Affair question - does a MM still have sex with his wife?

[Curiousityiskillingthiscat]

If your DH had an affair, were you still having sex before you found out? Basically, do they all lie to the OW about being in a sexless marriage to justify what they’re doing / to make the OW think it’s ok? Or are a lot of men who have affairs really in sexless marriages?

It's a really difficult situation. I went through a similar scenario years ago.

Both committed. Both in failing relationships on our way out. I was getting out of my failing relationship honourably and it looked like he was too, at first. We introduced each other to families and friends.

Then he started to reverse and I became the OW, a position in which I never wanted to find myself in.

Being told to be patient. To wait. That things will change.

I knew the 'ex wife not ex wife' from work and she did have a reputation of being manipulative, highly strung/difficult/mental health problems and I had seen how difficult she could be with my own eyes.

She had real anger issues and nearly lost her job because of these and bullying somebody in her department, who then left . (I knew if this not through him before we got involved as one of my friends was a director where she worked). She really was a bully and a nasty piece of work. It happens. Not every wife is a victim.

However, I did not want to be with somebody who was not able to confront the bully and confront the situation, I did not want to be somebody who was, ultimately, afraid and who was reversing back into that relationship that he had claimed to hate. Somebody, I realised, who had probably contributed to the mental illness of the ex-not-ex wife.

Reason was telling me that, yes, she was bad but he was probably worse and I was probably the worst to get involved with them both. The drama. The lies. I knew that leaving was the right thing to do rationally, emotionally it was a lot harder.

I did not last 5 years but 8 months in total (we knew each other as colleagues/friends for longer than that). The first three months we were openly together, then 5 months when I had become the other woman.

Things had to be more and more secretive and because there were professional connections this was potentially damaging to my career too.

I left the situation after 8 months, in total suddenly. I did not look back.

I left him, left the job, moved on. It did hurt because when emotions haven't yet caught up with the evidence really hurts.

But it was a positive thing to do. I got my self respect back. I got a better job. I slowly healed.

I do not know how much of this resonates with you, but I hope you find a resolution, and a way forward.

Like anything, it probably depends. I’ve got a friend whose husband had an affair and she and he definitely weren’t having sex during his affair.... but then they weren’t having it before either (and she still took it back. Madness). But I’ve also got other friends where that definitely wasn’t the case.

I think it's very common for people to lie to and say they aren't sleeping with their wife / husband, when actually they are.

Of course there are exceptions. When my marriage broke down there was a good year where we still lived together but no sex. And I'm aware of a couple of friends - one male, one female, who lived sex-free with their OH for a good while. In each case both parties were happy with that arrangement - there was no suggestion of either of them wanting to rekindle anything.

None of them involved another party, but if I / they had met someone else they could have truthfully said they had no remaining relationship with their DH/DW.

BUT I don't doubt that in many (probably most) cases, there is still some sort of relationship happening. You only have to read on these boards, the number of people whose OH has left them / had an affair, and they had no idea they were unhappy - which suggests they were still having sex. And they almost certainly didn't tell the OW that.

In your situation Op, even if they aren't having sex (and the fact you aren't sure must be eating you up) this isn't a good relationship for you. You've been extremely patient, but he can't seriously expect you to put your life on hold and wait for him for an unspecified amount of time?

I know it's easy to say, but I would cut my losses if I were you. This situation must be causing you so much stress. You'd be happier single. And you might just meet someone else - someone who is totally free to be with you and to live a life with you.

All the best.

Why does the sex matter? She has every other relevant and important part of his love, loyalty and commitment. Go find someone who will prioritise you. You deserve so much more than this.

So he gets to play family man AND have you on the side.
What about you, what are you getting? His breadcrumbs.
Even if he easy having sex with her, this doesn't appear to be what you want. Who would?

@aurynne

Affairs often make men hornier, so it is not uncommon that a man having an affair suddenly shows much more passion to his wife too.

This. We were having more adventurous sex if anything...which makes sense now. There was also nothing majorly wrong with our marriage until his affair started but then guilt will kill any marriage I guess.

