Are any of you living contentedly with someone you no longer love ?

[GoodnightGrandma]

I’ve hit the old menopause so don’t want sex anymore.
We sleep in separate rooms due to his snoring and restlessness.
I don’t love him, don’t want to kiss or hold hands, but he seems content enough.
When he does something to piss me off I want to divorce him, but any other time we just live in the same house taking it in turns to cook tea.
His wage pays the bills, I do most of the cleaning, we’d look after each other if we were ill.
Anyone else live like this, it is it just us ?

I don’t have Netflix !

I think there's a difference between living with someone and living alongside them so as not to compromise on home comforts. You've got to actually enjoy each other's company, or that sounds a bit lonely to me.

if youd be relieved if he called it and wanted out, and you have no love for him, then I think its a bit weak to just carry on. You dont get another shot at life. What on earth is the point of making a choice to live miserably

I think there's a difference between living with someone and living alongside them so as not to compromise on home comforts. You've got to actually enjoy each other's company

That’s an excellent point. I prefer when DH is not at home. I feel fully relaxed. I don’t like when he is due back because he likes to organise everything all the time and we argue a lot.

@Dancingonmoonlight

I think there's a difference between living with someone and living alongside them so as not to compromise on home comforts. You've got to actually enjoy each other's company

That’s an excellent point. I prefer when DH is not at home. I feel fully relaxed. I don’t like when he is due back because he likes to organise everything all the time and we argue a lot.

I agree with this. There's all the difference in the world between a relationship where you are good companions and function as a team v. being locked together in mutual misery because neither of you has any optimism that life could be better.

Desdemona

I could have written your post. Another one here. This past year I have focused more on me. I am becoming more content in my own company and trying to build a better source of contentment in relation to hobbies and interests and friendships which is not there in my relationship. In a way I have grown from what is not a great situation.
Also verging on the menopause and there are dc in the mix.

Yes, we do function as a team but I prefer it when husband is not at home. I feel a lot more relaxed.

@Crystal44567

Yes, we do function as a team but I prefer it when husband is not at home. I feel a lot more relaxed.

So, in this scenario, you're not good companions?

I don't count it as good companions if you have to maintain silence in order not to have a row with each other or be reduced to purely functional conversations.

And, in my mind, there's a difference between working alongside each other and functioning as a good team.

However, I have to admit that I cried at the advert which showed an older couple, working together in the kitchen and they moved together like dance partners. They didn't speak but, for me, it spoke volumes about the depicted relationship.

Just to prove it IS possible to enjoy someone's company in the long term, DH and I love doing things together and tend to avoid including anyone else. We'd much rather talk to each other than friends or family, in fact after exposure to other people we have a kind of "phew" moment after they go and we can relax again.

This is my second marriage and the first one was not nearly so happy. I had low expectations. Then a series of fairly grim relationships (again, low expectations). Then several years completely on my own, during which I raised the bar by enjoying life alone so not wanting anyone to spoil it for me (at the very least!).

Since realising it's actually possible to be this happy, I'm a bit of an evangelical advocate for not settling for less just because we don't really expect relationships to be much fun. Good luck xxx

I find this fascinating and think that a lot of people find themselves frozen in this predicament. Do all relationships end up this way? Does affectionate love last? Is security and the peace of not being emotionally involved a good way of living as opposed to a relationship with someone who you feel in love with? I would love to know if people have loved their partners all their lives rather than just co existing

@walkinonsunshine

I couldn't live with someone I didn't love and didn't love me or without loving touch, not necessarily sex as I can see the need for that might change, but no kisses, hugs, strokes and other affectionate touches? I'd rather be alone too, it's way less lonely ironically.

Spot on, this.

Split from EXDW a few tears ago having got to a similar point. No sex, no cuddles, no affection, separate bedrooms. Pleasant enough friendship and family life, but I felt like while my skin walked around engaged in all those external interacts, I was slowly dying from the inside out.

