I know I'm BU. But I'm really struggling with my boyfriend's unemployment. How do I process this?

[user1971]

My bf has been out of work for nearly 3 months. We don't live together, or have plans to, so there's no issue with him being a cocklodger or spending my money or anything like that. He's trying to find work. As far as I can tell he's trying fairly hard at the actual job hunting. He's had dozens of interviews and not been offered anything.

I'm finding it increasingly hard to deal with. I know I'm being unreasonable and I haven't expressed this to him, but I am increasingly losing respect for him. He is a kind, considerate man who I am in general attracted to but at the moment he seems not to have any real direction or motivation and when he's not applying for stuff spends most of his free time playing video games or sleeping.

I work about 12-13 hour days at the moment in a really stressful job and am a single parent so I literally never get a minute to myself. I've worked insanely hard to get where I am in work and am very driven I have to be to support my kid so I just don't really relate to people who are happy doing nothing and who don't want to improve their situation in life. I get messages from him periodically through the day saying things like "I'm just going to have a nap" and I feel like killing him. I know he understands in theory how busy I am but the less he does the less respect I have for him.

I know he can't control his work situation but he seems not to have any motivation to do anything else with his free time except sleep and game and seems to have little motivation to do anything more constructive with his time. He doesn't have dependents so its not as if he's letting others down, but it just feels a bit gross that he is just able to sit around doing nothing.

I understand there's a high chance he's struggling and depressed and I've tried to talk to him about this but he's not good at opening up and has insisted he's fine. And I don't want to push it and make him feel more stressed if he wants to handle it his own way.

I know he'll find a job eventually. But I have lost a lot of respect for him in the way he's handled it and I wonder if I just need to find someone more ambitious and if it will eventually kill the relationship even when he does find work. It's a shame because he's otherwise lovely. But I just can't understand how a grown man can while away whole days on the internet and in bed.

My daughter's quality of life depends on my ability to earn as much money as I can.
No op your wrong. Utterly "you're talking bollocks" wrong.

Your daughters quality of life depends on

• you earning enough to provide a safe and secure home - physically and emotionally. That means a decent home and food but also a well and present parent.
• a good range of additional activities - yes some might be paid for but there's plenty you can do for free
• love and support - there's no question on the former but the latter needs to be you more than stuff you paid for and it doesn’t involve a parent who is burnt out

Maybe use this as an opportunity to understand that a low point can affect anyone in life. Anyone can suddenly get ill, lose their job or have something like a bereavement happen to them that just knocks them off their game for a while before they claw their way back up the mountain.

It sounds like he’s working hard to get out of this rut. No it’s not admirable or glamorous to spend free time gaming or napping but it’s probably bringing him some comfort and helping him recharge so it isn’t wasted time.

It doesn’t sound like he’s given it all up for the life of a slob. He is adapting to the challenge that he’s been thrown.

It's something I have to do because I don't get any financial support from anyone else. My daughter's quality of life depends on my ability to earn as much money as I can. So while I do understand it sounds slightly unhealthy

Does you're daughter have complex medical needs and you live in a place where you have to pay for them?

Because otherwise, this seems wrong.
Plenty of help and assistance for people to work fewer hours. Child Benefit & Universal Credit to name 2.

If you think that somehow you're teaching your child a good and healthy work ethic... Yeah, kids don't understand those concepts, they just grow up thinking their parents would rather be with Mike at work, than spending time with them.

Op, as you have stated, this was ingrained in your childhood, so you would be behaving and living your life like this with or without your child.
Don't use your child for your reasons. As another poster has already said, a child doesn't need that for 'a best life'

Youev already said a brighter person would be doing x,y and z to find a job. So he's not living up to your expectations or bright enough and you are judging him on your standards.
He doesn't stand a chance.
Things like redundancy, difficulties can happen to ANYONE at any time.
What makes you so perfect o judge him? Because you work 60 hours a week?
Does that make you brighter somehow?

Doesn't make you a better parent and doesn't make you a better partner.
How he behaves will be coming from his own triggers and his own childhood, nothing to do with you.
If you can't be supportive, leave him and find this magical man who lives up to what you want.

I don’t see it at all like you want a guy’s money or want a guy who earns a lot. It’s the literal opposite. You want to be independent and make your own money, and you work extremely hard to do so.

If you’re happy with your life and this is how you prefer to be, then that’s how it is! It’s not for anyone else to dictate. It’s up to you to determine whether you think it’s detrimental in any way or not.

It’s also really interesting that you say you’d like someone to be as hardworking as you and to help take the load off, so that you’re not always the one doing everything.

I’m not sure of your situation or how much your living costs are etc., but it makes me wonder. Is there a way to have a great quality of life and work less? What I mean is, taking the load of yourself.

Because if you think about it, there’s an irony in the fact that you work so hard to avoid relying on a man, yet unconsciously want to be able to rely on one to help ease your load. I wonder if you eased your own load, would this actually be the key to what you’ve been looking for in a partner?

