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Original poster

Wwyd - Christmas without dc or holiday with exh?

110 replies

ChristmasWithDC · 28/09/2021 11:53

ExH and I split nearly 2 years ago. It’s as amicable as it can be, no cheating on either side. I initiated the split and originally exh wanted us to try again but has now accepted it. We both now have partners - I’ve been with someone for just over a year and he’s been with someone nearly half his age for a few months.

Anyway, when we split we agreed we’d alternate Christmas. ExH works over 200 miles away and also often has to work in the states for weeks at a time. I had dc last Christmas but Exh came over for the afternoon as he couldn’t travel anyway due to Covid. This year exh is due to be in the states from early Dec to end of Dec. His suggestion is that I take dc to somewhere in the Caribbean and he comes and joins us with his girlfriend for a few days staying at the same or nearby hotel. I said I wasn’t really comfortable doing that so he said then he’d ask his parents to do it so that he could still have his Christmas with them.

Dc are 5 and 9 so still absolutely love Christmas. I could cope with not having them for Christmas Day but for a whole week I’d feel absolutely bereft. ExH is very good with dc when he’s with them but due to his job I have essentially been a single parent for most of their lives in terms of time spent with them. He would generally only spend 2-3 days a month with us as a family even when we were married.

I’d like to think we could spend Christmas together but it’s not so much exh that I couldn’t tolerate being around, it’s his new girlfriend. She’s 23, an “influencer” and generally just spends her time either photographing herself with my dc/ asking me to photograph her with my dc/ posting photos on Instagram of her with my dc with the caption “family love 💕”/ giggling like a lunatic at whatever exh says, even if it’s something like “the traffic is bad today”/ making incredibly unsubtle “sexy” comments in front of exh.

It probably sounds like I’m jealous of the new girlfriend, maybe I am. I’m certainly jealous that she’s early 20’s, looks amazing and somehow makes money from photos of her arse. But mostly she’s just incredibly annoying.

I don’t know how much time we’d be expected to spend together though. ExH has said he’d like to be there when dc open their stockings and for us all to do a Christmas dinner together. I could cope with just that. I’m just concerned I’d get out there and be expected to spend my days with a 23 year old pretending to be the mother of my kids and end up absolutely blowing my top at her.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
NigelSlatersXmasTaters · 28/09/2021 18:49

3 hours to get through Heathrow 😂 won't happen....but if that's not acceptable for him to do alone why does he think it's acceptable to expect his parents and his children to do? Nah

Darker · 28/09/2021 18:57

In that case tell him his suggestion doesn't sound appealing and let him do the thinking and come up with a proposal. Maybe a longhaul trip isn't a great idea when covid is still so active.

MagnoliaBeige · 28/09/2021 19:06

Would you prefer if he ditched the Caribbean idea and you and the dc flew to the States? Gets rid of the issue of ginger hair and the sun, you book into a seperate hotel to him and the dc and see them a few times. New York would be amazing at that time of year….,,

Unsure3344 · 28/09/2021 19:31

If this means you being away for Xmas with your own family and DP I don’t see why any of this is your issue.

It may be his turn for Xmas with the kids but that doesn’t count as a whole week abroad.

We alternate half the day each swapping Xmas dinner each year. However if we did a whole day I would be expecting my Xmas on Boxing Day or maybe at a push the day after. I wouldn’t be expecting my kids to be gone a week (and they are older than yours!)

So I think yes it’s his turn for Xmas, so if he wants that, he will have to fly home. If he can fly to the carribean for a week and be away from work; why can’t he fly home for a week to do Xmas with them that’s fair?

Yes it’s his turn, but for a day, not a week!

