I know I'm BU. But I'm really struggling with my boyfriend's unemployment. How do I process this?

[user1971]

My bf has been out of work for nearly 3 months. We don't live together, or have plans to, so there's no issue with him being a cocklodger or spending my money or anything like that. He's trying to find work. As far as I can tell he's trying fairly hard at the actual job hunting. He's had dozens of interviews and not been offered anything.

I'm finding it increasingly hard to deal with. I know I'm being unreasonable and I haven't expressed this to him, but I am increasingly losing respect for him. He is a kind, considerate man who I am in general attracted to but at the moment he seems not to have any real direction or motivation and when he's not applying for stuff spends most of his free time playing video games or sleeping.

I work about 12-13 hour days at the moment in a really stressful job and am a single parent so I literally never get a minute to myself. I've worked insanely hard to get where I am in work and am very driven I have to be to support my kid so I just don't really relate to people who are happy doing nothing and who don't want to improve their situation in life. I get messages from him periodically through the day saying things like "I'm just going to have a nap" and I feel like killing him. I know he understands in theory how busy I am but the less he does the less respect I have for him.

I know he can't control his work situation but he seems not to have any motivation to do anything else with his free time except sleep and game and seems to have little motivation to do anything more constructive with his time. He doesn't have dependents so its not as if he's letting others down, but it just feels a bit gross that he is just able to sit around doing nothing.

I understand there's a high chance he's struggling and depressed and I've tried to talk to him about this but he's not good at opening up and has insisted he's fine. And I don't want to push it and make him feel more stressed if he wants to handle it his own way.

I know he'll find a job eventually. But I have lost a lot of respect for him in the way he's handled it and I wonder if I just need to find someone more ambitious and if it will eventually kill the relationship even when he does find work. It's a shame because he's otherwise lovely. But I just can't understand how a grown man can while away whole days on the internet and in bed.

My husband lost his job at the start of the first lockdown, it took him four months to find a new job and a further eight to start work (he had schedule surgery). Losing your job is really shit, there are worries about money, finding a good employer, rejection after interviews and depending on the type of career very stressful interviews and presentations.

If you lost your job would you expect him to support you, or to moan and ban you from any hobbies/enjoyment?

You seem to have a very strong focus on work as the measure of a person if you are willing to put in 60 to 65 hours a week as a single parent. Maybe he'll never measure up? For someone as insanely busy as you you probably think you could find endless things to fill your days if not working but it's not as easy as you think when you have no money.

@SuperstarDog

That said, grown men who play video games is a massive turnoff IMO and in my experience should be viewed as a red flag of a man child

I hate this mumsnet response to video games. Why is it any different to any other hobby? To me a hobby should be something you enjoy and people enjoy different things.
My partner works hard and is a good partner and dad. So when he has free time why would it be a red flag that he chooses to play a video game rather than read or play football or cycle or...whatever. I think it’s a red flag to have an issue with certain hobbies, very judgemental and I’d certainly be controlling if I tried to change how he spends his free time. Also most men I know that play video games don’t spend all their free time doing it.

I guess some people see their partner as nothing but an object that must please them and be perfect at all times, shallow people.

You are being really unreasonable, and judgemental. Not only is applying for jobs a slog it's demoralising too. If he's got himself a system where he searches for a job everyday and then takes care of his mental health at absolutely zero cost to you, what's it to you?
You might slog your guts out working, but no one is irreplaceable. This could really easily happen to you too.

If he wasn't job hunting I would be annoyed. But as he is trying hard at job hunting I would not grudge or judge him gaming to pass the time.

Thanks everyone. I'm glad I've had a good kick up the arse on this because I know I am being unfair and unreasonable and I do need telling.

I'm a massive, massive workaholic to be honest and this is at the heart of this. I know its fairly unusual and I know a lot of people would think its mad and unhealthy but because I'm a single parent I always see it as being about survival for me and my DD. I've had to work four times as hard as others (particularly men) to get past the work logistics and the stigma. So its hard for me to respect someone who thinks work is an optional extra. I see being driven as in some way a badge of wanting the best. I find men who just assume work with come to them a particular turn-off. I know that probably makes me weird, but that's just how I'm wired. I also realise most people aren't like this but its hard to shake.

