Raising NAMALT comments, or any sort of feminism = being ghosted

[WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo]

I don't do online -after multiple dick pics and ridiculous experiences.

I started dating an 'old' neighbour, not old in age, my age single, academic a former neighbour we both lived in the same village and have since moved-we had a lot in common -he asked me what I was doing one evening -I said I was plotting the storyline to a new book but this one was all woman -as I most recent books I'd read in this genre all had women being 'rescued' by the handsome vet/ next door neighbour etc all male. He replied 'but men are 50%' and I said 'yes but in this case I'm developing female characters, I don't like the idea of a woman expecting a man to rescue her -this woman gets her own problems sorted. He texted 'Not all men are like that ' I replied with a ? saying I wasn't taking about men but women. He asked me if I was 'one of those women' -I asked him to explain. He said 'not all men are taking over types etc' I again said it wasn't about men. He has ghosted me. After talking to me every day for a few months -I haven't heard from him for a couple of weeks. No reason.

I went on a few dates with another. Thought he was really kind. One date he told me he was sick of this 'men blaming culture' he is NAMALT and I said that's the point. Actually it's in everything male entitlement and not realising the fear we have. He said 'Women only get attacked if they aren't careful' eg not wearing short skirts etc -totally missed the SE case -as NAMALT. He must have realised it was finished but no apology and not back in touch (don't worry it's a vomit from me)

I'm feeling such a depression. I've spent 12 years alone apart for a 2 year relationship and marriage. I then spent 4 years alone and dated again -he was a cheater and a liar. Again I found friends telling me 'it was me attracting the wrong sort -or being too trusting'. I have boundaries but have yet to find a man who doesn't just shrug and gets it -gets my fear. gets my independence, doesn't want to change me etc..... it's always my fault for not finding said one. I have a full life, but yes I'd like a companion. But I'm thinking it's not going to happen for me. I have good boundaries and good confidence and I'm bright and intelligent. I just want an equal who respects and understands the violence woman are currently facing.

Where are they?

I wish I knew the answer.

Well done for keeping your boundaries. There are definitely some men out there whp don't require us to lick the boot every time we mention the F word ,i think it's a bit of a numbers game finding them though.

One’s married to me, and a large number of our male friends get it as well, though they are mostly in relationships. So they do exist! Dunno where the single ones are though. It sucks.

I think that you need to realise that the overwhelming majority of men have nothing to offer you. This may sound awful, but they really don’t. They are mediocre, self involved, and millennia of supremacy have led them to believe that any request for equality or understanding on your part is completely unreasonable.

And I say all this as someone with a fantastic male partner, who I’m shortly going to marry, and lots of lovely male friends and relatives. They’re great. However, the majority of men have little to no worth, in my opinion.

My advice, if you want it, is to go back online. State what you’re looking for very clearly, set your geographical parameters as wide as you can bear, and then be ruthless. Don’t give your number to anyone you haven’t met (there’s absolutely no need, it makes them harder to get rid of and increases the chances of dick pics exponentially). Immediately stop engaging with anyone who isn’t what you’re seeking. If an adult man cannot understand the rudimentary basics of feminist theory or women’s lived reality, do not attempt to explain them to him. There is no purpose to those sorts of conversations. If he wanted to know, he would already have informed himself.

You're weeding out arseholes. That's good.

Be wary though of right on men as well who often turn out to be massive misogynists.

Grim isn't it.

I think its polarisation. Driven by things like social media.

Decent men do understand/ empathise with women facing bad male behaviours. But it is wearing when you point out that men face bad behaviours as well and are met with, well it simply doesn't compare to what women face. As if that invalidates his experiences.

My view is that we are turning the tide. Our vocalisations are changing things. Most of our peer men, men alive today, dont want the change or resist it. So we either sack them off or capitulate.

Be independent but keep the door open. You never know. But be fully independent anyway, and, I'm sorry. It reminds me of that Judy Dench film where the sisters find a violinist on the beach in the war. She cries because she didn't get to fall in love as all the men were killed in the war. Her generation was affected by that. Our generation is affected by this.

I'm married to one of the nice ones.

I found him in a pub if that helps!

@Choccy01

I think its polarisation. Driven by things like social media.

Decent men do understand/ empathise with women facing bad male behaviours. But it is wearing when you point out that men face bad behaviours as well and are met with, well it simply doesn't compare to what women face. As if that invalidates his experiences.

