I know I'm BU. But I'm really struggling with my boyfriend's unemployment. How do I process this?

[user1971]

My bf has been out of work for nearly 3 months. We don't live together, or have plans to, so there's no issue with him being a cocklodger or spending my money or anything like that. He's trying to find work. As far as I can tell he's trying fairly hard at the actual job hunting. He's had dozens of interviews and not been offered anything.

I'm finding it increasingly hard to deal with. I know I'm being unreasonable and I haven't expressed this to him, but I am increasingly losing respect for him. He is a kind, considerate man who I am in general attracted to but at the moment he seems not to have any real direction or motivation and when he's not applying for stuff spends most of his free time playing video games or sleeping.

I work about 12-13 hour days at the moment in a really stressful job and am a single parent so I literally never get a minute to myself. I've worked insanely hard to get where I am in work and am very driven I have to be to support my kid so I just don't really relate to people who are happy doing nothing and who don't want to improve their situation in life. I get messages from him periodically through the day saying things like "I'm just going to have a nap" and I feel like killing him. I know he understands in theory how busy I am but the less he does the less respect I have for him.

I know he can't control his work situation but he seems not to have any motivation to do anything else with his free time except sleep and game and seems to have little motivation to do anything more constructive with his time. He doesn't have dependents so its not as if he's letting others down, but it just feels a bit gross that he is just able to sit around doing nothing.

I understand there's a high chance he's struggling and depressed and I've tried to talk to him about this but he's not good at opening up and has insisted he's fine. And I don't want to push it and make him feel more stressed if he wants to handle it his own way.

I know he'll find a job eventually. But I have lost a lot of respect for him in the way he's handled it and I wonder if I just need to find someone more ambitious and if it will eventually kill the relationship even when he does find work. It's a shame because he's otherwise lovely. But I just can't understand how a grown man can while away whole days on the internet and in bed.

Firstly, like a lot of people have said being unemployed can be soul-destroying - but on a practical level it means you feel completely constrained as to what you can and can't do.

I've been self-employed and had spells when I was, ahem, "between contracts". I knew they'd happen and I had good intentions of filling those periods with volunteering, cultural activities and self-improvement. When they actually happened did I do all that? Did I bollocks. I also validated myself through my work and felt shit that I wasn't getting enough of it. I felt too poor (and conscious I needed to save money) to travel around the city doing things. I felt too down to do new things or meet new people. I also felt like I couldn't formally switch off from looking for work by leaving the flat, so I spent a lot of downtime slobbing around in my dressing gown surfing the internet because then at least I was also connected to the job hunt, email and so on.

Paradoxically it was when I was busier (and felt confident and validated) that I was able to fill my life with all the self-improvement and volunteering stuff.

OP, I'd also suggest you try to wean yourself off the way you seem to correlate work and moral worth. It's a very Victorian way of viewing the world but it also feeds into a very toxic capitalist way of viewing ourselves as humans - as if our worth is only determined by our economic capacity. That's nonsense. We only get one life, we're all trying to get as much happiness out of it as possible, and if for some people that means coasting then that is a legitimate course to take. I don't see idleness as a personal failing at all. Tbh, my own quality of life improved once I forced myself to be more idle. We all need time to switch off.

I think if you really are not able to work then there are better ways to spend your time. Reading for example, is always better than gaming. Volunteering. Doing sport of some sort. Learning something. Not simply allowing your brain to atrophy.

I'm not a gamer either, I frankly don't get the appeal. But some of the most intelligent and hard-working people I know are. I understand that a lot of games have artistic and aesthetic appeal when it comes to graphics, plots and problem-solving. I try not to be a snob about other people's pastimes. I don't think I'm better because I like to go to modern art exhibitions rather than play computer games. I also don't expect someone who reads philosophy for fun to consider themselves better than me when I read detective novels.

@DuzzyFuck

I know its kind of fucked up. It's how I was raised. I was brought up to avoid people who don't read, for example. It runs pretty deep.

Maybe I need some help.