I think it doesn’t even matter, he’s not getting a divorce organised and moving on to be with you is he?

The whole “my wife doesn’t understand me, we’ve drifted apart, we’re together just for the children, we don’t have sex anymore” etc etc is on the whole absolute bollocks.

The sex or not is a red herring. No one else's experience can tell you whether THIS man is having sex with his wife.

What is blatantly obvious though, is you are not that important to him. If he truly loved you, he would be with you and he would sort out another solution re the children. Who would sacrifice themselves to that extent if they had another person they saw as "the one" they should be with?

You're blaming him but everything he tells you could be true, theoretically. You're still accepting the situation for some future never never.

You should have set your limit long ago and called his bluff. If he could have let you go, you would have had your answer. How dare he think it is ok for you to wait around like this?

Get angry. Call his bluff now. Don't listen to his excuses. Or, just leave and get over it. Stop letting him control your life.

Ask his wife? Tell her he is still seeing you, so she can also decide whether or not she wants to carry on wasting her life.

He was without any doubt the one

despite still believing he is the one

There is no "the one".

You say your ex was abusive, anyone would seem great compared to that.
Plus, as another poster suggested, you're more vulnerable to another abuser after an abusive relationship; maybe he's just a different type or abuser/manipulator.

He moved back in with them with the promise of it just being temporary until she was more stable. 5 years down the line, I’m still wasting my life waiting for him

Does it actually matter whether they shag or not; the bottom line is they're still- in every way that matters - married and together, and hes made you're bit on the side, the secret. You have no official, normal, functional relationship.

"It's only for the kids, it's until the kids are older, my wife is unstable and telling her about you or leaving her will cause her tk plunge into abc" are also among the oldest, classic cheating men's lines .... they're older than the pyramids.

Who knows if he'll ever leave, I bet you never ever thought you'd spend 5 years as his side piece & secret, with them still together as a family.

It's actually hard to believe someone really cares about/loves/respects someone ... to to do this to them, to expect them to accept this. If I picture men i who know with integrity, thry would never have done this (and continue doing it). They would have ended the relationship with you, no.matter how painful/sad .. or they would have stuck out and pushed through the separation with their wife.

He lacks integrity, he's cowardly and selfish, abd he's happy to treat you as lesser, as not deserving an official, functional, full, normal relationship...if you're soft enough to go along with it.

Depressed by wasting all these post-divorce years waiting despite still believing he is the one
Sounds miserable.

You actually remind me a bit of me when my exh was having his affair. Looking back when the real details finally came out, I could have kicked myself for not realising what was going on, as it was so obvious in retrospect. Him coming back from a "work trip" with an amazing tan, etc. etc. Duh! But at the time, it was just a slow drip, drip of new information and the bigger picture eluded me.

It's the boiling frog effect. The water has been heating up gradually and now you're starting to realise that you are in a cooking pot. Your bf is a married man living with his wife. When they were separated, you met his brother? And now?

Of course not all people still in a marriage are sleeping together. Some are even happily not sleeping together. But yes, it's often a lie, as no OW wants to imagine that penis having been somewhere else shortly before. My exh told his mistress that we didn't sleep together and were like brother and sister (a popular line, I believe). Then, later, wanting to complain about the fact that it was tiring having to keep two women happy in bed, he told her that I "must have noticed something" as I had started wanting to sleep with him again. All bollocks, obviously: logically enough, it was when I started to think that he was sleeping with another woman that I stopped sleeping with him.

Loads of married people aren't having much sex, quite a lot are having none. In my friendship group, two us us don't really have sex any more and the other one does but has been with her husband for a much shorter time.

My DP is gorgeous and charismatic. If he told someone else he wasn't having sex at home he'd be telling the truth because we aren't.

You're pinning ending things with him on whether he's lying about not having sex with his wife, but you shouldn't be accepting this even if he isn't!

Your life is on hold, you have no proper relationship, you're a secret (what did he tell the family and friends he introduced you to before he moved back into the family home; are they aware you're still seeing each other, or has he let them believe he ended the relationship with you and you're in the past? How dishonest/deceptive if so.
If not, and they know you're still involved, how deceptive and immoral he is to his "unstable" wife; for everyone but her to know he has another woman).

