Thinking of ending the relationship, very young children

[Blueseptember]

I’m not sure if there is a solution here. I don’t want to leave and I would welcome any suggestions.

My DP and I have a 10 month old baby together. We’ve been through the lockdowns and it’s fair to say they have changed the dynamics of DPs work to the point where I have to admit he isn’t the man I first met. He’s gone from travelling all over the country and beyond on business to rarely venturing out of the dining room.

I’ve tried to talk to him many times about how it impedes on me but I don’t get very far. Sometimes I feel like I hate him. I don’t but it does feel like that.

I feel very unwelcome at home and don’t enjoy being here any more.

Leaving is a huge step and I don’t want to do it but it feels as if it’s my happiness or my child’s at the moment.

I agree with most here that your situation is difficult for us to understand, so I will instead provide a few observations from my life that might be food for thought:

First, if you still have affection for each other, try couples counseling. I learned the hard way that if you leave that too late, things are much less likely to be fixable.

Second, I have lots of friends who have divorced parents. In my observations, my friends whose parents split when they were very young (babies, toddlers, etc.) and then went on to remarry partners who were a better match, grew up to be very happy, well adjusted kids and adults with a good appreciation and understanding of loving relationships.

Third, many of my friends whose parents stayed together "for the kids" but were miserable, totally knew that their parents were unhappy, and have had some related difficulties in their adult relationships.

Finally, I have three (unrelated) friends whose parents split up while we were teenagers. These friends had the hardest time, all three suddenly going from normal, reasonably happy teens to changing dramatically and adopting very risky behaviors. These three friends had the hardest time recovering from the trauma of having their bedrock relationship torn apart in the teenage years.

My takeaway from these observations is that it backs up the common understanding that children need love and stability to most effectively learn how to build adult relationships of their own, and that it is best if that solid foundation of love and stability is settled as early in the child's life as possible, including if that means that step one is being a happily divorced and single parent with a cordial relationship with their child's other parent. The number one thing is safety, stability, and love for the child.

My advice is:

If you believe the relationship is and should be salvageable, seek counseling now. Truly now. Make the appointment tomorrow.

If you decide that it is not, or you go to counseling and realize then that it is over, then try to work out an arrangement with your partner that you can both live with, and get on with it. Once the decision to leave is made, let it be final. It would be torturous and confusing to a child (and to yourselves) to allow the relationship to become on-and-off-again.

I second couples counselling. I wouldn't rush into big decisions at this stage.

The first year or so of children is always a big adjustment for the two of you individually and for your relationship.
Also the last 18 months have been very hard on a lot of people.

Can you go into more detail about the problem so people can try to offer better advice?
Is he doing something specific to make you feel unwelcome in the house, or is it more his presence? Would something like relocating him out of the dinning room into another room be a possibility? Do you have space for one of those home office shed things in the garden or a garage you could do up?

Why does he not want to return to the office? Is he anxious about catching covid? Does he have any underlying medical conditions? What age is he? Has he been under a lot of pressure in work? Has his job been under threat at any point or is he now doing more at work as the company has let people go?

Is there a compromise to be had? Would you be happier if he went for a walk or took up some other hobby a few evenings a week?

If his personality has changed dramatically recently it does sound like there might be something going on under the surface for him.

I don't mean to offend with any of my questions, just trying to get the full picture.

Op posters aren't trying to be rude or deliberately misunderstand- it's just a bit hard to grasp exactly what the root of the problem is snd when you use words that mean one thing to readers when you really mean something else. It's a bit jumbled.

Your comments about not finding him attractive because he's lost his high powered 'status'
is a bit odd. What else do you like about him apart from his job?

He’s changed and you don’t find him attractive anymore. Nothing wrong with that.

It doesn’t sound like you know what you want to do about it yet. Have you considered talking to someone, e.g. Relate, on your own?

Except I didn’t once say that @CandyLeBonBon. I’ve just read back my posts and I don’t say that, ever.

I’ve tried to explain what the issues are and I’m not sure I can make it all that much more clear.

1. He sees the house as ‘his’ as he is the one always in it.

1. He is smothering and suffocating

1. He has become like an old man with his lifestyle.

1. We have little to talk about because he does nothing, goes nowhere.

Life has changed and he has changed as a result.