It's not just behaviour.

Men don't get asked to wear high heals for a job, for instance, or do they? Perhaps we just don't hear about it.

It's not a race to the bottom, it's the small, constant, everyday things many women face at home, at work, when out and travelling in between. Do men face the same constant grinds?

I hear you OP. The amount of times I've heard lately that white men are now the most oppressed and disadvantaged group of all (from white men, obviously) makes me sick.

I'm not sure he quite "gets it", but a man i recently started seeing has definitely had his eyes opened in the time he's spent with me. The constant harassment, planning routes ahead, walking at night, I even had a man follow me from the bar back to our table insisting I go to a hotel to have sex with him.

I've no idea if he "gets it" (probably not) but he's certainly the first man I've met in many years (including all my male relatives ) to not bury his head in the sand and deny our experience as dramatics or hysteria.

This doesn't help you, but I think the tide is turning. Women now believe that if men want to spend time with us, they need to respect us.

@frozendaisy it does feel like a race to the bottom.

I don't see much evidence of any type of understanding of male issues which seems odd given so many on here seem to want a competent, decent and well rounded partner.

The men on here that actually try to.explain what it's like for men seem to get ignored or dismissed.

I will emphase that we do understand the issues women face and we aren't trying to deny that.

@Choccy01

I will emphase that we do understand the issues women face and we aren't trying to deny that.

But who is "we"? Because in most women's experiences, a huge number of men don't understand the issues women face and do deny them at least on some level. Whether that's outright saying there's no such thing as sexism in the workplace or more 'micro' examples such as not pulling up friends who make sexist or misogynist remarks every single time they do it - for the greater good.

Even in your post just now you've dismissed the common female experience by making it about men. Can you maybe try to see that?

A woman has said she feels frustrated with the NAMALT stance so many blokes take and your response is that women don't try to understand the male experience either. Thereby making it about men.

Then saying 'we' as regards men when it's life experience that informs women most men don't make overt, consistent efforts to acknowledge or challenge sexism because they aren't directly affected negatively by it.

I'm not attacking or dismissing you, just trying to explain the frustration.

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@Choccy01

I will emphase that we do understand the issues women face and we aren't trying to deny that.

But who is "we"? Because in most women's experiences, a huge number of men don't understand the issues women face and do deny them at least on some level. Whether that's outright saying there's no such thing as sexism in the workplace or more 'micro' examples such as not pulling up friends who make sexist or misogynist remarks every single time they do it - for the greater good.

Even in your post just now you've dismissed the common female experience by making it about men. Can you maybe try to see that?

A woman has said she feels frustrated with the NAMALT stance so many blokes take and your response is that women don't try to understand the male experience either. Thereby making it about men.

Then saying 'we' as regards men when it's life experience that informs women most men don't make overt, consistent efforts to acknowledge or challenge sexism because they aren't directly affected negatively by it.

I'm not attacking or dismissing you, just trying to explain the frustration. [/quote]
Spot on

I feel 99% certain that if something happened to my relationship with DH that I would most likely remain single forever. Because there are so few that truly properly get it. DH is one but that is at least partly because as a person he is the type to really examine his feelings and reactions and then incorporate new beliefs if necessary. More so than most people (men or women).

I'm sorry OP, I don't have an answer for you.

It’s silly to get depressed over only meeting and rejecting a few men as incompatible with you. Your ex, a “cheater liar” past bf and 2 others hardly represents all men! Just keep on looking and don’t be ashamed for weeding out ones you don’t get along with.

@something2say

My view is that we are turning the tide. Our vocalisations are changing things. Most of our peer men, men alive today, dont want the change or resist it. So we either sack them off or capitulate.

Be independent but keep the door open. You never know. But be fully independent anyway, and, I'm sorry. It reminds me of that Judy Dench film where the sisters find a violinist on the beach in the war. She cries because she didn't get to fall in love as all the men were killed in the war. Her generation was affected by that. Our generation is affected by this.

She cries because she didn't get to fall in love as all the men were killed in the war. Her generation was affected by that. Our generation is affected by this.

This is extremely profound. Even things we take for granted as "human rights" are not guaranteed. Generations can be "lost", or impaired, and history does not move in only one direction.

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@Choccy01

I will emphase that we do understand the issues women face and we aren't trying to deny that.

