Managing finances with different earning amounts

[Willtherebeoctobersnow]

Difficult one. I don’t earn a ‘low’ salary by any means, just over £40,000, so above average. However, DH is on more - just over £70,000.

We have a brilliant joint income, therefore, but somehow I never have any money, and it both depresses and humiliates me a bit.

I take home just under £2400 and our joint costs are around £3000, so in theory I have about £800 for me. The problem is that once I’ve paid all of my things off, I’ve hardly any left, so have to rely far too heavily on DH.

Some of this is because I’ve only recently returned to work and so I’ve accumulated some debt which needs paying off, but just the same, wondering how best to manage this.

If it's from maternity leave, he should be helping you pay off that debt because it's shared expense.

We don’t split anything individual.

I’m not doing baby classes now am back at work.

Is that £750 total debt or £750 per month repayment?

I think you need to go through your outgoings line by line. Either you have been paying for stuff that should be counted as joint expenses, or you are both living beyond your means, or you are too spendy.

Can you break down your finances for us?

I’d rather not, to be honest. For me, I am paying back a car (£270) and credit cards (four in total, debt coming to £2000) and then I have my phone. Then my own car insurance, home insurance etc.

Why aren't the cars a family cost, why isn't the house insurance

My car and my house. Why the face?

So how much debt repayment is that per month. Why have you run up all that credit card debt.

Reduced income mostly. But with respect I wasn’t really posting for financial advice.

@Willtherebeoctobersnow

My car and my house. Why the face?

You are married. Unless you ring fenced the house in a legal agreement then it is half his house, half his car too!

You have a LOT of debt! A car and four credit cards?? This is not about fair split of expenses, it's about the fact that you lived beyond your means and now you're paying for it.

It might be worthwhile looking at a consolidation loan if you are paying interest on your CCs.

It sounds like you have been burying your head in the sand.

I think that acquiring more debt would be very silly but since it’s just turned onto a criticism of my finances then fair enough. I’ll keep things as they are.

Honestly there are a thousand ways of doing it and no one wants to be bean counting with in a family but i think the money side will be very emotional in a family so i think it's worth sitting down and first discussing how you both feel about the finances, and listen to the other (and no solutions at this point just how you feel about it)
Then later you can have a few extremely brief proposals, maybe write 5 down each on small sheets of paper or post it's. Then you can get together and sort the post it's in order of preference and then have a chat about the highest ones, and then make a decision.
After that process you will both understand each others feelings a lot better and you will also have a solution that makes you both feel closer and less resentful.
Of course if either of you are sabotaging the process or too uncomfortable to join in, you might need professional help, but it will be worth it, and many workplaces have free help through their EAP scheme.
You don't have to suffer in silence, it's not good for anyone. Good luck.
For what it's worth i couldn't be bothered with fancy systems so we just combine everything and buy what we need. It seems to work for us, but not for everyone.

It is a different house Samphire and TBH this is why I didn’t really want to get into finances. It’s relationship advice I am after. If I pay half of everything and so does he fair enough.

In general, I don’t think it’s fair that you’re racking up debt whilst on maternity leave whilst he’s on a good salary.
The only exception to this is if you are particularly bad with money and make lots of unnecessary purchases on credit cards that he doesn’t want to fund.
So I think it depends on whether the debt is general household spending, or whether it’s unnecessary crap.

Of course its a financial problem if you are left with nothing at the end of the month. What other kind of problem can it posdibly be.

If he has the money to get rid of the credit card debt (run up when you were on maternity leave) I would pay that off.

The problem with a public forum is that you get so many different answer, what matters is what is right for you and your husband.
No way is better than any other way.

This current split of finances when was this agreed and what conversation did you have around it?
Do you feel you could have another conversation with him?

When I lived with my husband (now ex) we had joint accounts and everything was shared but he was a spendaholic and ran up debt so we got our own accounts and split the bills, I wanted a percentage split as I earned less, he wanted 50/50 (of course he did as he liked spending and had debts to pay back) so we did 50/50.
5 years later he got poorly and worked part time while I was full time, he asked about percentage split and I refused. Whats good for the goose is good for the gander.

I don’t want advice on my finances Vivienne. You pulling snippy faces at me won’t change that. It depends whether people want to be helpful or just to tell me I’m doing life all wrong. I don’t think I am. I used CCs when my income drastically reduced.

I think the consensus is just to keep things as they are and that’s fair enough.

Because you are married so unless some it is entirely ringfenced everything is marital asset and debt.

I wouldn't see my DH in debt and struggling whilst I was fine.

If your reduced income was whilst you were maternity leave that's a shared cost because you were caring for a joint child.

@Willtherebeoctobersnow

It is a different house Samphire and TBH this is why I didn’t really want to get into finances. It’s relationship advice I am after. If I pay half of everything and so does he fair enough.

Wel we can't give you advice if you are talking about one thing and we think it is another.

And regardless of where that house is, you are married. Without a legal document that says otherwise, it is half his!

The ONLY advice you need to take from here is that you are living in a manner that is inequitable and you need to sit down and talk it through with yoru DH. That will save you as an individual and you as a family from debt!

I think the consensus is just to keep things as they are and that’s fair enough. You are translating the responses through a lens of your own devising there.

PLEASE have a rethink. It sounds as though you are finding the inequity hard to describe, hard to live with and hard to eradicate. That will grow to be untenable and it must hurt!

Keeping things are they are will suit him but not you in the long run.

Are you actually afraid of his reaction if you were to raise the subject of finances?.

Not in the slightest. I just want to be fair and I don’t want him to have to pay towards my debt, which is why I didn’t really want to get into finances.

The point is that we have different incomes but are paying in the same. That’s obviously making life a bit difficult.

I think regardless of what each individual earns, a couple should have equal spending money.

You should be a team and all money should be shared. How is it fair for one of you to be able to go out and buy, say, new clothes or whatever without even thinking and the other can't?

You are trying to circle a square there.

You can't be that you consider fair to him wothout takingon a bag laod of debt yourself. You have proven that. Keep on as you are and you will incur more.

As AttilaTheMeerkat asked, are you scared to raise this with him?

Because from here your remedy seems quite simple, a quick conversation about financial balance, maybe a change in accounts, % of bills etc paid and that's it. Yet you are rejecting that!