Thought I'd be straight out looking for someone else, then a few things put the breaks on that, not least being a worldwide deadly pandemic. But you know what? Living alone with a clear understanding and set of choices that entail not having those things, is far less lonely than living with someone whose presence every day reminds you of the lack of them.

That sounds incredibly lonely to me. Do you still chat? Lively debate? Does he care what you think? Does he bring you a cup of tea or run you a bath when you've had a bad day.

I'd rather be on my own than just share a house with someone who wasn't bothered, but I have my own job so don't need to rely on someone to pay the mortgage. I suppose that makes a difference. It doesn't sound much fun.

@DesdemonaDryEyes

I have a friend who is in a very happy marriage. Very very happy. They do everything together. Well almost. They have the occasional holiday away with separate friends. But everything else is together.

I’d bloody hate that.

That's my marriage. I love him, he is my best friend and I prefer his company to everyone else's.

Fifteentoes - you describe it exactly. No affection, separate rooms. For me it’s like I’m screaming at him on the inside - can’t he see that this isn’t good enough, why doesn’t he say something. Is it just me ?
That’s why I started this post, to see if this is how it’s meant to be, is this how everyone else Is living.
I sometimes wonder if all these ‘LTB’ posts has made me unsettled, expecting more.

I used to absolutely adore my DH, he was absolutely my best friend, I didn’t need anyone else.
But years of drinking, antidepressants leading to a poor sex life, little lies, doing the vast majority of the laundry/cleaning, spending money I didn’t think he needed to etc has worn me down. I’m tired of it.
But I’d have less money and be lonely if I was in my own. I wonder if this is better than the alternative.

@Fifteentoes. I totally get your post - and it’s one reason I am biding my time to separate , except I am your wife . When you realise you don’t actually want those things anymore, in my head I know it’s not right and also unfair- regardless of the other persons past behaviour that has lead to those feelings. Sometimes you simply do still care , but fall out of love and I have found it’s hard to force romantic/sexual behaviour when you no longer’feel it’ - which is fine if the other person isn’t that bothered either, but not when they are.

But I’d have less money and be lonely if I was in my own. I wonder if this is better than the alternative.

I think when you start thinking along those lines, it's a pretty good sign you'd be better off alone. Why else would you even consider it for more than 5 minutes?!

Also, we tend to fear upheaval. You'll adapt financially, and you might not be as lonely as you think. You might not realise how lonely you are now.

@Alcemeg

But I’d have less money and be lonely if I was in my own. I wonder if this is better than the alternative.

I think when you start thinking along those lines, it's a pretty good sign you'd be better off alone. Why else would you even consider it for more than 5 minutes?!

Also, we tend to fear upheaval. You'll adapt financially, and you might not be as lonely as you think. You might not realise how lonely you are now.

I do feel lonely. And to add to that I’d see the kids less.

I have less money, in that living separately is more expensive than living together. I feel less lonely than I did with my exh. I now have a live-out partner who spends more time going out with me and talking to me on twice-weekly visits than my exh did living in the same home. But even before I met him, it was less lonely being alone by choice than being alone because my exh was rejecting me.

My children are adults, so have now left home (mostly), but there are still some drawbacks to being divorced, it is true: they have to visit either of us separately; I no longer go to their dad's family's events with exh (and vice versa), and e.g. when my dd moved, her dad went to help and I stayed out of it. My home is too small for overnight visitors. But we do still see each other plenty, and I don't regret having broken up just because of these few drawbacks.

But the choice is yours. What do you want to do?

You sound exhausted and it’s not surprising as you have been shouldering the family singled handed emotionally and physically with zero reward or respect from him.

And as his mental and physical health continues to deteriorate (which it will) your burden will increase further.

I would be really angry in your position. Seems that you have done too much for too long and it’s only going to deteriorate and your own mental and physical health will get sucked down with it.

