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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm never going to shack up with another man

136 replies

barbedwired · 26/09/2021 23:17

I don't need any more children, wedding rings or domestic drudgery.
Twenty five years, 14 hardcore marriage then widowed ( as I was about to divorce him) 11 years ( this one I knew and he wheedled his way into my house during the trauma of the husband suddenly dying ) .
First was a troubled marriage, second looked like something it was not - the penny dropped last month after he assaulted me. I got him out of the house immediately.

I am free!!!!!!!

I've decided that after the healing as this is not easy, I shall find company ( I'm quite happy home alone ) go out for lunches, dinners, maybe a hotel room if we feel like it, travel if it's fun and then live happily ever after seeing my children and living alone with a cat or two.

Anyone want to join this club, is in this club and loves it?

OP posts:

Pebbledashery · 04/10/2021 21:56

This thread is so empowering. Thank you so much for starting it.. I'm honestly at a stage where I'm so happy on my own.. Self contentment is so important.
I told my friend that and she said that made her love me even more. :) I'm teaching my daughter you don't need to be in a relationship to be happy. You make your own happiness.

Xztop · 04/10/2021 22:00

I'm in! 1 alcoholic boyfriend followed by a husband who never gave a shit about me, I'm now finally free and loving it. Oh and I also have 4 cats!

JustAnother0ldMan · 04/10/2021 22:02

I did it the other way around (never with a woman again), I’m sure any woman who’s met me would be pleased with that !

Hen2018 · 04/10/2021 22:34

Nearly 17 years single here.

Soberfutures · 04/10/2021 22:40

Was with my ex for 17 years. Marred for 3. Life is hard still as a single parent but so much better than being with him. To be honest I still let him in and act stupid just to keep the peace for the kids. 1 asd and 1 now self harming.
Don't ever think I will date again.

emmylousings · 04/10/2021 22:44

Been with BF 15 years, live apart. Love it. Wouldn't change unless it was to support / care for each other in later life maybe. I don't think the relationship would have survived if we lived together. But I don't think that means we don't love each other. We have one DC together and co-parent well. (Odd disagreement... which you can shut the door one!!)

RantyAunty · 05/10/2021 02:35

2 marriages

Never again.

NiceGerbil · 05/10/2021 02:37

I'm not in your club OP.

But if DH ever isn't around any more.

No thanks. Never again.

And he's a good one

Gothichouse40 · 05/10/2021 02:45

If I knew then what I know now....Mind you I think there is intense societal pressure to be part of a couple. Hopefully the younger generation will have woken up to that. Many of my generation and above married young....and totally regretted it.

isthismylifenow · 05/10/2021 06:13

So get you OP.

I really just could not be bothered to be completely honest.

I like my very simple, drama free life.

I look at my ex who stayed with ow, and there is just constant drama there. He's aged about 20 years in 6 years (and this is not an exaggeration).

And here I am, having stepped away from all the chaos he caused. Looking better than I have in many many years, am fitter, happier and my life is calm.

Changing that is not even a consideration.

(although this upsets my father greatly. From the era that thinks everyone needs to have a partner).

HugeAckmansWife · 05/10/2021 06:22

Signing up for my membership card. I have a partner but don't and won't cohabit. At the moment there's young children in the mix so that's a good enough reason but even once they're grown, I doubt we will. He might want to but I won't. If that means it ends, so be it.

anthurium · 05/10/2021 06:28

@Gothichouse40

Do you have think the societal pressure to be part of a couple is also strongly linked to 'settling down' so expecting to have a marriage/children?

anthurium · 05/10/2021 06:35

Out of interest, how many posters already have children and don't want more?
For single women who can't /won't embark on solo parenting alone via a sperm donor there's an increased pressure to keep chasing men/relationships etc.

I don't want domestic drudgery/rings/cohabitation again (been married and several failed relationships behind me), but I had to reframe my expectations regarding children and go down the very expensive route to have a child on my own via IVF and a sperm donor. I'm currently pregnant so it seems like it's all worked out, but letting go of the 'societal script' of settling down was difficult at first, I must admit.

