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Original poster

Are any of you living contentedly with someone you no longer love ?

124 replies

GoodnightGrandma · 01/10/2021 09:33

I’ve hit the old menopause so don’t want sex anymore.
We sleep in separate rooms due to his snoring and restlessness.
I don’t love him, don’t want to kiss or hold hands, but he seems content enough.
When he does something to piss me off I want to divorce him, but any other time we just live in the same house taking it in turns to cook tea.
His wage pays the bills, I do most of the cleaning, we’d look after each other if we were ill.
Anyone else live like this, it is it just us ?

OP posts:
Morningsaregreat · 01/10/2021 17:38

Very surprised that menopause is used as an excuse not to have sex again. Late 50's, HRT and living my best sex life. If DH went off it then he is on his own.

Flixon · 01/10/2021 17:47

to live contentedly together you have to BE content. You have to LIKE the person you live with, respect them, value them ... Its sounds like none of these ingredients are there OP.. you sound vaguely contemptuous and deeply resentful ...

so your choice is stay for money and security or leave for the unknown ...I agree with the person who said that life is a gift - and to waste it seething resentfully is sad and just a bit pathetic

Livandme · 01/10/2021 17:59

This thread makes me feel really sad.

I think I've experienced similar in my marriage and it wasn't enough for me.
Ive realised after posting my own thread I'm yearning for touch, for physical contact. A hand hold or a hug would help. I've missed it so much and I can't imagine having another relationship in which it was missing. Perhaps from experience I would address it sooner and nip it in the bud.

I know a fair few who live together / married but don't sleep together and lead separate lives
One couple is quite wealthy and I'm sure this impacts the decision, another couple have been together 35+ years and its not going to change. They just plod along.
It wouldn't be enough for me

DFOD · 01/10/2021 18:04

This isn’t about menopause or life drifting. You are taking too much responsibility here and tolerating too much.

You live with a depressed, impotent alcoholic.

He is not available to you emotionally or physically. He is a drain on your own MH and finite resources (energy, headspace, emotional well-being, self esteem, finances)

This didn’t happen over night. And this isn’t going to stay the same. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Even if he doesn’t drink more over time - his physical and mental health will decline further over time - and you will be his carer.

That’s not content.

There is nothing wrong with your libido - he is a thoroughly unattractive (repellent even) prospect. Who would want to shag that?

Do you care for this man or respect him? I know I couldn’t - it doesn’t seem that he cares or respects himself or you.

Get yourself to AA - where they will support you to “detach with love” - and explain how currently this arrangement is inadvertently enabling his addiction.

You deserve much much more than this.

Are there children involved?

DFOD · 01/10/2021 18:05

Al Anon - not AA. Where they support the families of problem drinkers

Mimilamore · 01/10/2021 19:07

We are like you describe, sometimes he infuriates me but on the whole we jog along... we look after one another, share a lot of history, it's companionable...
His health is poor but I am out and about and do some nice things, it's okay!

BatshitCrazyWoman · 01/10/2021 19:21

OP, you get ONE life - I certainly wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life in that sort of resentful tedium. It's your one precious, precious life!

DriverEightt · 01/10/2021 19:37

I'd think many couples might end in such a situation, I'd imagine you are far from alone. Plus the fact that you are both OK with no sex (at least I assume your DH doesn't want to have sex with you) is likely a bonus too.

The bigger issue is when one partner wants sex and the other does not. My DSis was in that situation for a few years. Her DH eventually left after a few years, and luckily he'd happily remarried now. DSis not in a great place, since she's found it hard to find someone who wants a relationship but no sex.

TimeToDateAgain · 01/10/2021 19:44

I understand how life-crushing it can be to part of a relationship where addiction is such a major part.

Do you have no expectation that life could be any better? Either with someone else or by yourself? This might be realistic but I wondered if it's difficult to have any optimism after living so long with the consequences of an addiction.

MoonahStone · 01/10/2021 19:48

What if he was the one to make the first move OP to leave how would you feel about that?

GoodnightGrandma · 01/10/2021 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GoodnightGrandma · 01/10/2021 22:03

@MoonahStone

What if he was the one to make the first move OP to leave how would you feel about that?
Sorry, read that wrong ! I think I’d be relieved.
OP posts:
Branleuse · 01/10/2021 23:17

I think you both sound bored as hell. If you dont love him even as warmly as a good friend then surely one of you is going to want more than that sooner or later. Waste of life really

you could probably do with asking to try HRT.

