Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know I'm BU. But I'm really struggling with my boyfriend's unemployment. How do I process this?

125 replies

user1971 · 27/09/2021 23:10

My bf has been out of work for nearly 3 months. We don't live together, or have plans to, so there's no issue with him being a cocklodger or spending my money or anything like that. He's trying to find work. As far as I can tell he's trying fairly hard at the actual job hunting. He's had dozens of interviews and not been offered anything.

I'm finding it increasingly hard to deal with. I know I'm being unreasonable and I haven't expressed this to him, but I am increasingly losing respect for him. He is a kind, considerate man who I am in general attracted to but at the moment he seems not to have any real direction or motivation and when he's not applying for stuff spends most of his free time playing video games or sleeping.

I work about 12-13 hour days at the moment in a really stressful job and am a single parent so I literally never get a minute to myself. I've worked insanely hard to get where I am in work and am very driven I have to be to support my kid so I just don't really relate to people who are happy doing nothing and who don't want to improve their situation in life. I get messages from him periodically through the day saying things like "I'm just going to have a nap" and I feel like killing him. I know he understands in theory how busy I am but the less he does the less respect I have for him.

I know he can't control his work situation but he seems not to have any motivation to do anything else with his free time except sleep and game and seems to have little motivation to do anything more constructive with his time. He doesn't have dependents so its not as if he's letting others down, but it just feels a bit gross that he is just able to sit around doing nothing.

I understand there's a high chance he's struggling and depressed and I've tried to talk to him about this but he's not good at opening up and has insisted he's fine. And I don't want to push it and make him feel more stressed if he wants to handle it his own way.

I know he'll find a job eventually. But I have lost a lot of respect for him in the way he's handled it and I wonder if I just need to find someone more ambitious and if it will eventually kill the relationship even when he does find work. It's a shame because he's otherwise lovely. But I just can't understand how a grown man can while away whole days on the internet and in bed.

OP posts:
Bagamoyo1 · 28/09/2021 00:07

I sympathise OP.
I was in a similar situation many years ago - lovely man, kind, sweet - got made redundant and just slipped seamlessly into a life of slobbing around and living off his parents money. He applied for a couple of jobs but he didn’t seem to really care. I don’t think he was depressed as such. Just directionless.
Sadly I lost all respect for him, and then I stopped fancying him, so we broke up.
I’m not money-motivated and I’m not impressed by ferocious ambition, but his inertia was just too much for me.

RantyAunty · 28/09/2021 00:26

I hear you. I won't ever again be with someone who does the bare minimum and does nothing to improve their lot in life.

You didn't say what he does but if he's getting lots of interviews and no offers, he's stuffing up the interviews some how. He should at least be trying to figure that out and improve his interviewing skills.

WatieKatie · 28/09/2021 00:33

How is he managing financially if he isn’t working?

Shablam · 28/09/2021 00:34

You've said that he's trying hard to find work and despite multiple interviews he's not been successful at finding work. I understand that him napping, gaming etc sounds like slacking to you, but what exactly do you want him to spend his time doing?

His inability to find a job must be horribly upsetting, and financially pressured. You don't live together so he's obviously bearing the financial burden of this alone.

If he's had dozens of interviews I don't see how he's been doing nothing. Applying for jobs takes time. Sorry, but you sound like you lack empathy for a situation that really doesn't impact you.

Motnight · 28/09/2021 00:53

I agree with @Shablam. Your partner is working hard at job hunting if he has had dozens of interviews. Even if he spends 7 hours a day Monday to Friday job hunting he will still have loads of free time to do other stuff.

It's horrible to be unemployed and job hunting.

MoChridhe · 28/09/2021 05:12

Have some empathy. He is getting interviews, which is a good sign that he's good on paper. He has his CV ready and it only takes a few minutes to send it off. There are not enough job vacancies for him to send CVs 35 hours a week. Maybe gaming is his way of coping while waiting to hear back. If all his friends are employed who is he supposed to meet up with in the daytime. He is not earning a wage and should not be spending his savings going into town every day to eat out or take part in activities that you deem good enough. Be patient with him, his joblessness will not be forever. My hardworking DH lost his job during the recession, it was the first real test if our marriage cos I got to see him feel like a failure for 6 months. Some days he wouldn't bring himself to get out of bed. But he did eventually find the right job.

MintJulia · 28/09/2021 05:23

OP, have you ever been made redundant?

