"Your Dad Makes My Life Hell"

[FuggyPidding]

This is what my Mum said to me on the phone last night.
Now what do I do with that information?

I've name changed for this but have posted about my parents' relationship before. They're both mid-70s and been married for nearly 50 years - though I've no idea why or how. They're completely different people. Mum is kind, caring, thoughtful, positive, sociable... Dad is critical, miserable, bully-ish, negative, anti-social... They like different things and have different outlooks on life. Even little things like my Dad drinks and smokes but Mum doesn't (and doesn't like it when Dad does). She wants to go out and see people, he chooses to stay in, watch TV and sleep in the afternoons.

Every so often, my Mum will just casually drop into conversation something along the lines of 'your Dad was in one of his moods again'... or 'your Dad is being hard work'... or 'your Dad has been saying I've put on weight'... or 'your Dad has been flying off the handle again'... or yesterday's little nugget - 'Your Dad makes my life hell'.
But she'll drop these in after she's talked about the weather or before she mentions something in the news, and she flits from one conversation to the next and when I ask her to go back to what she's just said about Dad or explain things further, she just dismisses it and tells me 'not to worry'.

So yesterday, I ended up ringing her back basically saying, if what she is saying about Dad is true (which I know it is), then we need to talk about it properly and something needs to change. She just laughed it off - though I think my dad was there so she probably couldn't talk even if she wanted to.

It's just frustrating though. This has been going for YEARS. I've said to her before that she doesn't have to put up with it, that if she isn't happy she can do something about it etc, but nothing ever changes. She just continues to express her unhappiness to me in drips and drabs but won't talk about it in depth or take on any of my advice. It just makes me sad as I want to help her (them) and I want her (them) to be happy - but what can I do?
I know they won't do anything too radical like split up, I think they feel they are too old for that. And part of me thinks I should stay out of it as they're both adults and it's their relationship so they need to sort it out.
But I find it really upsetting when I hear my Mum say these things and I do know that my Dad does criticise her, belittle her and I guess, emotionally / verbally abuse her which makes me angry. But what can I do? It's pretty much always been like this and I think Mum has just got used to it and the more she puts up with it, the more my Dad gives. He's not a very nice man.

I think these kind of relationships are often about more than just the relationship. A lot of older people can be somewhat co dependent and life consisted of family and work and once you aren’t working and family no longer there all the time - unless people have friendships , hobbies and interests — it can all become very dull with a lack of focal points apart from your partners behaviour. The older people I’ve met who seem happy have some things in common, lots of separate interests and friends and often plenty of cash for holidays or extended trips and in many cases if I’m honest have restarted the clock somewhat with new partners in their 50sand 60s.

Its exactly the end with my mother OP, in the end I just snapped and said I do not want to hear about it ever again unless she is committed to leaving then I will help but until then I'm not interested.
Harsh but it was really getting me down.

I could have written your post OP. I have no advice unfortunately but wanted to express that you're not alone.

For those asking about my childhood with these parents, I can honestly say it was fine. Though I must admit that when I met my now in-laws for the first time, it was like a breath of fresh air seeing an older couple NOT bickering and actually being nice to each other!! I guess I just got used to the way my parents were, you know what you know right? I didn't know any different when I was younger. But it certainly wasn't bad / abusive.
Like I said, my Dad has got worse as he's got older and I do stand up to him now too.
I am really supportive to my Mum and said she can stay, we can meet up whenever she likes, we can chat any time etc. I just know nothing is going to change yet I also know the same conversations will be had and it's just draining.

@DrillHammerChisel

For those asking about my childhood with these parents, I can honestly say it was fine. Though I must admit that when I met my now in-laws for the first time, it was like a breath of fresh air seeing an older couple NOT bickering and actually being nice to each other!! I guess I just got used to the way my parents were, you know what you know right? I didn't know any different when I was younger. But it certainly wasn't bad / abusive. Like I said, my Dad has got worse as he's got older and I do stand up to him now too. I am really supportive to my Mum and said she can stay, we can meet up whenever she likes, we can chat any time etc. I just know nothing is going to change yet I also know the same conversations will be had and it's just draining.

Are you the op?

Ah you are

Op. You have only known one childhood obviously and have nothing to compare it you.

What you have described sounds an unhappy and unpleasant family environment to those of us who had happy childhood with parents in a solid positive marriage

Yes, sorry that was me, the OP! Name change fail!!!!

@Reallyimeanreally2022 my childhood wasn't an unpleasant or unhappy one. Yes, Dad could be - and still is - critical and a 'glass half empty' kind of guy, but I have very fond memories of a loving family home and was looked after, supported, treated etc etc. I think you're going off track a little bit focussing on my childhood. The issue I want to discuss is how to deal with my Mum who keeps complaining about my Dad but won't do anything about it.

Gosh this sounds so familiar. Will be back to read the entire thread a bit later.

I just don’t see how you can have fond memories of a loving family home when you write

* I do know that my Dad does criticise her, belittle her and I guess, emotionally / verbally abuse her which makes me angry. But what can I do? It's pretty much always been like this and I think Mum has just got used to it and the more she puts up with it, the more my Dad gives. He's not a very nice man.*

To describe your father such as this and it “pretty much always been like this” sounds awful OP.

I think you have done a good job of convincing yourself that it was ok. But I think your parents issues must have made for an unpleasant environment to grow up in.

And you’ve not even escaped it as an adult

And I think it is deeply unfair of your mother

It is oddly reassuring to hear other people saying that this happens to them, too.

I don't know the answer - only to change the subject when it comes up. I have tried answering, I have tried suggestions, I have tried explaining how it makes me feel sick to the stomach, but she does/can not hear me.

So I just accept it will happen and stay quiet, and accept I cannot change either them or the situation.

Slight development... my Mum dropped into conversation 'where would I go?' in response to me saying she doesn't have to stay with my Dad... I think maybe she would leave him if there was an easy solution - but there isn't, is there?
Dad won't leave the house. Mum would but to where? We couldn't have her (no room) and she doesn't have any other family or friends she could live with. I doubt she has enough money to rent anywhere... certainly not to buy...
What are her options?
I do want to help her and think she'd feel liberated to leave.
Though in her next breath she did say 'I think I'll stay'...

I assume, like other divorces, they would sell the house and each take a share. Do you think their assets would cover two smaller properties? Does she have a pension at all?

I don't think they'd go down the divorce route. I just think my Mum would leave him, maybe even temporarily as a kind of wake up call for my Dad ?
I think he thinks he can behave the way he does and get away with it because she doesn't have any other option than to put up with it...
He wouldn't sell the house and I don't think she'd make him / want him to.
I think she just wants to get away from him!

Maybe she needs a months stay in an Airbnb that might be cheaper over the winter months. Unless they have additional money for a bolt hole, I can't see how she can find somewhere to go, which is sad, but not unusual at their age

My mum complained bitterly about my dad's shortcomings until the day he died. She had plenty to complain about. But it spoilt our relationship. I was in my mid teens when I remember it starting in earnest, but there had been plenty of remarks before that. I didn't want to be her co-conspirator, but that's what I ended up as. She thinks he was alright now that he's dead.