Thinking of ending the relationship, very young children

[Blueseptember]

I’m not sure if there is a solution here. I don’t want to leave and I would welcome any suggestions.

My DP and I have a 10 month old baby together. We’ve been through the lockdowns and it’s fair to say they have changed the dynamics of DPs work to the point where I have to admit he isn’t the man I first met. He’s gone from travelling all over the country and beyond on business to rarely venturing out of the dining room.

I’ve tried to talk to him many times about how it impedes on me but I don’t get very far. Sometimes I feel like I hate him. I don’t but it does feel like that.

I feel very unwelcome at home and don’t enjoy being here any more.

Leaving is a huge step and I don’t want to do it but it feels as if it’s my happiness or my child’s at the moment.

Would it help to list ways he has changed??

Before he would x and now he does y type thing???

I'm sorry you're feeling upset.

‘Breakdown’ was not intended literally, and I’m sorry if I didn’t explain that well, it was intended to convey lots of flapping and texts to work to inform me of this. Just a complete overreaction. I remember something similar happening with my dad when he retired, he became very fussy and inclined to get all bothered and worried about tiny little things.

I feel very smothered and while we do have some good moments, they are more often than not filled with annoyance and resentment.

I do have a job and interests outside of the home

On one hand you say he’s not depressed or anxious, on another you say he has a nervous breakdown about a late library book - that is anxiety. If he’s having a nervous breakdown, he is struggling. He needs your support, not you turning your back on him.

I feel very smothered and while we do have some good moments, they are more often than not filled with annoyance and resentment.
Unless there’s something else you’re not telling us, it really does sound to be like you just need a better balance in the marriage with some time where he leaves the house (with the baby!) so you have space to yourself.

Previously you had space in your marriage to miss each other, now he’s around all the time and that will grate on anyone. Does he have friends, hobbies, a social life outside his marriage and job?

Can you encourage him to change his job? Can he book a table to work in a local pub Or can you organise some travelling yourself? Something else to ring the changes and make life more interesting. Buy him a weekend experience to persuade him out of the dining room and into the fresh air..

Or has all attraction completely gone?

Butterfly, like I say, I phrased that badly. It wasn’t said with the intent of it being taken literally. Honestly, he is in no way anxious, depressed or in any way struggling. I promise.

It may be that all we need is a bit more space but if that isn’t happening then you’re stuck.

"...it feels as if it’s my happiness or my child’s at the moment.^"
^
I think that your child's happiness is linked to your happiness and if you stay and are miserable staying then that would impact them more than you leaving and being happy.

That's not to say you that should definitely leave. The last year's been weird. Having a new child is a big enough life change, let alone in the midst of a pandemic, and maybe this just needs a bit of work and time.

He can't travel anymore, but could he maybe go elsewhere to work? One of those work share spaces or a cafe? WFH sounds good on paper but can really impact family life..

Even if he could, he wouldn’t, he’s been meant to be back in the office one day a week but he won’t. In any case, it shouldn’t make a difference other than the fact that home has become a workspace so naturally when I’m in it I’m in the way and it isn’t really my space at all. He’s made a few comments about the amount of stuff I have lately and it’s just contributing to this unwelcome feeling that I currently have.

I’m sorry it’s really tough, and am also not sure why you are being given such a hard time on this thread.

You sound v sad.

It sounds like the things that you enjoyed about your relationship have gone, and that there’s no spark or chemistry between you any more.

I agree with others that in part that might be a product of being so cooped up for such a long time. I enjoy being at home by myself at times during the week and that NEVER happens any more. It can be a bit suffocating. Little things grate more, and I guess that could be true in both directions?

Do you ever have fun or feel at ease with each other?

Honestly, from what you have said, it does sound like it might be over. If you would definitely leave if you had no baby, then I’m not sure having one is a good sole reason to stay.

If you’re not 100% decided on leaving, I’d suggest trying counselling. Does he know how close to leaving him you are?

I broke up with my ex when my baby was about 7-8 months old, but it was a bit more clear cut as he was having an emotional affair.
If you’re serious about leaving, you need to start thinking about practicalities. Do you have somewhere to go or is it your place?
You need to think about child support and visitation, and what would happen if he doesn’t offer any real support.

OP, I think I understand where your are coming from.

I went from being mostly long term single in my 20s/early 30s living alone to living with my DH with me doing shift work and him staying away 2 nights a week. Then within the space of few years this changed to me being mostly SAHM (I do one 12 hour shift a week) and DH working from home full time.

I used to value my 2 evenings a week when DH worked away, sometimes I'd go to bed with DD at 8pm, other times id just waste my time on the internet reading/ watching anything i fancied without any fear of real or perceived judgement. I liked having the house/garden to myself during the daytime too (pre DD).