I was out of work from September 20 to February 21 (covid).

I'm a single mum, work insanely hard, always busy etc. I applied for about 100 jobs, spent 6 hours a day job hunting or interviewing.

BUT it is stressful. You have to take a break from interviewing and searching the job boards or it drags you down. I don't like computer games but I played CandyCrush a lot on wet or cold days. It's free, it is escapism. Being unemployed is lonely and stressful, depressing and joyless. It makes you tired. I napped a lot too.

I hope he finds something soon. Perhaps you could try to be a little more empathetic.

category12 · 28/09/2021 05:30

Do you know how shit it feels to go to interviews repeatedly and get rejected? It's tough emotionally.

Sounds like he needs to focus on interview skills.

Presumably he's short of money as well, so staying at home isn't the worst choice.

What do you want him to be doing when he's not jobseeking?

Dancingsmile · 28/09/2021 05:38

It depends where you live in the country.
There are areas where there are very few vacancies and prospects are poor.
However many places there are jobs in hospitality, caring etc.
If you're in the first that's incredibly tough and he needs your support.
If it's the second then I'd be looking at him as lazy. There's agency work whilst he looks for a job he enjoys. He could get a job somewhere and use it as a stop gap.

AhNowTed · 28/09/2021 05:59

It's really tough out there. Countless thousands have lost their jobs, few who left uni last year have found work.

3 months is nothing in the current climate.

And he's trying.

Give the poor guy a break.

Freeloadingtosser · 28/09/2021 06:07

I'm not sure what you want him to be doing, if he's already applying hard and getting the interviews, there are only so many jobs he can apply for.

My very hardworking friend was made redundant recently and did countless interviews before being made an offer, loads were recruiters wasting his time, lots had internal candidates already and were going through the fair and open recruitment motions. You might say he could be volunteering or doing online courses but hes already a viable candidate if he's getting the interviews.

I don't find grown men gaming particularly attractive either but if you say he's trying and accept he has limited control, honestly, what would you like to see him doing? He needs some downtime.

Do you think his work life in general could be better/he doesn't have the same career drive that you do and this has highlighted it? That he's not applying or interviewing effectively?

If there isn't more to what you've written then you're not sounding very empathetic, I'm afraid. I'm also very driven and find that an attractive quality but it does read as though this guy is doing at least a reasonable amount to find work.

SuperstarDog · 28/09/2021 06:22

What would you like him to be doing that doesn’t cost money, that I’m presuming he doesn’t have or want to spend at the moment?

It just sounds like you’re annoyed that you are busy with work and being a parent. Neither are his fault. He’s lost his jobs and isn’t a parent. He’s looking for work. You’ve said he’s kind and considerate.
You’ve already said you know you’re being unreasonable, and I agree you are.
I hope he finds employment soon.

SylvanasWindrunner · 28/09/2021 06:26

But what else do you want him to do? He's applying for jobs, getting interviews. Why not have a nap or do something he enjoys? He'll probably be back in work soon enough. Dozens of interviews in three months sounds like he's doing plenty to find a job, so it just seems like he isn't doing anything you deem 'worthy enough' with his free time.

Bluntness100 · 28/09/2021 06:29

I don’t have any sympathy for you at all. It’s only been three months, you sound controlling and judgemental. He’s clearly trying very hard to find a job, wtf has it got to do with you how he spends the rest of his time? Why do judgey?

TractorAndHeadphones · 28/09/2021 06:29

@SuperstarDog

What would you like him to be doing that doesn’t cost money, that I’m presuming he doesn’t have or want to spend at the moment?

It just sounds like you’re annoyed that you are busy with work and being a parent. Neither are his fault. He’s lost his jobs and isn’t a parent. He’s looking for work. You’ve said he’s kind and considerate.
You’ve already said you know you’re being unreasonable, and I agree you are.
I hope he finds employment soon.

This. Please explain how you would deal with it if you didn’t have a child and was unemployed. What ‘productive’ endeavour would you be working on?

It’s different if he wasn’t applying for as many jobs as he could.

Bluntness100 · 28/09/2021 06:31

@Bagamoyo1

I sympathise OP. I was in a similar situation many years ago - lovely man, kind, sweet - got made redundant and just slipped seamlessly into a life of slobbing around and living off his parents money. He applied for a couple of jobs but he didn’t seem to really care. I don’t think he was depressed as such. Just directionless. Sadly I lost all respect for him, and then I stopped fancying him, so we broke up. I’m not money-motivated and I’m not impressed by ferocious ambition, but his inertia was just too much for me.
That’s nothing similar at all Confused
AhNowTed · 28/09/2021 06:35

Guy loses job in lockdown and struggles to get another whilst competing with countless others.