I come from a hyper competitive family: my dad was one of the most ambitious people you can imagine. I reacted against that in many ways because it isn't a great way to live. And I'm totally at home with the idea that I have to provide my own financial security -- I wouldn't ever want to be dependent on a man so this isn't about wanting him to provide for me. But its still pretty hard-wired into me that a man works or prioritises seeking work as a matter of pride and dignity. And certainly that a man who is bright and motivated would put seeking work over faffing about playing games.

I suppose on the question of how he spends his "free time": I know there's nothing technically wrong with playing video games. But doing it for hours on end every day is massively unhealthy: bad for the brain and unstimulating.

Sounds like I need to do quite a lot of work on myself doesn't it?

3 months of directionless dossing is more than enough. He's already slipping down the slope to being an idle bum. Bin him off.

So its hard for me to respect someone who thinks work is an optional extra.
But its still pretty hard-wired into me that a man works or prioritises seeking work as a matter of pride and dignity. And certainly that a man who is bright and motivated would put seeking work over faffing about playing games.

Ok there is one question you haven’t answered.
What more do you expect him to do?

Because if he has had that many interviews, he is being serious at looking for another job. He doesn’t think that work is an optional extra - he wouldn’t have had any interview if it was.
So what do you expect? Would you have been happy if he hadn’t been sending you those texts about having a nap and only told you about the new interviews he had?
Do you expect him take whatever other job whilst looking for a suitable job?
Do you expect him to volunteer instead?
Wha so you think would happen because it’s not possible to hink at the same time he both is doing plenty and is serious about looking for a job and to see him as lazy and unmotivated

Or is it that you expect him to be in his computer 7 hours a day sending CVS (to jobs that might well not be suitable - let’s be honest in one specific area, I am not expecting him to be able to find 100s of suitable job application so he can spend 7hours 5 days a week to answer)

I'm not a gamer but for many people it is how they get rid of stress.

Your boyfriend is working very hard if he's getting all those interviews. I've gotten most jobs that I've been interviewed for but even the few that I didn't get was demoralising.

Being a workaholic and working long hours isn't something to be proud of either. It is about balance. One of my brothers is a workaholic and still working 13 plus hour days despite being very well off. It is his passion and he loves it and is very good at it but he has a wife and kids.

So you have some rigid rules and unrelenting standards for yourself and others that have got you a long way but risk long term burn out, anxiety or loneliness and might mean you have an underdeveloped soothing, relaxation, enjoyment system. While he's going through the demotivating process of unemployment. A couple of easy wins - tell him 'I don't want to hear about your naps, it makes you sound like a two year old' and ask him 'what goals are you going to work towards as well as job hunting to motivate yourself'. Start seeing him in a more rounded way, not just through the lens of your father. But care enough to point out that losing motivation is going to cause problems for him and for you as a couple.

@TintinIsBack

Wha so you think would happen because it’s not possible to hink at the same time he both is doing plenty and is serious about looking for a job and to see him as lazy and unmotivated

I don't know. It's a really good question and I'm struggling to understand my own reaction and to process it. Because I know at some level I'm being judgemental and unreasonable.

Like I say, I was brought up in an environment where sitting around was really really frowned upon, so that's probably coloured my judgement a lot. My parents used to freak out when we watched TV for example. I know that's weird but that was my upbringing. If someone tells me they are gaming or whatever during working hours I find it a bit triggering.

I think if you really are not able to work then there are better ways to spend your time. Reading for example, is always better than gaming. Volunteering. Doing sport of some sort. Learning something. Not simply allowing your brain to atrophy.

I also think that if you are routinely being short-listed for jobs and never getting offered them there comes a point where you go through a bit of self-reflection and ask yourself what you're doing wrong. It may not be his "fault" as such, but I think a brighter person would at some point have stood back and thought: "something isn't working". He doesn't seem to have gone through this process yet.

I know all of this makes me sound like a horrible, bitchy snob. I probably am. But I kind of want to get better as well.

@interest12

Being unemployed can be very demoralising but it sounds like he’s trying in that department. That said, grown men who play video games is a massive turnoff IMO and in my experience should be viewed as a red flag of a man child

Good you'd hate me, have spent the summer after finishing my second degree and starting my masters playing games!

And now doing a masters in gaming law!

I don't see an issue with him doing what he wants, if he can fund it.

