Why does he do this? (Gaslighting??)

[LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour]

Have a pretty new boyfriend (three months). So far we have done virtually nothing together apart from a few meals out locally and a few evenings in pubs. No special meals, days out, cinema, cultural or sporting events, no meeting each other's friends or family. He has turned down quite a few suggestions I've made (concerts, exhibitions, trip away, meeting friends for a drink) and several other things we've talked about simply haven't happened.

I suggested we go to see the new Bond film, thinking this was a fairly innocuous idea and something a newish couple can do together. No, he'd rather wait until it's available online. He then said there was a new Matrix film coming out soon, so I asked, why not wait until that came out online? "Because it's more of a big screen movie."

Seriously? A Bond film isn't enough of a big screen movie to warrant going to the cinema? Is he gaslighting me?

@Queenoftheashes

Bond is boring and almost four hours long. Therefore hideous for cinema.

I had to check this as that seems awfully long. The internet says it's 2hrs 43 mins.

Long but not ridiculously so.

Oh I thought it was 3 43 - but I think when I originally calculated it came in over three hours when you account for the adverts and trailers

There are some posters here who would be a good fit for OP's boyfriend

Dismissing your choice of film may not be gaslighting but it sure isn't the sign of a keeper. Chuck him back. Plenty more fish in the sea.

In the bin

In the bin

In the bin

Etc etc. He’s making 0% effort for you. The first few months should be full of effort and interest and doing fun stuff. If he’s this dull now, it’s only gonna get worse.

In the bin with him.

He sounds dull and unpleasant. After only three months it's not going to get any better.

He's now telling me I'm being annoying because I asked why he doesn't want to go to the cinema. Also that I don't understand how communication works.

@LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour

He's now telling me I'm being annoying because I asked why he doesn't want to go to the cinema. Also that I don't understand how communication works.

You realise that this is the bit of the relationship where you're meant to be rolling around in bed until 3pm whenever you get the chance, and forgetting for a short while that you have friends, because the new guy's company is JUST SO GOOD, don't you?

Do you think you understand how communication works? Do you have problems communicating with other people in your life?

Dump him; he sounds annoying

This isn't gaslighting but he's giving you very clear signs that he's an utter prick.

This won't get better, it will only get worse. Get rid now and find someone fun.

If three months is 'very very early days' to meet your boyfriends mates, may I ask when the acceptable time is?

One thing I (eventually) learned in my younger years is to start as you mean to go on. He doesn't get to dick you about because 'it's barely even a relationship yet'. The appropriate time to start showing your date/fbuddy/girlfriend respect and consideration is in the first minute of your acquaintance.

Christ the hassle I could have saved myself.

One thing I (eventually) learned in my younger years is to start as you mean to go on. He doesn't get to dick you about because 'it's barely even a relationship yet'. The appropriate time to start showing your date/fbuddy/girlfriend respect and consideration is in the first minute of your acquaintance

YES YES!

Christ the hassle I could have saved myself

And yes, me too!

@MorrisZapp

If three months is 'very very early days' to meet your boyfriends mates, may I ask when the acceptable time is?

One thing I (eventually) learned in my younger years is to start as you mean to go on. He doesn't get to dick you about because 'it's barely even a relationship yet'. The appropriate time to start showing your date/fbuddy/girlfriend respect and consideration is in the first minute of your acquaintance.

Christ the hassle I could have saved myself.

But in this case, it IS 'barely even a relationship yet' - everything the OP describes sounds like some light casual dating.

The BF is making his boundaries super clear. He doesn't want to meet her friends and family. He doesn't want her to socialise with his friends and family. He's not interested in special romantic couples nights out. He's not interested in sharing hobbies, movies, days out, trips away.

In the OP's own words in three months all they have done together is a few meals out locally and a few nights in the pub.

Now he's either:

• incredibly boring and this is how he dates everyone

or

• at this point he doesn't see this in the same way as the OP

They just don't sound suited. Doesn't make him a bad guy. He seems to be very honest about what he's offering.

Do you think you understand how communication works? Do you have problems communicating with other people in your life?

Yes I do, and no, not generally.

In the OP's own words in three months all they have done together is a few meals out locally and a few nights in the pub.

My fault for not being clearer. We've done other stuff; mainly hanging out at each other's flats and he's cooked for me. It's the going out thing he seems resistant to.

Anyway, I'm getting a pretty clear message from everyone here.

