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Original poster

Wwyd - Christmas without dc or holiday with exh?

110 replies

ChristmasWithDC · 28/09/2021 11:53

ExH and I split nearly 2 years ago. It’s as amicable as it can be, no cheating on either side. I initiated the split and originally exh wanted us to try again but has now accepted it. We both now have partners - I’ve been with someone for just over a year and he’s been with someone nearly half his age for a few months.

Anyway, when we split we agreed we’d alternate Christmas. ExH works over 200 miles away and also often has to work in the states for weeks at a time. I had dc last Christmas but Exh came over for the afternoon as he couldn’t travel anyway due to Covid. This year exh is due to be in the states from early Dec to end of Dec. His suggestion is that I take dc to somewhere in the Caribbean and he comes and joins us with his girlfriend for a few days staying at the same or nearby hotel. I said I wasn’t really comfortable doing that so he said then he’d ask his parents to do it so that he could still have his Christmas with them.

Dc are 5 and 9 so still absolutely love Christmas. I could cope with not having them for Christmas Day but for a whole week I’d feel absolutely bereft. ExH is very good with dc when he’s with them but due to his job I have essentially been a single parent for most of their lives in terms of time spent with them. He would generally only spend 2-3 days a month with us as a family even when we were married.

I’d like to think we could spend Christmas together but it’s not so much exh that I couldn’t tolerate being around, it’s his new girlfriend. She’s 23, an “influencer” and generally just spends her time either photographing herself with my dc/ asking me to photograph her with my dc/ posting photos on Instagram of her with my dc with the caption “family love 💕”/ giggling like a lunatic at whatever exh says, even if it’s something like “the traffic is bad today”/ making incredibly unsubtle “sexy” comments in front of exh.

It probably sounds like I’m jealous of the new girlfriend, maybe I am. I’m certainly jealous that she’s early 20’s, looks amazing and somehow makes money from photos of her arse. But mostly she’s just incredibly annoying.

I don’t know how much time we’d be expected to spend together though. ExH has said he’d like to be there when dc open their stockings and for us all to do a Christmas dinner together. I could cope with just that. I’m just concerned I’d get out there and be expected to spend my days with a 23 year old pretending to be the mother of my kids and end up absolutely blowing my top at her.

Wwyd?

OP posts:

Darker · 28/09/2021 12:00

Well it’s his turn to have the kids for Christmas so he should have them. I’d suggest that you and your partner are the ones staying in a different hotel for a few days. You can enjoy your child free time and see the children.

LtDansLegs · 28/09/2021 12:03

If it's his Christmas turn then it does sound fair! At that age a Christmas holiday in the Caribbean (especially after covid) would sound absolutely amazing if I'm honest.

You clearly don't like the new GF (by the first "half his age" comment I knew!) however you initiated the split, she wasn't the OW, and although she might be really annoying (does sound it!) you do also sound quite jealous. There's always things to find to be annoyed about someone if you already have decided you don't like them (I do the same!).

If you can manage to suck it up and go over then personally I would, it sounds like it could be a lovely time.

BingBongToTheMoon · 28/09/2021 12:05

So are you expected to trail yourself, your two children, all the Christmas presents to the Caribbean where your ex and his gf will be (her tottering around in a bikini likely)?
No…..fuck that for a game of soldiers!
I also wouldn’t be allowing their grandparents to take them either.

fumfspos · 28/09/2021 12:07

It's his turn to have them at Christmas so he needs to make appropriate arrangements.
I don't see why you should have to travel all the way to the Caribbean (even though I'm sure that would be lovely) with the children so that he and his influencer girlfriend can have a happy Christmas Day, making memories instagram hits and you spend the rest of the week doing all the care of the children while they swan around.

timeisnotaline · 28/09/2021 12:11

I would definitely be in a couples room with Dh enjoying my holiday if I went, possibly in a different hotel, assuming our time was free but joining up to see the kids here and there, and ex booking a family room with the dc. It’s his contact time.

