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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm never going to shack up with another man

136 replies

barbedwired · 26/09/2021 23:17

I don't need any more children, wedding rings or domestic drudgery.
Twenty five years, 14 hardcore marriage then widowed ( as I was about to divorce him) 11 years ( this one I knew and he wheedled his way into my house during the trauma of the husband suddenly dying ) .
First was a troubled marriage, second looked like something it was not - the penny dropped last month after he assaulted me. I got him out of the house immediately.

I am free!!!!!!!

I've decided that after the healing as this is not easy, I shall find company ( I'm quite happy home alone ) go out for lunches, dinners, maybe a hotel room if we feel like it, travel if it's fun and then live happily ever after seeing my children and living alone with a cat or two.

Anyone want to join this club, is in this club and loves it?

OP posts:

Stayingstrongish · 05/10/2021 16:27

My husband left me this year and I feel the same.

No more doing all the cooking, catering to someone else’s tastes and doing all the cleaning for someone else. I want to please myself from now on. I’ll have boyfriends or flings if I can, but I’ll keep my finances and home separate. Better for my two young kids that way too I think.

Frenchlady14 · 05/10/2021 16:37

5 years out of a 32-year marriage. I will never live with a man again. I think when you do, you fall back into the role of washing and cooking and general wife-work. Why would anyone do that to themselves. My bedroom is all about me, colours and textures and always smells of perfume. I love my own space and peace and quiet - or friends round if I want to. I've got a boyfriend - he stays over a couple of times a week, but that is it, suits me fine. If he stays too long I get fidgety until he goes and all is peaceful again! Also, I remain a girlfriend and all the effort that entails from him. My ex used to call me the handbrake, the 'ball-and-chain' - 'her indoors' etc. Never ever again.

Thulian · 05/10/2021 17:16

My bedroom is all about me, colours and textures and always smells of perfume.

Yes this! My ex was such a pain about decorating and furniture etc decisions - whatever I wanted, he'd say he didn't like, but never really came up with positive suggestions, so everything was half-arsed and undecided, or some kind of basic vanilla option because he couldn't decide. Drove me mad. And he was messy and smelly so our bedroom was always a pigsty.

It took me a while to find the courage to end it and I wanted the kids to be a bit older, so I knew for a couple of years that it was over, before he did. In that time I kept my spirits up by buying myself nice bedding and fancy bits and bobs and stashing them away. When I got my own bedroom and unpacked my lovely stuff it was bliss!

pointythings · 05/10/2021 17:19

crochetmonkey74 the secret is that you grow and become yourself until you fill the gap with you. It takes time and it takes the confidence to work out what you enjoy, what you want, who and what you want around you.

IrishMel · 05/10/2021 17:55

Me neither and do not want to date again. Maybe this sounds sad or whatever but haven't the energy for the bullshit. When younger was gullible and stupid and knew nothing about red flags etc. If had wisdom have now would have done things differently but then would not have my lovely son and we are so close. Like my own space, eat as I please, watch what I want, peace of mind, am happier alone and like myself more. Be nice have some support system but in my experience it is usually the woman who provides that. Can lounge around in my pjs and robe if feel I want to and have my beautiful dog who we adopted and she is like my baby. Brings me more happiness than any man. What annoys me is other's think something wrong with you if don't have a man as they put it, easy to get a man don't bloodywell want one. We are the strong ones who are not afraid to be alone. But there is a growing trend here with older women that are staying single as we do better single as men do better in a couple. Big hugs to all the women on here as know are times are hard but they pass.

IrishMel · 05/10/2021 18:05

Meant to say to op so sorry for what you have been though. It really is soul destroying that someone who should be there for you and then does this to you. Know what you are going though. So any wonder we all love our own space as it is also empowering to be single and feel more confident as relationships seem to be all consuming. Wishing you the best.

IrishMel · 05/10/2021 18:13

Also after I split with live in partner when son was a baby, I left for reasons for our safety. I have never lived with anybody as happy just my son and I. Did not want to bring a man into our home as always worried as never know who you would be letting near your children. So just used to living alone and guess am stuck in my ways. But as got older am less tolerant of bullcrap so guessing this is a reason also, older and wiser. Lovely to read all the different stories on here and how children and pets make us all so happy.

Amiable · 05/10/2021 18:16

Count me in! Definitely not interested in living with a man ever again! Not really interested in any kind of relationship to be honest. I have great friends, kids and family and quite frankly can't be arsed with all the new relationship carry on 😂

HarrisonStickle · 05/10/2021 18:32

@crochetmonkey74

It will pass

Like @pointythings says, the gap eventually fills with yourself, and it's wonderful!

isthismylifenow · 05/10/2021 18:34

@Thulian

My bedroom is all about me, colours and textures and always smells of perfume.

Oh yes. I forgot until I read your post. The first thing I bought for myself / my home after X moved out.... Was a white towel for my bathroom. I was never allowed to buy such an impractical item while we were married. I don't care if I have to chuck a bit of vanish in the wash, it's my white towel which looks so nice, in my now, matching bathroom. It's the small things sometimes.