But who is "we"? Because in most women's experiences, a huge number of men don't understand the issues women face and do deny them at least on some level. Whether that's outright saying there's no such thing as sexism in the workplace or more 'micro' examples such as not pulling up friends who make sexist or misogynist remarks every single time they do it - for the greater good.

Even in your post just now you've dismissed the common female experience by making it about men. Can you maybe try to see that?

A woman has said she feels frustrated with the NAMALT stance so many blokes take and your response is that women don't try to understand the male experience either. Thereby making it about men.

Then saying 'we' as regards men when it's life experience that informs women most men don't make overt, consistent efforts to acknowledge or challenge sexism because they aren't directly affected negatively by it.

I'm not attacking or dismissing you, just trying to explain the frustration. [/quote]
Pull up every perceived 'micro aggression'. Where does it start and where does it end...

Surely all you really need in a partner is an equal that respects you, treats you well and enjoys your time together. You then do the same.

If you bring an agenda to dating (which it appears the OP is bordering upon) then you're probably not doing it for the right reasons. You might find someone that believes in the same or maybe you find someone that's indifferent but doesn't challenge the views.

I think society has moved on considerably in terms of equaity, rights for minority groups and a lot of old fashioned views are now stamped out very quickly. It's a generational thing but I think great strides have been made in the last two generations.

On the last paragraph I think I'm kind of making the same point in that we have the same frustrations about perception v reality.

Some men are realy intimidated by women who dare to suggest that a woman is capable if taking care of herself. These men are mostly bastards though.

I think there may have been some sort of misunderstanding with guy one. When you mentioned the characters not needing a'neighbour' to rescue them. He may have thought you were referring to not liking the way he was treating you?

But the second guy was basically steaight up telling you he was a sexist. You doged a bullet there.

@Choccy01

Appreciate you responding but it doesn't feel like you really took on board what I was saying.

Pull up every perceived 'micro aggression'. Where does it start and where does it end...

Youve used the word perceived and also put micro aggression in inverted commas - can you see that this is very dismissive of the issue at hand? Genuine question - as that's an example of you as a man responding to a woman who gave examples (men not pulling up their friends on sexist / misogynist remarks) and you've minimised this issue by using that word and inverted commas.

Surely all you really need in a partner is an equal that respects you, treats you well and enjoys your time together. You then do the same.

Yes, that's what I need in a partner absolutely.

And for as many people as possible to be in relationships like that, society as a whole needs to tackle sexism and misogyny.

My goal in life isn't just to have a partner. I have a wonderful one.

I want to be happy, feel safe and live in a world where equality exists. I am happy in my personal life but I often feel unsafe and am reminded constantly by current affairs as well as lived experience that equality is a long way off for women and men.

It isn't enough to say well you just need to meet a nice bloke who respects you. It's ok for us to meet that bloke and still feel sad and shit that there aren't more of them. That lad culture excuses and minimises sexism and misogyny. That women aren't protected enough when it comes to crimes being inflicted or sentencing of their attackers after those crimes have happened.

I know that if you had the experiences we had as girls and women you would immediately get it. You'd feel sad, angry and heartbroken at so much stuff you probably don't even register now because you happened to be born a man. But that shouldn't stop you listening to women and girls experiences and believing them.

I think society has moved on considerably in terms of equaity, rights for minority groups and a lot of old fashioned views are now stamped out very quickly. It's a generational thing but I think great strides have been made in the last two generations.

Some old fashioned views are stamped out quickly by some people. Many aren't by many other people.

When it comes to generations while you're factually accurate that much has changed (my mum isn't even 70 but when my parents got their first home she wouldn't have been allowed to take a mortgage out alone, my cousin isn't even 50 but she had to do home ec at school while male counterparts did carpentry etc etc) that doesn't mean that the current state of play is 'good enough.'

It isn't. The micro aggressions aren't perceived to the person on the receiving end. The micro aggressions don't need to be in inverted commas, unless you don't think they exist?

Minimising and dismissing very real concerns is disappointing. It halts progress.

I don't know if you have daughters but if you do, just as a small example please try to understand how differently they feel walking somewhere when it's just turned dark in comparison to a male the same age. Just a simple walk. Because the micro aggressions that go unchallenged all have a contributing effect to worse behaviour going unchallenged and accepted which in turn has a contributing effect to outright aggressive or violent behaviour.

It's only by challenging it at a grassroots level that we can stop that progression in as many cases as possible. And we can't do it alone, as women. We are exhausted of being told things are just perceived or having our difficulties put in inverted commas to invalidate them.