Yesitsbess · 28/09/2021 19:48

Just to clarify:

You and your partner are to take time off work (possibly), go through the 3 hour Heathrow hell that he wants to avoid himself with two children (option on ex PIL who don't like you) and fly somewhere convenient for him and his GF - I see your influencer and raise you a reality TV person - (I feel your pain there) so that you can both be unpaid childcare, and your DP can miss Christmas with his own children in order to facilitate this. Also your children will probably get insanely burned and or into distress in the water.

Am I missing anything here?

Because that sounds like a slippery slope to NOPE.

Dozer · 28/09/2021 19:56

Your ex is seeking to take ‘facilitated man’ to whole new levels! He has some sense of entitlement. Working abroad, you doing almost all the parenting, and asking this of you/the DC.

Would re appraise the balance of ‘give and take’ in your co parenting.

Dozer · 28/09/2021 19:57

If I was your boyfriend I’d be so unimpressed if you even mooted this idea.

OrangeTortoise · 28/09/2021 20:06

If you say no, do you think his parents will say yes? You say he hasn't asked them yet. I can imagine them saying no (for a variety of reasons), in which case the problem goes away!

NapoleonOzmolysis · 28/09/2021 20:28

Hahaha so he can't be arsed queuing for 3 hours at Heathrow but reckons you and your kids will be absolutely fine with it, and if you let his elderly parents do it instead then the kids won't actually be spending time with him or them - they'll be in the kids club? And in the middle of a pandemic? Tell him to jog on.

ChristmasPlannier · 28/09/2021 20:37

@Yesitsbess

Just to clarify:

You and your partner are to take time off work (possibly), go through the 3 hour Heathrow hell that he wants to avoid himself with two children (option on ex PIL who don't like you) and fly somewhere convenient for him and his GF - I see your influencer and raise you a reality TV person - (I feel your pain there) so that you can both be unpaid childcare, and your DP can miss Christmas with his own children in order to facilitate this. Also your children will probably get insanely burned and or into distress in the water.

Am I missing anything here?

Because that sounds like a slippery slope to NOPE.

@Yesitsbess has nailed it.

But I'd probably start packing now feeing rage at the situation and fear of the kids in water

Isthisit22 · 28/09/2021 20:52

Call his bluff. Say that you can't go (make up a reason). I bet a million pounds that it will be too much hassle for him to organise this and that it just won't happen.

Original poster
ChristmasWithDC · 28/09/2021 20:54

He’d only be there for 3 days of the at week and will be expecting to work for one of them.

OP posts:
OrangeTortoise · 28/09/2021 20:56

Sounds like you need to say no OP.

Original poster
ChristmasWithDC · 28/09/2021 20:58

yesitsbess there’s no way my dp would come even if he wanted to as he alternated Christmas with his ex so he has them for Christmas Day, she has them for Boxing Day and vice versa. Like I imagine most separated couples do.

isthisit22 that’s just it though, he wouldn’t see them. The boys miss their dad terribly and, although he’s a generally shit person he is very good with them when he does actually see them. I don’t ever want them to look back on their childhood and think I didn’t do everything I could to facilitate contact.

OP posts:
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 28/09/2021 21:04

I was going to say let them go. If he's only going to see them for 3 days though I'm not sure unless they would enjoy the time with their gps

Mine are going to their dad's in ireland for a week over Christmas . It woll be the first time in the 3 years weve been split up he'll have them for christmas

Darker · 28/09/2021 21:05

I hear you OP. It’s crap and once the kids are grown up you can’t go back.

Could you grit your teeth and speak to your in-laws about it on some kind of pretext?

Redwinestillfine · 28/09/2021 21:06

Tell him if he wants to fly here, pick them up, fly back to states, then bring them back 4 days later that's fine. Otherwise you have them and he can plan it better next year.

Biscuits1 · 28/09/2021 21:16

If you had to pay, I would say no way, but the fact that he is offering to pay for the holiday is a game changer.

MiddleParking · 28/09/2021 21:30

His girlfriend asks you, his ex wife, to take photos of her with your children? For her to then post against your wishes? Weird.

