Managing finances with different earning amounts

[Willtherebeoctobersnow]

Difficult one. I don’t earn a ‘low’ salary by any means, just over £40,000, so above average. However, DH is on more - just over £70,000.

We have a brilliant joint income, therefore, but somehow I never have any money, and it both depresses and humiliates me a bit.

I take home just under £2400 and our joint costs are around £3000, so in theory I have about £800 for me. The problem is that once I’ve paid all of my things off, I’ve hardly any left, so have to rely far too heavily on DH.

Some of this is because I’ve only recently returned to work and so I’ve accumulated some debt which needs paying off, but just the same, wondering how best to manage this.

Having kids has limited my ability to do that so that does make me feel resentful, as it hasn't limited his ability to earn well. So, in your head, your marriage, the financial burden of kids is yours to bear the brunt of?

I don't get it, honestly. You say you resent that, but you also say he would resent giving you more money towards his kids, your marriage. And you accept that his resentment is 'more right' than yours?

We earn the same salaries as you but reversed, our outgoings are similar to yours. We’re currently paying 50:50 for outgoings but that’s only because I’ve just started mat leave and need to save to fund that. Once I go back to work I’ll be expecting to pay more than him, proportionately to my salary. That’s the only way that seems fair to me. But the caveat to that will be that we both agree a set amount to put into savings each month, I’m good at putting savings aside from my disposable and I don’t want that to diminish.

@noshiforever so it’s not only your career choice but having had his kids impacting your earnings? And he still feels like what he earns is his? Not surprised you resent him, he gets to enjoy his children and not take a career hit, and hasn’t even thought that maybe he shouldn’t penalise you in the family finances for you having contributed more than him on the parenting side. I just think that’s a really shit attitude to have and if I meet people who have that decide that they might be successful and charming but fundamentally they are an a grade asshole who doesn’t deserve their beautiful kids or loving partner.
I’d have a couple grand more than my dh if we did that once we averaged out my bonus as well. I wouldn’t dream of thinking my choosing a higher earning profession makes me worth more than him. It’s money, we both work hard and we are married with kids so we share what we earn.

We just have some bills each that are pretty equal. Then we both just as hoc the rest of it. I save a portion of my wage and he saves a portion of his. We spend whatever and then the leftovers each month go into savings to. If I don't have the
Money for something then he pays and vice versa.

I'm not sure if my perspective is helpful OP but I'm the DH in your scenario. I earn nearly twice as much as my DH and we keep separate finances, which I don't think is as uncommon as others think.

The way we manage:

-once or twice a year we will update a spreadsheet we have (yes, we both work with data) which outlines all our monthly outgoings. It also includes one offs such as car tax, MOT, insurances etc. Also things like petrol and nursery fees

-we note the total outgoings required vs our joint income. We also note who pays for what. Eg I pay the entire mortgage and council tax which is pretty much DHs net income. We split nursery down the middle.

-This actually leaves DH with a little more than me but I don't save anything and he puts money in our joint savings each month. The savings are the only thing in joint names which I have access to.

-we like to keep our finances separate and it works that he saves and I don't as I tend to buy things like clothes, classes (even DHs clothes) and any odd household purchases.

-there is full transparency and we both feel this is fair. But it was only when we sat down and put all our outgoings together that we were able to see what was 'fair'

During my maternity leave we planned how much extra we would need and dipped into savings DH had build up for us as we knew our outgoings would remain unchanged and perhaps go up.

I suggest sitting down and working it all through together would be a good start.

To me the problem sounds like you are bad at managing your money. I have no idea how someone cannot live on £800 per month after bills??

If you are running up debt does that mean you are living beyond your means?

Some people seem to be missing the point of marriage - which is all about union and being as one unit. By all means have your separate lives if not married, but once married all you have becomes each others legally, which is the point of it.
If anyone gets resentful about being the higher earner, well they haven't got what marriage is about really, same for those striving to keep finances separate - just makes no sense, that's the point of having a DH or a DW, rather than a DP.

If you don't want to put all the money in a family pot and equally share what's left, I would suggest:

Working out all annual family costs, bills, housing, childcare and child related expenses, cars, gifts, holidays, savings etc. Then paying a monthly amount each towards those in proportion to your salary. After any, the money you have left each is for yourselves. You might pay your debts out of this, or out of the family pot depending on what you agree on.

He will pay more, but will likely also have more spending money left over than you. If you want to do it this way, then you will have to accept that you have less spending money than him. I would not count child expenses such as baby clubs as your expense however. That is a family cost as it's his baby too.

You will have the spending money of someone who earns 40,000, not that of someone with a joint income of 100,000. But you will benefit from his higher salary in terms of housing etc.

@MostlyCloudy

I don’t understand? All family money is one pot. Add together what comes in, pay the bills, save some, each have the same amount of personal spending money, what’s the issue?

What a silly response. You can’t really think everyone handles their money as you do and there are no other options?

@premium77

To me the problem sounds like you are bad at managing your money. I have no idea how someone cannot live on £800 per month after bills??

If you are running up debt does that mean you are living beyond your means?

She has a new baby. Seems to be paying for all of it's needs as well as her own out of that amount!; she has debt from doing so and is not yet back at work, so has been using savings.

And she isn't living beyond the family means. Unless of course you are another who thinks that married couples shouldn't equitably share finances!

I'm struggling to understand too. Are you in the uk, is English your first language. I only ask because are there some cultural differences re how you were bought up, that you wouldn't realise this is not normal?

Willtherebeoctobersnow

I would also think you feel further demeaned when you ask him to transfer funds. You indeed should not have any debt here and your DH has allowed that to happen. He enjoys this extra power and control here.

I think your DH does not want to share and regards his salary as his and his alone. You will always have financial inequality with this man because he is further going to regard all costs relating to his child as yours to bear.