He’s a decent and caring person but he has become dull. He never goes anywhere or sees anyone, so he has nothing to talk about. He’s become territorial about the house and sees it as ‘his’. It was very lonely being so close but living such separate lives.

It doesn't sound completely hopeless yet. You two might benefit from relationship therapy. It sounds like you feel a bit smothered and lost the feeling of your own home. Also, if he has nothing to tell you (because there is no news) then the good conversations are gone and it doesnt balance out the negative anymore.

Therapy could help, and if you don't find a way to stay together than at least you know that you tried it and you can talk about the best way to go forward as parents instead of partners.

Best of luck.

It seems like you have grown apart whilst being surrounded by each other more. Sometimes relationships change and the dynamic in that relationship changes too. You obviously love one another and have a 10 month old together that would flourish from a family environment. If I were in your position, I would make it really clear that you needed to talk to him on a urgent basis, if you struggle to get your point across, write ever down and let him read it in his own time. You can definitely get back on track but he needs to know exactly how you feel and what needs to change to get things back closer to the way they used to be.

Your most recent post (with the numbered points) is much, much more clear than your earlier ones. It does sound very difficult, but I’m wondering about your communication style and whether you’ve actually been able to get across to him what the issues are.

You say you’ve tried to speak to him and it hasn’t worked but have you been as clear as your post with the numbers, or has it been more like your earlier posts – guarded, a bit evasive, saying one thing using a particular word then backtracking?

There were a couple of very similar threads from the same poster recently where she had a similar problem (DH WFH all the time while she was on maternity and on summer leave), and she also had issues communicating effectively, but thought she was clear. It might be that your DH is more receptive than you think, but you perhaps need to plan what to say if you have trouble communicating effectively. What’s his response when you raise this all with him?

I’ve seen that and I think some of you have an obsession bordering on a bit unhealthy with that.

@Blueseptember

I’ve seen that and I think some of you have an obsession bordering on a bit unhealthy with that.

What is this referring to? Some of your comments are a bit confusing making it hard to form an opinion.

Exactly. Its very confusing. Its unclear what the OP wants. And whats this about unhealthy obsessions. Who has an unhealthy obsession.

Vivienne, what are you getting out of this?

You’ve already accused me of not working when I do, and not having any hobbies, when I do.

You haven’t a clue what you’re talking about.

I don’t understand why some of you are finding it confusing that I’m having problems with my relationship and have posted about it in relationships. But I am clearly stuck with it and have to try to make the best out of it.

@Blueseptember

You sound angry with your situation. I think the confusion with many posters is based on the actual marriage, more often than not posters, post about being neglected, wanting more physical and emotional closeness with their partner and not getting it.

You on the otherhand, seem to feel trapped and watched by your husband as though you wish he would just dissapear.
It's as though you wish to check out of the relationship and don't want him around.

Yes we understand going from little contact to total contact in the home can be suffocating and stiffling, it does appear you want the home to yourself.

I think you should start being honest with your husband, and yourself.

I think in a way you are lucky you have seen this change in him now rather than waiting 20 more years until he retired. Do you find that he's a lot like his own dad? There's nothing wrong with ending a relationship and though you might have trouble getting him out of the house, it doesn't sound as though he'd push for the marriage to keep going.

@Blueseptember

42. Been together for five years.

Cinnamon I am sorry if this sounds rude but that comment … seen someone I like more?

Have you met someone you like more than your husband.?

It would all make sense if you had.

Right, I’m another one finding this thread a bit confusing. But…

I’d be tempted to throw a firm ultimatum out to this man. Tell him the happy future of your family requires him to take up any/all chances for working outside the home. Give him a date by which he needs to have set this up.

Once he’s out more, you’ll have a bit of headspace and time to reclaim your home (I’d do some small reno to underline this). He’ll be able to check his behaviour/attitudes against his colleagues/customers/clients/suppliers face-to-face and at least have them to relate to and talk about with you.

He doesn’t need to understand you on any deep level, you don’t need to commune on some deep soulmate level. You don’t even need to hash through the list of ‘housemate grievances’ with each other.

His Covid-shrunken worldview is getting on your tits, and you’re considering leaving. That’s all he needs to know, together with a firm goal that has an actual date attached. Then you just be a broken record about it while you’re finding a good couples’ therapist (to show you’re serious).

Separately to this, I suspect you’re wildly underestimating the mental health effect of having had a baby during the pandemic (and 2 working parents). That’s a biggie. I wouldn’t be making big life decisions until some water passed under both those bridges.