Hold the front page.

interest12 · 28/09/2021 06:36

Being unemployed can be very demoralising but it sounds like he’s trying in that department.
That said, grown men who play video games is a massive turnoff IMO and in my experience should be viewed as a red flag of a man child

ItsSnowJokes · 28/09/2021 06:43

You are being horrible and really unreasonable. Each application can take 3-4 hours to tailor to the job, he is obviously doing well as getting loads of interviews.

You need a bit more empathy. I was made redundant earlier this year and it knocked me for 6. I felt worthless, useless and like I just worked for nothing as they obviously didn't see how much I did. My mental health was very low, and it was a real struggle. I got a job 6 weeks later but I am still very anxious that I will be made redundant at any moment. I also struggle with making relationships at work and getting close to work colleagues as I had what I thought were friends who have literally never contacted me since they announced the redundancies. They didn't want to be tainted with talking to the leavers. It happened to all of us that were made redundant not just me. He is probably feeling awful.

gerispringer · 28/09/2021 06:53

When my DD was out of work she volunteered at a foodbank and primary school, she helped with the garden and with others gardens. She did couch to 5k and got fit. She didn’t slob around playing games and quickly got a great job. I’m with the OP on this one, he could be far more pro active and at least get off his bum.

AhNowTed · 28/09/2021 06:56

@gerispringer

When my DD was out of work she volunteered at a foodbank and primary school, she helped with the garden and with others gardens. She did couch to 5k and got fit. She didn’t slob around playing games and quickly got a great job. I’m with the OP on this one, he could be far more pro active and at least get off his bum.

Did you not read the OP?

"He's trying to find work. As far as I can tell he's trying fairly hard at the actual job hunting. He's had dozens of interviews and not been offered anything."

gerispringer · 28/09/2021 07:03

Yes I did read the OP AhnowTed she said he spent most of his free time playing games or sleeping. We aren’t told how many hours this covers, but doubtless he could be getting something more constructive done in the hours he’s not actually applying for jobs which I doubt are that many hours per day. This is what is irritating the OP.

Ichangemynameagain · 28/09/2021 07:11

@gerispringer

Yes I did read the OP AhnowTed she said he spent most of his free time playing games or sleeping. We aren’t told how many hours this covers, but doubtless he could be getting something more constructive done in the hours he’s not actually applying for jobs which I doubt are that many hours per day. This is what is irritating the OP.
Well if the OP is working 12 hour days, say he spends the average 7.5 hour working day job hunting, he still has 4.5 hours to fill until the OP finishes work. What should he do then?

This is how it should be looked at really. Would the OP be annoyed if he was working a 7.5 hour day and then sitting around on the Xbox while she was still at work. I know people who do feel this way. Partner is working but "not as hard" as them. To me it sounds like OP has a lot on her plate and is resentful of people who do not TBH.

SuperstarDog · 28/09/2021 07:16

That said, grown men who play video games is a massive turnoff IMO and in my experience should be viewed as a red flag of a man child

I hate this mumsnet response to video games. Why is it any different to any other hobby? To me a hobby should be something you enjoy and people enjoy different things.
My partner works hard and is a good partner and dad. So when he has free time why would it be a red flag that he chooses to play a video game rather than read or play football or cycle or...whatever. I think it’s a red flag to have an issue with certain hobbies, very judgemental and I’d certainly be controlling if I tried to change how he spends his free time. Also most men I know that play video games don’t spend all their free time doing it.

AhNowTed · 28/09/2021 07:18

@gerispringer

Yes I did read the OP AhnowTed she said he spent most of his free time playing games or sleeping. We aren’t told how many hours this covers, but doubtless he could be getting something more constructive done in the hours he’s not actually applying for jobs which I doubt are that many hours per day. This is what is irritating the OP.

Bully for your daughter.

Being out of work and job hunting can be utterly soul destroying.

Characterising the boyfriend as doing nothing is grossly unfair.

Seems to me he's doing plenty, by the OPs own admission.

Sure we could all volunteer at a food bank, but instead he's actively looking for paid work.