@MorrisZapp

If three months is 'very very early days' to meet your boyfriends mates, may I ask when the acceptable time is?

One thing I (eventually) learned in my younger years is to start as you mean to go on. He doesn't get to dick you about because 'it's barely even a relationship yet'. The appropriate time to start showing your date/fbuddy/girlfriend respect and consideration is in the first minute of your acquaintance.

Christ the hassle I could have saved myself.

This by the bucket load. All this hassle just 3 months in. If he is a great fuck you'd be better renegotiating the relationship to FWB because that's what it looks like now anyway. If you don't want that (and he is selfish in bed) dump him.

Are you dating one of my team??? He had this exact same conversation this week and said he wouldn't see Bond in the cinema because he was tight but Matrix is a big screen movie so would pay the money.

Perhaps he isn't that into me, but that's not the impression he gives in other regards.

In other words, he sees you as a fuck buddy?

@LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour

In the OP's own words in three months all they have done together is a few meals out locally and a few nights in the pub.

My fault for not being clearer. We've done other stuff; mainly hanging out at each other's flats and he's cooked for me. It's the going out thing he seems resistant to.

Anyway, I'm getting a pretty clear message from everyone here.

So before I got married I dated guys often for over three months doing what you described but I knew from the start that it didn't have a long term future so I never introduced him to my friend and family and I wasn't interested in trips away etc. It's basically a monogamous friends with benefits. I would never have referred to one of these dates as my boyfriend, more like 'a guy I'm dating at the moment'. It was fun and fabulous and monogamous but ultimately casual. And it was mutual.

Doesn't sound like you're on the same page. And if it's not fun for you, I wouldn't keep doing it.

@BoredZelda

Perhaps he isn't that into me, but that's not the impression he gives in other regards.

In other words, he sees you as a fuck buddy?

No, that's not what I mean. The way he talks about our relatationship and the amout of contact we have when we're not together do not make me feel at all like a fuck buddy. But I still think something's not right.

Well, I think the movie things is borderline gaslighting. You're right, a Bond film is absolutely cinema-worthy. It's weird that he said that it wasn't as an excuse not to go.

But this Also that I don't understand how communication works. That's outright gaslighting.

Any time someone makes a harsh, generalised criticism of who you are or 'what you're like', that's a massive red flag. Especially if it's early in the relationship.

If he felt like the two of you were having communication difficulties, there are many non-judgement and non-critical ways he can raise that without making a judgement of you. "I feel like we're struggling with communication." "When you [insert communication issue here], it makes conversations difficult for me." "I really believe in good communication so it's important to me we are honest with each other" etc.

Put this one in the bin.

Well, I think the movie things is borderline gaslighting. You're right, a Bond film is absolutely cinema-worthy. It's weird that he said that it wasn't as an excuse not to go.

It is t even close to gaslighting. He just has a different opinion.

It is t even close to gaslighting. He just has a different opinion.

Well, opinions fall along a spectrum that ranges from objective (based on provable facts, with a definite right or wrong answer) to subjective (based on individual taste, so no real right or wrong answer).

If I ask you "What does 2 + 2 equal?" you can have the opinion that it's 5, but you're provably wrong.

If I ask you "What's the best icecream flavour?" you can have the opinion that it's chocolate, and even though I might think it's actually vanilla, there's not a lot of territory for me to argue that you're "wrong" because it comes down to individual taste.

Obviously many situations are less clear cut. The OP's situation is one, but I think it tends to the side that there's an objective answer.

Bond films are action films made for the big screen – they feature are car chases and spectacular explosions and grand cinematic scenery. Matrix films contain similar elements.

Remains of the Day, by contrast, is a drama that relies on personal interactions, details etc. It's a different type of film that doesn't rely on big special effects for its impact. So you can just as well watch it on the small screen.

The OP's partner is trying to tell the OP he doesn't want to see a Bond film because it's a different type of film to the Matrix films, which it's clearly not. There's a factual basis to argue that what he's saying is 'wrong'.

If he'd said he just doesn't like Bond films because Daniel Craig's face reminds him of a teacher he hated at school , that' a subjective opinion and it would be hard to tell him he's wrong for that opinion.

@CheekyHobson - thank you; you've explained what I was getting at perfectly.

Hmm. Something isn't right with him and how he behaves towards you. I'd strongly consider ending it.

I don't think it matters what you call his behaviour. There's no way a conversation about going to the cinema should lead to this much analysis in a healthy relationship. Dump him and find someone who isn't socially backwards.