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Original poster

Are any of you living contentedly with someone you no longer love ?

124 replies

GoodnightGrandma · 01/10/2021 09:33

I’ve hit the old menopause so don’t want sex anymore.
We sleep in separate rooms due to his snoring and restlessness.
I don’t love him, don’t want to kiss or hold hands, but he seems content enough.
When he does something to piss me off I want to divorce him, but any other time we just live in the same house taking it in turns to cook tea.
His wage pays the bills, I do most of the cleaning, we’d look after each other if we were ill.
Anyone else live like this, it is it just us ?

OP posts:
altmember · 01/10/2021 10:17

Part of me thinks that growing old together is more about companionship and contentedness. It's never going to be the same as young, fresh love (lust?). But on the other hand, if you're describing the reality of senior years together, then it sounds rather depressing.

Is this just normal and how all older couples end up - you hit menopause and the sex just stops? And everything else becomes about tolerating each other?

Dozycuntlaters · 01/10/2021 10:35

Sounds like a very lonely life, I would rather live on my own (and do) than be in a relationship like that.

Jaguarshoes · 01/10/2021 10:42

Are you sure it’s the menopause?

I feel I may be heading this way, although we mostly sleep in the same bed, have sex and I do feel affection for my H. Just not romantic feelings.

JustAnother0ldMan · 01/10/2021 10:42

I think that’s more common than you realise, my parents went this way, I think they just kind of tolerated each other as neither have enough resources to live alone and they were more like companions until my father died

CamillaRose · 01/10/2021 10:46

Contentedly? No. I wish I was with someone I loved and was attracted to. But I’m not, and even if I leave the odds of me finding someone are virtually zero. My best option is to stay put because I have everything except love.

walkinonsunshine · 01/10/2021 10:46

I couldn't live with someone I didn't love and didn't love me or without loving touch, not necessarily sex as I can see the need for that might change, but no kisses, hugs, strokes and other affectionate touches?
I'd rather be alone too, it's way less lonely ironically.

CamillaRose · 01/10/2021 10:49

The thing is, regardless of whether I stay or leave, I’ll still be living without love and affection. I don’t have it in my marriage but I won’t have it if I leave either. At least if I stay married I have all the other stuff like security and money.

CommonRoom · 01/10/2021 10:52

I am so glad to read this! DH and I have a relationship like this. I am aware on the outside that maybe it looks 'sad' and I do sometimes fantasise about living on my own. But honestly, on the inside I think it suits us and in every respect we have a nice life in a nice home and a happy place for our kids to visit/stay when they need.

My reservations about our relationship are mainly based on what a woman in the 21st century 'should' be doing, or what a mumsnetter would say! I am not a surrendered woman. I have a great career, a great social life and lots of friends and hobbies. I really don't want the upheaval of breaking our relationship up, leaving our home behind just because of the idea that people should have exciting sexual relationships until the end of their days.

CommonRoom · 01/10/2021 10:55

I have often thought of posting exactly this on MN to find out what people thought, but have been scared of the responses. I am so happy you did it instead OP, and that there are other people in the same situation.

ravenmum · 01/10/2021 10:57

he seems content enough. When he does something to piss me off I want to divorce him, but any other time we just live in the same house taking it in turns to cook tea
You say that he seems content, but nothing about you being content, and your emotion-free, dull description doesn't sound like a contented life, either. Are you content?

Original poster
GoodnightGrandma · 01/10/2021 11:03

@CommonRoom

I have often thought of posting exactly this on MN to find out what people thought, but have been scared of the responses. I am so happy you did it instead OP, and that there are other people in the same situation.
You’re welcome 💐
OP posts:
Original poster
GoodnightGrandma · 01/10/2021 11:05

@CamillaRose

The thing is, regardless of whether I stay or leave, I’ll still be living without love and affection. I don’t have it in my marriage but I won’t have it if I leave either. At least if I stay married I have all the other stuff like security and money.
This is what I’m thinking at the moment. I get to stay in my lovely house, and we have someone to help if there’s a problem or we get ill. And I have company, even if I don’t like him all the time !
OP posts:
Original poster
GoodnightGrandma · 01/10/2021 11:07

@ravenmum

he seems content enough. When he does something to piss me off I want to divorce him, but any other time we just live in the same house taking it in turns to cook tea You say that he seems content, but nothing about you being content, and your emotion-free, dull description doesn't sound like a contented life, either. Are you content?
Not really. I feel restless every day, not knowing whether I should go it alone and be in charge of my life, or stay and take security and contentment. That’s why I asked. I’m not sure if it isn’t peri menopause making me feel restless/anxious, and I don’t want to make a move and regret it.
OP posts:
Sakurami · 01/10/2021 11:21

Much better to live alone and choosing company that you enjoy when you choose than having to live with someone you don't enjoy being around.

