Managing finances with different earning amounts

[Willtherebeoctobersnow]

Difficult one. I don’t earn a ‘low’ salary by any means, just over £40,000, so above average. However, DH is on more - just over £70,000.

We have a brilliant joint income, therefore, but somehow I never have any money, and it both depresses and humiliates me a bit.

I take home just under £2400 and our joint costs are around £3000, so in theory I have about £800 for me. The problem is that once I’ve paid all of my things off, I’ve hardly any left, so have to rely far too heavily on DH.

Some of this is because I’ve only recently returned to work and so I’ve accumulated some debt which needs paying off, but just the same, wondering how best to manage this.

@Willtherebeoctobersnow

I had things of my own that needed laying, and plus yes things like baby classes. But I can see I’m not explaining so well here.

If you can't write it out simply (not here, for yourself) then it is probably illogical. You really do need to work through this for yourself and with him!

Pre DC DH and I contributed a proportion based on earnings. Some if one of us earned 60% of household income then that person paid 60% of the bills and joint expenses.

For me, having children is a bit of a game changer - have you and DH talked about whether you should change how you do things? Does he know you're left feeling a bit humiliated? What do you do re: expenses for your DC? Since having children we have one pot, and whatever is left after all expenses are paid is split between us. I'm the bigger earner in our house, I'd hate to think of DH having less money than me. I don't work harder than him, I just have a better paying job.

@Willtherebeoctobersnow

I get that some people just share everything but we don’t, so those answers aren’t enormously helpful.

Why don't you? You're married so your incomes, bills and debts are shared.

Why did he think it ok for you to go into debt to pay for baby classes? If you were adamantly against going into any kind of debt would he have just expected you to take your baby nowhere as you have no money of your own?

All of you who split it so you each have the same amount leftover for themselves each month ... doesn't the higher earned feel resentful that the lower earned gets the same as them?

I have a few hundred spare to myself and DH has probably £2k spare to himself each month. He furthered his career and made more money than me, whereas I didn't. So does he not 'deserve' more money than me?

So we both pay into joint account (which is for all bills, food, fun family times and everything for DD) so that we both have the same amount of personal spending left (about £700 each atm). Personal spending covers whatever we want for me it's phone, car, gifts, clothes, trips out with friends etc.

During mat leave we had it that we'd still both have £700 each spending money - some months I didn't bring that much home & I topped up out of savings so I wasn't short.

Normally I'd say debt needs to come out of your personal spending ie if you need to borrow to buy a nice expensive car you should pay for that. BUT if your debt is because you weren't really equitable during mat leave and you had to borrow to afford basic things and/or stuff for DC then you need to sit down with him and work out a way to address that separately (ie pay off the debt from joint funds) then you can agree how you manage your finances fairly going forward.

I’m completely confused about what you mean Samphire. I’m sorry and I’m honestly not trying to be in any way awkward but I really cannot understand a lot of these posts. We earn different amounts. That’s all really. So both paying identical amounts towards the mortgage might be unfair as it leaves him with more money than me, but maybe it isn’t.

For example I'd say:

We have always had our own bank accounts because he works away a lot, has expenses he claims back from his employer, and it saves either of us leaving the other without cash.

But I have access to his account, legally, and I clear out his account down to the agreed monthly limit, pay into the joint account for bills and share any money we have left over between 2 savings accounts. So we don't have limits, shares, dibs, etc. We just spend what we need and save anything that's left over, pennies or pounds.

We have regular conversations about it too.

Yes, I think baby classes should have come out of joint funds. You shouldn't be expected to get into debt for that!

@noshiforever

All of you who split it so you each have the same amount leftover for themselves each month ... doesn't the higher earned feel resentful that the lower earned gets the same as them?

I have a few hundred spare to myself and DH has probably £2k spare to himself each month. He furthered his career and made more money than me, whereas I didn't. So does he not 'deserve' more money than me?

Fuck no. Might as well say if your partner is a teacher/ social worker / nurse /policemen they just don’t have the same value as a human as you do because you got a big job in the city. You partner with someone because they are a person who you care for. I would resent paying for a partner who worked part time cos they felt like it, and I wouldn’t go into a relationship with someone who didn’t work hard, but there is a serious income divide between different professions and that has jo connections with whether they are important jobs that need good dedicated people who also work very hard and thinking your partner should be worse off than you for having made that career choice is such a shitty shitty way to think. We would all be pretty screwed if there were no teachers or nurses, and the stress and serious emotional drain on my social worker friend is so much higher than I have in my job, but I get paid much more.

I worry about that too @noshiforever

@Willtherebeoctobersnow

I’m completely confused about what you mean Samphire. I’m sorry and I’m honestly not trying to be in any way awkward but I really cannot understand a lot of these posts. We earn different amounts. That’s all really. So both paying identical amounts towards the mortgage might be unfair as it leaves him with more money than me, but maybe it isn’t.

I think yu can see the inequity then.

I mean that the money is family money regardless of who earned it especially now you have a child, and you are on ML.

So you shuoldn't have any debt, it should have been covered before it became a debt by family money. You shouldn't feel the need to cover expenses that he doesn't contribute to. That's what marriage is, you both said the words of the binding legal contract - with all my worldly goods I thee endow - or their equivalent!