All of this plan just sounds like a huge no. Absolutely no need for anyone involved to be in the Caribbean as far as I can see. If you’ve got a five and a nine year old who live in the UK, you make it your business to be in the UK for Christmas and very, very little should be able to come in the way of that. What use does a typical British five year old have for Christmas in the Caribbean anyway? That’s without the potential for big travel disruption.

Original poster
ChristmasWithDC · 28/09/2021 22:33

The only time she asked I didn’t realise she was going to post them. She asked me to take a couple of just her as I used to do a bit of photography and actually quite enjoy it. Then said “let’s have one with the boys and she took one of me with them and I took one of her”. Which she then posted with some stupid tag like “family time 💕” or “making memories with my monkeys 💕”. These then always get loads of comments asking if they’re hers and how can she have kids when she’s so young which she’ll just reply to with “thanks babe” rather than “no, they’re my boyfriend’s kids who I’ve met half a dozen times”. And yes, I know I need to stop looking but I can’t and even just writing it down is making me furious with her. I can’t go on holiday with the woman, I’d drown her.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 28/09/2021 23:15

This is all way too much effort for you to go to just to maintain the charade he’s a good dad for your kids.
‘So just to be clear, it’s too much effort for you to wait childfree 3 hours at Heathrow and travel 5 hours here so you’d rather I or your parents do that with two small children in tow? I’m sure you would, but we won’t be. I’m not taking them on holiday for you to turn up for your contact time, you can collect them here. Note I would also not be able to see my partner at Christmas to enable you to take yours on a holiday, why don’t you instead cancel some work to spend time with your kids without massively inconveniencing me, their mother? I’m also not letting your parents take them for a week, both because we have no agreement you can take them for the whole of Christmas and because I’m not sure they can cope with this travel with children that you think is too much effort for you solo.

Absolutely not. He’d only turn up for 3 days and work one of them? What if one of the kids hated kids club? They are little and it happens. Sounds like tough luck daddy doesn’t love you that much. If he wants to see them, he can come see them.

HalzTangz · 28/09/2021 23:51

OP did you have the kids for 5 days over Xmas last year, if so it is fair he has the same this year. You have been given the opportunity to also go so you can still spend time with the children.

Surely you can bite your tongue for 5 days

Sakurami · 29/09/2021 00:16

No way would I fly to the other side of the world so my ex could spend some time with the kids. If he wants to see them he can come to london or where you live. They're too young to go without you and I don't see why you should have to do a journey he's not prepared to take.

user1481840227 · 29/09/2021 00:54

I don’t know how much time we’d be expected to spend together though. ExH has said he’d like to be there when dc open their stockings and for us all to do a Christmas dinner together. I could cope with just that. I’m just concerned I’d get out there and be expected to spend my days with a 23 year old pretending to be the mother of my kids and end up absolutely blowing my top at her.

Why would you be expected to spend loads of time with her? Wouldn't you have several days where they weren't there? That could be amazing. You could plan some fun things to do with the kids. I know it's Christmas time and you said you don't do well in heat but you could probably still come up with things.

You said he's only going to be there for 3 days and probably working for 1, so that's another day where you don't have to be around her.

And then on the 2 days they're there surely he would like some alone time with the kids and you could go and have naps or a massage or just hide in your room lol
So I would say it would be easy to get away with a minimum amount of time with her.

urbanbuddha · 29/09/2021 01:31

Also exh’s whole issue of a 5hour drive to the airport plus 3 hours to get through Heathrow is just passed onto me/ his parents. It’s not like the issue goes away.

Easy to see why he's an ex.
I think I'd be a bit firmer about saying no, sorry, that doesn't work for us. London can be fun and exciting and a chance for new Instagram skills. It's easy to take pretty pictures when the light's good. Time for a challenge.
Wrt to the photos of your kids I'd be VERY firm about that not happening again. You're their parent - she needs your permission. Just say no.