The alternative perspective is that you’re simply more compatible with a partner who is equally productive and highly focused on work, fitness, or some other key aspect of life.

With the greatest of respect OP, I believe you mentioned working 60-65 hours per week to achieve a good standard of living. Do you think that you could do with reflecting on your working practices and methodologies if it is taking you so long to get the job done? I don't know what industry you're in but it doesn't sound very efficient. Could.some of it be performative- that is to say feeding into your opinion in of yourself as a hard worker at the core? Could it be control- based, can't you delegate and manage better to not have to do such long hours, take on extra staff if you're self employed or do you perhaps not trust others to work to the same standards?

@WormYourHonour

It's something I have to do because I don't get any financial support from anyone else. My daughter's quality of life depends on my ability to earn as much money as I can. So while I do understand it sounds slightly unhealthy

Does you're daughter have complex medical needs and you live in a place where you have to pay for them?

Because otherwise, this seems wrong.
Plenty of help and assistance for people to work fewer hours. Child Benefit & Universal Credit to name 2.

If you think that somehow you're teaching your child a good and healthy work ethic... Yeah, kids don't understand those concepts, they just grow up thinking their parents would rather be with Mike at work, than spending time with them.

I get your broader point...

But I can hardly resign a job in order to claim Universal Credit?

I totally understand what some of you are saying about overwork. But its not quite as simple as just cutting back hours etc. I have to work like this to keep my job. Yes I could move jobs but that's not without some disruption and risk.

But I can hardly resign a job in order to claim Universal Credit?

Universal credit isn't for out of work people, most claimants are in work. You could work 30hours minimum wage and it would top your income.

But obviously it depends what you do and your income levels and lifestyle. If you're doing 60 hours a week to pay £2k on rent, £300 car payment, £100 phone, £80 credit cards, £100 Sky TV etc etc. It wouldn't help...
But if you're doing 60 hours a week and barely scraping by anyway... I think a change in outlook would be more advantageous to a boyfriend.

you do say you think he should be helping you out/easing your burden

With what? childcare? cleaning your house? really not appropriate for a boyfriend of 3 months.

@WormYourHonour

But I can hardly resign a job in order to claim Universal Credit?

Universal credit isn't for out of work people, most claimants are in work. You could work 30hours minimum wage and it would top your income.

But obviously it depends what you do and your income levels and lifestyle. If you're doing 60 hours a week to pay £2k on rent, £300 car payment, £100 phone, £80 credit cards, £100 Sky TV etc etc. It wouldn't help...
But if you're doing 60 hours a week and barely scraping by anyway... I think a change in outlook would be more advantageous to a boyfriend.

Sorry, but I don't want to be working minimum wage. I don't think that would particularly be in my daughter's best interests. If it were forced upon me I'd manage but I'm not going to resign a well-paid and interesting job for a minimum wage one. If I'm going to be working even 30 hours a week I want it to be stimulating work.

There's some balance to be found, for sure, but chucking in a career for a job I don't like is definitely not the solution. I don't think it sets a great example to my daughter either, tbh.

@burnoutbabe

you do say you think he should be helping you out/easing your burden

With what? childcare? cleaning your house? really not appropriate for a boyfriend of 3 months.

Three years. Not three months.

There's some balance to be found, for sure, but chucking in a career for a job I don't like is definitely not the solution. I don't think it sets a great example to my daughter either, tbh.

It was an example, I didn't suggest quitting to do minimum wage.
At the end of the day, your choose what you choose. If you choose to mortgage your limited time on earth to the value of 65 hours weekly and be away from my daughter for the sake of your career, that's on you. The repercussions of teaching your daughter that will be on you too.
Careers and jobs come and go. If you dropped dead tomorrow, your work will fill your role and no one will give a shit in a month.

@WormYourHonour

There's some balance to be found, for sure, but chucking in a career for a job I don't like is definitely not the solution. I don't think it sets a great example to my daughter either, tbh.

It was an example, I didn't suggest quitting to do minimum wage.
At the end of the day, your choose what you choose. If you choose to mortgage your limited time on earth to the value of 65 hours weekly and be away from my daughter for the sake of your career, that's on you. The repercussions of teaching your daughter that will be on you too.
Careers and jobs come and go. If you dropped dead tomorrow, your work will fill your role and no one will give a shit in a month.

Yeah I think we're going to have to agree to disagree on this.

I agree that I work far too hard but I don't intrinsically think having a well paid and stimulating job is a bad example to set a child. I think the "repercussions" as you put it, of taking a far lower paid and less interesting job would be much worse for both of us. Not least from the point of view that I'd be miserable and she would pick up on this. I do think fundamentally that for a single woman to be successful is a good example to set a child.

I have learned a lot of lessons from this thread about the cost of overworking and its been very valuable. But chucking in a good job for a bad one ain't the answer.

Ah there it is . It is how you define success.
Is this man not successful enough for you?

We will have to disagree.

Especially you claiming you have a good job...

