I know I'm BU. But I'm really struggling with my boyfriend's unemployment. How do I process this?

[user1971]

My bf has been out of work for nearly 3 months. We don't live together, or have plans to, so there's no issue with him being a cocklodger or spending my money or anything like that. He's trying to find work. As far as I can tell he's trying fairly hard at the actual job hunting. He's had dozens of interviews and not been offered anything.

I'm finding it increasingly hard to deal with. I know I'm being unreasonable and I haven't expressed this to him, but I am increasingly losing respect for him. He is a kind, considerate man who I am in general attracted to but at the moment he seems not to have any real direction or motivation and when he's not applying for stuff spends most of his free time playing video games or sleeping.

I work about 12-13 hour days at the moment in a really stressful job and am a single parent so I literally never get a minute to myself. I've worked insanely hard to get where I am in work and am very driven I have to be to support my kid so I just don't really relate to people who are happy doing nothing and who don't want to improve their situation in life. I get messages from him periodically through the day saying things like "I'm just going to have a nap" and I feel like killing him. I know he understands in theory how busy I am but the less he does the less respect I have for him.

I know he can't control his work situation but he seems not to have any motivation to do anything else with his free time except sleep and game and seems to have little motivation to do anything more constructive with his time. He doesn't have dependents so its not as if he's letting others down, but it just feels a bit gross that he is just able to sit around doing nothing.

I understand there's a high chance he's struggling and depressed and I've tried to talk to him about this but he's not good at opening up and has insisted he's fine. And I don't want to push it and make him feel more stressed if he wants to handle it his own way.

I know he'll find a job eventually. But I have lost a lot of respect for him in the way he's handled it and I wonder if I just need to find someone more ambitious and if it will eventually kill the relationship even when he does find work. It's a shame because he's otherwise lovely. But I just can't understand how a grown man can while away whole days on the internet and in bed.

I think some people are missing part of the OPs issue that he seems to lack any real ambition and drive. I have been made redundant twice, both times I signed up with local temp agencies the next day and did whatever work they put my way until I found a new job in my sector. When I was put on furlough last year I found two local charities I could volunteer with until I could return to my job. He doesn’t seem to have that motivation, which the OP does, and I too would find that frustrating.

You sound like your own parents voice and that has been installed at you from an early age.
He is not a child and he does not need your parental criticism. You can't mould him into what you expect, that's not being a partner. That is seeing him as an extension of yourself, which he is not.

@TheFlis12345

I think some people are missing part of the OPs issue that he seems to lack any real ambition and drive. I have been made redundant twice, both times I signed up with local temp agencies the next day and did whatever work they put my way until I found a new job in my sector. When I was put on furlough last year I found two local charities I could volunteer with until I could return to my job. He doesn’t seem to have that motivation, which the OP does, and I too would find that frustrating.

do we even know his job?

I am a high qualiied accountant. If made redundant, i have cash to cover me for a fair while. I would not just take any job that came my way, from tescos etc.

But just for once, I would like for someone else to be as hard-working as I am and for them to take some of the load off. So its not me doing absolutely everything.

What would you like your bf to do @user1971 to lighten the load for you?

Also as a child, I get that your dad worked very long hours. And as a family your parents instilled that hard work was the right to do.
But how did they manage to balance working hard hours and looking after their dcs, you and your siblings? Was your mum at home? Did she get help from family/outside help?

I think that being a workaholic works well for men who have some one at home to pick up the pieces. When you are on your own, it’s much harder work and is the road to burn out for most people.
Understandably, most people also want to avoid burn out and don’t push themselves as much.

Maybe something to remember too when it comes to your bf. Just as much as you are choosing to work very long hours etc… he might have chosen to not work stupid hours and put his well-being first. And that is ok too. It’s not being lazy etc… it’s making a different choice on what is important to you in life.

@TheFlis12345

I think some people are missing part of the OPs issue that he seems to lack any real ambition and drive. I have been made redundant twice, both times I signed up with local temp agencies the next day and did whatever work they put my way until I found a new job in my sector. When I was put on furlough last year I found two local charities I could volunteer with until I could return to my job. He doesn’t seem to have that motivation, which the OP does, and I too would find that frustrating.

