Thinking of ending the relationship, very young children

[Blueseptember]

I’m not sure if there is a solution here. I don’t want to leave and I would welcome any suggestions.

My DP and I have a 10 month old baby together. We’ve been through the lockdowns and it’s fair to say they have changed the dynamics of DPs work to the point where I have to admit he isn’t the man I first met. He’s gone from travelling all over the country and beyond on business to rarely venturing out of the dining room.

I’ve tried to talk to him many times about how it impedes on me but I don’t get very far. Sometimes I feel like I hate him. I don’t but it does feel like that.

I feel very unwelcome at home and don’t enjoy being here any more.

Leaving is a huge step and I don’t want to do it but it feels as if it’s my happiness or my child’s at the moment.

@Blueseptember

Heathcliff no. That’s not it.

But I’m trying to explain he has changed. He’s gone from a man who confidently drove across continents to a man who has a nervous breakdown over a late library book. That’s having an impact on how I feel about him.

Your husband is suffering with anxiety by the sounds of it, he needs to contact his GP and get some help

@ClaryFairchild my sentiments exactly

I think I understand what you are trying to say.

Your husband is a constant, critical, negative presence in your home who saps your joy.

You don't enjoy yourself with him. And you can't enjoy yourself without him because he's always there.

Is that close?

If so, I'm really sorry but this problem is only going to get worse over the winter as you and your baby are confined to the house more in the colder weather.

Just out of interest, what would his response be if you made a huge den in the living-room out of cardboard boxes for your DC to crawl through? Or put on music and had a disco party for them? Can you have friends round?

I think I understand where you are coming from.

My DH has gone from hardly being home to WFH full time. Luckily we have a garden room which he is using as his office otherwise I think I'd be going mad.

Occasionally he brings his work inside , it may be just taking a quick phone call while we eat lunch or dinner or it could be that it's too cold out to work outside. I can't stand it! It stresses me out hearing all the telephone conversations especially as I can always hear both sides so feel like I'm intruding. I feel like my home is being invaded and can't wait for him to get back out in the garden.

DH did get to a point during the lockdowns where he barely went out and he got quite down and said he felt lonely.

As I'm a SAHM with school age DC I was able to drag him out for a walk and suggest pub lunches etc. and it always helped - appreciate that working full time that's not something you can do but getting a baby sitter and going out for dinner is a start.

Also you have a 10 month old baby. That's a bloody hard adjustment without all the rest of the changes the pandemic has brought so no wonder you are feeling fed up with life. I feel for you.

I recognise the stressing and fussing about small things from my own issues with anxiety. I'm doing an NHS online therapy course on stress and anxiety at the moment while I wait for my CBT referral. It really does sound like your DH is struggling a bit even if he says he's fine.

There should be ways to fix this situation without leaving your DH. You need a serious talk. Discuss the working arrangements, accept this may be a permanent arrangement and plan how to make it work better for you both , get some counselling maybe. He needs to understand that this situation isn't good for either of you and it can't continue. If he won't engage then you will know that you have to make a decision about your own future.

I hope you can find a way to solve some of your issues.

I think the past couple of years with lockdown and work changes has been hard on a lot of people. Sounds as if he's got MH issues if this was not him before. It's adversely affected him and he needs help. Doesn't mean you need to stick around and help him recover. On the plus side if you leave he may not be able to cope with contact if he's stuck at home so you may be spared that issue. On the other hand it may be the spur needed for him to seek help and he recovers, does have contact and maybe finds a new partner. Everyone happy.

I am hoping I got that right.

I think the issue is that your DH is now spending many hours at home so he is now taking interest in stuff he couldn’t take any interest in before.
Eg the house is now his as he is spending most of his time in the house (and you’re not)

He is also working from home so doesn’t have any anecdotes to share with you by default. What was an easy conversation about mishaps whilst travelling, something that a colleague said etc… all that has disappeared because he only has contact over zoom/teams and it’s always restricted to work rather than anecdotes etc…

I’m going to guess that, as he was travelling a lot, he had little hobbies and was concentrating spending time with you and baby when he was at home.

Basically the balance has changed and his world has reduced dramatically and become small. A bit like when some men are moaning that their DW can only talk about babies when they are on ML. Simply because it has become their world 24/7 and there is no space for more.

What I would say is that the man who is well travelled is still there. He hasn’t disappeared. But you BOTH need to find a new balance. One that is working for both of you.

What does he say when you talk to him? When you explain you’d like to talk about something else (and propose another subject)?

