Affair question - does a MM still have sex with his wife?

[Curiousityiskillingthiscat]

If your DH had an affair, were you still having sex before you found out? Basically, do they all lie to the OW about being in a sexless marriage to justify what they’re doing / to make the OW think it’s ok? Or are a lot of men who have affairs really in sexless marriages?

When you enter a relationship with a cheating man, you're not on a level playing field; you don't have the ties ( for lack of a nicer way of putting it) that exist with his wife/partner.

Now I know this man was not initially cheating, and that's how you got caught. You're werebt an OW initially, then he made you one when he moved back in (essentially got back together with his wife whether they a sexual relationship or not) and didn't do the decent thing and end the relationship with you.

But, sane rule applies; you're not in a level playing field. He has every tie with her (and possibly more emotion than he's even have been honest about) and that's what he opted for when he went back and made you a secret.

He chose their marriage then, he made his choice then; you just haven't seen it because he kept seeing you, making promises to you etc. You don't want to give him an ultimatum abd make him make a choice; as dar as I can see hrs already made it, abd I doubt he'll choose differently if you do give him an ultimatum.
What he'll probably do is give you a date in the future, which he then probably won't stick to.

He can find you if and when he finally ends his marriage; and if so the one you'll always choose him, even if someone else if on the scene.

*if he's the one

@Curiousityiskillingthiscat this is a man who lies to his wife so why would he not lie to you ?

Even if he left now and you started a "normal" life together, could you trust him!

My xdh and I were having sex during our entire marriage, all the while he cheated. He even cheated on those he cheated with I later found out. They were both "waiting on him apparently. In fact he was very much still playing happy families and trying to talk me into having another child. I later found out he had apparently been "engaged" to one of these women for a number of years during our marriage . She knew I existed by the way., I used to wonder what shit he made up about me but now I couldn't care less. More fool them and him

As it turns out, I have a happy life with a new partner and he leads a chaotic life and his DC are beginning to see him for what he is. I have never told them any of the circumstances or bad mouthed their Dad.
I feel very sorry for the children in your scenario, having such a shit Dad and their poor mum who may or may not know about you.
Cut your losses and run. He is no prize if capable of doing what he is doing. And this is certainly no love story on his side.
Sorry

I think it's because a man who will suffer a sexless marriage in silence hasn't actually got the get up and go or social skills to manage the complexities of an affair tbh

@poonypoony

I wasn't having sex with my H while having my affair.

My ex stopped having sex with me when she was having an affair, maybe women are more ethical cheaters, is such a thing exists.

It's not about sex !
This is about whether he has a deep connection with his wife. Do they talk about future plans, their inner most feelings. How their day has gone. Do they go out with friends. Have family days etc.
Sex is an act that shows your feelings . In some cases its an act that's just pleasurable and limited feelings are attached to one or both involved .
Is he having a true emotional relationship with his wife. I expect yes. What do they talk about on an evening, do at the weekend ?
Let him go.
Have time to find you and not need men who treat you like nothing and are concerned for themselves.

I dated a man who had lived in a sexless marriage for 7 years. His reasons for staying was that he had kids and he did love her. His reasons for not cheating was that he is not a cheat. He also didn't want to have sex with someone who didn't want to have sex.

So they tried counselling and he did stay in a sexless marriage until they decided to split.

@Sakurami

I dated a man who had lived in a sexless marriage for 7 years. His reasons for staying was that he had kids and he did love her. His reasons for not cheating was that he is not a cheat. He also didn't want to have sex with someone who didn't want to have sex.

So they tried counselling and he did stay in a sexless marriage until they decided to split.

Interesting post - but totally irrelevant to the OPs Q and situation.

Sorry, I guess he didn't cheat but he did stay in a sexless marriage for many years.

I only know of one instance where this is true - a
couple who still live together with their children but are actually divorced. Both have partners and the children are both under the impression that they are still married and that both parents have to work away sometimes when in fact they both just spend regular time living with their actual partners.

It works for them right now but it’s going to be one hell of a mess one day - the partners know the kids as ‘mum and dads friends’ and I can’t help but think that in trying to protect the children from divorce that it’s going to be horrendous once they decide it’s time to tell them.

In any other situation, I would never believe the we don’t have a sex life bullshit. I’d be more inclined to believe yours if the wife knew you as his actual partner.

Certainly my parents were living separate lives under the same roof. I can't remember them sharing a bed.
Separate bedrooms, both telling me they were staying just for me.
I suspect both were waiting for me to go to uni as they knew the divorce was going to be unpleasant & wanted to give me a sort of semi-stability to get through my exams.
Plus I didn't get a grant so they were both still financially involved & entwined in my life until I graduated.
As it happens the divorce wasn't just bitter but very nasty & they ended up with barristers not just solicitors!
If they'd told any of their multiple affairs that they were in a completely sexless marriage & were staying just for their child, they would've been telling 100% the truth.

[quote Curiousityiskillingthiscat]@Lightisnotwhite I’ve been slowly erased. First year Christmas was together, second year Christmas he popped over, third year his children needed him and subsequent years the expectation he is staying home.

This is making me so angry even writing this out. I’m so mad at him at the moment. Because clearly only 1 in 10000000000 men are actually in sexless marriages.

I need to walk away from this. In so many ways this is worse than my divorce. I hated my husband so it was easy to leave him in the end. It’s a damn sight harder to walk away from someone you love.[/quote]
You're hung up on the "sexless" part of their living arrangement yet use phrases like "when he was separated" and from this post he quite clearly is back together with her.

You are the affair partner. He is cheating on his wife and has been for 5 years.

I'm so sorry lovely but it's time to move on, not issue ultimatums.