Or he has put some money aside as a precaution and can use that emergency fund to tie him over the next few months. As a self employed person, I usually have 6 months worth put aside. That’s pretty normal and I would advice anyone else to do that.

I'd say the OP definitely is a workoholic and quite a severe one, judging from how she seems to think that the choices are her current workload of 12-13 hours per day or stacking shelves, with no in-between. A standard workday is 9 hours a day, not 13.

It seems patently ridiculous to me to think that having an "interesting" job means that you need to work from 7am-8.30pm every single day, which is what a 13 hour day looks like with a single 30 minute lunch break.

No matter how many horse-riding lessons your work pays for, do you not think that actually what your daughter would prefer in a mother is one that has any time left over from work to actually spend with her?

@interest12

Being unemployed can be very demoralising but it sounds like he’s trying in that department. That said, grown men who play video games is a massive turnoff IMO and in my experience should be viewed as a red flag of a man child

Glad that people view video games as a red flag. Keeps all of you away from my high-earning, housework sharing, generous video game playing DP. Now excuse me while I speed reload my Grenade Launcher in COD ...

I would be really suspicious of someone who’s had ‘dozens of job interviews’ yet still be out of work in not quite three months. Do you think he’s telling the truth about this? Is he living with his parents?

From hearing the experience friends who lost work during the pandemic, I can assure you this simply isn't true. It's very possible to have so many interviews and not yet have landed a job, especially at the moment.

Has he got any interests, passions, hobbies? Does he exercise, help others in any way? It sounds as though he’s happy to sit around gaming & watching TV in his spare time which is really unattractive even if he did have a job.

I need a partner who’s interested in culture, exercise, helping others. Not just slobbing around the house.

I think it's pretty telling that you think that you mustn't change jobs because there's some risk involved. And that changing jobs has to involve a cross country move including school changes.

I support myself without any man on whom to rely. I am also a pretty high earner; a good chunk over the 90th centile for my local authority. I also had a job where I had to work 60+ hours a week every week. So I bided my time, kept an eye out for suitable jobs and moved when I found a suitable position. I took a pay rise, not a pay cut. My hours are much more sane - with periods of working long hours yes, but not every week. I was also able to find an organisation where they don't expect me to work 60+ hours a week to keep my job - if I work long hours that's an extra on my part that they appreciate rather than expect.

So obviously it wouldn't be sensible to chuck in a high paying job to go and stack shelves. But it would be sensible to look around for what other options are available that maintain your financial stability but also give you more time to look after both yourself and your child.

I don't think anyone is a bad role model because they like their job - but it might not be a good role model if you show your job is more important than spending time with your children (in a balanced way that doesn't involve financially ruining yourself).

I have a tendency to over-commit. Pre pandemic when I wasn't working I was running a cub scout group, or dealing with a local social group I ran, or getting involved with local politics. Those things were good, but actually trying to keep on top of all of them wasn't good for me. I'm much happier now I have just one or two hobbies and make more time for relaxing. I have a tendency to think that I ought to read "better" books, and actually changing to let myself read anything I want instead of only classics/prize winners/non-fiction has been great. There's no point berating myself for not making leisure time hard work - recreation is to recreate you ready to keep going, not to keep grinding you down.

@StormTreader

I'd say the OP definitely is a workoholic and quite a severe one, judging from how she seems to think that the choices are her current workload of 12-13 hours per day or stacking shelves, with no in-between. A standard workday is 9 hours a day, not 13.

It seems patently ridiculous to me to think that having an "interesting" job means that you need to work from 7am-8.30pm every single day, which is what a 13 hour day looks like with a single 30 minute lunch break.

No matter how many horse-riding lessons your work pays for, do you not think that actually what your daughter would prefer in a mother is one that has any time left over from work to actually spend with her?

*StormTrader

The thing is and I've tried to explain this its not about buying riding lessons. It's about maintaining the outgoings of my life.

Living in London (as I do) and having childcare commitments is expensive. Someone has to pay for that. A 30 hour per week job just wouldn't cover that.

There is some degree of in between. It's not a binary choice between shelf-stacking and this. But it ain't as simple as just working less.