Justmuddlingalong · 28/09/2021 12:20

I think if his DParents are willing to take the kids over so he can spend his turn with them, then that's the fair thing to do. You don't feel comfortable with the you going suggestion, so I think as long as he's taking responsibility for getting them over there, you have to accept that.

Naunet · 28/09/2021 12:24

@LtDansLegs

If it's his Christmas turn then it does sound fair! At that age a Christmas holiday in the Caribbean (especially after covid) would sound absolutely amazing if I'm honest.

If you can manage to suck it up and go over then personally I would, it sounds like it could be a lovely time.

We need to stop accusing women of being jealous just because they dislike someone who happens to be younger, or prettier than they are. It’s so patriarchal.

I don’t think you sound jealous at all OP, you just find her annoying, as would I. That vapid, shallow, self obsession is annoying to allot of people.

I think this is hard, yes it’s his turn for Christmas Day, but presumably not the whole week? Certainly wouldn’t go along to play nanny for him, but if you fancy it, maybe you could go just to see your children on Christmas day for a bit etc. You stay in another hotel though, it’s up to him to provide all of the actual care during his time, not just the fun bits.

twoandeights · 28/09/2021 12:29

Is he paying for it all? If he was I’d go and make sure it was top spec at his expense. Just spend as little time with the 20 year old as possible. If he’s expecting you to pay for a Xmas trip to the Caribbean to facilitate his contact?? Jog on! You don’t have to agree to him taking them out of the country. Are the countries he wants to go to even on the Covid green list? Have you checked that? Lots of those places are Red list and you can’t travel there. Mexico is red list for example.

MadeForThis · 28/09/2021 12:30

If he's paying and the kids would have a good time then go for it!!

Fillybuster · 28/09/2021 12:32

Assuming you can afford to travel to the Caribbean, the suggestion by a PP that you stay in another hotel (maybe booking an extra room for a few days so the kids stay half a week with you and half with DH?) is a good idea. That would give you some space and a real break without having to go a whole week without your dcs at xmas.

One thing really struck me in your post, OP. Why are you allowing images of your dcs to be shared on IG so publicly by ex-H's gf? If you're not comfortable with it (I know I wouldn't be!) then you would definitely be within your rights to stand your ground on that front. And maybe the whole influencing thing would irritate you less if you didn't feel that your dcs were being used as props?

Silenceisgolden20 · 28/09/2021 12:34

I think you need to separate the girlfriend issue to the alternate Christmas routine.
If it's turn to have Christmas with his kids, he kinda gets to plan things his way.
Despite the girlfriend.
Don't go with them, keep it separate.
It sucks and its hard but it's part of being divorced.
Make sure you have good friends to lean on.

Dozer · 28/09/2021 12:38

Who would be paying? If you, then definitely no!

I wouldn’t consent to the GPs flying the DC out to the Caribbean, either. Unless perhaps you have high trust in your ex’s parents and he would be meeting them upon arrival and they would be staying in his accommodation. And you think the DC would really enjoy the location. In that case I’d agree and accept that you won’t spend time with the DC this Xmas.

Your ex has ‘changed the deal’: assume the every other xmas was on assumption that this meant the UK. So I don’t think you need accommodate it.

Would also ask ex to stop his gf posting pictures of the DC on her social media!

Dozer · 28/09/2021 12:38

Disagree with PPs that because it’s ‘his turn for xmas’ that means the DC flying across continents!

Northeastsouthwest21 · 28/09/2021 12:40

@ChristmasWithDC I was going to say, first of all who is paying for this? And would your new partner be going with you if you do go? For those saying “well it’s his turn” …. I think “turns” go out the window when to have his turn OP has to take a flight to the carribean!!! If he’s paying for the holiday and you think your child would love Christmas there then go. If he’s not paying and/or your child would rather be at home at Christmas then your ex can’t have him this Christmas if he will be abroad and not home.

MintJulia · 28/09/2021 12:41

I'd go to the Caribbean and, while he and gf have the DCs in another hotel for a few days, I'd snooze on a beach, read books, explore the Island, hire a car or a bike. Go snorkelling or have a sailing lesson. Have a massage.

Sounds like bliss to me.

