Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are any of you living contentedly with someone you no longer love ?

124 replies

GoodnightGrandma · 01/10/2021 09:33

I’ve hit the old menopause so don’t want sex anymore.
We sleep in separate rooms due to his snoring and restlessness.
I don’t love him, don’t want to kiss or hold hands, but he seems content enough.
When he does something to piss me off I want to divorce him, but any other time we just live in the same house taking it in turns to cook tea.
His wage pays the bills, I do most of the cleaning, we’d look after each other if we were ill.
Anyone else live like this, it is it just us ?

OP posts:
Camandmitch · 01/10/2021 12:19

My parents are like this. They're in their 60s. As a teenager I always assumed they'd divorce once us kids all left home but actually they seem very content with each other now.

dementedma · 01/10/2021 12:23

What CamillaRose said.

JustAnother0ldMan · 01/10/2021 12:23

I think once people get beyond a certain age (probably more men tbh), the thought of starting again in life becomes quite daunting and are quite happy to be content and comfortable,

ravenmum · 01/10/2021 12:25

@CommonRoom

ravenmum I am really sorry to hear of your experience. The thing is though, it wouldn't make sense to end a relationship just in case your DH might end it later. If a relationship works ok for you right now, surely it's better to carry on?
It wouldn't make sense if the relationship was happy, no. But that is not the case here.
DillonPanthersTexas · 01/10/2021 12:34

I think once people get beyond a certain age (probably more men tbh), the thought of starting again in life becomes quite daunting and are quite happy to be content and comfortable,

Well if by daunting you mean the very real prospect of losing your home, a chunk of your savings and pension and living in much reduced circumstances then you would be right. I would not call that state of affairs as contentment though, more resigned acceptance.

Original poster
GoodnightGrandma · 01/10/2021 12:40

@DillonPanthersTexas

A number of the responses take it as a given that the husband's are 'content' with the status quo. Seems a bit of shit existence to me to be in a sexless marriage where you are seen as only a source of irritation and a provider of household income.
We had the ‘chat’ about 12 months ago. He said he wanted to try again, or something similar. Nothing has changed. Just like the numerous times he’s said he’ll cut down/stop drinking. Like the numerous times he’s said he’s going to get fit.
OP posts:
Original poster
GoodnightGrandma · 01/10/2021 12:43

@TheGrumpyGoat

It’s possible he’s having the very same feelings OP, but is also torn as to what to do about it. You say ‘he seems content enough’, but perhaps he’d say the same about you? I feel quite sorry for your DH… how do you think he’d feel if he was aware that you just saw him as security mixed in with irritation? Doesn’t he deserve better too?
You could say I deserve better too. I might deserve a DH that doesn’t drink a bottle of wine every night. A husband that tried the Viagra that he was offered to offset the problems caused by his antidepressants.
OP posts:
Limejuiceandrum · 01/10/2021 12:43

Sounds like he’s just as unhappy and you’re both ignoring the elephant in the room

But I am constantly amazed at how many years people can live like that

TheGrumpyGoat · 01/10/2021 12:44

You could say I deserve better too
I might deserve a DH that doesn’t drink a bottle of wine every night
A husband that tried the Viagra that he was offered to offset the problems caused by his antidepressants

You didn’t say any of that in the OP though. Just that you were irritated by him.
If you think you deserve better, then leave. You both have a chance of finding happiness then.

DillonPanthersTexas · 01/10/2021 12:48

We had the ‘chat’ about 12 months ago. He said he wanted to try again, or something similar. Nothing has changed.
Just like the numerous times he’s said he’ll cut down/stop drinking. Like the numerous times he’s said he’s going to get fit.

You have already set out your stall though, you don't love him, you don't want to have sex with him, you can't even bring yourself to hold his hand or kiss him affectionally. You seem to hold him with very little regard. Why should he start to jump through your prescribed self improvement hoops if it is not going to change anything?

DillonPanthersTexas · 01/10/2021 12:49

Okay, this is turning into a drip feed

Fink · 01/10/2021 12:53

I think it depends whether you actually like one another's company or not, it doesn't sound like you do at the moment. Because if you weren't physically affectionate (not jsut sex but the rest of the physical contact too) but were good friends and enjoyed spending time together & doing joint activities, that's one thing. But if there's no friendship there, then that's an entirely different relationship.

longcoffeebreak · 01/10/2021 12:56

Yeah the drinking is the thing that sways it for me into better off alone territory as I did same calculation!

StaplesCorner · 01/10/2021 13:02

@Fink good point. I was hoping my H could accept a relationship like that, just companionship really but now he takes no part in family life. He resented the DC when they were young and has no relationship with them now. He never wanted to do anything as a family preferring to stay in bed when not working - unless he didn't feel able to do something he liked on his own and then he went into rages about us not supporting him and so on. I have wanted to leave for over 18 years and been too scared or too poor or too lazy.