If you have given up expressing your needs and wants then your unexpressed anger leads to constant resentment and contempt. That’s a very negative, ugly, bitter and painful way to live. Your DCs will be able to see, hear and sense this in the home and will internalise it with confusion and feelings of being unsafe which will come through as anxiety or other behavioural issues.

I suspect that you have tried to engage your DH to participate in family life, to be a caring and respectful partner and parent and to support addressing his addiction and health issues - but if he isn’t engaging you have to take stock and decide are we all going down this plug hole with him?

@DFOD

You sound exhausted and it’s not surprising as you have been shouldering the family singled handed emotionally and physically with zero reward or respect from him.

And as his mental and physical health continues to deteriorate (which it will) your burden will increase further.

I would be really angry in your position. Seems that you have done too much for too long and it’s only going to deteriorate and your own mental and physical health will get sucked down with it.

If you have given up expressing your needs and wants then your unexpressed anger leads to constant resentment and contempt. That’s a very negative, ugly, bitter and painful way to live. Your DCs will be able to see, hear and sense this in the home and will internalise it with confusion and feelings of being unsafe which will come through as anxiety or other behavioural issues.

I suspect that you have tried to engage your DH to participate in family life, to be a caring and respectful partner and parent and to support addressing his addiction and health issues - but if he isn’t engaging you have to take stock and decide are we all going down this plug hole with him?

I don’t respect him anymore, and I have massive resentment. I do feel that I’ve now got a sort of anxiety due to this situation, I think that something needs to change. And my kids have noticed it. Which I massively regret, but I’m not the one that’s drinking, lying etc Due to his MH problems I’ve learned to push down any feelings, not to say anything that will make him feel anxious. Has his said a million times that he’s cutting down/giving up alcohol. When we had a ‘chat’ a year ago he said that he wanted to try again. Nothing has changed. I think that I’m going to be seen as the bad one for splitting g up the family, but he’s the one that drinks, wouldn’t do anything about his poor sexual performance etc.

With respect, if you’d put any of that information in your OP you would have got very different answers. I doubt anyone is living ‘contentedly’ with a lazy alcoholic who won’t listen to their needs.

Can you live contentedly with someone you don’t love? Yes, if there is mutual respect/consideration/affection. In your circumstances? No, probably not.

I could have written your post. I turned into someone I didn’t recognize as I subjugated myself to bail out the sinking ship. I became clinically depressed which is very common for the partner of a problem drinker and this compromised mental state kept me stuck on a loop of just surviving.

My DCs didn’t have me then either. I became a Mum I didn’t want to be - they saw, heard and sensed my contempt, bitterness, exhaustion. I was preoccupied with it all - which meant I wasn’t emotionally available enough to them. It wasn’t deliberate on my side but we all only have a finite capacity of time, emotional energy and headspace and mine was being drained by DH - which meant my DCs lost out because I couldn’t be in two emotional places at once.

I also had to weather the bad one label because I called time. I had little choice as I was so exhausted and depressed by that time and a houseful of teenagers broke me.

So he left.

Our home was transformed overnight as I wasn’t burdened with his sabotaging ways.

In the end he did sort himself out and after lots of therapy I took him back and our life has been wonderful since. He thanks me for that wake up call and I know that whichever way it went the decision to separate was the right one. I wish I had done it a decade earlier for everyone’s sake.

I do feel lonely. And to add to that I’d see the kids less.

This for me too. My dcs are reasonably young. But like a poster upthread mentioned because I don't express much of what I'm feeling it turns into resentment and contempt and it is draining to keep this supressed. That is why it is so much easier when my husband isn't here (but he's here a lot, wfh etc.) My feelings have been minimalised by others too, so in this way I feel like I'm being unreasonable for losing respect and trust that I previously had in my husband. Added to that the peri-menopause and I just don't trust my judgement enough to be the one that calls time. Mainly, I circle back to the fact that I wouldn't want to be away from my dc.