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Original poster

Will I get over my parents not living here?

46 replies

Olivegreenstrawberries · 30/09/2021 21:51

My parents left the country when I was 19. I'm 33 now. I wasn't too bothered at the time but was sad that I didn't get practical help moving into uni. Now that I've got my own two children I am so resentful for them not being here.

My mum loves children, if she was local she would love taking an active role in their life. We can't really afford visiting them and the flight/s are too long for little ones. My mum likes to come over once a year.

My husband's parents aren't with us anymore and I feel so hard done by. My eldest has just started school and I worry a lot about how to get childcare sorted for all the holidays and I feel like no-one else has to worry as they have two sets of grandparents to help out.

I don't want to be bitter about it anymore. I want to accept it. I don't want to feel sorry for myself.

I feel like my children are massively missing out since they've got 4 less people loving them than most.

I'm not really sure what I'm posting for. Sigh

OP posts:

bluejelly · 30/09/2021 22:01

I feel your pain. My mum did similar. I was able to find other support. And ultimately it's her loss. But it still hurt

FeralMeryl · 30/09/2021 23:13

Similar for me, they left for health reasons though, and while I get that, and while at the time it didn't seem that big a deal (& my mum has since died), as the years pass by, I feel somewhat abandoned, and looking back, feel as though I made life changing decisions based on their not being around.

Dh suggested we leave the country after we retire as "it didn't do you any harm", I think "no fucking way am I leaving my children".

I'm sorry, op, I'm no help, I do still feel bitter at times, especially seeing other people with their parents and even grandparents helping out.

SlB09 · 30/09/2021 23:17

I feel this (slightly different situation) but I feel your thought process 100%

De88 · 30/09/2021 23:30

Both our sets of grandparents are around and not too far, our children are loved but neither help with childcare at all.

One set because they're too old, the other set because they don't want to! We always knew we'd never have help with childcare and feel a bit jealous and also a bit righteous tbh when friends get loads of help with theirs... childcare has cost us a bloody fortune but it was our choice to have kids I guess! I do feel a bit sad that there isn't that much of a relationship, but I don't dwell on it really.

Can't change it, or other people, so no point worrying about it 🤷

Gemma2019 · 30/09/2021 23:37

Yeah it's hard, I understand. Both my parents and in-laws were dead before I was your age. It's tough doing everything by yourself and being the only people who give a toss about your kids.

RedSoloCup · 30/09/2021 23:39

Hey totally feel you my parents moved abroad unexpectedly when DD1 was just a baby (she's 16 now), so have never had them about. Do feel resentment sadly when I see how much friends parents help with kids etc

lnsufficientFuns · 30/09/2021 23:40

My parents also legged it when I went to uni

Unfortunately for them. It made me extremely independent and I buggered off years later. They can hardly whinge.

However as a mother now, I can’t believe the shifted continents!

Shellfishblastard · 30/09/2021 23:43

That must be hard. Would you consider moving closer to them?

Overthebow · 30/09/2021 23:47

I understand, my parents did the same. I don’t think I’ll ever get over them choosing to live in another country over being around for me, and now my DC. It’s ruined our relationship.

BasicDad · 01/10/2021 02:09

I think it's quite selfish expecting them to stick around if it's what they want to do.

You're all adults by then. Yes, very young adults, but measure them on how they got you to being the adults you are.

My parents helped and still help massively. I wouldn't resent them one bit if they'd chosen to move countries. Plus, as their children, we're never obliged to stay local, and many don't.

The only thing I'd want, is a little advance warning to get used to the idea. Something like 6-12 months.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 01/10/2021 02:25

Personally, I will hang around as long as my dc need me (which I hope will be always!)
DH has travelling plans to which I am non- comittal. My kids will come first
I completely understand you being upset with your parents decision. My mum died when I was pregnant with dd1, but my dad has been so involved with the kids. My FIL is also dead and MIL is further away but still sees them at times, I think it is important for kids, and for grandparents, so I'm not surprised you are upset. MIL is less involved than I would want her to be, but that is her choice. It's sad , but there's not a lot you can do about it. At the end of the day it's their loss

sammylady37 · 01/10/2021 06:14

Gosh, you talk about them only in terms of what you can get from them- ‘practical help moving to uni’ ‘childcare’ ‘helping out’

Nowhere do you mention that you love them, want to be close to them, miss their company etc.

Before they moved, did you have a close relationship with them?

giggly · 01/10/2021 06:28

I lived abroad for a few years and was shocked at the amount of parents that had left young adult children behind, all around 17-20. I honestly can’t get my head around it. They all quantified their move as “ we’ve done our bit, now we’re doing what we want”. But to move to the other side of the world
I had little sympathy when they moaned about missing out on their grandchildren etc.
I am a parent and middle aged and I still get patented by my parents in their 80’s. When do you stop needing your parents assuming they are fairly decent parents.
OP I don’t think it’s wrong or selfish to expect your parents to have an active role in helping you parent your children whether that’s for occasional childcare of whatever.
I came back from abroad as I needed and wanted my parents in my children’s life.

AbandonAllHalfHope · 01/10/2021 06:34

My parents moved abroad to Australia and dpil are abroad too. So we've had no family around for 14 years. I understand how you feel and feel.the same. To make matters worse my parents' marriage has failed and they are completely toxic to one another. It's so sad to witness from afar. Although that said it's better than being caught in the middle of they lived closer. It's as if they packed up all their troubles with them when they emigrated and brought them too.

