"Your Dad Makes My Life Hell"

[FuggyPidding]

This is what my Mum said to me on the phone last night.
Now what do I do with that information?

I've name changed for this but have posted about my parents' relationship before. They're both mid-70s and been married for nearly 50 years - though I've no idea why or how. They're completely different people. Mum is kind, caring, thoughtful, positive, sociable... Dad is critical, miserable, bully-ish, negative, anti-social... They like different things and have different outlooks on life. Even little things like my Dad drinks and smokes but Mum doesn't (and doesn't like it when Dad does). She wants to go out and see people, he chooses to stay in, watch TV and sleep in the afternoons.

Every so often, my Mum will just casually drop into conversation something along the lines of 'your Dad was in one of his moods again'... or 'your Dad is being hard work'... or 'your Dad has been saying I've put on weight'... or 'your Dad has been flying off the handle again'... or yesterday's little nugget - 'Your Dad makes my life hell'.
But she'll drop these in after she's talked about the weather or before she mentions something in the news, and she flits from one conversation to the next and when I ask her to go back to what she's just said about Dad or explain things further, she just dismisses it and tells me 'not to worry'.

So yesterday, I ended up ringing her back basically saying, if what she is saying about Dad is true (which I know it is), then we need to talk about it properly and something needs to change. She just laughed it off - though I think my dad was there so she probably couldn't talk even if she wanted to.

It's just frustrating though. This has been going for YEARS. I've said to her before that she doesn't have to put up with it, that if she isn't happy she can do something about it etc, but nothing ever changes. She just continues to express her unhappiness to me in drips and drabs but won't talk about it in depth or take on any of my advice. It just makes me sad as I want to help her (them) and I want her (them) to be happy - but what can I do?
I know they won't do anything too radical like split up, I think they feel they are too old for that. And part of me thinks I should stay out of it as they're both adults and it's their relationship so they need to sort it out.
But I find it really upsetting when I hear my Mum say these things and I do know that my Dad does criticise her, belittle her and I guess, emotionally / verbally abuse her which makes me angry. But what can I do? It's pretty much always been like this and I think Mum has just got used to it and the more she puts up with it, the more my Dad gives. He's not a very nice man.

I perhaps should also say that we live 60 miles away, they don't drive and I'm married with 2 young children and a full time job so it's not always easy to talk / see each other which I guess makes things a bit trickier...

Thank you.

Is this kind of relationship typical of boomers because my parents are the same, I could've written your post practically. My mum would never do anything about it as she believes she would never cope without my dad running the household etc.

Is this kind of relationship typical of boomers because my parents are the same

It isn't really a "boomer" relationship thing. I'm a boomer, it isn't the norm amongst people I know of my age. If you're going to make it generational I'd say it's more of a 50's thing, when people were expected to stay together no matter what.

OP in your situation I'd say And part of me thinks I should stay out of it as they're both adults and it's their relationship so they need to sort it out .They are adults, they've been living like this for 50-odd years, if she wanted to change she could. As long as you know she is safe and not in any kind of danger, leave it. Wanting them to be happy is a normal thing for children ( no matter how old the children are), but their relationship is not going to change now .

Just let her know you're there if she needs you, you can't do anything else.

I have no constructive advice but just coming on to echo you and @turniptracker, OP. My parents are the same - down to the number of years married and their ages - and I could have written this post. A few years ago, I talked to my mum about the possibility of her leaving but she said it was too late. It is hard to watch as a child. I pull my dad up on his behaviour every time but it makes me sad.

Yeah, my parents are like this. Diamond wedding anniversary soon. There's nothing you can do.

Yep, my parents are the same, also married 50 years. So that’s the 1970s, not the 1950s. But actually, with my parents, it is difficult to know who is at fault, if there is fault, or whether they are just dysfunctional.
My father drank to excess in his younger days and my mum behaved like a volcano, simmering away and then erupting. Apparently, according to my sister, she did not speak to us at all for some months. I have forgotten that, like I have forgotten a lot of my childhood.
My mum did discuss with me when I was about seventeen that she wanted to leave. She never did. They just bicker away with each other now. Neither of my children want to visit, because they don’t like it. We do go occasionally but I wouldn’t entertain any confidential discussions about one party leaving the other now. They have both combined to treat me in appalling ways so they can get along when they want to.