I dint think @StormTreader is suggesting you work 30 hours a week.

She is suggesting a normal working day at 9 hours a day so about 45 hours a week.
And tbf 45 hours a week is already quite a bit….

Also what @Gladioli23 said.

It’s not an issue with the job that allows you to earn enough is only coming with a very high number if hours.
It’s about taking the time to find the right job for you.
It’s about allowing you time to relax and be.
It’s also about acknowledging that in most cases, people who say they can’t do the work in less than 12~13 hours in the day are either not organised/faffing around/taking work that isn’t theirs/not efficient because they are working too long hours.

But that’s a really different issue that your OP.

@user1971 They can, mine does, well I work less than 30 hours, but it isn’t a case of 60 or 30 hours, you could do 37.

This is not about your boyfriend, but if you're working massive long hours and earning well over the minimum wage, then are you at least allowing yourself to buy in services to reduce the time you spend on household chores? At minimum, it sounds as though you more than deserve to spend some of your money so that someone else will do cleaning and ironing for you.

@TintinIsBack

I dint think *@StormTreader* is suggesting you work 30 hours a week.

She is suggesting a normal working day at 9 hours a day so about 45 hours a week.
And tbf 45 hours a week is already quite a bit….

Exactly this, and its telling the OP is still not processing that theres a middle ground between "very excessive" and "part time".

Living in London (as I do) and having childcare commitments is expensive.
You know what would cut down your childcare costs? Not having to have childcare to cover 13 hour days.

I totally get where you're coming from OP an I would feel exactly the same as you about this man.

[quote user1971]**@dustofneptune

You're right. TBH I find it kind of hard to stop now. I am probably a proper (clinical) workaholic. I know its a bit out of hand.

The thing is its easy to say "you need more work/life balance" and "its not good for you or your child". I have literally no one else I can rely on. So I have to be a workaholic to keep food on the table and not be dependent on a man. Those of you saying I want him for his earning potential are missing the point. To be honest I have never been out with a bloke who earns more than me. I've always out earned my partners by a factor of three or four. It's a point of pride for me that I've never never taken money from a man and that's absolutely critical to me: I feel I have to do everything to avoid having to rely on anyone else.

Generally speaking, this is how I want my life. But just for once, I would like for someone else to be as hard-working as I am and for them to take some of the load off. So its not me doing absolutely everything.[/quote]
I can completely relate, OP, it's the story of my life too. In fact, I'm married to... a skint gamer! So the questions you raise in this thread have vexed me too.

I was also brought up with a strong work ethic, in a family where the men in particular were very capable and hard working. Deeply ingrained in me is a strong emphasis on earning and deserving (the two completely conflated) your treats and your rest time. DH is always happy to put things off until tomorrow, although he does get them done, and does them properly, eventually... whereas I'm one of those people who never 100% enjoys the weekend because I make a list of things I need to get done, and only manage half of them if I'm lucky, and then feel a bit of a failure.

I honestly can't tell which of us has the best approach to life. DH can't do much about the work situation just yet (long story), but I wish he wasn't so happy to lie on the sofa, even though he might as well! I have this wet dream of someone who leaps out of bed just before dawn and spends the day landscaping the garden!!! 😍 But maybe if he was like that, I'd never relax because I depend on him to slow things down and set an example of how to prioritise other things than work.

But that's not the whole story. I might also be tempted to call myself "a clinical workaholic" if it weren't for the fact that no one has ever looked after me financially, so I've never been able to relax. I make a good living now, but for many years really struggled to make ends meet. Somewhere deep down there's a feeling I find it hard to put my finger on, but one that can make me feel a bit maudlin when I'm pissed. It has to do with "not being worth looking after" and it's completely irrational in relation to my DH, who loves me with all his heart and looks after me in so many other ways that matter. But there it is. Probably baggage from selfish freeloaders in my past.

Sorry for the essay... just share your curiosity to unpick this 😋 Perhaps @dustofneptune is right that there's a lesson in this somewhere. That Cosmic Joker does seem to rub our noses in it until we finally get the message. I just wish I knew what it was!