He gets two women (presumably his wife is not involved with anyone else?).

His wife (unknowingly) gets half a man.

You (knowingly) get half a man (or probably less than half by the sounds of it).

Who's the only person "winning" in this situation?

He gets pretty much everything he thinks he needs/wants wants this time. His family together, and you on the side.

You're accepting crumbs.

She'd be devastated if she found out.

Maybe you love him but I'm not so sure he lives anybody. That is some level of deception and duplicity to be carrying on for 5 years.

Does it actually matter if he physically fucks her; he's fucking her - and you - in every other way possible.

He's even got you brainwashed (or you're brain washing yourself) with the good guy/soul mate/"the one" schtick.

Everyone encounters weirdos on online dating, unfortunately you have to trash sift and keep looking until you find the odd decent one.

Thus guy is not single (doesbt matter if he still dhags his wife or not). Being single should be a basic prerequisite for your relationship criteria.
Sorry but he knew you were battered from your marriage, and worn down by dating experiences .. he knew you were vulnerable, he knew you'd accept less than you should; that's why he kept seeing you after he moved back into the family home and essentially got back together with his wife; and why you kept seeing him. Someone in a better place, with better boundaries would have said "OK, all the best, give me a shout if and when you sort your life out, bye bye".

It's time tk do what you should have done then.

Block him and find someone who does want to spend Christmas with you.

(He also knew you were in live with him, thought he was the best thing since sliced bread, had him on a pedestal as "the one" abd he's then advantage of that; he's not the good person you think he is).

Sorry for the silence. I told him last night he had to decide and that I wouldn’t wait any longer, that I felt used and in “second place” and I need to move on. He didn’t realise me waiting like this was hurting me so much. He told me this morning again that they are merely co-habiting and I have to trust him. He has sworn he is moving out again imminently and if had known that me waiting for him would risk losing us he wouldn’t have asked me to wait so long. We will see.

For everyone asking why the sex is such a big deal for me- it’s because that really is the basis of an intimate relationship. Sharing a bed means you aren’t just “doing it for the children” it’s for you. And your marriage. So yes, it shouldn’t matter, but the reality is I understood and forgave living together for the children and for financial reasons but the thought of them sharing a bed horrified me given the promises that were made to me. And whilst I wrote this I know so many people will see me as the other woman, I wasn’t when we met and have never been able to let go of that.

I know some of the responses are judging me as an OW but I didn’t set out to become this person. I never would. I was single, as was he at that point in time and for the couple of years that followed. It’s just been recent covid years I’ve doubted everything

He’s using all the old lines in the book.
Get some self respect and end communication with him.
You sound like you think he may be cheating on you with his wife by having sex with her which is bonkers. You are his bit in the side.

And he's back in the game...

Do you seriously believe his bullshit?

He's making a monumental mug out of you. He's a horrible man with awful morals and you are choosing to ignor that, trusting that he is actually a decent person.

Look I look like a cross between Audrey Hepburn, Angelina Jolie and Jenifer Lopez, if I offered myself up on a plate, to him do you think he would turn me down for the love of you?

This man is an opportunist, has no integrity, has lied to two women (maybe more) for five solid years, day in, day out. That takes a special type of cunt and an inordinate ammount of self entitlement.

He doesn't love you, he doesn't love his wife, HE LOVES HIMSELF.

That's it, the details of how you got here are irrelavant, he's got you lying to yourself.

Take back your own life, your own morals and integrity, start again without this narcisistic playboy, who is laughing behind your back at you.

I wasn’t when we met and have never been able to let go of that.

That's one of your problems here.

When you fell in love with him, he was single and you werent the other woman.... but things changed; he changed them. He got back together with his wife even if they're they're intimate. If it's above board and only house sharing for the kids, why can't she be told why are you a secret?

Some people occasionally do house share abd consent while having relationships with other people, but everyone knows, everyone agrees. She hasn't.

It was very hard on you because you didn't start out as the other woman and you were in love (from what you've said) but when he moved back in with her and hid your relationship you should have gotten out.

He did not and does not have the integrity and lack of selfishness to do that
; you would have had to.

Even now, if he really can't see that being his secret/bit on the side while he cohabitation with his wife and pretends you don't exist to her, for 5 fucking years, would be hurtful, frustrating, dissatisfactory etc . Then he's missing all empathy and decency.

I doubt he'll leave now quickly; as I said above, he'll give you another future date .... and probably not even leave then.

He's very selfish, and has no integrity.

What, his wife is unstable so his choice is to deceive her and carry on a hidden relationship behind her back for five years abd counting ..... yeah, that'll make her more stable. That's such a responsible, moral thing to do. Wouldn't it be better tk set her free abd after a period of adjustment she could find another partner; why do i think he actually wouldn't want that.

That's not even getting onto you.

You've fallen fir all the lines, including the "one" one and you're accepting crumbs.

Set him a deadline to leave (totally and unequivocally) and stick to it. Not his deadline, yours.

Even if he does, honestly don't think this bloke is trustworthy.

I fear that you will find yourself still waiting for some time yet. Or he'll move out then have a reason to move back again.

If you are still convinced there is a chance of this being a great relationship, then tell him you're putting a stop to your relationship. If he's serious about moving out quickly and being with you seriously, then he can let you know once he's free to be with you. You aren't waiting for him in the meantime, so the longer he leaves it the more chance you'll have moved on. Then stop communicating with him.

That way, you'll see how serious he is about you. If he still hangs around and comes up with excuses, then he was never serious and prefers living with his wife.

And if he really loves you he'll move out and make his relationship with you public very quickly.

Either way you'll know where you stand, you'll save yourself more wasted time, and you'll have made it clear to him that you know your worth.