Your situation sounds a bit different in so far as your mum sounds like she is being verbally and emotionally abused (mostly I think my mum is doing it but my dad won’t leave) and you want to help her. Where I am Women’s Aid do outreach which includes for women who don’t want to leave. Just providing support. Maybe next time she says something, ask if she has talked to anyone else about what is going on and whether she wants to. It is not a problem you can fix, but if she does want to talk to someone else, then maybe you can gently point her in the right direction.

Your DM might be feeling more vulnerable than usual. She may be feeling fearful for the next 10/20 years living with abuse like this. She has been conditioned into thinking she cant cope on her own and by dismissing her comments you are reinforcing that view (however unintentional that you agree she wouldn't be able to cope) you've said as much above.

Why not ask her how she would like her life to be? My guess is she doesn't want to be in this situation but doesn't even know where to start to get out of it. Maybe you could suggest Women's Aid. By supporting your DM are you worried about disloyalty to your DF? Remember that he chooses to behave like he does. You have also been in this cycle of abuse, even if it wasn't directed at you.

This kind of abusive behaviour is not normal or acceptable in any generation. It does sound like she's asking for help. Grey divorce is a thing. Perhaps your DM just needs some support, if you don't feel best placed maybe you could help her find it elsewhere?

"its just frustrating though. This has been going for YEARS. I've said to her before that she doesn't have to put up with it, that if she isn't happy she can do something about it etc, but nothing ever changes. She just continues to express her unhappiness to me in drips and drabs but won't talk about it in depth or take on any of my advice. It just makes me sad as I want to help her (them) and I want her (them) to be happy - but what can I do?"

Short answer to that is nothing.

Let go of your desire to help because it is really not wanted and with all due respect you can do nothing to help them. You will just end up feeling more frustrated and you are further being used by mother here as her emotional dumping ground. Do not act as her therapist or potential rescuer/ saviour here; if she starts to moan about your dad change the subject or cut short the call. Your mother also does this because she can and it works for her.

Both your parents get what they want out of their relationship.

How was your childhood?

It’s not too late for her to leave.

I had a client in her late 80s who got on a bus one day with some underwear and a toothbrush in a bag and left her abusive bully of a husband.

She deserves to live the last chapter of her life in peace and happiness. Of course you if she doesn’t want to leave that’s understandable but there is always a way.

Can you take her out for lunch one day and take it through properly?

It's frustrating but you can be there She may just need to drop comments occasionally to get them off her chest and she feels safe doing that with you

It's a good idea to ask her what she wants in life, and to mention different options - it's not just 'stay & put up with everything' or 'walk away completely'

I would though pull your Dad up on anything nasty he does when you are there. Can you visit just you, no kids? Take her away for 1 night or out for the day?

@FuggyPidding
I feel your pain

My parents were the same and my mum passed away and now we have a grumpy old man to deal with and "he makes my life hell"

They should have divorced years ago to be honest

OP my parents were the same although my mum was just as bad, she would goad and wind my dad up so he would explode. They should have divorced when we were kids and done us all a favour. We had to put up with their arguing all the time.
My mum would phone me up saying she was going to leave but it was all talk, she was also too worried about what others would think, they are both religious. She had plenty of opportunities to leave as people had properties she could have went to but she always had an excuse.

It isn't fair of your mum to tell you this if she isn't prepared to do anything about it.

You can't do anything but be supportive. Who knows why some people stay together but it isn't your job to worry about it.

I agree with PP and Atiila, there isn't much you can do if she won't make any changes. My mother uses me as an emotional dumping ground as well as I'm the only child who will listen to her. The ironc thing is, when my father became disabled she looked after him although there was a lot of stress, a lot that she caused. Since he passed away she tries to make out he was great etc . I know try to limit when I answer the phone to her as my mental health has been affected over the years with everything. Not saying your mum is like this but as previously said watch you don't get sucked into the emotional drama like I was.

You could offer for your mum to stay with you for a couple of days, using the excuse to see and help with the kids, see what she says.

@Sakurami

It isn't fair of your mum to tell you this if she isn't prepared to do anything about it.

