Why does he do this? (Gaslighting??)

[LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour]

Have a pretty new boyfriend (three months). So far we have done virtually nothing together apart from a few meals out locally and a few evenings in pubs. No special meals, days out, cinema, cultural or sporting events, no meeting each other's friends or family. He has turned down quite a few suggestions I've made (concerts, exhibitions, trip away, meeting friends for a drink) and several other things we've talked about simply haven't happened.

I suggested we go to see the new Bond film, thinking this was a fairly innocuous idea and something a newish couple can do together. No, he'd rather wait until it's available online. He then said there was a new Matrix film coming out soon, so I asked, why not wait until that came out online? "Because it's more of a big screen movie."

Seriously? A Bond film isn't enough of a big screen movie to warrant going to the cinema? Is he gaslighting me?

@Sparkletastic

Hmm. Something isn't right with him and how he behaves towards you. I'd strongly consider ending it.

I know. I offered to cook for him this weekend and when I told him what I intended to make (he asked this before accepting the invitation) he said it wasn't a very suitable meal for a carnivore in a Sunday. I mean who says things like that to their new girlfriend? And there have been other things too, like accusing me of telling him "half truths" when I didn't immediately reveal what I'd bought him for his birthday.

I mean who says things like that to their new girlfriend?

Someone you're about to stop seeing, hopefully?!

He sounds like a prick, why are you even entertaining continuing this?

Weirdo alert.
DUMP.

@dieblauenStrumpfhosen

I don't think it matters what you call his behaviour. There's no way a conversation about going to the cinema should lead to this much analysis in a healthy relationship. Dump him and find someone who isn't socially backwards.

You're absolutely right. I've just blocked him. Feel strangely calm.

Good on you. You deserve better. The calmness sounds like it could be the start of feeling really relieved.

Feel strangely calm.

Nothing strange about it at all, that's your body telling you that you've just made an excellent decision about your own self-preservation.

Well done on listening to you gut instinct. That's the part of you that says, "Hmmm, I know something is off here, but I can't quite put into words what it is." When you sit with it and think about it for a while –or ask other people about it, in case someone else has the ability to articulate it for you – the answer will come.

@dieblauenStrumpfhosen

Good on you. You deserve better. The calmness sounds like it could be the start of feeling really relieved.

Thanks. Also feeling quite angry.

Well done Lemon - decisive action taken 💪🏻

Not gaslighting, but I think he sounds a bit dull.

Well done OP, he sounded off.

So much conflict with someone you don't even know.

It has been 12 weeks and you had a few meals out and a few pub outings - unless these were the same nights ie meal then pub after it sounds 'enough' dates
But the problem is you want 'special' outings and you have jumped to the kind of nights out you do when you've been together years!
One thing though - there have been different threads here where the OP has been that the relationship has moved too fast - 'it's only been 3 months and we've met every night / met parents etc' and the general consensus would be Run!

Is he worried about Covid? Seems like he doesn't want to go out much and just wants to stay inside. Also proposing to go see a movie that's not out yet biding him some time.

Well, I was originally going to say hello sounds boring and a bit controlling, which is a truly dire combination... but now I see you've found your anger and blocked him, so well done you!!!

I really hate the way serious phrases such as gaslighting, toxic and abusive are thrown around on here. It’s perfectly possible to not like someone or be annoyed at behaviour without resorting to such serious allegations.

I can’t stand Bond films but do like Matrix films - I can’t imagine sitting through four hours.

Why didn’t you ask him why he’s so reluctant to go out? I’m not sure putting a thread on MN to ask a bunch of strangers what he’s thinking and then just blocking him shows the healthiest approach to a relationship either OP.

Doesn’t sound as if you were compatible and maybe just rubbed each other up the wrong way. But next time I’d suggest having a discussion about things you’re unhappy with rather than quietly seething and making sweeping accusations.

Gaslight, the 1944 film is still available. You certainly understand the term after watching the film, it's a classic. Not essential to watch it on a big screen either.

For what it's worth OP, I think you've done the right thing.

I get what you mean by gaslighting. Both are undeniably big screen movies, but he won't acknowledge it and instead makes you doubt that Bond is a big screen movie.

It's clear this is only an example and he sounds absolutely awful. Well done for blocking. He may try and make out that you're making a big deal of nothing blah blah and entice you back. You've taken the red pill now.

Why didn’t you ask him why he’s so reluctant to go out? I’m not sure putting a thread on MN to ask a bunch of strangers what he’s thinking and then just blocking him shows the healthiest approach to a relationship either OP.

I did, and was told to stop being annoying and that I didn't understand how to communicate. That's why I blocked him. I generally give men far too many chances and this is no knee-jerk reaction (although I do feel like kneeing the jerk in the crotch).

It’s not gaslighting OP. That is something different.

Still weird behaviour though!

@Eddielzzard

I get what you mean by gaslighting. Both are undeniably big screen movies, but he won't acknowledge it and instead makes you doubt that Bond is a big screen movie.

It's clear this is only an example and he sounds absolutely awful. Well done for blocking. He may try and make out that you're making a big deal of nothing blah blah and entice you back. You've taken the red pill now.

Thanks. I didn't mean that I thought gaslighting was synonymous with having a different opinion or different preferences which is how some people seem to have interpreted it, although I appreciate that in itself it's not a particularly serious example.

I’d say cognitive dissonance if anything?

Well all the things you’ve mentioned make him sound horrible. Accusing you of half truths over his birthday present, criticising the meal you planned to cook for him, telling you you don’t know how to communicate, being deliberately obtuse about the cinema and apparently refusing to do any out of the house activities that don’t suit him. Think those are plenty enough reasons for you to have blocked him!! 3 months in as well, can you imagine what he’d have been like in a year .

Well I'm so glad you've blocked him, he's a wrong'un.

Glad you blocked him.

Never give men chances. They never deserve them.

This is nothing like gaslighting.

It’s just bollocks.

He’s not for you, just don’t see him anymore.

He needs to run for the hills he doesn't like bond and he's gas lighting you .