"Your Dad Makes My Life Hell"

[FuggyPidding]

This is what my Mum said to me on the phone last night.
Now what do I do with that information?

I've name changed for this but have posted about my parents' relationship before. They're both mid-70s and been married for nearly 50 years - though I've no idea why or how. They're completely different people. Mum is kind, caring, thoughtful, positive, sociable... Dad is critical, miserable, bully-ish, negative, anti-social... They like different things and have different outlooks on life. Even little things like my Dad drinks and smokes but Mum doesn't (and doesn't like it when Dad does). She wants to go out and see people, he chooses to stay in, watch TV and sleep in the afternoons.

Every so often, my Mum will just casually drop into conversation something along the lines of 'your Dad was in one of his moods again'... or 'your Dad is being hard work'... or 'your Dad has been saying I've put on weight'... or 'your Dad has been flying off the handle again'... or yesterday's little nugget - 'Your Dad makes my life hell'.
But she'll drop these in after she's talked about the weather or before she mentions something in the news, and she flits from one conversation to the next and when I ask her to go back to what she's just said about Dad or explain things further, she just dismisses it and tells me 'not to worry'.

So yesterday, I ended up ringing her back basically saying, if what she is saying about Dad is true (which I know it is), then we need to talk about it properly and something needs to change. She just laughed it off - though I think my dad was there so she probably couldn't talk even if she wanted to.

It's just frustrating though. This has been going for YEARS. I've said to her before that she doesn't have to put up with it, that if she isn't happy she can do something about it etc, but nothing ever changes. She just continues to express her unhappiness to me in drips and drabs but won't talk about it in depth or take on any of my advice. It just makes me sad as I want to help her (them) and I want her (them) to be happy - but what can I do?
I know they won't do anything too radical like split up, I think they feel they are too old for that. And part of me thinks I should stay out of it as they're both adults and it's their relationship so they need to sort it out.
But I find it really upsetting when I hear my Mum say these things and I do know that my Dad does criticise her, belittle her and I guess, emotionally / verbally abuse her which makes me angry. But what can I do? It's pretty much always been like this and I think Mum has just got used to it and the more she puts up with it, the more my Dad gives. He's not a very nice man.

I'm sat, feeling like a completely empty shell, utterly pathetic, tears streaming down my face.

This is also my life. I live through my children and grandchildren, trying my hardest not to be alone with H.

He belittles me in front of everyone. I try hard to avoid people being around when he's at home.

I hate it when 'celebrations' are imminent - birthdays, Christmas. He hurts me so much.

He terrorises me when we have to go out together in the car - he petrifies me by how he drives and thinks it's hilarious. He refuses to go out out unless he drives, so if we've arranged to go to see anyone he would rather stay at home than let me drive. He will then tell everyone that I've had a strop because I wanted to drive so we stayed home.

He swears every other word. He 'secretly' drinks, smokes and uses cocaine (found it in the house/his pockets).

I hate him.

Married 34 yrs.

I also drop little bits of information into conversations with my children. I sort of need someone to know exactly how it is because it explains some days when I can't even muster a smile/join in with happy families.

He won't leave - I won't leave my family home (I love my house).

It's like I can't appreciate the joy that my grandchildren bring - a half life.

When I've been out for the day, I dread going home.

I have hobbies and see one or two friends occasionally.

I'm just so consumed by this deep sadness - that I've no companionship.

He will not sleep in the spare room - I will not leave my bed. I sleep fitfully, right on the edge of the bed to avoid any slight contact.

I don't really know why I feel that I have to keep telling my adult children these snippets because I think that I don't want saving.

I don't know know the answer.

@NanaPorsche

I'm sat, feeling like a completely empty shell, utterly pathetic, tears streaming down my face.

This is also my life. I live through my children and grandchildren, trying my hardest not to be alone with H.

He belittles me in front of everyone. I try hard to avoid people being around when he's at home.