No need for identical amounts, that's what causes the inequity, expecially when having a child is part of the reason for you not earning as much!

Also, @noshiforever your dh sounds like an entitled twat. Why is he with you if he thinks he’s so much more important and special than you because he has a Big Job?

@Willtherebeoctobersnow

I worry about that too *@noshiforever*

Interesting point to discuss here I feel! Intrigued to hear what others say

@noshiforever

All of you who split it so you each have the same amount leftover for themselves each month ... doesn't the higher earned feel resentful that the lower earned gets the same as them?

I have a few hundred spare to myself and DH has probably £2k spare to himself each month. He furthered his career and made more money than me, whereas I didn't. So does he not 'deserve' more money than me?

If DH ever said anything close to that we would be sitting down for the longest and most intense discussion imagineable!

WE earn, WE support each other, WE work as a unit.

WE earn money, We spend money, WE save money.

Neither of us deserves more or less than the other. At different points of any month we each spend more or less than the other. But we don't keep track of it, score financial points!

The only thing we do the same is save - equal savings, equal private pension payments etc.

I don't get the thought process that resents a life partner over cash.

@Willtherebeoctobersnow

I had things of my own that needed laying, and plus yes things like baby classes. But I can see I’m not explaining so well here.

What were the “things of your own” that needed paying?

You shouldn’t be in debt on your salaries, even during mat leave. So the likelihood is that either your DH was a lot less generous than you’ve made him sound and left you to flounder, or you’ve not managed your money very well.

You need to have a chat with DH about this
Lay everything out - does he know about the debt you are in and why you have gotten into that? As others have said if you are married that's a joint debt so he is responsible. As well as the fact that if it was accrued during your mat leave your DH should have been helping cover those costs.

The percentage thing sounds like it may be best for you if you don't feel comfortable both having the same spending left over. It's not a bad thing to feel that way or not feel fair to have more than your DH if he earns more imo. As long as your bills are paid and costs covered then split the rest how you both feel comfortable doing it! However I'd strongly suggest adding your debt into the payments your DH covers as ultimately it's his debt now too

@noshiforever

All of you who split it so you each have the same amount leftover for themselves each month ... doesn't the higher earned feel resentful that the lower earned gets the same as them?

I have a few hundred spare to myself and DH has probably £2k spare to himself each month. He furthered his career and made more money than me, whereas I didn't. So does he not 'deserve' more money than me?

Nope, I'm the higher earner- similar amounts to OP but roles reversed. We get paid into the same account and everything comes out of that account; no resentment. We discuss big purchases and both have separate accounts with a few hundred in where we buy each other presents etc.

I genuinely can't imagine it not being that way.

@timeisnotaline

Also, *@noshiforever* your dh sounds like an entitled twat. Why is he with you if he thinks he’s so much more important and special than you because he has a Big Job?

I don't think he thinks he's more important or special necessarily.

I do feel hard done by and resentful sometimes but at the same time also feel it's up to me to earn more if I want to spend more.

Having kids has limited my ability to do that so that does make me feel resentful, as it hasn't limited his ability to earn well.

So both paying identical amounts towards the mortgage might be unfair as it leaves him with more money than me, but maybe it isn’t.

When I was married I earned more than my wife and paid more, probably a 60/40 split for every £100 into a joint account, from which we paid mortgage, energy bills etc, so both people pay but the higher earner pays more, seemed to work for us

My Oh earns significantly more than I do, it's £50k to £20k. We started by splitting bills 60/40 which worked for a bit. Now we both pay into a joint account. All bills come out of the joint account as do savings. We have a separate account for groceries and petrol and we each get a fixed amount of spending money in our personal accounts for personal use. Any big ticket items are agreed jointly. Any costs for the kids comes from the joint account. It works for us and feels fair. We both have a good quality of life and no money arguments.

If you want to continue with each person having their 'own' money, he needs to pay you at least half what he would have to pay a nanny, plus something to cover the damage to your pension and your future earning capacity.

OR he could understand that you are now a team and you share equally the pleasures and responsibilities of your life together.

This baby is not a little treat for you - it's a child that you both have responsibility for. He already has an advantage by being male.

I don't think it's fair you have a worse deal /built up debts because you gave birth. Are you splitting the childcare etc or is your DH going to be free to build up his career?
If you're not keen to split everything so you have equal amounts to spend then the solution @MilduraS offered is the best.

Who pays the childcare bill?

Unless one partner is horrendous with money, it seems ridiculous to have one person in debt and one sitting pretty with savings.

@noshiforever

All of you who split it so you each have the same amount leftover for themselves each month ... doesn't the higher earned feel resentful that the lower earned gets the same as them?

I have a few hundred spare to myself and DH has probably £2k spare to himself each month. He furthered his career and made more money than me, whereas I didn't. So does he not 'deserve' more money than me?

I don't work at all - I'm a SAHM, purely because of DH's job. He earns an extraordinary amount of money, and obviously I earn nothing. Does that mean I don't deserve anything? That I shouldn't have a car as nice as his? That I shouldn't have nights out or excursions with friends? A nice coat or a decent pair of boots? He is able to earn the money he does BECAUSE I don't go to work. My sacrifices are worthy as well.