Now I'm rarely completely away from DH, and it is definitely a big shift in dynamics. Also DH had always been very introverted/anti social and this has got worse since having DD and then moreso with three pandemic.

We do lack conversation at times as his life really isn't that interesting now and our shared hobby has gone on hold whilst DD is small, also no holidays to plan or talk about due to pandemic.

I think you need to break the problem down...

Think about what is down to they pandemic, ie your DHs lack of traveling and try to believe that this will go some way back to normal soon.

Part of this is down to having young kids, my DD is 3.5 now and it really is starting to get so much easy, with us both now being able to get time to ourselves and a tiny bit of time just us without DD (we have no family support). Be patient.

Things should improve, so don't make any hasty decisions.

I think there have been some deliberate misunderstandings, like ‘why don’t you get a job’, but also more generally I think that some have decided this is the case that I had a DH with a high powered job and found this attractive, and now that’s changed, I don’t.

No. It’s the same job he’s had for over two decades. But the nature of the work has changed. Rather than travelling extensively, he now works from the dining room.

He’s a decent and caring person but he has become dull. He never goes anywhere or sees anyone, so he has nothing to talk about. He’s become territorial about the house and sees it as ‘his’. It was very lonely being so close but living such separate lives.

I’m probably being harsh but it’s very difficult not being able to relax anywhere ever.

Thanks for some of the kinder recent posts!

Ok, first things first, the only reason you need to end a relationship is that you don't want to be in it anymore.

A ten month old will adapt to having her parents live separately. She won't remember you ever lived together.

I don't think people are asking you questions to make you stay if you don't want to. They are just trying to understand what happened.

Four ideas spring to my mind.

The first is that he is anxious or depressed from lockdown, working from home, not seeing people or from becoming a dad. But you have batted that one back hard.

The second is that he has become controlling or verbally abusive- a not unusual change during pregnancy after birth of a child. But you haven't given specific examples that point this way just a change and perhaps moodiness if you feel he'd be happier without you.

The third is that because he traveled a lot before you just didn't really spend a lot of time with him before and now that you have gotten to know what general life living together without the excitement created by "wow you are back" and needing to make the most of one another before "sorry you are leaving", you are just finding it all a bit dull and flat and maybe you weren't long enough in his company before to realise you found it dull.

The fourth is, you have seen someone else who you realise you fancy more than your husband and the grass is greener and suddenly he looks dull by comparison.

Or fifth I suppose, which is you are still in the first year of your first born's life and you are finding the monotony of meeting a babies' needs, perhaps not getting a lot of support from your partner and are resenting him for it?

But maybe all of that is wrong. Do you just need a bit of space? Could you arrange a little weekend away for yourself and baby with a friend or relative and see how you feel?

How long have you been together? And how old are you both?

Sorry, whilst I was typing that, you explained a good bit more.

My husband has been working from home too and isn't interested in going out, I wish I had the house to myself again sometimes.

YANBU and I think people are deliberately being awkward with you.

I think he should get back to the office a few days a week. It must be dull for him too as he seems to never see any of his colleagues or customers.

I do think you need to discuss with him however rather than spring it on him. Maybe he needs a bit of a push to get out the house & back into the office.

I wouldn't want to have spent my maternity leave with DH working home all week. I don't think it's relaxing for either a new Mum or a Dad.

42. Been together for five years.

Cinnamon I am sorry if this sounds rude but that comment … seen someone I like more?

If he is a decent and caring person, you would be able to have an adult conversation with him about how you feel - about how him working full time from home affects the dynamics of your relationship and your home life for example. Expressing how you feel (literally using sentences starting "I feel...") is not blaming the other party. The classic active listening technique is to have the other person reflect back what you said - not add to it, defend themselves, or justify, just reflect back "so you are feeling ...". Then when you've finished, the roles swap.

Focus on one thing at a time - do not drag up every niggle ever, avoid spiralling. If you can learn to listen to each other on one thing, then you can communicate on many more.
If he is decent and caring, he will be willing to listen.
If he's not wiling to listen, then IMHO that is not a great indicator for long term happiness.

It’s not that simple. You can’t force someone to understand.

Are you married ? If not then you haven't promised to live in sickness and in health.. so can skip off whenever you fancy.. personally I would be trying to help my artner with his obvious MH problems amd be less
concerned with the reflected glory of being the DP of a inter-continental go getter ... comes across that you care far too much about 'what' he was than 'who' he is ...

That’s complete bollocks, Fink. I don’t give two hoots whether he travels to Shanghai or Stockport. I do care that his life has become like that of an eighty year old mans.

Did you post about him before? If not it's very similar to another poster where basically she was expected to be out the house all the time and it was "his" house, not their home abs not a partnership.

It's awful feel unwelcome and an unwanted appendage.

Some of the comments here … I work FT!