I've had to work four times as hard as others (particularly men) to get past the work logistics and the stigma

I am probably a proper (clinical) workaholic. I know its a bit out of hand.

I have to work like this to keep my job

So on and so on..
That is not a good job worth miss g out on your child's life for.

Good luck though.

but could you not do your interesting job over 4 days etc?

I assume this is just showing you that you 2 are not suited. 3 years together, no plans to live together, maybe not ever so really a boyfriend, not a partner and maybe thats just not enough now. You'd prefer a partner in life and not iust a boyfriend who lives with flatmates/plays games. more a potential husband sort of man.

@burnoutbabe

but could you not do your interesting job over 4 days etc?

I assume this is just showing you that you 2 are not suited. 3 years together, no plans to live together, maybe not ever so really a boyfriend, not a partner and maybe thats just not enough now. You'd prefer a partner in life and not iust a boyfriend who lives with flatmates/plays games. more a potential husband sort of man.

I don't want to live with him. I never want to live with a man or be married again. Much prefer the arrangement we have now.

@WormYourHonour

We will have to disagree.

Especially you claiming you have a good job...

I've had to work four times as hard as others (particularly men) to get past the work logistics and the stigma

I am probably a proper (clinical) workaholic. I know its a bit out of hand.

I have to work like this to keep my job

So on and so on..
That is not a good job worth miss g out on your child's life for.

Good luck though.

I think you are slightly missing the point though. I totally take on board what you're saying about overwork.

But its just not as simple as you are making it out to be.

The reality is that I need to work fairly hard to meet the overheads of my child's life.

In order to significantly reduce my hours I would have to significantly reduce my income. That may or may not be a tradeoff worth making (personally I don't believe it would be). But it would mean moving out of the city I live in. It would mean changing schools and moving my daughter away from her friends and family.

I am fine with people suggesting I have too much pressure in my working life. But the idea that I can simply skip off somewhere and start stacking supermarket shelves without some disruption to my daughter's life and some downgrade in the quality of her life is naive.

It's not just about big house, big car, mobile phones either before someone chips in with that old chestnut. I live fairly modestly but I have a lot of outgoings, mainly in childcare and mortgage. Yes I could ship out to rural Wales or whatever and reduce that. But it would be really hard to find another job there. And this would be at least as disruptive to my daughter as the amount of hours I work.

Forgive my mentioning what might be obvious, but can you redress the balance and ask him to do something for you that might help him (and you?)

If i were working that many hours a week I would really appreciate someone to cook dinner occasionally. Or even clean my kitchen.

i had a boyfriend who did that more than once when the kids were younger and it was a big help.

But just for once, I would like for someone else to be as hard-working as I am and for them to take some of the load off. So its not me doing absolutely everything.
I don't want to live with him. I never want to live with a man or be married again. Much prefer the arrangement we have now.

Honestly @user1971 , I’m not sure you really know what you want yourself. The above are both quotes from you, but are completely contradictory. On one hand you want your bf to be as hardworking as you, to ‘take some of the load off’. But on the other hand, you ‘never want to live with’ him.
I’m just wondering how you imagine this working? Assuming your bf matched your hours, earnings etc. How do you envision him preventing you from ‘doing absolutely everything’, if you don’t want to live together?

I think this may be different personalities / values. You may be Type A while he is Type B. Some people go through life taking each day as it comes, others are more driven. As a more laid back type it would drive me nuts to have a workaholic on my case of I ever became unemployed! I tend to keep my stresses and worries inside, and could well imagine using naps and gaming as distractions when I'm stressed. It doesn't hurt anyone, although you are within your rights to decide it isn't what you want from a partner!

I don't think failing to get a few interviews necessarily means he is doing something wrong - sometimes there is an internal candidate, or your fave just doesn't fit.

I guess you have to consider if you are truly compatible?

I

What a horrible post. I'm so glad my partner wasn't like this when I became unemployed. He's trying, that's all that matters and I don't see an issue with gaming to relax. Give him a break. He is not perfect

3 months is hardly any time at all in the current job market.

Re being driven- it's good that you want to provide for your child. But there are dangers in being driven. I am that way naturally - very driven in work/ study.

But after decades of this it has made me very unwell. I wish I could have achieved balance before now.

It's possible to excel and also have balance imho.

my dad was one of the most ambitious people you can imagine. I reacted against that in many ways because it isn't a great way to live

I was brought up in an environment where sitting around was really really frowned upon, so that's probably coloured my judgement a lot. My parents used to freak out when we watched TV for example. I know that's weird but that was my upbringing. If someone tells me they are gaming or whatever during working hours I find it a bit triggering.

Unfortunately your parents seem to have passed this onto you.

There will be a finite amount of jobs he can apply for, then what do you think he should be doing? Reading instead of gaming? Why don't you tell him you might dump him because of his gaming and tell him to call it reading instead when talking to you? And if he is going to have a nap he could message you to say he is going for a 5k run, would that make you feel better about how he's spending his time?