Are you in a part of the country without much employment? The reason I ask is wvery pub and restaurant in the town where I live is advertising for staff for immediate start. There are loads of companies advertising for staff for office jobs, from entry level to professionally qualified. There are loads of trade jobs being advertised, with people posting on the town's Facebook group that they still need staff, having seen the wages on offer rise from minimum wage to £15 pH over the last few months.

So is your frustration that he is not "unable" to get a job, but more that he is "unwilling" to take one of the many he could start today?

I'd understand your attitude towards this all if he wasnt even so much as lifting a finger in the right direction ... BUT even you said he is constantly applying and getting rejected. Do you realise that can be really disheartening and discouraging for some. Whilst you are busy running around living your life your partner is trying to kick start his and is constantly getting knocked down.

Now in terms fo him lazing around during actively trying to seek a job so what?!

My mentality, if i was unemployed, would be let me do nothing with this time because once I get into a full time job again it will be relentless. He has every right to take advantage of this downtime and just relax. Ft jobs are alot and no one ever gets this type of free time.

Tbh op. As I said if he wasnt searching for a job and trying to improve his situation than I would understand your reaction to this all. But this sounds like a you problem. It sounds like you are abit resentful of the fact that he has time right now to do not alot whilst you are juggling alot. But you cant take that out on him.

Also he isnt "directionless" for wanting to chill for 3 months of his life jesus! That's barely all his life so you cant hold him onto that. If it was 3 years then it would be safe to say he is a slob. Again he just sounds like a guy taking some down time whilst he searches for a job and plunges into a busy life again.

It took me ,6 months to find a job both times I've been made redundant.

Maybe he needs to find someone who doesn't value him for his earning potential

Just throwing this out there.

Have you considered that this man might be in your life to teach you something? :)

Not in a woo way, but I believe all relationships are mirrors. We can learn something from every person we connect with. He’s the polar opposite of you in his approach to work.

It’s no surprise you find it unappealing, because what I see in what you’ve written is that his behaviour triggers resentment in you about how hard you feel you’ve had to work to keep up with, and please, men.

You might not be compatible with this guy long term, but to me, there’s a glaring opportunity for you to self-reflect :) Which it looks like you’re willing to do, based on your updates.

I understand both of your positions. He is applying himself and needs to escape and wind down the rest of the time. I think that’s healthy.

You have done things you SHOULD be proud of. You have every right to be. But in my personal worldview, working 12hr days isn’t good for a person. I actually don’t even believe working 35-40hrs a week is good for a person. I believe the human brain is designed to focus properly for a few deep hours per day, and that the rest of the time we’re meant to physically move, be in nature, connect, introspect, create, give back, etc.

Have you ever been to therapy and talked about your relationship with needing to be productive?

OP, you sound resentful of his free time,
It's not free time of his making assuming he didn't throw the towel in and walk deliberately. You said he's applying for lots of jobs, he has no dependants. Frankly I'm not sure I'd be any different in his place. We work for about 45 or so of our adult years, he has a bit of free time while also trying to get another job? Bloody brilliant

^^ just to add, I’m not saying my worldview is “correct”. Just that I’m practically horizontal in comparison to you haha

[quote user1971]@TintinIsBack

Wha so you think would happen because it’s not possible to hink at the same time he both is doing plenty and is serious about looking for a job and to see him as lazy and unmotivated

I don't know. It's a really good question and I'm struggling to understand my own reaction and to process it. Because I know at some level I'm being judgemental and unreasonable.

Like I say, I was brought up in an environment where sitting around was really really frowned upon, so that's probably coloured my judgement a lot. My parents used to freak out when we watched TV for example. I know that's weird but that was my upbringing. If someone tells me they are gaming or whatever during working hours I find it a bit triggering.

I think if you really are not able to work then there are better ways to spend your time. Reading for example, is always better than gaming. Volunteering. Doing sport of some sort. Learning something. Not simply allowing your brain to atrophy.

I also think that if you are routinely being short-listed for jobs and never getting offered them there comes a point where you go through a bit of self-reflection and ask yourself what you're doing wrong. It may not be his "fault" as such, but I think a brighter person would at some point have stood back and thought: "something isn't working". He doesn't seem to have gone through this process yet.

