Why does he do this? (Gaslighting??)

[LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour]

Have a pretty new boyfriend (three months). So far we have done virtually nothing together apart from a few meals out locally and a few evenings in pubs. No special meals, days out, cinema, cultural or sporting events, no meeting each other's friends or family. He has turned down quite a few suggestions I've made (concerts, exhibitions, trip away, meeting friends for a drink) and several other things we've talked about simply haven't happened.

I suggested we go to see the new Bond film, thinking this was a fairly innocuous idea and something a newish couple can do together. No, he'd rather wait until it's available online. He then said there was a new Matrix film coming out soon, so I asked, why not wait until that came out online? "Because it's more of a big screen movie."

Seriously? A Bond film isn't enough of a big screen movie to warrant going to the cinema? Is he gaslighting me?

Not sure whether this is gaslighting, but he seems selfish and boring. I would bin him.

Oh, I forgot - when I pointed out that the new Matrix movie wasn't actually out yet he said, "It isn't a race."

I don't think that's gaslighting... but he's been showing you his selfish tendencies throughout
.

No, that's not gaslighting. It's just nonsense, as is the idea of staying with a guy this dull for more than two dates.

That’s not gaslighting…he just seems to enjoy doing different things then you. Are you sure you’re a good match? If you want to make this work probably both of you have to compromise a bit or accept that some things you enjoy, you’ll have to do alone or with a friend but not with him.

That's not gaslighting. He just has a different opinion to you.

But I agree he sounds dull.

That is in no way gas lighting, what makes you think it is?

Good old wikipedia: Gaslighting is a colloquialism that is loosely defined as making someone question their reality.[1][2]

The term is also used informally to describe someone (a "gaslighter") who persistently puts forth a false narrative which leads another person (or a group of people) to doubt their own perceptions to the extent that they become disoriented and distressed.

He isn't doing any of that, he's just a bit boring and self obsessed. It's not working for you, personally I'd finish with him.

No not gaslighting he's just not into Bond.
But aren't you bored to tears?

That’s not what gaslighting is.

Does he have any financial difficulties? That’s probably what I’d assume if he’s avoiding doing stuff that costs money. If that’s not the case, then he may just not be that into you.

@Offmyfence

That is in no way gas lighting, what makes you think it is?

It's totally fine if he's not into Bond. I'm not particularly into Bond. But to give as the reason that Film X [with high production values, lots of action, thrills, tension and special effects] isn't worth seeing in the cinema, whereas Film Y [slightly different genre, but essentially action film with high production values, thrills, tension and special effects] is, is disingenous to my way of thinking and more to do with (for whatever bizarre reason) wanting to turn down my suggestion.

If I'd suggested some 4-hour indie Korean art film with subtitles and he'd come back with the new Matrix film I'd have taken it at face value.

No he is not gaslighting you here, he just sounds deathly dull.

Why are you with this man at all?. How low is your relationship bar that you've accepted this from him?.

@CheesusWept

That’s not what gaslighting is.

Does he have any financial difficulties? That’s probably what I’d assume if he’s avoiding doing stuff that costs money. If that’s not the case, then he may just not be that into you.

No financial difficulties.

Perhaps he isn't that into me, but that's not the impression he gives in other regards.

No, that's really not gaslighting

If you aren't happy, end things.

Gaslighting would be if he said 'oh...ive just had an idea, how about we go to see James bond?' (Five minutes after you had just suggested it and he said no). It's designed to make you second guess yourself and feel like you are going crazy.

It does however, sound like he is either just not that into you and wants you to know it (so still potentially an abusive sort of person). Or he is tight as fuck and doesn't want to spend money on your dates.

It’s not gaslighting….
But three months in if you are bored of hun just get rid?

I'm hoping he's very pretty because he sounds a bit of a drag.

He clearly doesn’t find the same things as you fun, you’re not going to work out.

Please don’t pin behaviour like this as abusive, it’s a massive slap in the face to women who have experience gaslighting and abuse in their relationship.

is disingenous to my way of thinking and more to do with (for whatever bizarre reason) wanting to turn down my suggestion

If this is how you think of him after 3 months, just leave. Why he behaves the way he does is none of your business, and trying to work out why people behave how they do is an endless rabbit hole that gets harder to free yourself from the worse people make you feel. Avoid it by not spending time with people who make you ask the question 'Why do they do that??' None of the people you have loving, long standing relationships make you feel like that, do they? It's not a feature of a healthy relationship.

Bond is boring and almost four hours long. Therefore hideous for cinema.

That's not gaslighting in the slightest. Annoying, sure. But he's not trying to make you doubt your own reality, nor is he denying having said/done anything. He simply expressed a preference and his argument was weak, but stop trivialising real abuse/gaslighting by seeing it everywhere.

@Queenoftheashes

Bond is boring and almost four hours long. Therefore hideous for cinema.

It sounds dreadful to be fair!

@ButterflyAway

He clearly doesn’t find the same things as you fun, you’re not going to work out.

Please don’t pin behaviour like this as abusive, it’s a massive slap in the face to women who have experience gaslighting and abuse in their relationship.

Yep, it irks me to no end when people throw around word as "abusive" "gaslishting" "toxic" to describe very minor transgressions. A slap in the face of real abuse victims indeed.

He sounds unbearably cheap, which is not gaslighting, but not good partner material either.

@someonesomewhere7

OP is asking for clarification on whether it's gaslighting, though, not saying it is gaslighting. It's good to ask, if you don't know, and it's a bit crap to call a question 'a slap in the face of real abuse victims'. And I speak as a former abuse victim myself.