The thing is OP, work won’t love you back. That’s the lie capitalism likes to sell us that working hard will make you morally superior and more deserving of perks and nice things, but the moment any business is in trouble, they won’t be thinking about how to help and reward the best employees, they’ll be covering their own backs. No one is indispensable. It’s not worth sacrificing your downtime over.

I also live in London, I know how expensive it is. I earn enough to pay my mortgage, look after my dog and have a few treats. I could probably earn more if I was willing to do things I don’t want to do like work loads of unpaid overtime or manage a team. I’ve no interest in doing either because I’d rather have my free time to sit around in my pyjamas if that’s what i so desire. Would my life be better if I sacrificed my chill time to earn more? On balance, no, because I’d be tired, stressed and unhappy, and money wouldn’t make up for that.

It sounds like you need to learn the value of relaxing. You sound like you’re constantly feeling like you have to be doing something with an end goal, that any activity that doesn’t lead to something is worthless. How often do you feel genuinely at peace, relaxed and able to just ‘be’? I’d bet not very often. Do you want your daughter to grow up feeling like relaxing/downtime makes her a failure, and for her to work herself to burnout? It might not even lead to any reward, depending on the career path she chooses. A far healthier attitude to work imo is to have boundaries, and value your life outside of work as much as you value earning.

Maybe if your dp has worked hard for years getting the few weeks holiday a year he is enjoying for once having a bit of time off where he can chill. As soon as he gets a job this free time will be gone possibly never to return until retirement.
As a teacher l often feel sorry for other professions where the holidays are not great so have a bit of sympathy for him just enjoying his unexpected free time.
My dh cannot chill. He is the one up landscaping the garden on his day off. I can quite easily lounge around..not gaming as l hate it but equally wasting time. I think underneath l am the happier of the two as l am a pretty relaxed type.
When l had to isolate for Covid being in my room for 14 days idling was no bother to me ..dh would have been like a caged lion.
Maybe for you having a chilled, laid back dp will be a bonus.
Also putting his name with arecruitment agency may help if he hasn't done that already.

@interest12

Being unemployed can be very demoralising but it sounds like he’s trying in that department. That said, grown men who play video games is a massive turnoff IMO and in my experience should be viewed as a red flag of a man child

IME being a judgmental snob about an extremely common hobby is a much bigger red flag.

I was in a similar situation to your BF not too long ago, OP. Applying for jobs, getting a decent amount of interviews but no offers. It gets very disheartening. And after a while of doing online courses it starts to feel pointless. So why shouldn't he spend the time doing something he enjoys?

OP you have such an unhealthy mindset.

I know because I am similar. Fiercely independent, earned more than my partners, never relied on anyone for money ever.

And then my health took a bit of a turn and now I have a chronic illness and am unable to work how I used to. Putting so much pressure on yourself is a long road to a breakdown I'm telling you. It's not healthy in the slightest. If you were to lose your job and not be able to get one straight away it sounds like you'd be having a crisis. Or are you a "nah that would never happen to me" sort of person? You never know what's round the corner. And at the same time you're sat here judging your partner for a situation it doesn't sound like you'd deal well with yourself.

Also, the snobbery is not a great look and should be judged in my opinion. I'm going to guess you've never played a proper video game in your life? Video games take more brain power than reading a fiction book. Don't look down on something that you simply don't understand in the slightest. It's not a way in which the brain wastes into nothingness. It's a escape just like any thing else you've mentioned, reading a book, doing a sport etc etc. The snobbery you have surrounding hobbies is not a good look.

YANBU
He sounds like he lacks drive.
Him just napping and gaming in his spare time would wind the crap out of me too.

I would find it weird him sitting around playing video games all day. I'm currently off work recovering from a stem cell transplant and supposed to be sitting round/resting all day and I find it so intensely frustrating. It just feels wrong to be so directionless and have nothing to aim for day to day. I'm doing what I can do organise home improvements from bed!

In terms of what else could he be doing...

• picking up a few evening shifts in a bar (loads of openings in hospitality right now)
• some sort of fitness challenge
• some DIY/home improvement
• learn a language

All of the above could be done around job applications and interviews.

My husband shared this with me, declaring, "Look, they've made an action figure of me!" 🤣🥰