"Your Dad Makes My Life Hell"

[FuggyPidding]

This is what my Mum said to me on the phone last night.
Now what do I do with that information?

I've name changed for this but have posted about my parents' relationship before. They're both mid-70s and been married for nearly 50 years - though I've no idea why or how. They're completely different people. Mum is kind, caring, thoughtful, positive, sociable... Dad is critical, miserable, bully-ish, negative, anti-social... They like different things and have different outlooks on life. Even little things like my Dad drinks and smokes but Mum doesn't (and doesn't like it when Dad does). She wants to go out and see people, he chooses to stay in, watch TV and sleep in the afternoons.

Every so often, my Mum will just casually drop into conversation something along the lines of 'your Dad was in one of his moods again'... or 'your Dad is being hard work'... or 'your Dad has been saying I've put on weight'... or 'your Dad has been flying off the handle again'... or yesterday's little nugget - 'Your Dad makes my life hell'.
But she'll drop these in after she's talked about the weather or before she mentions something in the news, and she flits from one conversation to the next and when I ask her to go back to what she's just said about Dad or explain things further, she just dismisses it and tells me 'not to worry'.

So yesterday, I ended up ringing her back basically saying, if what she is saying about Dad is true (which I know it is), then we need to talk about it properly and something needs to change. She just laughed it off - though I think my dad was there so she probably couldn't talk even if she wanted to.

It's just frustrating though. This has been going for YEARS. I've said to her before that she doesn't have to put up with it, that if she isn't happy she can do something about it etc, but nothing ever changes. She just continues to express her unhappiness to me in drips and drabs but won't talk about it in depth or take on any of my advice. It just makes me sad as I want to help her (them) and I want her (them) to be happy - but what can I do?
I know they won't do anything too radical like split up, I think they feel they are too old for that. And part of me thinks I should stay out of it as they're both adults and it's their relationship so they need to sort it out.
But I find it really upsetting when I hear my Mum say these things and I do know that my Dad does criticise her, belittle her and I guess, emotionally / verbally abuse her which makes me angry. But what can I do? It's pretty much always been like this and I think Mum has just got used to it and the more she puts up with it, the more my Dad gives. He's not a very nice man.

@JesusInTheCabbageVan

I gave the OP a perspective from her mother's angle in my first post.

Others have commented on that - I have replied.

Thank goodness the OP's daughter is trying to be supportive and realises her father is 'not nice'. I think it's good to know if similar examples of domestic abuse. Perhaps the OP is my daughter.

My daughter's have both suggested I move in with them ....

Her mother may feel similar to me.

Reallyimeanreally2022

I would not want my children to be talking to their father on my behalf if he was being unfair

I fight my own battles. And wouldn’t ever want this burden on my children.

You’re fortunate to be able too. Not everyone can for a multitude of reasons.

I can be as unreasonable as the next person if I get a bee in my bonnet. Might not always enjoy being told by my kids or anyone else, but have generally been glad to have been, after the event (though you’d have to put the thumb screws on to get me to admit it ).

@NanaPorsche and I really do hope you move in with your daughter. Could you do that just for a few weeks, to see how it feels?

@JesusInTheCabbageVan
Why would I ? PPs here stating how bad it is to burden your children - not an option.

@NanaPorsche oh, stop. Seriously. Nobody has said that it is a 'burden' to support a parent who is fleeing domestic abuse.

Most people (mainly women?) just want to vent.

Maybe ask her how she felt. Or sympathise. Or ask her how he's doing.

But, if you don't like it, you can remind her that you're not her friend. You're their child.

Is this kind of relationship typical of boomers because my parents are the same Fuck! First reply and there it is!

My parents are much the same, but it is because they are who they are, not becaue of some weird stereotyping the following generations have decided upon.

@FuggyPidding you have a couple of choices, engage her in conversation, give her an outlet for her frustration; close it down and tell her you really don't want to know so much about how your mum and dad live. Neither are right or wrong, just pick what is best for you.

It’s obviously a bit different with adult off spring, but trying to help someone who won’t be helped is exhausting!

On some level too these couples are getting what they want (or think they want) out of the relationship

And I have no doubt your children will be very aware and it will weigh them down too

I fight my own battles. And wouldn’t ever want this burden on my children

The examples above are why.

@NanaPorsche to be hinest you sound extremeyl conflicted. You want him to leave, you won't because youlove the house

You want him out of the bedm you won't because it is your bed.

Your face is streaming with tears, he belittles you but you won't leave, change anything.

I'll say what nobody else has said directly - woman up! Take back your control. Take your half of the marriage assets and go live somewhere else happily! Stop martyring yourself to could have beens and bricks and mortar.

Go on... NOW!

trying to help someone who won’t be helped is exhausting! And is probably how your kids feel about you, should they ever feel free to speak their minds.