Madcats · 28/09/2021 12:43

Some Caribbean islands have strict Covid regulations and isolations at present.

I suggest your ex hires a villa (with pool) or a big Suite with/without his parents and you and your new man take the opportunity to have some child free time along the coast.

You could take the kids out with you for a couple of trips and drop the. Back in the evening.

Sounds fab

SleepingStandingUp · 28/09/2021 12:45

Who is he suggesting pays for it?

It's ridiculous pps expect you to pay to take your kids away to a place you don't want to go because he needs you to fit in with his life.

Either his parents take them or he gives up his turn this year

citycitycity · 28/09/2021 12:49

Or he could. One back to e UK for Christmas. Just because it’s his Christmas, it doesn’t mean you and the children need to go chasing him across the globe.

daisyjgrey · 28/09/2021 12:50

You are separated and this isn't about you unfortunately.

No parents who have split enjoy not having their children at Christmas but you have to suck it up to some extent. We are all bereft when we don't have our kids, we just learn to live with it.

Original poster

ChristmasWithDC · 28/09/2021 12:52

Wrt to girlfriend posting dc on Instagram exh knows that I hate this. His argument is that the dc’s are anonymous, she doesn’t mention them by name - he is only known as “her man” and my dc are referred to as “the boys” or “the monkeys” (🤢). I’ve not made too much of a fuss about it so far as I assumed it was a short term thing. He’s already planning for Christmas though and she can seemingly just trail after him rather than constantly waiting for him to come home, as I had to.

Unfortunately my boyfriend wouldn’t be able to come as he also has kids. He alternates Christmas Day and Boxing Day with his wife so it wouldn’t be practical for him to come out.

ExH’s parents are a bit of a pita. They never really liked me and are openly hostile towards me since the split. They are good with dc but do only see them a couple of times a year so expecting them to take dc (particularly 5yo who still needs to be entertained) in a 8+ hour flight is a lot.

The other issue is that both myself and boys are very ginger and freckly. We do not cope well in hot countries. I know when I take them I can ensure they are coated in factor 50 and wearing hats and rash vests at all times. I know exh won’t do this, especially if I nag him about it and then poor dc will be uncomfortable for their whole holiday.

I was just expecting him to have them for a couple of days. Serves me right for not getting absolutely all the details in writing, I suppose.

OP posts:

Sparkletastic · 28/09/2021 12:55

Do you and DP fancy Christmas in the Caribbean? If not ex H needs to either shorten the duration of his work trip or accept that he will be have a later Christmas celebration with the DCs this year.

chesirecat99 · 28/09/2021 12:55

She’s 23, an “influencer” and generally just spends her time either photographing herself with my dc/ asking me to photograph her with my dc/ posting photos on Instagram of her with my dc with the caption “family love 💕”

I’m just concerned I’d get out there and be expected to spend my days with a 23 year old pretending to be the mother of my kids and end up absolutely blowing my top at her.

This would really make me mad. Your DC aren't free models for her business. I would put a stop to her posting your DC all over social media.

It might be his Christmas but I guess that means it's your Boxing Day? So he needs to get them back to you. He can't do that if they are in the Caribbean.

However, it would be an amazing experience for the DC. I would agree to spending Christmas on holiday (assuming you can afford it) but stay at a different hotel and only get together for Christmas gifts or the DC go to their DF without you.

TBH, if they have only been dating for a few months, she may not be in the Instagrammable picture by then anyway...

Sparkletastic · 28/09/2021 12:56

Ah. In that case it would be a no from me.

litterbird · 28/09/2021 12:56

This type of compromise is what happens when you choose to divorce with children. It’s his turn to have them. I would be thrilled for the children having a Caribbean Christmas. I have done quite a few times and it will such great fun for them. I suggest you go, have a separate hotel and watch the joy in your children’s faces.

NigelSlatersXmasTaters · 28/09/2021 12:56

In the current climate where we've seen countries close their borders at a moments notice and families separated due to covid regulations there's no way I'd let them go without me. Even if it's not "fair". Life isn't fair, he can have them but he'll have to travel to them to do it.

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