How long is this going to go on?

If he's the one, you're soul mates etc., if cares so much, and wants to be with ypu; then you would be able to end this "relationship" and know that he will leave and enter a proper relationship with you at some point in the future. It's absolutely certain, right (because he's the one, abd is really a good guy) so what harm is there in you ending this unsatisfactory situation and going off and doing your own thing, whether that be being single, or casual relationships, or less casual relationships if that happens; you'll end up with him when he leaves anyway, right?

The sex thing is irrelevant really. What matters is that he has been cheating and lying consistently for five years. That’s a lot of lies and must take a level of cold hearted calculation that shows how dreadful he is.

And if he won't be with you again if you go off and be single or date etc. because youte not allowed to do that...... says it all really.

You can wait around on him, bit he can't wait around on you.
Even if he isn't still having sex with his wife, he can live with someone else, possibly share a bed with them, cook with them, eat with them, watch TV with them, have outings wity them, holiday with them etc etc but you can't ... you're not allowed to or you're excluded as a future partner (?) If you like being lesser in every way in a relationship, certainly lying keep hanging on and not living your full life.

every man I dated after my divorce was just weird. Except for him - he was perfect
This is the story you told yourself when you met him, but you need to update it. He's very far from being perfect. He's treating you like shit, whether or not he is sleeping with his wife.

I don’t really want to give him an ultimatum , he shouldn’t be leaving because I’m forcing him to. He should want our relationship and all the joy that it has brought in the same way I do
Sure he should. But you already know from his actions that he does not want it.

@TheUnbearable

The sex thing is irrelevant really. What matters is that he has been cheating and lying consistently for five years. That’s a lot of lies and must take a level of cold hearted calculation that shows how dreadful he is.

Yeah, apparently he had to go back because he has an unstable, mentally ill wife; who he's now chosen to cheat on, lie to and no doubt gas light for 5 years. He's lived a double life behind this woman's back for 5 years so far ..... if she truly is how he's painted her, he's chosen to risk her sanity, possibly even her life (and his kids could be affected) if she finds out. Abdbits quite common for people to find out sooner or later.

What a sensible, honest, high integrity man.

(And if that seems like hyperbole, just have a look at the threads on here from.wkmem who've discovered their spouse/partner has been cheating or living a double life fir aby amount of time; with no history of instability or mental health problems, many of them sat they feel suicidal, many of them say they can't see people or relationships the same way even years later).

Often their mental health has been affected by have a (correct) feeling that something is off, but being gas lit that there nothing going on by their husband, even before they found out.

I reiterate; no man with integrity would have done this to you or her.

In my experience, yes we were still having quite frequent sex when my ExH cheated.

He was telling the OW the marriage was over, we had separate rooms, no sex etc.

In reality we were having sex 2-3 times a week, he was telling me he loved me, bought me an eternity ring for our 10 year anniversary (while the affair was going on).

He was constantly brings up us having a 2nd baby together while promising her he was about to leave!! Thankfully I wasn't ready for a 2nd baby at that point and said we should wait about her year as our 1st dc was so young

Life's too short to hang around hoping for half a relationship with someone who's not that bothered.

Better to be free and single and see what life is like when it's just you, doing whatever you like.

Honestly @Curiousityiskillingthiscat I think you're focussing on the wrong thing.
This man has kept you hanging on like a puppet for 5 years..... 5years!!
If he really wanted to be with you - he would be with you.
Even if he now left his wife - can you imagine how complicated your life with him would be with the too-ing and fro-ing back to his family home and the demands of the ex-w and his children??? F*k that sht!!!

I don't think you need to give him an ultimatum - I think you just need to tell him its all over and go out and find yourself a decent man.

You may think this guys is "the one" and is perfect - but he clearly isn't. If he was perfect - you would be together by now.

If they have sex or not is less important than the fact he wants to stay married to his wife. He doesn’t want you full time.