I know all of this makes me sound like a horrible, bitchy snob. I probably am. But I kind of want to get better as well.[/quote]
Quote frankly you sound absolutely exhausting and not properly present in your life. I have no idea if your boyfriend is a lazy slob or not because your standards seem way off the chart

I am sure you will find someone to fit with you but it probably isn't your bf who sounds pretty normal to me. I'd find your level of judgement at how I spend my free time very very hard to live with

[quote user1971]@TintinIsBack

Wha so you think would happen because it’s not possible to hink at the same time he both is doing plenty and is serious about looking for a job and to see him as lazy and unmotivated

I don't know. It's a really good question and I'm struggling to understand my own reaction and to process it. Because I know at some level I'm being judgemental and unreasonable.

Like I say, I was brought up in an environment where sitting around was really really frowned upon, so that's probably coloured my judgement a lot. My parents used to freak out when we watched TV for example. I know that's weird but that was my upbringing. If someone tells me they are gaming or whatever during working hours I find it a bit triggering.

I think if you really are not able to work then there are better ways to spend your time. Reading for example, is always better than gaming. Volunteering. Doing sport of some sort. Learning something. Not simply allowing your brain to atrophy.

I also think that if you are routinely being short-listed for jobs and never getting offered them there comes a point where you go through a bit of self-reflection and ask yourself what you're doing wrong. It may not be his "fault" as such, but I think a brighter person would at some point have stood back and thought: "something isn't working". He doesn't seem to have gone through this process yet.

I know all of this makes me sound like a horrible, bitchy snob. I probably am. But I kind of want to get better as well.[/quote]
Sports (unless running) usually cost money, volunteering sometimes requires DBS checks which take time and where I work there aren’t many places to volunteer. You certainly couldn’t just go to a primary school, like the DD of a pp and volunteer. They’d also require transport to and from, again this costs money.

It’s like you think it’s OK if he’s reading, as that’s something you deem ‘worthy’, but gaming isn’t. There’s a whole section on Gaming on this site so he’s not alone! It is also possible to do both, I enjoy reading, gaming and running. I also sometimes have a nap after an early shift or on my day off 😱.

@dustofneptune

You're right. TBH I find it kind of hard to stop now. I am probably a proper (clinical) workaholic. I know its a bit out of hand.

The thing is its easy to say "you need more work/life balance" and "its not good for you or your child". I have literally no one else I can rely on. So I have to be a workaholic to keep food on the table and not be dependent on a man. Those of you saying I want him for his earning potential are missing the point. To be honest I have never been out with a bloke who earns more than me. I've always out earned my partners by a factor of three or four. It's a point of pride for me that I've never never taken money from a man and that's absolutely critical to me: I feel I have to do everything to avoid having to rely on anyone else.

Generally speaking, this is how I want my life. But just for once, I would like for someone else to be as hard-working as I am and for them to take some of the load off. So its not me doing absolutely everything.

You two aren't well matxhe.d

Now or in the future, you're workaholic attitude will lead you to resent him eventually. I'd cut him loose now. Let him find his own way with you're judgement hanging over him, you can concentrate on you're 13-14 with colleagues at at work and then spending your couple hours in the night with children.

Well you’d hate me OP because I have a full time job, I’m single and completely financially independent and own my own place but I also spend my free time slobbing around taking naps - including during working hours if I haven’t got anything pressing to do! My life outside work and my comfort is my priority. I don’t work over my contracted hours. Hustle culture and your worth being derived from overworking yourself is a toxic lie peddled by a capitalist society. Your lifestyle sounds exhausting and unhealthy - you can be financially independent without being such a martyr about it. Downtime and doing nothing/relaxing is equally as important as work. Dump this guy and let him find someone with a healthier mindset.

I think the issue is with you.

Do you allow your child down time?

It's good that you have realised you're incompatible before you got in deeper. It'll never work, I doubt anyone could reach the standards you set for them.