Now we are in our late 50s/early 60s other fears are coming in to play (and I'm still struggling with money). I reckon there must be tens of thousands of people in "later" life stuck in this situation. The cost of housing, worries about health, lack of pension etc means that separating is a luxury some just can't afford. Every day I make some sort of list, finances, pros and cons, and I still can't find a way out. Whenever I post along these lines on here I get told that I can apply for council housing or rent a 1 bed flat for me and 2 teenage DCs Hmm

dottiedodah · 01/10/2021 13:18

I think a lot of people are like this! Many people say you would be better off alone .but when you have a house together and have lived together for many years ,its hard to start again really .My GDP were together for 60 odd years! They bickered but were very fond of each other as well.

ravenmum · 01/10/2021 13:20

He doesn't sound content at all, either - likely to stay, yes; but content? No. And anyone would feel "restless" in your situation! If it is your hormones making you look beyond those horizons, then hooray for hormones.

Have you tried 1-1 with a therapist, OP?

dottiedodah · 01/10/2021 13:24

If he has a drink problem ,that is a whole different ball game . He will drink if hes unhappy .Can you speak to the Doctor or AA for friends and relations at all?

Puppalicious · 01/10/2021 13:29

How can a man on antidepressants be described as “content” Confused ?

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 01/10/2021 13:29

You could say I deserve better too.
I might deserve a DH that doesn’t drink a bottle of wine every night.
A husband that tried the Viagra that he was offered to offset the problems caused by his antidepressants.

What do you want from this thread? Because you can't have it both ways. You can't write that you resent him deeply and also get validation for staying for money and convenience, basically.

I'm sure there are couples living a contented existence as basically friends, especially in their latter years, and I'm equally sure there are other miserable, resentful couples who dislike each other, living together who don't have the guts to split.

Limejuiceandrum · 01/10/2021 13:33

If he’s drinking on anti depressants it seems pretty blindingly obvious he’s not content!!!!

MaenadsJustWannaHaveFun · 01/10/2021 13:34

I don't think it'll work long-term unless you are both asexual people, uninterested in sex.

It's hard, perhaps impossible to stay faithful to someone who is not romantically interested in you.

Frankbutchersfangs · 01/10/2021 13:36

@Alcemeg

I'm not sure previous generations worried so much about their sex lives. I'm also not sure whether we should. Marketing has convinced everyone that there is nothing more crucial to a relationship than sexual attraction. This can make life quite hard, especially as time goes on.

However, it is really important to be with someone you trust, respect, and enjoy being with. If you're bored and/or irritated, what's the point?

I agree with the first half of your reply Alcemeg, but I disagree with some of your second - yes, you should at least respect, trust and I add, care for them but you would be bored and/or irritated with anyone you lived with for years and years. Heck, my mum used to get on my nerves when I lived with her but now we live in seperate houses we get on really well.
Alcemeg · 01/10/2021 13:55

you would be bored and/or irritated with anyone you lived with for years and years

I know what you're saying @Frankbutchersfangs, but I think it's a shame we expect that without question. That assumption means we don't wait to find a more compatible partner, because "this is just what happens."

My DH and I still enjoy each other's company. We've only been together a decade, but I know I'd be bored and/or irritated living from day to day like this with any of my friends or family. We tend to think this is incredibly lucky, like winning the lottery, but maybe more relationships would have the chance of such "luck" if we weren't so ready to settle for less...?

(It's my second marriage; I made the usual assumptions in the first!)

Blueberryflavour · 01/10/2021 13:56

I’m in this situation we really are content. We have had the chat(s) about it and we both feel the same way. Neither of us is interested in a sexual relationship even with someone else, if that were to change we would look at ending our current living arrangement. We are like brother and sister we have separate bedrooms but do all the usual things together. Still share finances, eat together, spend time with extended family together it’s a very practical arrangement for us. We like each other and support each other, over the years we have both had health issues. He’s usually the bigger earner but lost his job during COVID shutdown so I was the main earner for over a year, even thrown together a lot more during COVID it’s been fine. We both work full time have separate interests and individual social lives at times. We have grown up kids and grandchildren who we see regularly and I wouldn’t want to only see them half the amount of times that I do if they had to spend separate time with my DH. We have a nice home that we could split into 2 apartments if it got to that point, I would rather that than selling our house and having to buy 2 separate properties. Our grown up kids know about our arrangement as do close family and friends.

gannett · 01/10/2021 13:58

You could say I deserve better too.
I might deserve a DH that doesn’t drink a bottle of wine every night.
A husband that tried the Viagra that he was offered to offset the problems caused by his antidepressants.

This doesn't sound like living contentedly, it sounds like living resentfully.