Piccalino3 · 01/10/2021 06:41

My parents moved back to my Dad's home country (11 hour flight), with my 17 year year old brother when I was 24 so I do understand. My Mum felt very guilty and I don't think she really wanted to go, I was happy for them at the time as well as sad for me as I was very close to them but at the time I didn't quite see what a huge loss it was to me.

As I've gotten older I do look at that choice and question it. I was an adult but really had no one else in the country as family and at times have really been on my own totally. My Mum died before I had kids and my Dad when my DD1 was a baby so even if they had lived here they wouldn't have been around but I feel a huge need to create stability in my life now for myself and my children and would never consider it an option, although I do appreciate my parents didn't move for a jolly but more for practical reasons. It's hard.

lanbro · 01/10/2021 06:42

I really feel for you, my mum is my rock and I would hate her to be far away...my dad would love to live in a little village in Yorkshire but there's no way my mum is leaving me and my sister and all the grandkids, and that would only take them 100 miles away, not abroad!

layladomino · 01/10/2021 07:24

I really feel for you. As a parent to young adult DCs I can't imagine considering this for a moment. Apart from the fact that young adult children still need their parents' support to some degree - even if 'just' emptional support - I really love spending time with them.

Sorry, that doesn't help you, but I can completely see why it bothers you now.

On a more practical level, having your parents in this country wouldn't have been a guarantee that you'd get help... I was really lucky in the first couple of years to have GP support some of the time, but then due to GPs working, then distance, and later illness, I wasn't able to call on practical help from GPs from DC being quite small. Noone's fault, just circumstances. That's not very unusual. Most of my friends have relied on childminders / working flexibly rather than GPs. So if your parents lived nearby it's no guarantee you'd have more help in that respect.

But I can also see that it must hurt to feel they chose to create that distance. No doubt they felt they had good reasons, or had to do it, but I feel for you.

Morgan12 · 01/10/2021 07:27

I'd feel the same tbh. I can't imagine ever wanting to leave my kids regardless of age. I can't get my head round them not moving back and being in their GCs lives. I feel they will regret that one day.

fortygin · 01/10/2021 07:32

I’m sorry. I’ve been in your exact position. Parents and younger sibling went abroad (3000 miles) to work when I was 19.
It let me with severe separation anxiety but it was my norm and I adapted.
They came back two years ago to retire and I’ll be honest, it’s been a stretch. I feel resentful that my younger sibling got the childcare and the good years and I’m feeling pressured to take on a caring role now.
I’ve had counselling to be able to put up boundaries.
If there is any positive, you did it all yourself and owe them nothing.
I’m proud of how independent my dc and I are and you will be too.

Etonmessisyum · 01/10/2021 07:33

I was 22 sister was 18 when my mum move to Australia if just had a baby and my sister moved to uni. It was tough but she was young and had her own life. You get used to not having them around and adapt. I don’t miss something I never had. My kids have never had grandparents nearby to visit etc and I haven’t relied on anyone. Yes having them closer would be nice, they are back in the country now and about 300 miles away. Apparently now missing us and the distance but most likely because they are getting older and worried about being stuck on their own hundreds of miles away. But people make choices and that was their choice.

I’ve managed for 20 years raising kids, happily I don’t need grandparents nearby for that. Kids still have a relationship with them. They visit. Briefly

Comedycook · 01/10/2021 07:38

Well I agree with you op. I think it's shitty. Remember this when they're very elderly and need assistance

AmanitaRubescens · 01/10/2021 07:43

To be fair, OP, they did their parenting - raised you to adulthood - then got on with the next stage of their lives. Good for them.

Now it's your turn to raise your kids with your DH. To plan and sort out problems together. I'd suggest one of you getting a part time or term time job so you can enjoy the holidays with your DC but I know that is derided on MN because it might derail your career or affect your pension or some other such nonsense.

Izzy24 · 01/10/2021 07:46

Growing up it was just me, 2 siblings and my parents. We had 2 sets of aunts and uncles but they lived too far away to see them often. My parents were quite sociable and we would see some of their friends most weekends.

But Christmas/ holidays etc were always just the 5 of us. And it was brilliant! As a child I can truly say my parents more than made up for the lack of family/grandparents.

No family squabbling or tensions- just a safe and stable childhood. What I’m trying to say is that while I can understand your viewpoint, your children will still have a very happy family life and won’t be aware of any lack (unless you tell them)?

zafferana · 01/10/2021 07:48

YANBU OP. I really despise the attitude that 'we've done our bit, now it's our time'. My DPs weren't perfect by any stretch, but they're still around for me and my siblings now and we're aged 40-50. We were encouraged to spread our wings, but we always knew we had them and our family home as a safety net if we needed it. I don't blame you for feeling resentful and abandoned.

OchreBlue · 01/10/2021 07:57

I'm in the same situation my parents and younger siblings all moved to the other side of the world when I started uni. I had no-one left in the UK with me and still don't. To be honest I don't think you do get over it, it's been 20 years and I still feel the same as you. I was really close to my mum and miss her at all those key times of the year. I still rent whereas my siblings lived at home until they could buy houses. My mum has met my children twice, my eldest was 5 years old when she first met her and my mum was annoyed she didn't act like she was her grandmother. My mum complains we don't visit even though she knows we can't afford it. I don't think the feeling of abandonment goes because that's what happened, and you know it was their choice which makes it feel worse. My mum sends me photos of the lovely days she has with my siblings children who I've never met, I have no relationship with my siblings at all. My coping method is I try to focus on how happy they all are now and be grateful for that and try and separate it from myself. I am happy for them and proud they went for a big dream and achieved it.

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