Alsonification · 05/10/2021 06:50

Yes! This is my group. I’m 46. Was with my ex for 8 years, only married for less than 2. We had a 4.5 yr old & I was 7 mths pregnant when I got rid of him. Best thing I ever did. I have my own house, car, business. I am completely financially independent. My kids are now 23 & 19 and I have never had another man in my life. I’m single the last 19 years but I’m starting to think I might like that to change however I will never live with another person (other than my kids obvs) or get married again. My ex has gone on to marry the affair partner & have 2 more kids but that’s not for me. I’m also an introvert. I have lots of friends & am happy having a night out occasionally but I adore my own company so happy to be alone for long periods of time too. The love of my life will have his own place, not want to anymore kids & be happy to never live together.

MrsJackWhicher · 05/10/2021 06:54

Completely agree,OP.
I am getting divorced and totally unexpectedly met a gorgeous man who I adore and we are having a fun time -I am totally smitten and I really hope it will last forever 😁, but…. do not want to live with him or anyone now that I don’t have to for economical reasons.

dreamer90 · 05/10/2021 07:12

Loving this thread!

Alsonification · 05/10/2021 08:18

The other thing for me is that I don’t want to risk my kids house. This is their inheritance & I refuse to risk anyone else getting their hands on it. I know there are ways to protect it but I’m not taking any chances.

Pebbledashery · 05/10/2021 08:30

This thread is amazing :)

Pebbledashery · 05/10/2021 08:30

I couldn't think of anything worse than "pooling finances" why am I going to share my money. My money is mine (and my daughters)

Thulian · 05/10/2021 08:40

Yes me too. It took me until my 40s but when I left ex at 46 I swore never, ever again to have a live-in relationship. Over 5 years on I still haven’t got over the joy of jumping into bed on my own and haven’t bothered with men at all, except for a cursory look on dating sites which mostly just makes me even happier to be single :o

I still have DC living with me, but I spend a lot of time poring over dream cottages by the sea on rightmove for myself and cats in the future :) of course mr right does have a very slim chance of coming along, but he’s not getting a foot in my door 🏡

Cherpcherp · 05/10/2021 08:42

I realised this at 22 after a 5 year relationship. Have been a lone parent with ddog ever since. 15 years in and I don’t think I could live with a man even if I wanted to now. Independence and freedom are priceless

MorrisZapp · 05/10/2021 08:42

If all the houses in the UK magically cost ten grand and were in plentiful supply, I bet the divorce rate would rocket and the marriage rate collapse.

Once women enjoy their own space and full autonomy the only reason to compromise that is so often financial.

Thulian · 05/10/2021 08:46

My ex also found another woman very quickly - I have no way of knowing if he’d met her already, but I don’t care now. It’s a lot easier for straight men in that bringing a woman into your home is unlikely to pose a risk to you or your kids. My kids are ok with that when they’re at his, but they have said they wouldn’t want me to have a new man around in our home and I totally understand that. It’s not just having your space invaded, or the possibility of him being messy, entitled or selfish, it’s that he could well be something much worse.

anthurium · 05/10/2021 08:51

@MorrisZapp

If all the houses in the UK magically cost ten grand and were in plentiful supply, I bet the divorce rate would rocket and the marriage rate collapse.

Once women enjoy their own space and full autonomy the only reason to compromise that is so often financial.

I agree that the financial pressures to do it alone are huge, so yes if good housing was more affordable/accessible I'd imagine we'd see changes in the dynamics in relationships.

I'm an advocate of women re-framing how they go about having children too - so assisted reproduction methods whether via IUI/IVF methods (I did this) as the financial barriers are certainly there to 'put women off'...

It's not about hating men or relationships/ it believing in love - it's about autonomy/independence/freedom to choose how you want to live rather than being at the mercy of 'societal scripts/fairytales' .

Crikeyalmighty · 05/10/2021 09:23

@MorrisZapp. I couldn’t agree more and I think fewer would be rushing to find someone too— a single mum friend of mine admitted as such saying it wasn’t that she desperately wanted a partner, she wanted someone around to share living expenses

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