@noshiforever

All of you who split it so you each have the same amount leftover for themselves each month ... doesn't the higher earned feel resentful that the lower earned gets the same as them?

I have a few hundred spare to myself and DH has probably £2k spare to himself each month. He furthered his career and made more money than me, whereas I didn't. So does he not 'deserve' more money than me?

I bring in twice what my OP brings in and in a couple of years my wage is likely to increase when his won't. I have a generous pension and he has virtually nothing on top of the state pension. I am, therefore, likely to be bringing in more money than him for the rest of our lives. I am not in the least resentful. I think in a relationship you put in what you have and take out what you need - not just in money but in all terms. He supports me in ways I don't support him because he doesn't need that sort of support. I see ourselves as a partnership so no, not resentful in the least.

If you don't work in "one pot", then pay a proportion according to how much you earn. By my calculation if you earn 40k and he earns 70k, you earn 36% if the income. So you should pay 36% of the bills. He foots the rest.

I think not sharing money jointly puts you in a really unfair position here, particularly as you have taken maternity leave and will also have your career progression affected in the longer term due to this time away from work.

I think you should give consideration to sharing money jointly.

I earn more than my DH and have just accepted a job where I will earn significantly more. After we married we consider all money to be joint money, it avoids the need for any calculations and avoids stressful situations like you are in emerging.

I earn about 60% what DH does, so we split things to that proportion. Separate accounts as thats what works for us.

We go through a spreadsheet 2-3 times a year with all our outgoings & split them accordingly. We have a shared credit card for anything DS related and again split that.

We make sure we have equal money and time left over. I had saved for my mat leave, but DH basically paid for the mortgage rather than me transfer anything like I usually would.

The thing about relationships is that a 50-50 split can be fair when you first move in together. It can even be fair after you've married ( though I can't imagine marrying someone and then allowing them to be poorer than me through my choices).

But once you've had kids it's not usually fair.

Maternity leave is a joint cost. Either it should be paid for jointly from savings or through an allowance from the still working partner.

E.g. you running a car while on maternity leave (making this example up) isn't your cost, the same as your phone isn't, or baby classes, or food. You shouldn't have to go into debt to fund your maternity leave while your partner still has money.

You can still have personal money while sharing costs fairly - just transfer it back out. And there may be things where you prioritise your money differently: maybe you'd prefer an expensive car, while your husband is happy to drive a ten year olds Yaris, but likes to spend money on camera bits. In those instances I'd advocate that you decide what level of car comes out of household funds (i e. Yaris level) and if you want a BMW you pay the extra out of personal funds. But because you both hopefully have equal personal funds you're not stuck with a Yaris and no new clothes and an ancient phone while your husband drives a new BMW and has the latest iPhone.

OP, the drop in income during your maternity is something that only impacted you for your joint child. So whilst you can argue to yourself that he deserves to keep more money to himself as he chose a higher earning career (my partner and I also contribute proportionately so he also as a bit more personal spending than I do btw), this should be irrelevant when you are on maternity. He should have paid all bills as well as personal expenses for you as you were the one whose income was severely impacted by a decision you jointly made.

If you had returned to work sooner your DH would have had to pay for nursery or certainly just share whether that be 50 or 70%.

So if you were receiving less because of being at home her should have helped out financially so you weren't worse off.

Baby classes etc are a shared cost not yours one.

Should be left with equal spending money and an agreement on what this is to cover. So hair cuts, own clothes, socialising with friends, work lunches out, hobbies and activities. Everything else is a family cost - if you run 2 cars is his newer and more expensive and you have to make do with a crap run around?

If you have reduced your working hours and now earn less your pension needs to be topped up to compensate.

The point is there is no correct way but the two of you need to agree whats fair. I don't think its fair somebody is short of money because of accrued debts on maternity leave even if you have separate finances. I don't agree with the general concept all money is family money because it really isn't. That only works if the earner allows it. At any time they can decide to have their salary transferred into a different account.

I earn triple what DP does. We share all our money because we are partners, a team. I'm not understanding why you have debts that your DH could have covered. You should have each other's backs financially as well as emotionally, and there is no way that any expense relating to children should fall on one person - the responsibility is shared and so is the cost.

Hi OP,

I earn significantly more than my DP, everytime one of our income changes we adjust how much we contribute to all livings costs. We work out the percentage based on take home pay.

So currently:

Me : £5100
DP: £1700
Total : £6800

So I pay 75% of all the bills and DP pays 25%. We believe this is fair, and has worked for us over the last few years. We don't have a separate joint account, so he just transfers the 25% to me and I pay all bills and living costs from my account.

Doing what others say about putting everything into a pot and splitting the rest 50/50 wouldn't work, my DP loves to spend money on film memorabilia, and I would get annoyed if my wages were being spent towards it.

Wtaf

These dynamics sound so unhealthy

Either you're spending more on stuff then you realise or he is being a knob

My husband works I don't and I spend more money on myself then him every month

I dont like your set up it sounds oppressive

Show him the thread if you're shy

Premium - I worry about this too. But it is primarily repayment of debt totalling around £750. That will go down of course.

What are your things that you dont split? Baby classes for example you seem to say they fall to you but what arent they split?

When we met me and DH earnt the same (I earnt slightly more) but not anymore. I had to sacrfice my career to do childcare etc and he didnt. We made that decision together and it works. I take the load of doing all of that and he doesnt

@noshiforever

Having kids has limited my ability to do that so that does make me feel resentful, as it hasn't limited his ability to earn well.

Doesnt he feel guilty that you have taken on this and he doesnt - he presumably gets the rewards of you doing childcare and housework and he still reaps the financial rewards. He is getting ALL of the benefits of this