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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thinking of ending the relationship, very young children

140 replies

Blueseptember · 27/09/2021 18:08

I’m not sure if there is a solution here. I don’t want to leave and I would welcome any suggestions.

My DP and I have a 10 month old baby together. We’ve been through the lockdowns and it’s fair to say they have changed the dynamics of DPs work to the point where I have to admit he isn’t the man I first met. He’s gone from travelling all over the country and beyond on business to rarely venturing out of the dining room.

I’ve tried to talk to him many times about how it impedes on me but I don’t get very far. Sometimes I feel like I hate him. I don’t but it does feel like that.

I feel very unwelcome at home and don’t enjoy being here any more.

Leaving is a huge step and I don’t want to do it but it feels as if it’s my happiness or my child’s at the moment.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2021 23:36

How long, sorry!

RantyAunty · 28/09/2021 00:04

Many men become very dull the older they get. They're content to stay at home and watch TV.
I know it's not much of a solution but it's how many men are.

Buggritbuggrit · 28/09/2021 01:47

OP, if multiple people are having difficulty understanding you, that’s an indication that you’ve explained yourself poorly. Becoming defensive about that, as opposed to providing context and clarity, will achieve exactly nothing.

Also, if you’re who I think you are, you’ve posted about this previously - on multiple occasions. The content of the responses you receive is highly unlikely to change.

Original poster
Blueseptember · 28/09/2021 02:01

I am in no way trying to be obtuse or obnoxious but I genuinely am struggling to understand what people don’t understand.

Someone who has gone from someone with an interesting and varied life to someone who rarely leaves one room has changed a lot.

Is that not obvious?

He has started to fuss and to go on about minor things. Conversation is ‘how is your fish?’ Hmm

I really don’t know what it is I have said which have led to such horrible posts accusing me of having met another man - I’m not sure where it is I’m supposed to be conducting this affair, but no, I haven’t, and even if I did decide to leave I can say another man is the last thing on my mind - and trying to out old usernames and accusing me of only liking his job.

What horrible posts.

If people are confused because I would like the man I am committed to for life to try to give me something, some reason for staying. As it is we live different lives. His life involves staying in his house. Mine involves staying out of his house. It’s not hard to see how that’s a problem.

OP posts:
Hogwarts4Christmas · 28/09/2021 02:02

You've posted about this several times before, haven't you? I recognise you from your 1st post.

Have you tried any of pp previous suggestions from your other threads?

SpindleWorld · 28/09/2021 02:06

Is it his house, OP? As in, you moved with him and it's still 'his'?

Sounds tough, tbh.

Original poster
Blueseptember · 28/09/2021 02:06

Will people quit with the outing?

OP posts:
TheChip · 28/09/2021 02:11

You've went from having an active husband who had interesting conversation, to a husband who doesn't to anything to have any kind of conversation with. On top of a new baby which makes people often crave adult communication.

I can see how that could be difficult to adapt to.
Do you think all of it could be having an impact on how you feel though? Having your husband home full time, a baby, lockdowns etc.

Could you maybe try some date nights? It could kick-start new conversations that you are both fully involved in, along with getting him out of the house and maybe even reigniting the spark? Or a weekend away as a family.

Original poster
Blueseptember · 28/09/2021 02:13

Thanks, that’s a good suggestion. Finding childcare is difficult but can always try.

OP posts:
PennyWus · 28/09/2021 02:44

What is your house like, OP? If your husband has claimed the dining room, maybe you should be radical about it and convert it permanently to being a proper office. Set up a dining space in the kitchen or the lounge. Sell the dining chairs and table. Get a proper desk, and a proper office chair for DH and install a little chill area with a comfy chair, a small fridge and a kettle so he can have himself set up to eat lunch and make drinks. Then he can literally be in the dining room and it is his space.

When you have a baby a LOT changes. Chuck in a pandemic on top and it's bound to cause a lot of stress. Babies come with heaps of stuff, toddlers and young kids make so much mess it's unimaginable. So maybe your DH is reacting to the way his physical home space is changing as well as his use of it.

I wouldnt split up yet, personally. If your baby is only 10 months, you have also gone through a lot of change, and being back to work FT already is a lot to handle. You need to try to find ways to reconnect with your DH, talk to him. He might start to revert to how he was before, he might not. I doubt seriously that if he will stay like he is permanently - it sounds like there may be more going on, perhaps some depression. If he won't go back into the office one day a week, there is something more worrying about his behaviour than simply he has turned into a boring old man.

Try and talk to him, and have some patience. You married for better or worse right? Marriage is a long haul, and not every year is a walk in the park. You can go through bad patches of several years and still come out winning.

timeisnotaline · 28/09/2021 02:45

I can see you struggle to understand why, but can you accept that many people here feel your communication is very unclear, and if we think that your husband may too? Except for that one post there are almost no concrete examples and what there are you then contradict eg the nervous breakdown over a book but then he’s not at all anxious apparently. Can you come up with some suggestions for what might make you feel better, and also some statements for what behaviours of his make you unhappy and how they make you feel? To help with talking to him. Perhaps for a start
What could he do to change how unwelcome you feel around him? If he stays in the dining room all day what is it that makes you feel uncomfortable and like it’s not your home to relax in in the rest of the house? (Genuine question, we have no issues with this in our house)
If he doesn’t come out and make comments, to what extent are you adjusting your behaviour at home based on your own internal expectations not him?

Could you say
-I miss how we used to have more conversations, I feel if we got out a bit more we’d get back to that more easily, could we all go for a walk at lunch, and (out somewhere) on Saturday?
-sometimes I really just want the house to myself would you mind taking dc out for a few hours saturday?