For the women and girls in your life, try to understand that this isn't an attack on the good guys. We love the good guys. We adore them, we have children with them, we marry them. We want them to challenge wider behaviour that is harmful to women and equality. We want them to hate the bad guys as much as we do and recognise that those bad guys have likely had an accumulation of experiences that allowed their sexism and misogyny to develop.

Please, try to centre women in discussions about equality. We don't want to take away from men. We aren't trying to take anything from you. We want you to stand up for us, to be on our team, to speak out, to stand with us.

Join us. There's no downside to you doing so. You might lose friends who are sexist. You might not work in places with a sexist culture. That shouldn't be a loss to you - you shouldn't want to keep sexist people in your life or perpetuate the dangers women face because not enough men are challenging lad culture.

Seriously, join us don't dismiss us.

@PlanDeRaccordement

It’s silly to get depressed over only meeting and rejecting a few men as incompatible with you. Your ex, a “cheater liar” past bf and 2 others hardly represents all men! Just keep on looking and don’t be ashamed for weeding out ones you don’t get along with.

It's 30 odd years of dating them not just the ones mentioned -so it's not silly that I feel depressed. I was really down about it -so thanks to the many posters who feel my pain. I'm 'happy' alone with my kids but would love a life partner. I've worked on myself -it's not me. It is definitely the men out there.

I've lost 5 'good' male friends recently who basically despite me making it clear that they were friends acted with horror that 'I was turning down a shag with them as surely as a feminist I was no strings sex' and when I said now -they kept going on about it -so snip snip friendships gone. a couple I had known for 10 years and one for 30!

I'll give you a good seeing to -that will cheer you up comments etc.

Thanks so much to everyone who replied. The tide must turn at some point and I'll find someone who feels the same as me.

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@Choccy01

Appreciate you responding but it doesn't feel like you really took on board what I was saying.

Pull up every perceived 'micro aggression'. Where does it start and where does it end...

Youve used the word perceived and also put micro aggression in inverted commas - can you see that this is very dismissive of the issue at hand? Genuine question - as that's an example of you as a man responding to a woman who gave examples (men not pulling up their friends on sexist / misogynist remarks) and you've minimised this issue by using that word and inverted commas.

Surely all you really need in a partner is an equal that respects you, treats you well and enjoys your time together. You then do the same.

Yes, that's what I need in a partner absolutely.

And for as many people as possible to be in relationships like that, society as a whole needs to tackle sexism and misogyny.

My goal in life isn't just to have a partner. I have a wonderful one.

I want to be happy, feel safe and live in a world where equality exists. I am happy in my personal life but I often feel unsafe and am reminded constantly by current affairs as well as lived experience that equality is a long way off for women and men.

It isn't enough to say well you just need to meet a nice bloke who respects you. It's ok for us to meet that bloke and still feel sad and shit that there aren't more of them. That lad culture excuses and minimises sexism and misogyny. That women aren't protected enough when it comes to crimes being inflicted or sentencing of their attackers after those crimes have happened.

I know that if you had the experiences we had as girls and women you would immediately get it. You'd feel sad, angry and heartbroken at so much stuff you probably don't even register now because you happened to be born a man. But that shouldn't stop you listening to women and girls experiences and believing them.

I think society has moved on considerably in terms of equaity, rights for minority groups and a lot of old fashioned views are now stamped out very quickly. It's a generational thing but I think great strides have been made in the last two generations.

Some old fashioned views are stamped out quickly by some people. Many aren't by many other people.

When it comes to generations while you're factually accurate that much has changed (my mum isn't even 70 but when my parents got their first home she wouldn't have been allowed to take a mortgage out alone, my cousin isn't even 50 but she had to do home ec at school while male counterparts did carpentry etc etc) that doesn't mean that the current state of play is 'good enough.'

It isn't. The micro aggressions aren't perceived to the person on the receiving end. The micro aggressions don't need to be in inverted commas, unless you don't think they exist?

Minimising and dismissing very real concerns is disappointing. It halts progress.

I don't know if you have daughters but if you do, just as a small example please try to understand how differently they feel walking somewhere when it's just turned dark in comparison to a male the same age. Just a simple walk. Because the micro aggressions that go unchallenged all have a contributing effect to worse behaviour going unchallenged and accepted which in turn has a contributing effect to outright aggressive or violent behaviour.

