Will I get over my parents not living here?

[Olivegreenstrawberries]

My parents left the country when I was 19. I'm 33 now. I wasn't too bothered at the time but was sad that I didn't get practical help moving into uni. Now that I've got my own two children I am so resentful for them not being here.

My mum loves children, if she was local she would love taking an active role in their life. We can't really afford visiting them and the flight/s are too long for little ones. My mum likes to come over once a year.

My husband's parents aren't with us anymore and I feel so hard done by. My eldest has just started school and I worry a lot about how to get childcare sorted for all the holidays and I feel like no-one else has to worry as they have two sets of grandparents to help out.

I don't want to be bitter about it anymore. I want to accept it. I don't want to feel sorry for myself.

I feel like my children are massively missing out since they've got 4 less people loving them than most.

I'm not really sure what I'm posting for. Sigh

It's a tough one. My parents moved abroad for half the year when I had 3 little babies/toddlers. They live 100 miles away in the UK anyway but are great to visit. I miss them when they are abroad but I want them to enjoy their retirement not be free childcare. They have a very loving relationship with all my now teens.
I learnt to build up a string network of friends to share childcare etc

@OchreBlue and @fortygin, why didn't you go with your parents/ the rest of your family? Was it your choice?

How far away are they? Did they go ‘home’ or ‘away’ and would they ever want to move back?

To be fair, OP, they did their parenting - raised you to adulthood - then got on with the next stage of their lives. Good for them.

This. Children move overseas all the time and don't worry about how their parents feel about it - why should it be different for the parents who want to move? Honestly, looking upon your parents as childcare for life is just selfish.

Don’t assume that ‘no one’ else has to arrange/pay for childcare. Many, many people don’t have much- or any - unpaid / family help with childcare.

19 years old is very early adulthood and IMO it does seem poor parenting to leave the country with DC of that age.

Adult DC of many ages posting about emigrating are told by many posters to ‘go for it’, ‘live your life’ etc. Parents with adult DC have the same options.

I really despise the attitude that 'we've done our bit, now it's our time'

Yes, god forbid that after parenting for 18+ years, people would want to move onto the next stage of their lives and do what they want to do while they have the health to do so. They should instead martyr themselves on the cross forevermore.

I'm 57 and my dad long dead... I still feel a shard of resentment that he moved abroad when I was pregnant with my first. He and his partner were talking about how lovely it would be to see the grandkids growing up etc... then almost a week later... we're moving to rural France, miles from anywhere, 2 hours from an airport etc.

They were full of being here 4 or 5 times a year (once), and us being able to visit... not really, they were doing up a dump, and babies didn't fit, we went twice and it almost cost my marriage...

Their life, their choice... but people do not exist in a vacuum. You, as was I, are entitled to mourn the major change in a life you anticipated.

I was less able to spend time with my dad when he was dying. I resent that too.

It was not their fault, they were not to blame for anything, but the feelings are still there.

Thought I'd give everyone a little insight from the other side.

I started my family quite young. I didn't have parents and in laws were pretty focused of sil life and children. So we bought ours up alone with no help, childcare etc. It was tough. We never wanted that for our children and grandchildren in the future. So ours are all grown now, families of their own, one at uni, we still have a teen at home though. But anyway I'm a doting granny, if my children need me I'm always willing to help. So over the years I've been running around like a headless chicken giving childcare, school pick ups, babysitting etc. I've enjoyed it.

My dh and I had an opportunity to move away with his work. Only 300 miles away but we couldn't just leave them in the lurch. They now relied on us for a lot. So we turned it down and he's now stuck in a job that he resents.

Few years on and my husbands parents have suddenly become quite frail and need care. Husband baring the brunt of that mostly now. This will continue for years. He's already exhausted working full time then home to go care for them.

Then very recently I've become ill. It's a progressive illness that will leave me disabled. I'm already struggling.

We were sat for a rare bit of palone time recently and were talking about things. We've never really had any time for ourselves. Before we got together I was raising my siblings, he traveled a bit and had a good teenage time. I've spent my WHOLE life looking after other people. All we've done is give our time to everyone else and now we have the very real prospect of spending what years we have left caring for his parents and then my health will fail more and more. We feel so sad and empty about it. We always dreamt of buying a camper van and travelling. It will never happen now. We both agreed we wished we'd been a bit more selfish and pleased ourselves.

I now envy parents who were able to step away and live their lives a bit. I just didn't find that balance

@saraclara I wasn’t given the choice. I was with my exhume and from 15 and was told by my mum that they couldn’t afford to take me with them as I was already working and they originally went on my dad’S work visa.
They did encourage me and ecg to emigrate 5 years later but I had already established myself and was not really in a position to do this.
They stayed 22 years and in that time I got married, had 4 dc and went through my exh cheating and leaving.
They came back for visits every year or so but even that came with the upheaval of my home being turned upside down to accommodate them staying here.

*exh

Why does it seem to be OK for adult children to move away from parents and family, but not parents moving away from adult children?

You want them close for childcare, help and stereotypical 'grandparent' behaviour.

@Prokupatuscrakedatus

Why does it seem to be OK for adult children to move away from parents and family, but not parents moving away from adult children?

