beyond a bills split

• you insist you need to be fair to him, seemingly at cost to yourself
• many here have lived through financial abuse and are trying to understand your situation and give you their best advice

1. Are you afraid to bring this up with him?

@Willtherebeoctobersnow

Where have I said ‘no I won’t consider that’? I don’t think I have - only about getting more in debt. It’s my turn for the face.

I don't want advice on my finances ... The consensus is to continue' along with the fact that you haven't really a knowledge all of these suggestions would suggest you won't consider it.

That's fine but why post and ask how to make it fairer if everyone is telling you it's not currently fair and then suggesting ways to make it fairer?

I’ve answered that twice Samphire.

Fucking hell, I’m fed up with this place. Im desperate for help and I just get numbered posts about how I’ve posted all wrong and done it all wrong and should just speak to DP.

I wish you could just delete threads.

You can. Report it using the link in the blue bar at the top of your posts.

Ask MNHQ to delete it because...

Well that’s just it, won’t they? They don’t do deletions because one poster takes over and dominates the whole thread.

OP please don't be like that
I don't read anyone as berating you the way you feel you are. Many are giving very good helpful ideas but it seems you are completely shutting down everything which is making some confusion on what it is you actually want

Do you want suggestions on how others split finances so you can talk to your DH about it and decide what works best for you?
Or do you want 'relationship advice' and if so what specific aspect of the relationship do you want advice on?

Im not trying to be ‘like’ anything. I just don’t really appreciate five fucking paragraphs on top of the other how many posts about how wrong I was to ask about this.

All I wanted was ‘yeah we do 60/40’ ‘he pays 2/3s of the mortgage and I pay 1/3’ type answers. Just some ideas about what others do. And I feel really fucking stupid now.

@Willtherebeoctobersnow add your take home pay plus his take home pay.
So if you get 2500 and he gets eg 4k add them together.
2500 ÷ by 500 is 5
4k ÷ by 500 is 8
5+8 =13
Therefore you should pay
5/13 of household bills.He should pay 8/13

Debt should be a household bill imo as long as it was agreed on.

They will delete the thread if you are getting upset by it. I think the only way forward to finding a fair way to split bills and other expenses is to start with a clean slate. You can't do it if one person has a fair amount of debt to be paid off.

No one is blaming you for being in debt! But you are giving so little information and you are so defensive I'm now imagining you blew a tonne of money on designer handbags and don't want your husband to know about it.

If you won't let him "help" you pay off your debt then there's not much else we can advise.

If you do want financial advice maybe start a new thread. Posters can be really helpful if you share information with them.

Good luck 🤞

1. Every couple finds their own route to financial fairness

• this usually involves a simple conversation
• you have ignored this suggestion repeatedly

I haven’t ignored it at all. Before speaking to him I wanted some suggestions as to what others did.

1. You identify that you pay 50:50 or more, depending on what asset /cost it is you are talking about.

• that has worried some because you seem to have said you pay for a house that you don't live in because it it 'yours'
• so some have advised that unless you have a legal document that withholds that property from the family pot, it is half his too

This is where I get confused. I moved in with DP, to his house. I still have mine, it’s let out. That’s all. I don’t know why you keep bringing this up.

1. You say you have debts that are your alone, debts built up buying things for your child, yourself, that house, your car, existing debts etc.

• some point out that those debts are family debts and as your DH has money he should pay them off now. That you should never have been in a position to rack up those debts.
• you insist that they are your debts

They are my debts. I got the car 2 years ago. The credit cards built up on ML so perhaps more of an argument for them being shared debts but in any case, they are in my sole name. And ultimately I chose to spend on them.

1. You want us to tell you what % split would be reasonable but from only the word syou typed, many repsonses identify the inequity in your financial affairs seems to go beyond a bills split

• you insist you need to be fair to him, seemingly at cost to yourself
• many here have lived through financial abuse and are trying to understand your situation and give you their best advice

Yes I know but I’m not living with financial abuse.

1. Ive answered. And you know what is quite abusive is repeatedly asking someone a question they’ve already answered.

No I haven’t blown it on designer handbags.

What the fuck is wrong with people here?

If you consider a poster is being unhelpful, then constantly replying to themn isn't going to stop them replying.
You have ignored plenty of other helpful posts in order to dominate the thread in conjunction with some other posters. (For what it's worth i think there are a range of useful input from all the posts)
Whatever your and their motivations, i suggest you start searching through the thread for posters that you do consider helpful, and reply to them instead.
Good luck.

@Willtherebeoctobersnow ignore them op.
My dd went through a similar thing because she didn't know how to tackle it.
I worked out the percentages for her and her lovely dp genuinely hadn't realised the disparity.

The car should be a joint debt imo if you need it to drive your dc around.

Thank you and you are right. I should ignore the goady posts but it is hard.

There are some helpful suggestions on here and I will take these on board. Thank you.