OP you've been really honest and open here, all credit to you for that. Respectfully, how do you think your child is going to look back on their childhood? Are you worried you're perpetuating a cycle?
Ultimately your DP is not your responsibility. Perhaps you're so used to having to assume responsibility you're feeling it in some way towards him? You have to switch that off if you are, it's not fair to either of you.
Do you know how he feels about the job hunt/unemployment?

@Chicchicchicchiclana

You seem to have a very strong focus on work as the measure of a person if you are willing to put in 60 to 65 hours a week as a single parent. Maybe he'll never measure up? For someone as insanely busy as you you probably think you could find endless things to fill your days if not working but it's not as easy as you think when you have no money.

This.

Is there some point to being busier than anyone else? If simply about the well-being of your daughter then fair enough but just for the sake of it doesn’t make your life more meaningful. Are you working on ending world hunger at the UN? Often people keep themselves busy so that they don’t have to think about the wider picture.

So basically if your partner so much as wants to take a couple months break your going to hold it to him unless he is grinding himself to the ground to an substantial amount that you see fit.

This is defiently a you problem.

Just because he is out of employment right now and having a break doesnt define him. It doesnt mean he isnt hard working. He shouldnt have to always live up that expectation. Tbh I would leave him if I was you op. Because the poor guy hasnt done anything wrong and if I was him I think I'd be put off by someone that isnt understanding that these things happen in life and that's okay.

Maybe this scenario will teach you patience and how to slow down abit with yourself as well with other? This mentality isnt exactly healthy

Consider how demoralising getting repeatedly turned down will feel. Taking naps/playing video games are both coping mechanisms some people use to switch off from reality which will be more appealing during a high stress and low self esteem point in life.
If he's actively trying to look for jobs then it sounds like he doesn't want to be doing nothing, but after 3 months it will have reached a point where there's only so much left that he hasn't already applied for - he can't spend every waking hour applying to jobs, considering mental health and also with the amount of relevant and accessible jobs actually available to apply to.
Has he signed up to agencies, had them look over his CV, and spoken to the job center about his CV or assistance they can give and interview tips?
Maybe he needs some more support from either of those avenues at this point.

So if two of you worked 12-14 hour days and you spent time alone with your child and slept, when would you see each other? How much of your relationship atm works because he's more flexible with availability than you?

If you ouut earn your dates by 3-4 times that's a minimum £60-£100k, you need to readjust your spending to buy in more help to pick up some of the load. A bf can't do that unless it's a partner living with you and sharing your responsibilities.

Thanks all. I really appreciate the feedback. It's helped me put things into perspective a bit. I know my focus on work sounds slightly nuts and I do need to work at it.

The thing I would ask people to consider is that its not just me being a grabby rat-race capitalist, determined to run the people I love into the ground. It's something I have to do because I don't get any financial support from anyone else. My daughter's quality of life depends on my ability to earn as much money as I can. So while I do understand it sounds slightly unhealthy probably is slightly unhealthy please don't judge me for it. I just want to provide the best for her.

@SleepingStandingUp

So if two of you worked 12-14 hour days and you spent time alone with your child and slept, when would you see each other? How much of your relationship atm works because he's more flexible with availability than you?

If you ouut earn your dates by 3-4 times that's a minimum £60-£100k, you need to readjust your spending to buy in more help to pick up some of the load. A bf can't do that unless it's a partner living with you and sharing your responsibilities.

@SleepingStandingUp

I get that. But that would require moving him in and that's too big a risk for me and my daughter.

Generally speaking, this is how I want my life. But just for once, I would like for someone else to be as hard-working as I am and for them to take some of the load off. So its not me doing absolutely everything.

^How is he impacting your life? He isn’t dependent on you. You don’t live together. Your child isn’t his.

Also in the kindest way possible, have you thought of speaking with a therapist about your mindset towards work/finances?
I feel like what you possibly view as 'coasting' is people doing what they need to do to be financially ok whilst making sure enjoying life is also a priority.
I wonder if there's elements of your upbringing which it would be helpful to talk through and challenge the views it's formed for you.