Restlessinthenorth · 05/10/2021 18:46

Can't tell you how much I need this thread. 2 weeks post break up and feeling bereft. But also, certain I'll never have a man live under my roof again.

I realise my ex made me miserable in my own home, whilst contributing nothing, and sponging off me. My mortgage is nearly paid off and I will never risk my home nor passing to my kids in future. Boyfriends and fun, yes. Live in relationship: hard no.

So grateful to you all for sharing and making me feel less alone

therebeccariots · 05/10/2021 18:52

I will never live with a man (or a woman) again. Nearly 50. I have young children. I have realised I can only share my space with under 18's. I'm tolerant of them as they are children and need to learn, grow and develop. Once they are adults they need to be off. A partner needs to wash his own smalls, have his own space to pile bills, clutter and mess away from my home. Staying with me should be like booking into a nice hotel. You pack a bag looking forward to the experience, you behave well whilst you are there and you leave nothing behind except happy memories.

optimistic40 · 05/10/2021 19:12

I am like that too. Not sure what to do going forwards - I have a lovely boyfriend, and if we were to live together we would still be apart a great deal (due to work) but I would be a lot more financially secure. I still worry however... I am used to making the decisions, living as I please, etc.

crochetmonkey74 · 05/10/2021 19:26

I think I'm struggling as I feel a bit of a failure (whisper it) without a man. I want to get back to knowing I'm not

Pegsonstrings · 05/10/2021 19:31

I am so over it too. So over it. I am so happy since ending my last so called relationship and so happy I can do anything I want and like. It’s amazing. I am planning so many cool things now and not a chance in hell I ever want to get with a man ever again. Well and truly put off

Pebbledashery · 05/10/2021 19:39

The only mistake I made was staying my ex as long as I did. Missed out on years of happiness by myself.

HereticFanjo · 05/10/2021 19:44

If DH and I split I will never live with a man again. The odd sleepover and mini break, yes. Living together- not a chance.

forumdonkey · 05/10/2021 19:53

@crochetmonkey74

I think I'm struggling as I feel a bit of a failure (whisper it) without a man. I want to get back to knowing I'm not

If you are living alone, you are a strong, independent, kick ass woman, who is doing it for herself.

Remember that always. If you do meet a man, make sure they know it too

fumfspos · 05/10/2021 19:53

I will also never live with one again.
I've had two long-term relationships where we lived together and it was awful both times.
I'm 3 years out of the second of those and it's taken that long to find myself again and to be happy and to laugh. It was just a horrific time.
I never want to lose myself again and be made to feel shit while being expected to be some kind of slave.
I think I would like a relationship with someone (in fact I'm developing feelings for someone at the moment) but I do not want them moving into my lovely flat and I do not want to move in with them either.

There is absolutely no need to do so.

naughtynovember · 05/10/2021 19:54

My partner of 5 years temporarily moved in after having an injury. Omg, drama Queen or what! He just moped around and after a month I was so fed up of that dragging me down. He wouldn't pro-actively do anything to aid his own recovery. I sent him hone in the end as whatever suggestions I made he just made excuses. It was a real lesson actually, him slipping into the man-child role and refusing to take responsibility for his own recovery.

I also can't stand him leaving hair all over the bathroom and black bits from his socks. He'd rinse the bath out but never clean the toilet. Did that. Really made me think ...

mysterybag · 05/10/2021 20:07

I have found my people! Love independence and love my own space. Enjoy male company but aside from a one night sleepover every now and then Im delighted to have my own space.

JustAnother0ldMan · 05/10/2021 20:22

@Thulian

I wonder if any men ever sit around having this conversation "I'm never sharing my home with a woman again!"

I wouldn’t say we sit around having the conversation, but yes lot of us live alone and prefer it for most of reasons outlined on this thread

hiredandsqueak · 05/10/2021 20:32

Me neither OP. Married for 28 years, exh been gone for three years they have been the happiest of my adult life. I thank my lucky stars he had gone pre covid because I couldn't have coped with lockdown with him. Never again will I share my home, my bed or my bathroom with a man.

Savingsun7 · 05/10/2021 20:37

I don’t want a man anytime let alone living with me. I find sex completely overrated nowadays and so don’t see the point of a man in any capacity if not bothered about that. My dogs give me all the love I need and I enjoy my kids more without a man moping around and boring me with football talk or work stories. Yawn.

Thulian · 05/10/2021 20:46

I thank my lucky stars he had gone pre covid because I couldn't have coped with lockdown with him.

OMG yes I was SO happy about this as well. The kids have regaled me with his covid rantings and pronouncements (he's not a conspiracy theorist or anti-vaxxer, just a massive misery-monger), and we can all have a laugh about it, but if he was here we couldn't as he can't laugh at himself. And the thought of the mess from him being at home 24/7

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