I was so happy single and now I'm very happy with a man who I love spending time with. Not just physical but intellectually. There were controlling and abusive issues with my ex too but I thank myself every day for deciding to leave. What an amazing life I'm having.

And I also love spending time with my friends and doing stuff with them. Now I am only with people who bring joy to my life (aside from having to put up with grumpy teens!)

ravenmum · 01/10/2021 11:27

What do you actively like and enjoy in your life, at home and outside?

Alcemeg · 01/10/2021 11:42

It depends what you mean by "contentedly."

If he gets on your nerves and you're only really "contented" when he's not around, I'd quit.

If you enjoy his company when you do get together, I'd stay.

Campervan69 · 01/10/2021 11:45

Yes we are like this. I think actually more people are than admit it. We are more like brother and sister now, but we both seem OK with it. I don't want to find anyone else, would live alone rather than have another relationship now. So it works for us.

ravenmum · 01/10/2021 11:51

Having had my exh cheat on me despite seeming more than content, and us having a decent sex life, I'm not sure I'd take the risk of staying, assuming that the other person was content despite obvious issues, and then potentially being dumped one, five or ten years down the line.

FireandBrimstone · 01/10/2021 11:53

My husband and I separated a year ago, following years in and out of counselling to address pretty much the scenario you describe. Eventually I realised that even in my 50s that wasn't the lifestyle I was prepared to commit to, for the rest of it life. I deserve a richer and more enriching intimate lifestyle, as well as STBXH.
So - to your question: no, I think you're selling yourself short if you settle for the lifestyle you describe, if I'm honest.

(And PS I know it's not for everyone and a separate topic but a lot of 'my' issues, including my libido, have been transformed by HRT in the last 6 months...)

CommonRoom · 01/10/2021 11:54

ravenmum I am really sorry to hear of your experience. The thing is though, it wouldn't make sense to end a relationship just in case your DH might end it later. If a relationship works ok for you right now, surely it's better to carry on?

BIoodyStupidJohnson · 01/10/2021 11:55

I think my parents are like this.

My mother has some odd ideas about divorce so she just puts up with her life. My father is a kind man but oblivious to anything outside his relatively narrow areas of interest.

I think they've just evolved to exist together companionably, if not lovingly. They do things together like watch TV, go for walks, do gardening. But I don't believe they've slept together for over 30 years. They don't seem to make each other laugh or have shared passions or anything like that.

In all honesty I don't think they love each other at all. But then I don't think they ever did, really. My mother really enjoyed being pregnant much more so than raising the resultant children, sadly and in order to satisfy that she felt that she needed a husband. I think my father was just 'right place, right time'.

I don't think it'll change now, they're both in their 70s.

TossaCointoYerWitcher · 01/10/2021 11:58

@CommonRoom

I am so glad to read this! DH and I have a relationship like this. I am aware on the outside that maybe it looks 'sad' and I do sometimes fantasise about living on my own. But honestly, on the inside I think it suits us and in every respect we have a nice life in a nice home and a happy place for our kids to visit/stay when they need.

My reservations about our relationship are mainly based on what a woman in the 21st century 'should' be doing, or what a mumsnetter would say! I am not a surrendered woman. I have a great career, a great social life and lots of friends and hobbies. I really don't want the upheaval of breaking our relationship up, leaving our home behind just because of the idea that people should have exciting sexual relationships until the end of their days.

I suppose, from Mother Nature’s point of view, there’s no reason why we should have evolved to have exciting sex to the end of our days. I mean, if we want it it’s absolutely our right to choose to look for it - just that whirlwind romance and passion and lust evolved to get humans to have babies, so once we’ve done that, there’s no “reason” for us to expect it’s abnormal not have it (as I said, from a biological point of view rather than a personal one!)
DillonPanthersTexas · 01/10/2021 12:07

A number of the responses take it as a given that the husband's are 'content' with the status quo. Seems a bit of shit existence to me to be in a sexless marriage where you are seen as only a source of irritation and a provider of household income.

TheGrumpyGoat · 01/10/2021 12:13

It’s possible he’s having the very same feelings OP, but is also torn as to what to do about it. You say ‘he seems content enough’, but perhaps he’d say the same about you?
I feel quite sorry for your DH… how do you think he’d feel if he was aware that you just saw him as security mixed in with irritation? Doesn’t he deserve better too?

Alcemeg · 01/10/2021 12:16

I'm not sure previous generations worried so much about their sex lives. I'm also not sure whether we should. Marketing has convinced everyone that there is nothing more crucial to a relationship than sexual attraction. This can make life quite hard, especially as time goes on.

However, it is really important to be with someone you trust, respect, and enjoy being with. If you're bored and/or irritated, what's the point?