I hate it when 'celebrations' are imminent - birthdays, Christmas. He hurts me so much.

He terrorises me when we have to go out together in the car - he petrifies me by how he drives and thinks it's hilarious. He refuses to go out out unless he drives, so if we've arranged to go to see anyone he would rather stay at home than let me drive. He will then tell everyone that I've had a strop because I wanted to drive so we stayed home.

He swears every other word. He 'secretly' drinks, smokes and uses cocaine (found it in the house/his pockets).

I hate him.

Married 34 yrs.

I also drop little bits of information into conversations with my children. I sort of need someone to know exactly how it is because it explains some days when I can't even muster a smile/join in with happy families.

He won't leave - I won't leave my family home (I love my house).

It's like I can't appreciate the joy that my grandchildren bring - a half life.

When I've been out for the day, I dread going home.

I have hobbies and see one or two friends occasionally.

I'm just so consumed by this deep sadness - that I've no companionship.

He will not sleep in the spare room - I will not leave my bed. I sleep fitfully, right on the edge of the bed to avoid any slight contact.

I don't really know why I feel that I have to keep telling my adult children these snippets because I think that I don't want saving.

I don't know know the answer.

Goodness You must really LOVE your family home if you’re willing to have your life like this

@NanaPorsche would you divorce if you could stay in your family home?

TintinIsBack

The list you wrote re couples staying together in spite of not being able to stand each other reads like a toxic mix of codependency and the sunken costs fallacy. On some level too these couples are getting what they want (or think they want) out of the relationship.

NanaPorsche

Indeed would you divorce him if you could stay in the marital home?. Besides which your house is not a home really is it; it seems like a gilded cage but its a cage and your cage all the same. Its usually the case too that abusive men often refuse to leave; he likes having you around to abuse.

I am certain too that your now adult children are all too aware of what their dad is like towards you and in turn them. They see how you are treated by him and perhaps wonder of you why you and he are still together at all.

My brother and sister-in-law used to regularly turn up at my house to complain about the other. Their marriage was like my parents, a cycle of abusive one-upmanship and unsteady truce. I used to spend hours listening, giving advice, trying to help. They would leave, kiss and make up with the other and you wouldn't see them again for months, until the next cycle. It was exhausting and pointless but some people are almost addicted to living this way.

Your DM isn't doing that to the same degree but she is offloading onto you causing you worry. Naturally you want to help but It is clear that she doesn't want to do anything about it as she has stayed in the marriage for so long. There is nothing you can do for her.

@Reallyimeanreally2022

Yes - I absolutely love my home. It's what I have made it - I really don't see why I should absent myself from years and years of hard work/sacrifice. I'd rather improve my home than spend money going on holiday with a pig who dictates the agenda. (Home completely extended, renovated, replaced - since children left.) It's perfect for me. I love my massive garden - my pride and joy which I, myself achieved. Why should I leave? I know I can force him into a house sale and take half the proceedings - but I can't afford to buy him out. And he won't leave. Neither will I.

@Sidehustle99

I feel divorced - in my head. I suppose it's how I feebly try to 'protect' myself.

We've had plenty of 'God almighty ding dongs' where I leave him in no uncertain terms about how I feel about him and he's told to 'piss off'. (He calls me all sorts of alternative names for 'head case' - there's only so much abuse one can take before one snaps.) Does he think I'm mentally unstable because I want him to go so much? He has such a huge, positive opinion of himself. But he's an abuser - I've told him hundreds of times.

He won't leave.

He knocked me out cold once - broke my glasses in the process. (Because I told him he was a bully and an inadequate, little man with a little brain.) I told everyone that the massive bruise on the side of my face was because I fell downstairs.

I didn't ring the police. That would've made him worse.

I told the optician that one of the grandchildren had grabbed my glasses and thrown them.

He hides his true personality quite well - people think he's the life and soul of the party.

He scares me.

