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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Thinking of ending the relationship, very young children

140 replies

Blueseptember · 27/09/2021 18:08

I’m not sure if there is a solution here. I don’t want to leave and I would welcome any suggestions.

My DP and I have a 10 month old baby together. We’ve been through the lockdowns and it’s fair to say they have changed the dynamics of DPs work to the point where I have to admit he isn’t the man I first met. He’s gone from travelling all over the country and beyond on business to rarely venturing out of the dining room.

I’ve tried to talk to him many times about how it impedes on me but I don’t get very far. Sometimes I feel like I hate him. I don’t but it does feel like that.

I feel very unwelcome at home and don’t enjoy being here any more.

Leaving is a huge step and I don’t want to do it but it feels as if it’s my happiness or my child’s at the moment.

OP posts:

LtDansLegs · 27/09/2021 18:16

Is the only issue him no longer travelling for work and being in the dining room? 🤔 Your OP doesn't offer any insights to be able to give any advice. Assuming more background than this?

If your only issue is that he doesn't travel and is in the dining room then unfortunately I can't see that changing until either he is double jabbed and can travel / restrictions are lifted etc

Original poster

Blueseptember · 27/09/2021 18:19

He is double jabbed. But that’s not what I’m saying. He’s gone from being an interesting and well travelled person to someone very different.

OP posts:

burritofan · 27/09/2021 18:21

Can you give a bit more detail? In what ways has he changed? Are you just a bit cabin-fevery after both being in each other’s pockets for so long? Or is something more sinister going on?

LtDansLegs · 27/09/2021 18:23

@Blueseptember

He is double jabbed. But that’s not what I’m saying. He’s gone from being an interesting and well travelled person to someone very different.

I think you're focusing on the wrong part of my comment.

If your only issue is that he currently isn't travelling for work (half the world isn't!) then I'm not sure what else he can do?

He's still well travelled even if he isn't currently travelling 🤔 Im just trying to make sense of your issue!

Viviennemary · 27/09/2021 18:24

Why has his job changed. Is it out of his hands. Or is he now unemployed.

Original poster

Blueseptember · 27/09/2021 18:24

Nothing sinister I wouldn’t say. I just don’t enjoy being around him any more and I feel in the way and as if he is happier when I’m not around too.

OP posts:

ButterflyAway · 27/09/2021 18:25

In what was is the fact that he no longer travels a reason to leave him?

Original poster

Blueseptember · 27/09/2021 18:26

He still has his job but it has changed.

But this isn’t about me saying that my feelings about him have changed because his job has changed.

OP posts:

burritofan · 27/09/2021 18:26

Does he ever leave the house, and do you? Being cooped up together is crap for relationships, and often so is having a small child: are you getting enough sleep, enjoying maternity leave (if you’re on it), feeling happy and satisfied with the rest of your life and this is the only issue?

Original poster

Blueseptember · 27/09/2021 18:27

People are really taking that comment out of context and it’s unfair.

OP posts:

burritofan · 27/09/2021 18:30

There’s not a lot to take out of context, or much context, tbh. I’m asking you questions to get and get more information but it’s like pulling hen’s teeth.

ButterflyAway · 27/09/2021 18:33

In what way do you feel he is happier when you’re not around. Is he more able to concentrate on work when you’re out of the house? If so, he needs to look at getting back into the office (even if he’s no longer travelling).

If you feel he’s happier without you there completely and he’s entirely unwilling to talk about it then yes, the relationship is dead.

Practicalities wise, you’re over the newborn stage so that will make things easier if you do end it. He is able to have frequent contact (probably for 1-2hrs at a time throughout the week at your babies age). Do you have family and friends that you can get emotional support from? How would your finances look if you were to separate? Would you have to move home?

Heathcliff27 · 27/09/2021 18:34

So you prefer when he goes away because then you have something to talk about when he's home? What if his job was to change and he ended up never travelling? Most jobs don't involve travel. Would you give up on your entire relationship? He probably wishes he was away travelling again as well.

Original poster

Blueseptember · 27/09/2021 18:37

I’m not at the stage to be thinking about practicalities - I honestly don’t know what to do for the best.

Burrito to answer your questions, he very rarely leaves the house. I leave it every day. My relationship and home are such a big part of my life that being unhappy with them is enormous obviously.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blueseptember · 27/09/2021 18:38

Heathcliff no. That’s not it.

But I’m trying to explain he has changed. He’s gone from a man who confidently drove across continents to a man who has a nervous breakdown over a late library book. That’s having an impact on how I feel about him.

OP posts:

LtDansLegs · 27/09/2021 18:41

It sounds like he's actually really struggling at the moment too (if he has gone from confident traveller to anxiety over library books). Have you had a chance to sit down and see where each other's heads are at?

I think unfortunately no one else knows your exact circumstances, and without you being a bit more in depth / descriptive it can be quite hard for anyone to comment (hence why everyone has picked up on your comment in the OP about travelling, as that is all you mentioned at that point).

Yummypumpkin · 27/09/2021 18:43

I think a lot of us are genuinely struggling to understand the whole of this.

Obviously the last 18 months has involved a lot of anxiety, change and uncertainty for all.

It sounds like your husband, who I am perhaps wrong assuming is the main breadwinner, is working hard?

It sounds like his job got more difficult?

It sounds like he is anxious?

You want to leave him?

Because your post was short I think people are trying to understand what has happened between you where you xant communicate and support each other and how you have reached this decision, because most relationships aren't ending because of WFH so we guess something else is in play?

Original poster

Blueseptember · 27/09/2021 18:43

I will answer anything anybody wants to know but I am upset and I also don’t really know what to include in my posts. I’ve tried to explain how I am feeling and how and why my feelings have changed.

He isn’t depressed or anxious. He has just changed.

OP posts:

soupmaker · 27/09/2021 18:45

You say you've tried to talk to him many times about how him not leaving home impedes on you. Have you tried asking him how he feels about how his life has changed? Lockdown has had a terrible effect on the mental health of lots of people. I'm assuming you're on maternity leave and at home with your baby so presumably your life has also changed a lot since baby was born. Sounds like you need to sit down with him and have a proper heart to heart about how you are feeling. Not easy if you're knackered looking after a 10 month old.

burritofan · 27/09/2021 18:46

He’s gone from a man who confidently drove across continents to a man who has a nervous breakdown over a late library book. That’s having an impact on how I feel about him.
He sounds like he’s struggling: the pandemic has greatly affected people’s mental health. And men can suffer postnatal depression. What’s his support network like and how good is he at seeking help?

If you developed anxiety and your DH’s feelings for you changed because of it, how would you feel?

Original poster

Blueseptember · 27/09/2021 18:47

I’m not on maternity leave now but it is pointless talking to him about it as he doesn’t get it.

Leaving is a huge step. It it was just me I definitely would, but there is a child to consider so I can’t just go.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blueseptember · 27/09/2021 18:47

He isn’t remotely anxious. That isn’t what this is about.

OP posts:

Womaninthistown · 27/09/2021 18:49

But he has a breakdown over a late library book?

I feel like you’re missing something out.

Yummypumpkin · 27/09/2021 18:50

I know this sounds sarcastic and it isn't meant to...but what is it about? How do you feel about him?

Viviennemary · 27/09/2021 18:52

Why don't you get a job or find interests outside the home. Maybe he finds you boring. Its wrong to place the blame entirely on him.

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