  • I feel pretty criticised the way you commented about my things. It’s my home too and these are things I’ve always had, you seem to have changed. Why do they annoy you now? If it’s because you’re always in thr home you should consider going back to the office a day a week, you can’t start attacking me for living here how I always have.
Maybe you’ve already said these things really clearly to him - before you jump on me, that is not at all obvious from this thread.
CallyWW · 28/09/2021 03:19

You CLEARLY don't like the guy so yes, you should move out and get your own place and come to a co-parenting agreement so everyone can be happy and live their best lives. Relationships break up all the time, it happens. You literally hate the sight of this guy and it sounds like he does not like you very much either so yes - move on with your life.

1forAll74 · 28/09/2021 03:41

You are not the only one who has had a big change in everyday life, your partner will most likely feel worse about the change in all things.

You must be unhappy in other ways,if you would consider ending a relationship because of a partner having to be at home, Things workwise may change again later on.

Hogwarts4Christmas · 28/09/2021 03:53

I'm not trying to out you...I'm simply trying to find out if you've tried the suggestions from your other threads before I spend too much time on this one, bc if you haven't then there's probably no point giving yet more suggestions/help.

willithappen · 28/09/2021 04:19

Can you confidently say he doesn't have anxiety now though? I feel only he can make that judgement and from what you describe it sounds like he has developed it a bit
Have you tried suggesting things to do to get out the house? What does he do when work is over?

Catlover1970 · 28/09/2021 04:40

I think you are saying that the things that attractEd you to him in the first place - confident, well travelled etc have been replaced with a stranger who doesn’t leave the dining room. The dynamic and his identity have changed and you’re not attracted to this new person? I think some honest conversations need to take place. Maybe he has become withdrawn and resentful and a gulf has grown between you. ? Only dialogue and communication can work out how he is feeling and if it’s worth saving. If you feel really withdrawn write him a letter explaining your feelings.Good luck xxx

MovingSchmoving · 28/09/2021 05:41

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Original poster
Blueseptember · 28/09/2021 06:11

Thanks for outing me Moving. Cool move. I won’t post again.

(I do like and indeed love him. But no further point in posting now I’ve been outed, really. Next step someone will link to a thread.)

Maybe have a think about why I’ve tried to be vague.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 28/09/2021 06:38

Do you see that people are trying to help?
It’s a valid point if people think I tried to help her last time and she has dismissed everything suggested so what’s the point?
What did you want from this thread? I know I tried to be helpful but it feels like that is unwelcome.

MovingSchmoving · 28/09/2021 06:54

When you say you’ve been “outed” what does that really mean? Does it actually matter? Other than some strangers on the internet now have slightly more info about your situation to be able to help. You barely have much info in that other post, the only extra thing I now remember is that you finish work at 4.30.

Also not to be petty but I wasnt the first poster to link you to that other thread so 🤷‍♀️

MovingSchmoving · 28/09/2021 06:57

Also i cannot honestly think why you’ve tried to be so vague unless you are in a dangerous situation with DV. In which case none of the advice you have received will be helpful because your situation would be so different from what you have posted about here.

ChirpyChirp · 28/09/2021 07:07

I think people assumed you didn't work because it sounded like you weren't getting a break from each other. I.e. you were both in the house all day (him working, you looking after the baby).

If you are out all day working FT then he's not under your feet in a way that your earlier posts imply. It was just crossed wires on that front I think.

DH works FT from home and has done for years. What definitely helps is him having a dedicated room for his office. So his work stuff stays in there and we can shut the door on it. He also gets out the house a lot doing running and cycling which gives us space when he's not working.

I rarely have the house to myself as we have two DC. But I find that him WFH has advantages that balance this out...he can do school runs when I'm at work. We can have lunch together on my non working days and have proper adult conversation/have sex without the worry of being interrupted.

If you can't find any advantages to your new situation then that must be really difficult. If I were you I'd suggest counselling as a first step. If he won't engage with that, then possibly a trial separation if you can find somewhere to stay for a while?

Rainbowheart1 · 28/09/2021 07:10

I’ve read all your posts on this thread and will admit I don’t think I’m understanding what the problem is.

I think your saying your DH has become boring as his jobs changed…well, so what? Of course people/lives/jobs/situations change, that’s very normal, which is why I think people are not understanding, because your complaining about something that’s normal.

It’s like me saying my DH always wore red socks, now he constantly wears blue so I want to leave him. It’s a non issue and a stupid reason to leave someone.

MovingSchmoving · 28/09/2021 07:23

Sorry but I also find it quite strange. You’ve said you do like and love him. It seems your main reasons for leaving someone you apparently do still love are that he’s at home a lot, you don’t have many exciting conversations, he’s a bit more boring than he used to be because he’s not travelling the world like he used to (through no fault of his own).

If this really all there is to it then I don’t understand. If you like and love him why don’t you want to work things out? Can’t you see that this might just be a different phase of life? Can he really have changed that much? Your child is only 10 months old, can you not see that becoming a father might have been a big adjustment for him?

I mean if you really want to leave then do. Nobody can stop you it’s your right to choose. But this is all quite odd and you have alluded to there being more going on than you have written, but at the same time you say that the problem is just that he asks you boring questions like “how’s your fish”. I’m not sure people can help you if you don’t give them the full picture.

Original poster
Blueseptember · 28/09/2021 07:29

I really don’t think I should have to spell out why physical violence is the only reason proudly outing a posters NC - on relationships - is particularly clever or funny.

Some of these comments are just awful.

I have tried really hard but the reality of life is really getting to me now. I’ve spent ten months unable to BREATHE hardly and now I’m back at work my dp sees the house as his. I spent my birthday evening walking around a supermarket because I couldn’t stand to be in the same room as a workplace.

Anyway it doesn’t matter. I’m really low. Out all my threads, go on.

OP posts: