I'm never going to shack up with another man

[barbedwired]

I don't need any more children, wedding rings or domestic drudgery.
Twenty five years, 14 hardcore marriage then widowed ( as I was about to divorce him) 11 years ( this one I knew and he wheedled his way into my house during the trauma of the husband suddenly dying ) .
First was a troubled marriage, second looked like something it was not - the penny dropped last month after he assaulted me. I got him out of the house immediately.

I am free!!!!!!!

I've decided that after the healing as this is not easy, I shall find company ( I'm quite happy home alone ) go out for lunches, dinners, maybe a hotel room if we feel like it, travel if it's fun and then live happily ever after seeing my children and living alone with a cat or two.

Anyone want to join this club, is in this club and loves it?

I'll come at this from a different point of view. I'm in my 50s and have never lived with anyone.

But that's just as well, because I am HORRIFICALLY messy. I I lived with my current DP, he's as bad as me, so we'd be buried alive in short order.

If I lived with one of my exes, we'd murder each in short order - the one I'm thinking of is very tidy.

I like my flat in its current messy state.

@crochetmonkey74

FrancescaContini you are my hero

Ah thanks 😊 nobody’s ever said that before!!

I like my flat in its current messy state

Exactly. You can live how you want without someone else complaining about it all the time.
I'm not messy but I know exactly where you are coming from!

This is me - widowed 20 years ago but would have divorced if not. Never had the desire to try it again. Children now grown and I live with my two cats, and do what I want

Born-again anti-cohabitation devotee here!

When my ExH abandoned me without warning I never thought I'd be this content with my new and unasked-for life.

3 years on and I've bought him out of the FMH, organised it exactly as it suits me and DD, and don't see myself changing things for a looong time. Maybe ever. Might go the Nomadland way and get a van in my dotage.

I actually met someone quite quickly after the split and it took me a while to get my head around the alternative to the conventional relationship milestones. But DP is absolutely on the same page as me (in fact he got there before me) and for now we do the LAT thing with coinciding kidfree weekends and holidays. I can work/eat/slob/socialise/indulge myself whenever and however I like.

I occasionally worry that this lifestyle will make me inflexible and misanthropic but then I remember the shit-ton of people I interact with through my work, friends, and family, and how nice it is to get a break to recharge.

Finally, I would like to adopt as my strapline @MorrisZapp's contentment with 'a bed that's just right for one lady, her newspapers and the occasional overnight guest'. Love it.

My sister has an ideal arrangement.

She had kids and a very long marriage of 40 years, finding herself widowed at 60. She sold the family home a year after and downsized to a two bed detached bungalow with a nice garden, she loves gardening. She has a BF who has his own property about a mile away. She spends 3 nights at his and then he spend 3 nights at hers then they have a night a week alone.

I know if DH and I ended up not together, it’s 25 years so far I would never want to live with another man. It is not a romantic ideal crushed it’s a I can’t be arsed ideal.

MorrisZapp I have some lovely though inexpensive vintage china tea sets. I bought it last year and when we could only meet in gardens had a series of friends round for afternoon high tea in the garden.

I occasionally worry that this lifestyle will make me inflexible and misanthropic but then I remember the shit-ton of people I interact with through my work, friends, and family, and how nice it is to get a break to recharge

Actually I find that I am better with others now that I have my own space in my home with no one in it. I have more patience and am more tolerant because I am not overburdened by the weight of someone else's awful behaviour, wants and needs all the time.

After 2 marriages (1 of which I’m still in) plus a 4 year live in relationship I have realised that what I don’t like is the constant feeling of having to ‘seek permission’ - your friends want to go away camping for the weekend— ‘permission’ needs seeking — you fancy going away to see your son for a few days— permission needs seeking. (And this by the way is with no kids at home) and also I don’t like the expectation that if they want to go for a 2 hour drive somewhere , you are expected to go and keep them company or they have a face on them— I do realise some people aren’t in these kind of relationships after long marriages - but in my experience an awful lot are. ( men as well as women by the way)

After 2 marriages (1 of which I’m still in) plus a 4 year live in relationship I have realised that what I don’t like is the constant feeling of having to ‘seek permission’ - your friends want to go away camping for the weekend— ‘permission’ needs seeking — you fancy going away to see your son for a few days— permission needs seeking

Interesting that you mention this. I hadn't really thought about this. I just wondered why I felt so much freer and not crushed - and it's because of this. With both my long-term live-in partners I had to seek "permission". It's not that they wouldn't have "granted permission" but that they would have done reluctantly with a face on. And also I wasn't free to just immediately say yes to something when asked but needed to "check" at home first if anything else was going on. Most of the time I was expected to fit in with whatever plans my ex (especially the most recent one) had.

It is definitely freeing - I can say yes or no to invites without the need for permission seeking and I can also just take myself off somewhere for a few days without having to check with anyone.

Also the twisty face when you are leaving for whatever it is you have been given permission for. And one massive drama with my most recent ex when I was going out for the day in my car to see my friends but he'd booked his car in for an MOT (knowing full well I was using mine that day) and threw a strop because after booking the MOT he had then also planned to do electrics in his friend's house 40 miles away, followed by playing some music with his friends another 20 miles away. He said I should cancel my day out to give him my car and it turned into a massive argument when I said no, he shouldn't have booked the additional things on the day of the MOT (and if he'd done it through the proper garage they would have given him a courtesy car... but no, he had to get it done by some friend on the black economy who would then get the MOT sticker from his actual workplace by some dodgy means).

Anyway... not to derail the thread... but that sort of thing is why I will never risk it again. And I love the feeling of just fucking off somewhere whenever I like!

@fumfspos. I totally get that. Funnily enough my H used to hold up a couple we knew in their 50s when we first met (in our 30’s) as the fact they did their own things as some ideal— the difference was once I actually found some friends to do stuff with- he started making disapproving comments about 1 of my friends who is out without her partner a couple of nights a week and goes away with friends quite often too - with partner babysitting. It seems it was ok for ‘other people’ but once he was in his 50s, it suddenly wasn’t ok

the difference was once I actually found some friends to do stuff with- he started making disapproving comments about 1 of my friends who is out without her partner a couple of nights a week and goes away with friends quite often too - with partner babysitting. It seems it was ok for ‘other people’ but once he was in his 50s, it suddenly wasn’t ok

It's because people who talk like this actually mean that they want to be free to do their own thing but when their partner then finds friends to do stuff with they aren't happy about it all. It's ok for them but not ok for their partner.