@GoWalkabout

I know being a workaholic isn't anything to be proud of as such and people are always telling me about the risk of burnout etc etc.

But for me its survival. It's what's allowed me to build up financial security without a man, which is an absolute godsend. It's what's allowed me to pay for stuff for my daughter which I wouldn't have been able to afford otherwise. And to be honest I'm proud of it.

So I find it really hard to relate to people who only want to coast. It just goes against the grain.

This is 100% a you thing, not him.

You sound like you could use some therapy to unpick and work through your childhood and upbringing.

In the mean time, let him go. He's doing nothing wrong (gaming doesn't allow the brain to rot for goodness sake!) he is being held victim to your own personal issues and tbh your outlook seems more damaged than his current unemployed state.

I would honestly find a counsellor to work through this, it's one thing to find someone who is unemployed and lazy a turn off but your reaction seems extreme and deep rooted.

I would be really suspicious of someone who’s had ‘dozens of job interviews’ yet still be out of work in not quite three months. Do you think he’s telling the truth about this? Is he living with his parents?

And what do you consider coasting?

I took voluntary redundancy 10 years ago and had 9 months loading around. First time I have had long off since starting work 15 years before. But mortgage paid off so it was fine.

I work one day a week now I am doing second degree, I could have worked more in the summer but didn't need or want to, so had a nice summer off.

If I call it retirement is that better?

So I find it really hard to relate to people who only want to coast. It just goes against the grain.

But he’s looking for work, I’m not sure how that means he only wants to coast.

Ultimately, you know him best and you seem to be saying he sees work as an optional extra, he coasts etc... maybe you’re just not suited.

Be very sure though as to me it reads that he is looking for work. He is entitled to do things differently to you, and you’ve said he’s considerate and kind....they can be hard qualities to find in a partner.

Now imagine a man posting about loosing respect for his girlfriend and essentially branding her a looser because she can’t find work for 3 months.
Just dump him ok? Looks like you offer him zero support of any kind, and i can bet he feels your resentment.
Actively looking for work and slacking a bit in the meantime is not equal to being a lazy arse without ambition. You are entitled to feel the way you feel but he is also entitled to know that his girlfriend started to find him unattractive because he is in a low place for a short while.

@southeastdweller

I would be really suspicious of someone who’s had ‘dozens of job interviews’ yet still be out of work in not quite three months. Do you think he’s telling the truth about this? Is he living with his parents?

Yeah I'm positive he's telling the truth. He lives with a friend. He got redundancy. Nothing suspicious about that and that isn't my issue particularly.

@Frauhubert

Now imagine a man posting about loosing respect for his girlfriend and essentially branding her a looser because she can’t find work for 3 months. Just dump him ok? Looks like you offer him zero support of any kind, and i can bet he feels your resentment. Actively looking for work and slacking a bit in the meantime is not equal to being a lazy arse without ambition. You are entitled to feel the way you feel but he is also entitled to know that his girlfriend started to find him unattractive because he is in a low place for a short while.

It's a fair point.

@Goshitstricky

Thanks. I needed to hear that.

I think if you really are not able to work then there are better ways to spend your time. Reading for example, is always better than gaming. Volunteering. Doing sport of some sort. Learning something. Not simply allowing your brain to atrophy.

This worries me more than anything else you've said OP.

We do not as humans need to be switched on and learning 100% of the time. It is absolutely fine as part of a balanced and varied life to just sit, to game, to browse a trashy magazine, to watch mindless TV from time to time. Even to nap!

Our minds and bodies need to time to relax and just be. Those are the times our brain has time to process everything we've thrown at it and sort the wheat from the chaff.

Your partner aside for a second, please look at your attitude to your DC. Do they get a chance to relax and switch off, and the opportunity to just learn how to be bored, or do you demand the same exacting standards there too?

You say you work long shifts and are a parent so never get a minute to yourself (I am too, work long shifts as a nurse and have a toddler). Is that why you resent the situation? My friends sometimes mention naps and I sort of think 🙄 alright for some 😅. But you have different situations and both are difficult in different ways so maybe just try and see it more from his point of view.

How old is your child op? Honestly if you're working 12-14 hours with a child at home, it isn't his work life balance that needs questioning.

Honestly though I'm not sure he's ever going to be "good enough" for you, he's clearly not going to spend every waking second working or on socially acceptable self improvement activities.