You want them close for childcare, help and stereotypical 'grandparent' behaviour.

I think because parenthood is a choice. I personally made the decision to become a parent in the knowledge that I was willing and ready to make a life-long commitment to my children. I think if I’d felt that I would be willing to parent for 18 years, but no longer, I would have gotten a dog.

I was very lucky that my parents continued to support me emotionally and physically (and financially actually) until they were unable to through old age. I made my decision to have children based on the knowledge that I was committing to do that for my own.

My adult children are just the most gorgeous humans and I am so privileged to play an active part in their lives.

We grew up what was then a 3:30 drive (on a good day) from the city our DGPs lived in. So we had no day to day interaction and not that much in the holidays - a number of very busy weekends every year when we visited them and raced over and back across the city got the weekend.

Now, DH and I live in that city (all my DGPs are dead though), and while it's only 2:30 hours most of the time as bypasses and motorways have been built, it's still a long way, day to day isn't possible and we are all too busy at weekends.

Dd went to Creche full time when younger, did after school club until late 5th class when she could go home alone after ECA activities in school, and we paid for a heck of a lot of holiday clubs of various sorts over the years. And most clubs around us were until 2pm, rather than 5/6pm for working folk.

You just do it.

Dh had properly left home in his uni years but I left after uni. Neither of us could get jobs locally where we grew up. In fact, DH had gone abroad for a final uni course but came back for work. And of my family of 6 DCs, I am the only 1 who has not lived abroad at some point (I just do a lot of travel for work instead).

I'm so surprised and relieved to read that other people have the same experience as me - I always thought I was some kind of freak!

My parents went back to their home country (thousands of miles away) when I went to university, taking my two younger siblings with them.

I understood their decision at the time and still do but it has been lonely at times bringing up my own children without family support. They, on the other hand, are bitter and resentful about the fact that I didn't go with them and whenever I visit, they have a few-too-many glasses of wine and pick fights and make remarks about the 'poor' quality of my parenting.

As I say, I accept that leaving was the right decision for them at the time. However, I do feel angry that they can't take responsibility for having made their own choices in life. That feels more damaging than anything.

@sammylady37

I really despise the attitude that 'we've done our bit, now it's our time'

Yes, god forbid that after parenting for 18+ years, people would want to move onto the next stage of their lives and do what they want to do while they have the health to do so. They should instead martyr themselves on the cross forevermore.

I'm not talking about martyring yourself, I'm just saying that if you CHOOSE to have DC it's pretty bloody selfish to just wash your hands of them once they reach 18, which is still really young! There are lots of things that DPs can do to reclaim their independence a bit without fucking off to the far side of the world.

Hi OP. My parents moved 3500 miles away when I was 18 and a week before I started university. Happy to chat in PM if you'd like, I know how you feel and I never have anyone to talk about it with as nobody understands. I love my parents very much and I am happy for them and their life now, but I do feel hurt often and struggle to imagine the future. I am now limited in many ways as my annual leave and holidays are always spent visiting them, and my DP and I can't just go on holiday to all the new places we'd like to see.

Op did they ask you if you wanted to go with them?

I think you might be making up a bit of a fantasy in your own head. If your mum is as great with children as you say - she wouldn't have left you and moved so far away. I know my m'n'law would prefer to live in Australia - but I also know she will never go because her more of her children are in england (she has one in Australia).
So even if you parents had not moved - it doesn't mean they were going to be the perfect grandparents you think they would have been.
I moved across the world away from my family. I actually probably have a better relationship with them now - conversations are more meaningful and time spent together is precious so everyone makes an effort for it to go well.
My children have one grandparent near them and she can be tricky so they are not jumping over themselves to visit that often.
Family does not have to be the family you are born into. Friends are the family that we choose. If you want grandparents in your children's lives - find a lovely older friends to fill that void. Someone who would be honoured to love and care for and be part of your family.

19 is really young imo. Technically you're an adult but nowadays most 19 year olds still need significant support from their parents. This isn't like decades ago when you'd leave school at 16, start working and get married young and pretty much be a fully functioning adult at 19. Most 19 year old are still in education and living at home.

Op, lots of people don't have family childcare and pay for nurseries and childminders. These facilities wouldn't exist if there wasn't demand so you're not alone. I think it's hurtful that they moved away though. They've chosen to live away rather than be close to family. I think that's sad. Once I'm older, I hope I will be there to help my children and potential grandchildren. I wouldn't want to provide full time care or do so much that my own life would be massively impacted but I'd absolutely babysit occasionally and be involved and helpful.

You reap what you sow. Don't help them when they're old.

@saraclara no I didn't have a choice I was in the middle of university and couldn't go on their family visa because I was an adult. My parents made it clear I would have to pay for the process myself which i couldn't afford, and still can't. I fully agree with everyone saying they'd done their bit, time for freedom. It was a lifelong dream for my mum and I'm so happy she's living in the sunshine all the time it's just what she needed. It doesn't stop me also feeling isolated and alone and I was just empathising with the OP. For me it's really not about childcare, it's about that relationship with family that I really miss for myself and my kids. I haven't found that feeling fades over time, it has been renewed each time me or my siblings have a child.