FWIW, the feeling your house isn’t your house when someone is wfh is one that is shared tbh.
I have the same feeling, not as bad as you but dh is using our living room as his office and it now has an office feel. I find hard to relax there now.

Btw, I fully agree that all the wfh hs altered life a lot, much more than people ever imagined.

There has been a lot of talk on MN on how wfh is amazing p, savings for childcare, flexibility, more money etc…
The reality is also that people have lost connexions. That their house is often not suitable for one or two people wfh (an office in a shared space is never a good thing). The balance between partners has changed. And sometimes it hasn't changed at all which can be just as infuriating (eg the father who locks themselves in a room and expects their lunch to be prepared, cup of tea brought even though they are in the house and could do it themselves).

The balance isn’t easy to find again tbh.

What do you think would makes things better for you? Have you already decided that leaving is your best and only option? If so then noone is forcing you to stay

Have you spoken to your dh about him returning to the office? What does he say about it?

If this new and seemingly permanent lifestyle is not for you. If there isn't an alternative to him working in the dining room, or he won't change if there is. If he won't address the problems, then I really don't see what alternative you have but to separate. Counselling is worth a go but you both need to engage with it and work at it. Maybe you both will?
Sit down and talk to him tonight. Tell him you've reached the end of the road. You'll know by his reaction of there's anything left to work with.

I remember your other threads, and the problem seems to carry on. You say that he won't change, he won't understand and you won't leave. As other posters said come here to vent is fine and keep doing it if it helps but every time you come, you seem more agitated. I don't think you will get different perspective on your issue here if there has been nothing changed sadly. Time to either leave for a better partnership or have a proper heart to heart to chat to tell him how unhappy you are. Resentment is a killer... Good luck!

@Blueseptember have you sought help for your feelings. They are certainly indicative of a decline in your mental health and you sound very down. Please speak to your gp for some advice.

I think I get you, op. He's become fussy and territorial in his home and you feel jettisoned out of your own space and an inconvenience in his world.

That, alongside the huge step change in a relationship that comes when you have a baby, makes you feel like you have been robbed of the DH you had before.

Unlike other posters, I know plenty of women who come to dislike their dh's in the baby's first year and it come right with time and without much more intervention than an extra couple of hours sleep a night. But I think this may be bigger than that for you.

I think Tintinisback is the closest to what I was going to post. Looking outwards in, and also thinking about my own OH, it does seem your partner's world is very different to pre-pandemic:

• new baby and all the stresses, worries and pressures that brings
• a global pandemic
• a radically changed job (and it's not unfair to say that many men's identities are intertwined with their profession)
• potentially the change to his job maes it harder to do, maybe in the back of his mind is anxiety about the viability of it and what that means for providing for his family
• feeling cooped up at home and missing human contact professionally

All of which are probably having a negative effect on his MH, making him more withdrawn and reticent to go out. The man you love is still there, its just been a tough couple of years for everyone. Try and get some date nights and quality time together and rekindle things

I'm not sure if you are still reading or e en taking comments on board but I wanted to comment as I am in a very similar situation to you. My husband used to work out of the house full time and travelled the world, America, Italy, Switzerland etc. He would be gone for several weeks at a time. Now the pandemic has struck and he works from our kitchen/diner on the dinner table.

I work out of the house though so have never felt like you. I work 3.5 days a week and on my non working days I have sometimes said he needs to work upstairs or in another space if he has complained about me being noisy. I continue to use the kitchen as I would normally as it is my house first before his office and I have told him this. Have you had this type of conversation? I have also said to him that people's employers can't assume people have working spaces at home, they must have to provide an alternative in these situations (I saw you said you don't have an upstairs). If your husband doesn't want to go to the office you need to stand your ground. Like you said its your home, not an office and I totally get that from my situation too.

I know you said later in the thread your feelings aren't just because of this home working situation buy it has seemed to stem from there and be the cause of the changes so it may be worth tackling those issues first? Good luck OP.

*I can’t enjoy my own birthday chocolate without him making stupid comments and pulling stupid faces at me.

He doesn’t like us being there. Constant comments about stuff.*

What kind of comments? Is he being sarcastic and snippy all the time? Do you guys rent together? I’m not sure why he sees the house as ‘his’ if it’s not his - he needs to have that drilled into him for sure. If he can’t even tolerate his partner and young child in the same space as him I’d definitely get out - sounds like he doesn’t like you two as much as you are fed up with him.