Why does he do this? (Gaslighting??)

[LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour]

Have a pretty new boyfriend (three months). So far we have done virtually nothing together apart from a few meals out locally and a few evenings in pubs. No special meals, days out, cinema, cultural or sporting events, no meeting each other's friends or family. He has turned down quite a few suggestions I've made (concerts, exhibitions, trip away, meeting friends for a drink) and several other things we've talked about simply haven't happened.

I suggested we go to see the new Bond film, thinking this was a fairly innocuous idea and something a newish couple can do together. No, he'd rather wait until it's available online. He then said there was a new Matrix film coming out soon, so I asked, why not wait until that came out online? "Because it's more of a big screen movie."

Seriously? A Bond film isn't enough of a big screen movie to warrant going to the cinema? Is he gaslighting me?

@someonesomewhere7

That's not gaslighting in the slightest. Annoying, sure. But he's not trying to make you doubt your own reality, nor is he denying having said/done anything. He simply expressed a preference and his argument was weak, but stop trivialising real abuse/gaslighting by seeing it everywhere.

It felt very much like he was trying to make me doubt my reality.

I don't mean to trivialise abuse in the slightest. This is just one of several odd things he's done and I just wanted an outside perspective.

As pp have said this isn't what gaslighting Is, I mean he sounds totally selfish and not open to what you want but it still isn't gaslighting, I'd run a mile its been 12 weeks.

[quote TheFoundations]@someonesomewhere7

OP is asking for clarification on whether it's gaslighting, though, not saying it is gaslighting. It's good to ask, if you don't know, and it's a bit crap to call a question 'a slap in the face of real abuse victims'. And I speak as a former abuse victim myself.[/quote]
Thank you @TheFoundations - I appreciate that.

The bigger picture is that he seems to want to make all the decisions and be in control at all times. This was just an example that happened today.

Maybe he just disagrees that bond is worth seeing on the big screen though. Just because he has a different opinion to you, it shouldn't make you 'doubt your own reality'.

@Queenoftheashes

Bond is boring and almost four hours long. Therefore hideous for cinema.

Jeez, I didn't realise that. Perhaps he has a point!

The bigger picture is that he seems to want to make all the decisions and be in control at all times. This was just an example that happened today

Are you considering staying in this relationship? If so... what would someone have to do to make you leave?

It's not gaslighting but it sounds like you don't really enjoy the same things in the same way.

It's also very very very early in your relationship to be worrying about meeting relatives.

He sounds like he's still in the early days of casual drinks while getting to know each other.

@Pinkbonbon

Maybe he just disagrees that bond is worth seeing on the big screen though. Just because he has a different opinion to you, it shouldn't make you 'doubt your own reality'.

He might not think it's worth spending money and four hours of his time on and that's fine, but I'd have thought a Bond film was the archetype of a "big screen" movie. Maybe I'm wrong.

@TheFoundations

The bigger picture is that he seems to want to make all the decisions and be in control at all times. This was just an example that happened today

Are you considering staying in this relationship? If so... what would someone have to do to make you leave?

Fair question...

@TheFoundations

The bigger picture is that he seems to want to make all the decisions and be in control at all times. This was just an example that happened today

Are you considering staying in this relationship? If so... what would someone have to do to make you leave?

It's barely a relationship though yet.

To me it sounds like he wants to make all the decisions for himself because he's not as invested in the relationship yet - he thinks you are just still in the casual stages where you both stay fairly independent.

Unless there's some massive dripfeed.

This is not gaslighting as he isn't telling you your opinion or wants are wrong or untrue - just that he doesn't agree with your choice, and prefers a different film. Gaslighting would be him telling you that you've imagined that a new Bond film has released. Gaslighting is him making you question whether your version of the truth (or reality) is wrong. Him telling you he thinks Matrix is more of a big screen film is his opinion - him preferring Matrix to Bond does not challenge your reality which is you want to watch a Bond film.

You both sound incompatible. Don't try to figure him out or understand him. Just dump him. In 3 months if he isn't doing things with you that you want, there is no point sticking around. Somewhere out there is a woman who is happy to just stay in with him all day watching Tv. That woman is not you.

@TheFoundations but you don’t speak for all abuse survivors - and as an abusive survivor I’m saying it’s a slap in the face for me.

It's barely a relationship though yet

Yes, and OP is already feeling the need to post on a forum because she doesn't 'get' him. People in healthy relationships (especially at the very beginnings) are too busy finding each other fabulous to bother with forums. His controlling behaviour and how it's making OP feel before the relationship is even established is a big warning sign.

Tbf though @cabingirl in the early stages most people make more of an effort to accommodate the other person though. Not less.

[quote ButterflyAway]@TheFoundations but you don’t speak for all abuse survivors - and as an abusive survivor I’m saying it’s a slap in the face for me.[/quote]
I'm sorry for you if you are free of abuse now but it is still bothering you to the extent that a question about potential abuse feels like a slap in your face. I hope you get the support you need to fully recover.

Nobody is speaking for all abuse survivors, nor has claimed to.

@Pinkbonbon

Tbf though *@cabingirl* in the early stages most people make more of an effort to accommodate the other person though. Not less.

Absolutely - which is a sign that either he's not really invested long term yet so isn't making an effort or his likes and lifestyle are just really incompatible with the OP.

Not gaslighting or even terrible boyfriend (just not the right one)

This example doesn't sound like gaslighting. And I get not feeling fussed about seeing a Bond franchise movie in the cinema vs The Matrix which is more of an 'event' given it's 20+ years since the last one.

It does sound like he's not that into you, you're bored, you have different interests. And if there are things that feel like red flags to you, even if you are unable to articulate them, pay attention to them. Bin this guy.

I have to say I agree with him. Watch Bond at home on the couch with wine, Matrix definitely at the cinema. With regards to meeting friends/ family 3 months is very early days.

So he is bossy, controlling and disrespectful.

More than enough reasons to dump there.

I think we have been dating the same guy 😂 I ended things last night with my man. The first few months you are supposedly to feel special & plan things to do together. All we have had is a couple of meals & him come to my house. I want to go & have fun, not act like an old married couple at sight away. Take my advice & move on x

The bigger picture is that he seems to want to make all the decisions and be in control at all times.

This is a huge red flag. He should be on best behaviour at this early stage trying to be accommodating to your preferences in an effort to show interest. Not going “no we’re not doing that, we’re doing this”. He should be asking and checking whether that’s what you want to do and showing that your opinion is important so booking a meal at a restaurant that does food you like rather than one where you can only eat one choice on the menu.

I also wouldn’t get hung up on the label for the behaviour. You don’t like it so don’t put up with it. I would end things now and not live under any illusion that he’ll change.

He's a dreadful, controlling bore, yet you keep seeing him?

Raise your standards.

Is he skint/tight/in debt?

Perhaps he isn't that into me, but that's not the impression he gives in other regards

Meaning what? He's very interested in you physically but has no interest in doing normal couple activities?

Definitely not gaslighting. But his selfishness would be a big turn-off. And you say he always has to be in control. Big warning sign.

You suggest Bond. He says no. He then suggests Matrix, and tells you why you were wrong to want to see Bond. He is extremely selfish and / or he is doing it intentionally to exert control (ie testing whether he can get you to go to the Matrix film you clearly aren't as bothered about when he's refused to see the film you want to see).

That would put me off him completely. Show him you won't be controlled / manipulated and don't go to the Matrix film. Then arrange to see the Bond film with someone else / on your own, and show him he won't stop you doing things you want to do. You'll just find other people to do them with.