The best days are when he comes home and goes straight to his 'man cave' behind the garage (a seed I planted in his head to get him out the house of an evening). When I ask him why he isn't in 'his garden room' he says it's to annoy me.

The worst days are when I have to pretend everything is rosy when in company - when I've just been told I'm a dried up, ugly bag.

God mine are a bit like this. Not exactly the same personalities as you’ve described but the same results.

My Mum has always moaned about my Dad to me, but never really done anything about it. She’s left (sort of!) twice, spoken to me in depth about it and had my support, and then gone back again. It’s absolutely exhausting! I can’t deal with her always complaining about how unhappy she is but not doing anything about it.

She used to complain to me when I was a teenager and I always thought it was really inappropriate, if not emotionally abusive. You shouldn’t criticise your husband to your joint children!

It’s obviously a bit different with adult off spring, but trying to help someone who won’t be helped is exhausting!

@AttilaTheMeerkat

NanaPorsche

Indeed would you divorce him if you could stay in the marital home?. Besides which your house is not a home really is it; it seems like a gilded cage but its a cage and your cage all the same. Its usually the case too that abusive men often refuse to leave; he likes having you around to abuse.

I am certain too that your now adult children are all too aware of what their dad is like towards you and in turn them. They see how you are treated by him and perhaps wonder of you why you and he are still together at all.

Yes! Caged - very accurate description.

@NanaPorsche that’s so sad. You poor thing living that non life.

If I were you, I’d do whatever I could to get away from him, house or no house. Nothing matters more than your peace of mind.

The worst time I ever had was having to cohabit with an emotionally abusive ex waiting for the divorce to be sorted.

Reporting him to the police would surely have got rid of him?

The not moving to the spare room is surely something you could change though?

Could you invite your Mum to stay for a little while?

Seeing a normal happy relationship might just give her the strength to stand upto your Dad! It might also give your Dad a kick up the arse when it comes to his behaviour.

@NanaPorsche I don’t want to derail the OPs thread, but that sounds horrendous - it must be soul destroying to live like that, is it really worth staying in that environment for the sake of your home & garden?

I don’t know how old you are - I’m guessing anything from mid 50s upwards (I’m 50 for context), but however long you’ve got left on this planet you really shouldn’t live one more day of it feeling so consumed by this deep sadness about a situation you can choose to change. Nor should you set your adult children the example that it’s ok to put up and shut up.

If the house is paid off and you are married it’s half yours. If you divorce and get your half could you not buy somewhere smaller - maybe a garden flat, some have huge gardens, which you could make into a happy, safe environment that you want to come home to? Surely a smaller but beautifully done space without him in it would be preferable. A bed that’s yours, that you sleep in soundly without fear or sadness?

I’d hate to think of any of my parents (I still have 4, both my original ones remarried) living like you do. I certainly wouldn’t do it myself no matter what the cost & my children as adults in a living hell like that would be unthinkable.

Please think about it - if you take the first step then the hope and potential for a new life may propel you to take more. As a pp said it’s a gilded cage or perhaps it’s a beautiful prison, but you are the only one that can end your sentence.

I just find it so sad that you are out there feeling hopeless about the situation. I usually think that it’s best to just support your friends & not get involved even when they are making terrible choices and then be there for them when the consequences of those choices play out (because it’s their choice), but if you were my friend I’d actively encourage you to leave - I couldn’t stand by and watch (& you were my Mum it would break my heart..).

I’d say similar to you OP, but it’s so complicated when it’s your parents. Does your Mum have a close friend who has her back and might encourage her to do something that you could quietly talk to!? Just awful, it must be so hard for you to stand by & watch

Nothing to add OP, other than to say that both my DPs appear to have similar relationships with their spouses (they've both been married to other people for 40 years). DM and DSF sound just like your DPs - fundamentally unsuited, chalk and cheese, etc. They've never got on particularly well, but neither of them can face divorcing again or losing their home/financial security. So they're stuck with each other. DF and DSM are a bit different, they seemed happy for years, but now, in their 70s, DF has confided in me how miserable he is and that life with his second DW is very difficult. I take it as flattering that they both confide in me. They clearly just need to vent and neither is going to end their marriage. I'm sad that they are both unhappy - at least some of the time - but it's their lives and I've never felt the pressure to do anything. They're adults who can make their own decisions and if they want to let off steam to me, that's fine. FWIW, their DPs are impossible and I'd hate to live with either of them, but they choose to stay, so what business is it of mine?