Both of you need to get your mojo back separately, then together may flow from that.

Yes, but you're not really explaining how he's changed in great enough detail, other than the fact he's at home a lot more often and you might feel he's getting under your feet too much.

He isn’t remotely anxious. That isn’t what this is about

This is direct contradiction with the following statement -

who has a nervous breakdown over a late library book

I'm assuming you were exaggerating here, but if he's being neurotic over small things, that does sound like he's an anxious person. Maybe when the was away a lot more before you simply didn't notice it, or it's somehow developed over time.

I just don’t enjoy being around him any more

Fair enough. You can't force him out of the house though.

Other the fact he used to be a man who travels around confidently with his work, what exactly did you use to love about him? What kind of personality traits made him enjoyable to be around and how come they have suddenly disappeared now?

Did you marry him mainly for his success, power and wealth? Without further explanation is sounds like that a little bit and now you don't want him around because you're actually getting to know who your globe-trotting business man partner really is in 3D.

@Blueseptember

Except I didn’t once say that *@CandyLeBonBon*. I’ve just read back my posts and I don’t say that, ever.

I’ve tried to explain what the issues are and I’m not sure I can make it all that much more clear.

1. He sees the house as ‘his’ as he is the one always in it.

1. He is smothering and suffocating

1. He has become like an old man with his lifestyle.

1. We have little to talk about because he does nothing, goes nowhere.

Life has changed and he has changed as a result.

Well that's a bit clearer. Is there a significant age gap between you?

@EarthSight

Yes, but you're not really explaining how he's changed in great enough detail, other than the fact he's at home a lot more often and you might feel he's getting under your feet too much.

He isn’t remotely anxious. That isn’t what this is about

This is direct contradiction with the following statement -

who has a nervous breakdown over a late library book

I'm assuming you were exaggerating here, but if he's being neurotic over small things, that does sound like he's an anxious person. Maybe when the was away a lot more before you simply didn't notice it, or it's somehow developed over time.

I just don’t enjoy being around him any more

Fair enough. You can't force him out of the house though.

Other the fact he used to be a man who travels around confidently with his work, what exactly did you use to love about him? What kind of personality traits made him enjoyable to be around and how come they have suddenly disappeared now?

Did you marry him mainly for his success, power and wealth? Without further explanation is sounds like that a little bit and now you don't want him around because you're actually getting to know who your globe-trotting business man partner really is in 3D.

Exactly this! It honestly sounds like the only thing you enjoyed about him was that he was successful and travels and now he doesn't do that you hate everything about him

Unless someone is abusive it is not right to end a relationship that involves children in the first few years of their life for no good reason, and especially not in a pandemic.
Having children is hard on a relationship, Covid has made it 1000 times worse. If you still feel the same in a few years then fine, but you owe it to your child to persevere for now.
Our DD is 2, our lives are unrecognisable now. It’s been bloody hard and we’ve both been tempted to end things at times. But we needed to try harder to work through things.

Your life has changed dramatically in the last year. Is this your only child?
Do not underestimate that even if your DH was working away your time is not your own with a 10 month old.
Maybe it is all about your relationship but maybe it is a bit a about your life and how it has changed too.
Firstly I think you do need to talk about his working at home ( and why he is in the dining room- unless that is a separate room).
Secondly you are unhappy try and figure this out by talking, counselling or if you really feel it is unsalvageable then maybe leave for a bit and see how you feel.

I actually totally understand your post Op and you shouldn't have to live like this just because you are married to a 'good man'

It sounds like he has taken the marriage for granted and is boring you to tears. Maybe he has hidden anxiety or maybe after 5 years he is showing his true colours.

I would spell it out to him that it's not what you want right now but I would try to work through it. Its not dead in the water yet.

@Blueseptember

Except I didn’t once say that *@CandyLeBonBon*. I’ve just read back my posts and I don’t say that, ever.

I’ve tried to explain what the issues are and I’m not sure I can make it all that much more clear.

1. He sees the house as ‘his’ as he is the one always in it.

1. He is smothering and suffocating

1. He has become like an old man with his lifestyle.

1. We have little to talk about because he does nothing, goes nowhere.

Life has changed and he has changed as a result.

Ah sorry op I misread your comment there. My mistake.

How of have you been feeling this way op?