Again, stop with the martyrdom, the 'burden' etc. If you want out, get out!

If you don't stop torturing the ones you love with snippets of your unhappiness. They won't jump in and save you. YOU can do that for yourself - if you choose to!

@NanaPorsche There's a great happy world out there. I would suggest you,work out how much you would have to spend on a house if you divorced and sold the house. Go and see some houses for that value.

@CuriousaboutSamphire

I'm not leaving - I have no money. I look after my grandchildren full time. I've no where to go.

I've looked into occupation orders - but I'm not sure that would get rid of him. He would argue 'it's her word against mine' in court. I also would not drag anyone else into this situation to give evidence - even though my son turned up at my house just after I was knocked out. He knew what his father had just done.

I changed the locks one time and he got the police to come round to inform me I had to give him the keys for the new locks.

He's occasionally said he'd change ....

None of which is what has been suggested. Separation (whilst living in the same house) and divorce. You could start that today.

What you have looked at is how to get him out of your bed and your home. He and the police were right, it's his too.

Have you ever said to yourself that YOU will change? That you will be fully proactive in getting YOURSELF a better life?

You can do it. Grandchildren or no grandchildren, money or no money. You can make changes.

Start your own thread and ask for help specific to your own situation. You have nothing to lose in asking.

I also would not drag anyone else into this situation to give evidence - even though my son turned up at my house just after I was knocked out. He knew what his father had just done. Forget asking your son to 'take sides', did you go to the police?

That's the ort of advice you would get if you start your own thread and leave @FuggyPidding to have this one for her own issues.

For that reason alone, I won't be responding to you on this thread any more. I hope to read/support you elsewhere.

@CuriousaboutSamphire

I will no longer torture my children with such comments as 'your father was legless again last night'.

I will continue to look after their children for free. Without support.

@NanaPorsche

It’s obviously a bit different with adult off spring, but trying to help someone who won’t be helped is exhausting!

On some level too these couples are getting what they want (or think they want) out of the relationship

And I have no doubt your children will be very aware and it will weigh them down too

I fight my own battles. And wouldn’t ever want this burden on my children

The examples above are why.

Don't use how total strangers feel about other total strangers to justify your own life choices.

Or, if you must, stop trying to guilt trip them about it.

As a pp said, I'm going to stop engaging with you now as your posts are not helping anyone. Start your own thread. Or not. It's your choice, and yours alone.

@JesusInTheCabbageVan

Isn't this platform for total strangers opinions?

Again - for your information. I will respond to posts aimed at me.

Many thanks for your helpful input.

💐

@FuggyPidding it would be good to hear from you if you have managed to talk to your DM? Curious to know how it went and how you are feeling now?

I'm a confrontational bitch, so here's what I'd say.

"mum. You keep telling me these things about how dad is treating you in a way that is really not OK and then you tell me it's nothing. I can't go on like that. Either these things are important and you deserve better than to be treated like that, in which case I will help you and support you, or they aren't important, in which case I need you to stop saying them to me because I can't take the gaslighting. Think about it, and the next time we speak, tell me which it is. Because otherwise, the next time you tell me Dad's treating you badly but that it's nothing, I will have to end the conversation."

Wow, thanks everyone. Seems like the thread got side-tracked a little but I appreciate all the responses.
@Sidehustle99 thanks for asking and for bringing the thread back on track!
@BuffySummersReportingforSanity I kind of said that in my last phone call to my mum. I don't like confrontation and didn't want to upset my mum so I was as nice as I could be but basically said if things are that bad with Dad then something needs to change (which I will help you do). If they aren't that bad and/or you don't want to change, you need to stop telling me as it upsets me. She just said 'ok'.

Yesterday she rang as if that whole conversation hadn't happened and was very bright & breezy, talking about how her and my Dad were just off out to walk the dog in the lovely sunshine!!
And so it goes... that's exactly what it's like over and over and over again...

Just be there when she reaches out to you.

You've told her she's upsetting you - she may never mention anything again.

Fingers crossed OP.

Hopefully the derail has given you some more useful examples of boundary-setting In short - she is of course entitled to seek and receive help and support, but she is NOT entitled to demand that support in a form that hurts you.

When she discovers that you're serious about the new boundaries, she may try to manipulate you into resuming your old role. Not necessarily in a malicious way - it's just how some people communicate, as you've seen! I would be alert to that, and shut it down quickly. Make it clear that you are not withdrawing your support - just re-framing it. Above all stop trying to solve her problems for her - only she can do that.

This could be my parents. Could even be me, as I appear to have settled in the same negative, toxic pattern that they did, but am awaiting my moment to leave. I would ask her to stay for a few days, as others have said.

*stay with you, I mean, of course.