There's something very important which I've taken from this thread.

I will never mention the state of my life to my adult children anymore.

I'm utterly alone now because I wouldn't burden my friends with this information - I'm too ashamed.

@NanaPorsche very sad reading this too which I think is very common unfortunately.
You deserve a nice life, I know what you mean about not leaving the house, you are trying to stand your ground but is it worth it to be so unhappy? You could have peace of mind in a smaller house on your own. To have to share your bed with him because it's your bed, it's just a bed.

@NanaPorsche it could be your kids don't feel like this. If they recognise the abuse - which is key, they may be supportive. It is classic behaviour for an abuser to cut contact for the victim so that they have no support network. You could try Women's Aid or a local DA charity for support and counselling

@NanaPorsche I'm so sorry to read all your messages. Please dont stop talking to your children unless you have someone else (friend, counsellor) to speak to. It's really important.
You might have seen my post above - I'm in a similar position to OP and I value it when my DM opens up to me, though it can be hard to deal with the aftermath of my own emotions. If she wanted to leave him I am ready to help her in every way. Your children may well feel the same

@NanaPorsche

You ask why should I leave him?

Here’s your answer. In your own words

I'm sat, feeling like a completely empty shell, utterly pathetic, tears streaming down my face.

*I hate him

I'm just so consumed by this deep sadness - that I've no companionship.

ive been out all day. I dread going home

You are not living
You are existing in a velvet lined prison
You are deeply unhappy
And I have no doubt your children will be very aware and it will weigh them down too

@NanaPorsche

* He will not sleep in the spare room - I will not leave my bed*

Good Lord. It’s his bed too. Why the heck don’t you move in to spare room and buy yourself a new bed

You see determined to exist like this

We’re “boomers”. No, it’s not typical.

What can you do? Maybe stop feeling irritation with your mum and challenge your dad up front.

I don’t understand why people dance about like this. If one of my parents is behaving unreasonably, I tell them so and ask why. Same with our kids. We’re pretty happy generally but have the occasional irk. Our kids wouldn’t hesitate in saying stop being unfair to mum or dad if they thought we were.

@NanaPorsche

There's something very important which I've taken from this thread.

I will never mention the state of my life to my adult children anymore.

I'm utterly alone now because I wouldn't burden my friends with this information - I'm too ashamed.

In the kindest possible way - this thread is about the OP's situation, and her relationship with her mum. It's great that it's encouraging you to talk about what you're going through, and I hope you'll take on board the advice people are offering you.

However, posting things like this is not on. It doesn't help you, and it's only going to make the OP and others feel guilty for venting about their own relationship issues, which they're perfectly entitled to do.

You will get the best support and advice if you start a new thread on Relationships about your own situation. You will feel less alone, and it could change your life.

@MrsSkylerWhite

We’re “boomers”. No, it’s not typical.

What can you do? Maybe stop feeling irritation with your mum and challenge your dad up front.

I don’t understand why people dance about like this. If one of my parents is behaving unreasonably, I tell them so and ask why. Same with our kids. We’re pretty happy generally but have the occasional irk. Our kids wouldn’t hesitate in saying stop being unfair to mum or dad if they thought we were.

Agreed about being open - so much healthier. However it really is the mother’s responsibility to be open with her husband. Not the OP. But this is clearly a family that hasn’t ever been like this

I would not want my children to be talking to their father on my behalf if he was being unfair

I fight my own battles. And wouldn’t ever want this burden on my children