Campervan69 · 02/10/2021 00:14

Think this is rather sexist

There are a few other posters who have said their husbands "seem" content (to fund their lives as ladies of leisure?). I wonder whether they have actually asked their husbands this? Whether their husbands have ever checked whether their wives are OK?

In my case at least I am the high earner, not always the case nowadays that the husband is funding the wife !

DFOD · 02/10/2021 00:19

That’s a powerful insight - if you would be relieved that he called it - then that is your answer.

You don’t want to be with him but are self sabotaging your own comfort and contentment by handing over your power, destiny and authenticity to the direction of a depressed alcoholic who doesn’t think further than his own navel.

He probably wouldn’t notice if you were there or not.

Don’t set yourself a trap of misplaced obligation.

DesdemonaDryEyes · 02/10/2021 00:30

I have a friend who is in a very happy marriage. Very very happy. They do everything together. Well almost. They have the occasional holiday away with separate friends. But everything else is together.

I’d bloody hate that.

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 02/10/2021 00:44

Alot of truisms here. Life changes so much as you get older. One thing I notice from this and my own experiences is that nothing is perfect. Opting out of a long term marriage could be the best thing you ever do, but it could be a disaster as well. I have witnessed both. My husband is far from perfect, and I am even farther from perfect. Tonight we argued about two silly things but in the end we fixed a broken household item that had outwitted us both and enjoyed the bliss of a shared successful experience. I'll probably still slope off the the spare room later with Mumsnet though. That's alright. I spend a lot of time on my own as we don't live together all the time and that can be quite boring too. I think it is companionship at the end of the day, and the vows, we don't want the wrath of God coming down on us either so better to stick with the contract.

Ladywholoveswine · 02/10/2021 00:46

Have you seen the film Hope Gap? It was eye-opening for me.

Ladywholoveswine · 02/10/2021 00:51

Posted too soon…

As the saying goes, we’re here for a good time, not a long time.

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 02/10/2021 00:57

@Ladywholoveswine

Posted too soon…

As the saying goes, we’re here for a good time, not a long time.

Ooh @Ladywholeoveswine just watched the trailer after you posted that. Not going to watch it with my DH incase he gets any ideas!! Might watch it on my own though.....
Dancingonmoonlight · 02/10/2021 01:06

Ive realised after posting my own thread I'm yearning for touch, for physical contact. A hand hold or a hug would help. I've missed it so much and I can't imagine having another relationship in which it was missing. Perhaps from experience I would address it sooner and nip it in the bud.

I understand the above comment because the poster misses physical touch.

What about the women who don't miss it? Or get it from their kids and that is enough?
If somebody feels there is a gap in their lives, then I understand upping sticks and moving onwards but if they don't miss it, then its different.
I'm not a touchy/feeling person. It makes me feel claustrophobic. Maybe thats a sign that I'm not with the right person. However, I feel that way with whoever I'm with after more than a few hours.....

Spagbolplease · 02/10/2021 08:51

Love and lust..that’s just nature’s way of getting you to procreate when you’re young? From a biology point of view once you’re past 50 what’s the point of all the emotion and drama?

Couldn’t agree more.

Our marriage has got to the point where we are best friends and companions.

I think we’re a bit like Eric and Ernie. Remember how on Morecambe and Wise, they shared a bed? Just lay there having a brew and talking.

We don’t make love anymore, though we greet each other with a kiss in the morning, when we get home from work and a kiss goodnight. And a cuddle on the sofa (where we end up falling asleep).

That seems to suit us fine and he hasn’t said anything to make me think he feels differently, however we spend time together and have our own hobbies.

I think that’s important.

If we spent a lot of time apart, then I think it would be a different story.

Ladywholoveswine · 02/10/2021 09:29

@Lessofallthisunpleasantness - It’s well worth the watch Smile

Original poster
GoodnightGrandma · 02/10/2021 09:34

@Ladywholoveswine

Have you seen the film Hope Gap? It was eye-opening for me.
It’s not free on Sky, so can I ask what happens ? I can see that the father wants a divorce.
OP posts:
overthethamesfromyou · 02/10/2021 09:41

It's on Netflix.
I think it's the whole unravelling of the relationship that's interesting, the fact that they had both been bumbling along, not communicating well, all shot in the most amazing locations and decor.
I watched it on my own as well!