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Original poster

Are any of you living contentedly with someone you no longer love ?

124 replies

GoodnightGrandma · 01/10/2021 09:33

I’ve hit the old menopause so don’t want sex anymore.
We sleep in separate rooms due to his snoring and restlessness.
I don’t love him, don’t want to kiss or hold hands, but he seems content enough.
When he does something to piss me off I want to divorce him, but any other time we just live in the same house taking it in turns to cook tea.
His wage pays the bills, I do most of the cleaning, we’d look after each other if we were ill.
Anyone else live like this, it is it just us ?

OP posts:
TheGrumpyGoat · 01/10/2021 13:59

The problem is OP that to live contentedly with someone you actually have to be content.
Your husband is on antidepressants and drinks a bottle of wine a night. You resent him for not trying to change, and are irritated by him.
That is not a recipe for contended living.

Original poster
GoodnightGrandma · 01/10/2021 14:04

@gannett

*You could say I deserve better too. I might deserve a DH that doesn’t drink a bottle of wine every night. A husband that tried the Viagra that he was offered to offset the problems caused by his antidepressants.*

This doesn't sound like living contentedly, it sounds like living resentfully.

Resentful is right. I just wish I could drop it and live contentedly.
OP posts:
Original poster
GoodnightGrandma · 01/10/2021 14:06

I do work myself, so he gets my money too !

OP posts:
LastGirlSanding · 01/10/2021 14:16

Does he not work then?

StaplesCorner · 01/10/2021 14:19

@Blueberryflavour thats exactly what I had hoped for but when I thought about it having read your post, my H was never a nice man, so he wasn't going to suddenly become one. I think he resents me on so many levels. I think OP's situation is more like mine than yours.

DillonPanthersTexas · 01/10/2021 14:24

I do work myself, so he gets my money too !

So you have your own income, why don't you separate? '

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/10/2021 14:26

Golly, I couldn’t live this that (and the menopause defo does not mean the end of your sex life!), but if both parties are happy then it’s no one else’s business.

Original poster
GoodnightGrandma · 01/10/2021 14:26

@DillonPanthersTexas

I do work myself, so he gets my money too !

So you have your own income, why don't you separate? '

Excuse the question was about living with someone you don’t love, not about separating.
OP posts:
Original poster
GoodnightGrandma · 01/10/2021 14:27

*because

OP posts:
Torres10 · 01/10/2021 14:52

@ GoodnightGrandma
Absolutely where you are (with the exception of the menopause impact, but HRT changed that for me) , so you have my sympathies.

It is very difficult to make a decision that may have benefits but will also have costs. I think it is a problem many have and struggle to articulate and also to act on as there is not an obvious solution.

I have a counsellor, who is proving helpful. She says, when the time is right for you, you will act, there is no right or wrong definitively, but you will know when that time arrives!

DillonPanthersTexas · 01/10/2021 15:05

Excuse the question was about living with someone you don’t love, not about separating.

But is clear from your OP and follow up posts that it is not just a case of you just falling out of love with him but still retaining respect and friendship. You seem to actively dislike the man which is not exactly a healthy basis to be living under the same roof together.

DesdemonaDryEyes · 01/10/2021 15:11

This is absolutely me. My life is fine. DH is useful. If I lived alone I wouldn’t have someone to look after the pets whilst I’m away. His pension is much larger than mine so allows me to waft rather than work.

He is older than me and happy to potter in his workshop.

Original poster
GoodnightGrandma · 01/10/2021 15:14

@Torres10

@ GoodnightGrandma Absolutely where you are (with the exception of the menopause impact, but HRT changed that for me) , so you have my sympathies.

It is very difficult to make a decision that may have benefits but will also have costs. I think it is a problem many have and struggle to articulate and also to act on as there is not an obvious solution.

I have a counsellor, who is proving helpful. She says, when the time is right for you, you will act, there is no right or wrong definitively, but you will know when that time arrives!

Thank you 💐
OP posts:
Original poster
GoodnightGrandma · 01/10/2021 15:14

@DesdemonaDryEyes

This is absolutely me. My life is fine. DH is useful. If I lived alone I wouldn’t have someone to look after the pets whilst I’m away. His pension is much larger than mine so allows me to waft rather than work.

He is older than me and happy to potter in his workshop.

Thank you 💐
OP posts:
hellcatspangle · 01/10/2021 15:24

We do. I'm not sure what love is really, but we sleep apart, there's no physical contact or affection and I can't recall the last time we said we loved each other.

That said, we do have some common interests and we don't really argue so there's some level of companionship there. I definitely think the menopause has a part in this (esp with me) as for a couple of years I felt like I couldn't stand him - I then started hrt and I no longer feel that way but the love hasn't come back.