You can't do anything but be supportive. Who knows why some people stay together but it isn't your job to worry about it.

I totally agree

I suspect the mother allowed this kind of tension and unhappiness in to her children’s childhood.

Whilst the father sounds very unpleasant
The mother also subjected her children to this by not doing anything / leaving with them

It's a shame that others are in a similar situation though that makes me feel better in a way, relief I guess. Maybe it is a generational thing...?

I know it's not too late to change, it never is - but I just don't think either of them have it in them.

I do offer my Mum support - I say she can ring any time and I see/speak to her on a regular basis. And I have taken out for coffee / lunch etc to try to talk to her but she doesn't want to talk in depth about it. She just dismisses it by saying thigs like 'you know what he's like' or 'it was just a bad day'. I suppose we've never really been ones for deep, meaningful conversations even though I'd like that and it does make me sad that we don't have that kind of relationship. Again, I do try though so not sure what else I can do...

@Sidehustle99 I think she could cope on her own and I've said she could leave him many times. But she doesn't seem to want to hear that. She says she does love him and wouldn't want to separate - she just doesn't understand why he's treats her badly sometimes. I've told her to pull him up on it every time - and I do - but that I don't think he will change.
She is happy with many aspects of her life - children, grandchildren, church, friends, activities etc - I think the only thing she would change would be my Dad's moods and behaviour which is probably the one thing she can't change.
I'm not worried about being disloyal to my Dad, I know exactly what he's like and don't like him for it.
And I do offer support and point her in the direction of other support (friends, Samaritans etc) but again, it seems to fall on deaf ears...

@Reallyimeanreally2022 my childhood was fine. Dad has always been grumpy but he worked hard and provided for us etc. Never any physical abuse but I guess emotional / verbal abuse in terms of him focussing on the negatives all the time and being critical (eg. get 9 As & 1 B in your GCSEs, he'll focus on the 1 B). But all pretty normal I'd say.

My DM regularly moans that my DF is "getting on her tits". He has angina and is 82, she's 4 years younger and despite starting immunotherapy today for melanoma is in good health (no chronic illnesses or regular medication). I don't think she realises they are getting old and knowing the way my DF has behaved over the years I suspect he's possibly autistic.

There was no unhappiness for me in my childhood, I wouldn't say tension either other than the usual bickering between families. Nothing that ever worried me though really.

[quote FuggyPidding]@Reallyimeanreally2022 my childhood was fine. Dad has always been grumpy but he worked hard and provided for us etc. Never any physical abuse but I guess emotional / verbal abuse in terms of him focussing on the negatives all the time and being critical (eg. get 9 As & 1 B in your GCSEs, he'll focus on the 1 B). But all pretty normal I'd say.[/quote]
No not normal at all

Very unpleasant

I would be devastated if my children looked back and thought this about me!!

“Focussing on the negatives all the time”

Op, that sounds a bloody awful environment

And how were your parents together? If she’s always felt like this, must have been difficult

[quote FuggyPidding]@Reallyimeanreally2022 my childhood was fine. Dad has always been grumpy but he worked hard and provided for us etc. Never any physical abuse but I guess emotional / verbal abuse in terms of him focussing on the negatives all the time and being critical (eg. get 9 As & 1 B in your GCSEs, he'll focus on the 1 B). But all pretty normal I'd say.[/quote]
Sounds like they just don’t like each other very much. Your DM complains but does nothing, your DF withdraws and is negative but doesn’t leave - maybe feels it’s his duty to stay as your DM wouldn’t manage on her own? A sad situation for them. You can provide emotional support without getting too involved as long as there isn’t frank abuse.

@Reallyimeanreally2022 Unpleasant yes, but as other posters have said, pretty common. I always pull my dad up on it now though. He's definitely got worse as he's got older. My parents were generally fine when I was growing up, it's only the last few years or so it's become more of an issue.

@Coronawireless I think you're right in that they just don't get on, they're so different How they ever got together and stayed together so long is beyond me!! Both could cope without the other but maybe they feel they need each other or they're too old or they're too traditional (you marry, you stay married types).... who knows! I have tried talking to them but like I say, they don't want to know.