It's only by challenging it at a grassroots level that we can stop that progression in as many cases as possible. And we can't do it alone, as women. We are exhausted of being told things are just perceived or having our difficulties put in inverted commas to invalidate them.

For the women and girls in your life, try to understand that this isn't an attack on the good guys. We love the good guys. We adore them, we have children with them, we marry them. We want them to challenge wider behaviour that is harmful to women and equality. We want them to hate the bad guys as much as we do and recognise that those bad guys have likely had an accumulation of experiences that allowed their sexism and misogyny to develop.

Please, try to centre women in discussions about equality. We don't want to take away from men. We aren't trying to take anything from you. We want you to stand up for us, to be on our team, to speak out, to stand with us.

Join us. There's no downside to you doing so. You might lose friends who are sexist. You might not work in places with a sexist culture. That shouldn't be a loss to you - you shouldn't want to keep sexist people in your life or perpetuate the dangers women face because not enough men are challenging lad culture.

Seriously, join us don't dismiss us. [/quote]
Thank you for posting this -it is how I feel.

I'm bringing up my son to respect, pull his weight, he used to say 'I've done this for you mummy' and we've changed that to 'Mummy I've really helped out with the housework -can I show you what I've done as I'm proud of it' my daughters are aware of the mental load and physical and emotional load. They are aware of their worth.

For the women and girls in your life, try to understand that this isn't an attack on the good guys. We love the good guys. We adore them, we have children with them, we marry them. We want them to challenge wider behaviour that is harmful to women and equality. We want them to hate the bad guys as much as we do and recognise that those bad guys have likely had an accumulation of experiences that allowed their sexism and misogyny to develop.

As Julie Bindel says, feminism is the most optimistic movement in the world 🙂

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@Choccy01

Appreciate you responding but it doesn't feel like you really took on board what I was saying.

Pull up every perceived 'micro aggression'. Where does it start and where does it end...

Youve used the word perceived and also put micro aggression in inverted commas - can you see that this is very dismissive of the issue at hand? Genuine question - as that's an example of you as a man responding to a woman who gave examples (men not pulling up their friends on sexist / misogynist remarks) and you've minimised this issue by using that word and inverted commas.

Surely all you really need in a partner is an equal that respects you, treats you well and enjoys your time together. You then do the same.

Yes, that's what I need in a partner absolutely.

And for as many people as possible to be in relationships like that, society as a whole needs to tackle sexism and misogyny.

My goal in life isn't just to have a partner. I have a wonderful one.

I want to be happy, feel safe and live in a world where equality exists. I am happy in my personal life but I often feel unsafe and am reminded constantly by current affairs as well as lived experience that equality is a long way off for women and men.

It isn't enough to say well you just need to meet a nice bloke who respects you. It's ok for us to meet that bloke and still feel sad and shit that there aren't more of them. That lad culture excuses and minimises sexism and misogyny. That women aren't protected enough when it comes to crimes being inflicted or sentencing of their attackers after those crimes have happened.

I know that if you had the experiences we had as girls and women you would immediately get it. You'd feel sad, angry and heartbroken at so much stuff you probably don't even register now because you happened to be born a man. But that shouldn't stop you listening to women and girls experiences and believing them.

I think society has moved on considerably in terms of equaity, rights for minority groups and a lot of old fashioned views are now stamped out very quickly. It's a generational thing but I think great strides have been made in the last two generations.

Some old fashioned views are stamped out quickly by some people. Many aren't by many other people.

When it comes to generations while you're factually accurate that much has changed (my mum isn't even 70 but when my parents got their first home she wouldn't have been allowed to take a mortgage out alone, my cousin isn't even 50 but she had to do home ec at school while male counterparts did carpentry etc etc) that doesn't mean that the current state of play is 'good enough.'

It isn't. The micro aggressions aren't perceived to the person on the receiving end. The micro aggressions don't need to be in inverted commas, unless you don't think they exist?

Minimising and dismissing very real concerns is disappointing. It halts progress.

I don't know if you have daughters but if you do, just as a small example please try to understand how differently they feel walking somewhere when it's just turned dark in comparison to a male the same age. Just a simple walk. Because the micro aggressions that go unchallenged all have a contributing effect to worse behaviour going unchallenged and accepted which in turn has a contributing effect to outright aggressive or violent behaviour.