I do sometimes think we should separate but the thought of sorting out a house with thirty years worth of crap in it to make it ready to sell puts me off. I don't have any interest in meeting someone else and he seems quite content with the status quo.

Brokeandtired3 · 01/10/2021 15:31

Sometimes I wonder if I'm living some truth to this. I'm only 23 haha...

twoandeights · 01/10/2021 15:39

Meh. Isn’t this most long term old marriages though? Isn’t the reason most arranged marriages last because they go into it like a business arrangement? It’s a contract right? Love and lust..that’s just nature’s way of getting you to procreate when you’re young? From a biology point of view once you’re past 50 what’s the point of all the emotion and drama? I’d rather have a cup of tea, do a jigsaw and eat a bag of kettle chips

Torres10 · 01/10/2021 15:58

@teoandeighhts in some respects I agree, I think now we are living longer and women are more financially independent, I think a lot of marriages reach that stage (maybe a lucky few don't).
I think women tend to find their wings as their family responsibilities dominate less, whereas men reach for their slippers and if you don't grow together, you grow apart.
I guess it depends on what you get out of the relationship once there is just the two of you and if its enough. I think it is a very personal decision, everyone is different. For me, I am trying to be honest with my husband and we have agreed that we will probably separate when the kids leave, just because I need more than just someone to eat kettle chips with..I can do that happily on my own :)

TractorAndHeadphones · 01/10/2021 16:06

@DillonPanthersTexas

Okay, this is turning into a drip feed
MASSIVE drip feed. Honestly OP!
AmberLynn1536 · 01/10/2021 16:16

@DillonPanthersTexas

Okay, this is turning into a drip feed
Agreed this isn’t about a marriage that’s become a companionship, quite to opposite in fact.
TractorAndHeadphones · 01/10/2021 16:19

[quote Torres10]@teoandeighhts in some respects I agree, I think now we are living longer and women are more financially independent, I think a lot of marriages reach that stage (maybe a lucky few don't).
I think women tend to find their wings as their family responsibilities dominate less, whereas men reach for their slippers and if you don't grow together, you grow apart.
I guess it depends on what you get out of the relationship once there is just the two of you and if its enough. I think it is a very personal decision, everyone is different. For me, I am trying to be honest with my husband and we have agreed that we will probably separate when the kids leave, just because I need more than just someone to eat kettle chips with..I can do that happily on my own :)[/quote]
Yes it all depends on what you want from your SO and what you’re expected to do at home.
There are many people who separate but then find they do the exact same thing as with their ex. Just alone. With less money to spend on grand adventures and no ‘more interesting’ partner.
I’m young but seeing my parents/grandparents relationships have made me think…

layladomino · 01/10/2021 16:47

Your update - about feeling resentful - shows that you probably aren't going to be able to live 'contentedly'.

I think two people can live together happily as companions if they still enjoy each others' company, share the workload fairly and neither wants to rekindle any romance.

If either person still has 'romantic' feelings, or thinks the other should wait on them hand and foot, or if you feel resentful / annoyed / can't wait for them to go out, then why would you want to stay living together? The only benefit of living together is if you're happier than if you loved alone. You don't sound like you're happy living with him.

layladomino · 01/10/2021 16:48

*LIVED not loved

JustThisLastLittleBit · 01/10/2021 16:49

Early 50s, I was in a similar boat. H was quite entertaining but irritating and I had zero attraction to him. He was a financial risk too. I thought menopause had killed off sex and strong feelings for me. Slippers and tea beckoned...

Then I thought, fuck that, it's not a life. I chucked him in and set off alone to paddle my own canoe. It's been a rollercoaster but 6 years later I have a fire in my belly for life (and sex, as it happens!). No regrets at all.

Loads of people don't get the chance to make old bones. Don't waste the gift you've been given of a longer life by settling for dull.

gannett · 01/10/2021 17:06

IMO the key to a contented "companionable" relationship should surely be communication - just as it is in a romantic relationship.

You might not love each other in the same way as before but to be contented you have to be willing to talk about whether you're happy and what you want out of the situation. Not just let everything just drift or lapse.

OP said her husband "seems" content and then later revealed that he's on antidepressants and borderline alcoholic. OP: newsflash, he's deeply unhappy, as are you.

There are a few other posters who have said their husbands "seem" content (to fund their lives as ladies of leisure?). I wonder whether they have actually asked their husbands this? Whether their husbands have ever checked whether their wives are OK?

In any non-romantic, companionable friendship there should surely be enough mutual respect that two people can a) talk to each other, b) not take advantage of each other.