It's only by challenging it at a grassroots level that we can stop that progression in as many cases as possible. And we can't do it alone, as women. We are exhausted of being told things are just perceived or having our difficulties put in inverted commas to invalidate them.

For the women and girls in your life, try to understand that this isn't an attack on the good guys. We love the good guys. We adore them, we have children with them, we marry them. We want them to challenge wider behaviour that is harmful to women and equality. We want them to hate the bad guys as much as we do and recognise that those bad guys have likely had an accumulation of experiences that allowed their sexism and misogyny to develop.

Please, try to centre women in discussions about equality. We don't want to take away from men. We aren't trying to take anything from you. We want you to stand up for us, to be on our team, to speak out, to stand with us.

Join us. There's no downside to you doing so. You might lose friends who are sexist. You might not work in places with a sexist culture. That shouldn't be a loss to you - you shouldn't want to keep sexist people in your life or perpetuate the dangers women face because not enough men are challenging lad culture.

Seriously, join us don't dismiss us. [/quote]
That's really well written and I'll take some of it away.

But two things, 1. do you challenge bad female behaviour 2. From my experience women aren't necessarily attracted to the good guys. They are attracted to a group of men which disproportionately then appear to represent the behaviours that are claimed to apply to all men.

@Choccy01

But two things, 1. do you challenge bad female behaviour 2. From my experience women aren't necessarily attracted to the good guys. They are attracted to a group of men which disproportionately then appear to represent the behaviours that are claimed to apply to all men.

Ah see you really aren't getting it.

Again you've brought the conversation back to female behaviour and females being culpable for male behaviour.

FWIW yes I do challenge males or females when they say something sexist, misogynist, racist etc if it is safe for me to do so eg I know them. But I as a woman cannot for example safely challenge a group of blokes where one or two or more of them are saying sexist or misogynist things - because I don't know if I will then be at risk.

That's why men need to stand up and speak out within their friendship groups or workplaces - because they need to challenge people they know when they say these things and can do so more safely than women AND being challenged or shunned by men they know is going to give them more cause to rethink their attitude than a woman they don't know like me walking up to them and challenging them. We get laughed at, told to lighten up, threatened and the perpetrators mates more often than not stand by silently. It's time for men to be more horrified by misogyny and sexism than they are by the idea of pissing off a sexist and misogynist mate.

And I don't like 'bad boys' and your comments on that are very nice guy syndrome with a blanket view that women are attracted to men who display the behaviour we are discussing, so we are to blame for those men's behaviour somehow.

In MY experience as a woman, most women are not more attracted to men who say sexist, misogynist, derogatory things. Most (the vast, vast majority) women would be turned off someone if they knew they had nicknamed a colleague 'the rapist'.

If you can state as you have done above when speaking about 'women' that 'they are attracted to a group of men' who display the negative behaviours we've discussed then I can only imagine you're either hanging out with the wrong people or you're misinterpreting anecdata - for example on MN there will always be way more women posting about arsehole men than nice men because why would someone start a thread about a relationship that has no issues and is loving and kind? That doesn't mean most women have chosen to be with arseholes.

And finally, please try to see that you've brought the conversation back entirely to female culpability. To women doing 'the wrong things' or not doing enough.

We are EXHAUSTED. We've tried so very hard to explain all of this for decades and have had responses with the behaviour you've displayed on this thread alone - dismissal, minimisation and consistent NAMALT or blaming women for male behaviour.

We are so tired.

@youvegottenminuteslynn said pretty much everything I was thinking.

Are you single Choccy because you do sound a bit resentful. Like woman aren't attracted to you because you're the "nice guy" and they only like the "bad guys". But you're not coming across as a good guy. You're coming across as someone who is consistently telling women that we are wrong, that we are to blame. That the things we care about are silly and inconsequential. Of course we all want a partner who loves us, respects us and treats us kindly. But I wouldn't date a man who treated me like gold but was a raging racist. why would I date a man who was kind to me while accusing women of "asking for it" if they wear short skirts or who could't see that the police's acceptance of bad behaviour from their offices is okay? There are all kinds of situations where someone might be nice to me but I'd decide I don't want them in my life because of the way they think or their actions when they are not with me.

It's true that I don't need my DH to think like me on everything. For example, he likes different movies to me, and would go to a live music gig 3 times a week if he could. That's a minor issue that is not necessary for us to be on the same page about for our relationship to work. But misogyny is not in this category. Although it sounds like you think it is,